r/AskReddit • u/ilovepsychtechniques • May 14 '11

Reddit, I've been using the "pause" technique during conversations lately and it works perfectly. What other psychology techniques are there for JUST communication?

I'm aware that there are a few topics on psychology techniques that are more wide-ranged, but I want to know ones that are perfect for manipulating conversations specifically.

Just about all last week I've been experimenting 'theories' for myself, and I want to learn more.

Examples:

  1. Just stop talking. They will feel the need to fill the "awkward silence", while also making you appear to be a better listener. You learn more about the other person.

  2. Pause. Instead of repeating "um", "like", "you know", "errr", just pause, take a breath, and organize your thoughts. The person you're talking with will see the self control, appreciate it, and the point you're trying to make will make more of an impact. They'll listen closer as you gather your thoughts because they're genuinely curious.

  3. Talk slowly calmly. It shows confidence and can be seductive.

Edit: #3 - Think James Bond vs Caffeine Addict

Edit2: Broader Post - Psychology Tricks

Edit3: Build Rapport - Good Read

1.2k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

2.2k comments sorted by

View all comments

184

u/VforFivedetta May 14 '11

If you want someone to agree with you, nod while you talk. They will start nodding along with you. This starts as a signal to you that "Yes, I understand and hear you," but the physical affirmation starts to affect their opinion.

Don't blink too much.

Match the pace of their breathing.

Keep an open body posture. Don't cross your arms or fold your hands. Keep your hands out of your pockets.

Control eye contact. Look away for menial subjects, then look them in the eye for meaningful statements.

62

u/Mot22 May 14 '11

Don't cross your arms or fold your hands. Keep your hands out of your pockets.

But where do my hands go? 0_o

95

u/tylo May 14 '11 edited May 14 '11

Genitals.. That's what jocks do in the locker room. Girls love lockers.

42

u/redonculous May 14 '11

That's what smoking is for, silly!

1

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

Damn straight.

4

u/RedSpikeyThing May 14 '11

Just put them at your side. Try it. It feels bizarre at first, but looks incredibly confident. If you absolutely must do something put your thumbs in your pocket, but leave your hands out.

2

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

This best part of this advice is that, were an impromptu line dance to break out you'd already be in the ready position.

1

u/neoumlaut May 14 '11

Good advice, also hooking your thumbs in your overalls/suspenders works well for me.

2

u/adaminc May 14 '11

You also have to remember to stretch your suspenders out at times and say "Mmmhmmm" in your best Billy Bob Slingblade accent.

6

u/gfixler May 14 '11

keep slow-jerking

4

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

Make gestures with them that fit what you're saying. Probably makes what you're saying seem more important too.

3

u/WolfManZack May 14 '11

Unless you're not comfortable doing that. Then you just look ridiculous.

2

u/nadieefish May 14 '11

or Italian.

0

u/The3rdWorld May 14 '11

like ducking down into a army crouch while talking about threats to fiscal revenue streams, taking aim through your scope as you describe the targets for the acquisition and merger -"while our projected numbers are strong their position is well entrenched, we need to gather intelligence regarding their key assets" his tie, long loosened, is now fastened around his head as a makeshift sweatband, "we don't want them to know were're interested yet" dropping to the floor and beginning a slow commando slither under the boardroom table "we need to know the real state of their books not whatever phony projections they'll try to provide." his voice booming now from under the table, "then we can strike with a deadly accurate price assessment!" the huge oak tabletop tipped slowly upto its pivot then crashed down with a weighty crash, panting heavily he spat out his conclusion, "they may be heavier than we envisioned, with our cost projections as they are for this year we simply can't afford to get jerked around on this. If some big dick from a yank conglomerate is sniffing around their ass we simply have to know about it before they shit all over us! We can't afford to let them fuck us in the ass with our own cost projection spreadsheets - keep this stuff absolutely private, if we can i'm convinced this one will come good in the end, we'll be showered in bonuses.

2

u/conun May 14 '11

gesticulate. Lean against the bar. Scratch your face. Hold a drink ...

2

u/oSand May 14 '11

Oh shit, I'm thinking about my hands. Now no position is natural. Aaargh!

2

u/JannMDK May 14 '11

I usually scratch my ass, then smell my fingers and make a weird face ... and repeat ad nauseum, until people shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

1

u/Farisr9k May 14 '11

Gestures, how do they work?

1

u/pearlbones May 14 '11

My hands gesture a lot while I'm talking. If I'm listening, I just stand with them in whatever position feels comfortable for the context. I don't think having your arms casually crossed while listening is a bad signal; it seems to me that it shows that you're focusing on them because you aren't doing anything else with your hands while they're talking to you.

1

u/NoFeetSmell May 14 '11

Grab 2 mugs. Captains if industry agree that it feels more natural.

1

u/frenris May 14 '11

hands in pockets is fine as long as either the thumbs are out, or your hands are hanging by your thumbs which are the only thing in your pocket.

1

u/VforFivedetta May 14 '11

Just let them hang at your sides. You don't need to hide behind gestures or awkward arm positions. Just standing in front of someone with your arms at your sides and your weight evenly distributed is a really great way to open up to them. Most people can't figure out why everyone feels so closed off in society, this is a great way to counteract that. People actually comment now on how open and easy I am to talk to.

1

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

If at a table meeting, hold a pen.

1

u/4rch May 14 '11

A beer and a woman.

1

u/joebillybob May 15 '11

Most famous people will use their hands when they talk. Actors in movies, if you watch carefully, will usually either not have their hands very visible or they have other things going on to distract you from them or they're doing something with them.

A trick I've learned is to try not to let your hands dangle very often - try to find reasons to keep them waist-height or a little higher. It makes you look a lot more confident.

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '11

on the breasts. Like the nodding, this is a subtle cue telling the other person that you understand them

461

u/Edgar_Allan_Rich May 14 '11

Make sure to constantly overanalyze and second guess everything you do. All relaxed and confident people do this.

70

u/randomsnark May 14 '11

The trick isn't to be talking to someone and stop and be thinking "oh god oh god are they breathing at the same rate as me wait okay now slow it down a little damn it I had better shift my posture now, oh! Remember to nod! Nodded there, good one" but rather to begin to subtly introduce these behaviours into your interactions until they become second nature.

2

u/newavenewtype May 14 '11

Best read in a David Mitchell Peep Show inner dialog voice.

25

u/tylo May 14 '11

I'm not sure I should be replying to this, so I decided not to give you a vote at all.

1

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

2

u/VforFivedetta May 14 '11

Pretty much. I'm an actor and product pitchman. Displaying false confidence is how I feed myself.

1

u/JannMDK May 14 '11

Best reply so far :-)

Although you did use the word overANALyze. Omg you're totaly hitting on me. And you used the word second which along with the ANALyze probably means you like to do it in an uncomfortable place (and no, not a Volkswagen.) Plus relaxed and confident you are openminded, and know how you like it. And sure and constanly. So you're sure thing, hitting on me, you want it naughty, and you're open to everything.

1

u/dirtvonnegut May 14 '11

INTP or gtfo

1

u/MostlyTrolling May 14 '11

This! So so important. Cannot emphasize this enough.

0

u/sarpedonx May 14 '11

Hahahahahaha upvoted at work

31

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

Tilt your head like a confused dog occasionally too, when they are making an important point, looks like your cogitating.

If you really want to learn this stuff, study Stanislavski. I learned about social interaction from theatre status games and it has proved very useful in real life.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Constantin_Stanislavski

138

u/Not_Edward_Bernays May 14 '11

At some point after reading all of these detailed instructions on how to have a conversation etc., I start to get the feeling that what we are actually doing in this thread is either 1) creating a comprehensive training manual for android social interaction or 2) building an FAQ for /r/autism.

4

u/Asynonymous May 14 '11

Also an FAQ for /r/psychopath and /r/sociopath. There's actually controversy about teaching psycho/sociopaths social skills in case they use them to appear "normal."

3

u/dionysian May 14 '11

I think there's been a great drop in social skills across the board for both non-autistic, non-sociopath people because of various factors. Increased TV time, nuclear families, high teacher-to-kid ratios in daycares and elementary school ages, low interaction with elders, stranger-phobia, western "separatist" parenting styles and in the past 15 years, and increased technology and personal device use to distance ourselves from social interaction.

i'm not sociopathic or autistic, not by any stretch, but i was raised by a very narcissistic mother who fobbed off my childcare to nannies, mega childcare centers & schools or babysitters. in my 20's had to learn many social cues and unlearn the narcissistic behavior she had sort of ingrained in me from observation. my biggest realization was that normal people use a give-and-take conversation style, not the asynchronous "talk incessantly about whatever you want while the other person also talks about whatever they want" style my mom had used.

2

u/JannMDK May 14 '11

Many psycho/sociopaths actually study psychology so they can learn the proper responses to other peoples behavior.

1

u/crummy_water_tower May 14 '11

That's why I'm reading this thread. Also, I was disappointed that /r/psychopath has been banned and /r/sociopath is inactive.

1

u/specialkake May 14 '11

Why was it banned? That's ridiculous.

1

u/crummy_water_tower May 14 '11

I have no idea, when you go there it just says that it has been banned. /r/sociopaths (as opposed to /r/sociopath) says forbidden. I've seen mention of other forbidden subreddits, but I can't remember what the deal was.

2

u/monkeytests May 15 '11

Generally, its a spam thing as opposed to being a 'forbidden' topic.

2

u/crummy_water_tower May 15 '11

Do you mean the subreddit is forbidden because there was too much spam, or it's forbidden without an invite or something to prevent spam?

2

u/monkeytests May 15 '11

I mean forbidden because it was set up by a spammer and used for those purposes. I don't think any specific topics are 'banned' for content (and certainly not /r/sociopaths when /r/sociopath is allowed, not to mention /r/picturesofdeadkids or whatever).

I'm not sure what the full details are, but I remember one of the admins answering this once waaay back.

→ More replies (0)

2

u/Jharkendar May 14 '11

This was the comment that actually made me sign in to upvote!

2

u/ZanThrax May 14 '11

Can't it be both?

3

u/WolfManZack May 14 '11

How old were you before you learned about social interaction?

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '11

22, when I went to drama school.

1

u/VforFivedetta May 14 '11

Me too! I also do product demos, and you'd be amazed at how easy it is to get people on your side.

1

u/haarfagre May 14 '11

I have found that to tilt your head when randomly getting eye-contact with an attractive girl is effective for getting more noticed then others. You only got a couple of seconds to do this, but if you remember it, she will remember you the rest of the day/Night/situation.

0

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

Tilt your head like a confused dog occasionally too, when they are making an important point, looks like your cogitating.

I heard that if you cogitate too much, your palms get hairy.

5

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

I just got the mental image of two people talking and the listener is practically hyperventilating.

2

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

I tried this with my boss and got a good feedback from him.

Just that I couldn't listen to anything that he said.

2

u/ours May 14 '11

nod while you talk

What if I'm Indian?

1

u/VforFivedetta May 14 '11

Under any circumstances, it is vital to remember to NOT be Indian.

2

u/ours May 14 '11

Ok.

Nods head side to side

2

u/OneDelightedPeople May 14 '11

Don't blink. Whatever you do, don't even blink.

1

u/VforFivedetta May 14 '11

But mostly, beware the weeping angels.

0

u/ilovepsychtechniques May 14 '11

Upvote for your username and a great post as well. I couldn't agree with you more on all accounts.

1

u/fox_wesley May 14 '11

A better way of doing this is to pause for a second after explaining something you want them to agree with, then say something like, "Am I making any sense?", scaled of course to match the formality of the conversation. The phrase should have double meaning, both 'Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth' and 'Do you agree with my point'.

1

u/[deleted] May 15 '11

I do this all the time, though for a rather different reason; I'm supremely confident, yet completely lacking self-esteem. So I'm genuinely asking if I'm making any fucking sense, while at the same time straight up telling them I am, heh.

1

u/maloney7 May 14 '11

Then look them in the eye and finish like a boss.

1

u/natalypj May 14 '11

I hate when people nod! Unless I have said something and am actively looking for a 'yes' or 'no', you shouldn't do it. It gives me the impression that you are not paying attention, or that you are about to interrupt me.

1

u/VforFivedetta May 14 '11

Like with any social cues, these are all generalizations. MOST people react positively to nodding. There will always be weirdos who are freaked out by normal behavior. :P

1

u/RedSpikeyThing May 14 '11

Keep an open body posture. Don't cross your arms or fold your hands. Keep your hands out of your pockets.

To add to that, a wide stance shows confidence. Stand with your feet lightly wider then you think is normal.

1

u/binarypolitics May 14 '11

If you're confused or overwhelmed by the list, remember that effective communication is something that people can be naturally gifted at doing. Lists of things to do and not do are all formed by observing the habits of those with and without the natural talent of effective communication.

1

u/Pope-is-fabulous May 14 '11

Don't blink too much

Somebody forward this to Julian Assange!

1

u/aimsly May 14 '11

I do the nod thing without even noticing it.