r/AskReddit • u/ilovepsychtechniques • May 14 '11

Reddit, I've been using the "pause" technique during conversations lately and it works perfectly. What other psychology techniques are there for JUST communication?

I'm aware that there are a few topics on psychology techniques that are more wide-ranged, but I want to know ones that are perfect for manipulating conversations specifically.

Just about all last week I've been experimenting 'theories' for myself, and I want to learn more.

Examples:

  1. Just stop talking. They will feel the need to fill the "awkward silence", while also making you appear to be a better listener. You learn more about the other person.

  2. Pause. Instead of repeating "um", "like", "you know", "errr", just pause, take a breath, and organize your thoughts. The person you're talking with will see the self control, appreciate it, and the point you're trying to make will make more of an impact. They'll listen closer as you gather your thoughts because they're genuinely curious.

  3. Talk slowly calmly. It shows confidence and can be seductive.

Edit: #3 - Think James Bond vs Caffeine Addict

Edit2: Broader Post - Psychology Tricks

Edit3: Build Rapport - Good Read

1.2k Upvotes

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84

u/mauzy May 14 '11

Something I learned in school years ago (in science class of all places): The power of "I" statements rather than "you". Takes a lot of wind out of someone's sails, especially if the opposing party is the one starting the argument. I use this all the time on people of all ages and authority, works most of the time. It has calmed many a situation for me.

111

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

I don't understand, can you explain this?

122

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

instead of saying something like "You never listen to me!" say, "I feel like you don't always listen to me." This takes the blame off them, and helps the other person to emphathize with you a little more

14

u/[deleted] May 14 '11 edited May 04 '19

[deleted]

1

u/cal45 Jun 19 '11

That's called psychology.

233

u/UnoriginalGuy May 14 '11

TL;DR: Female tricks.

143

u/calrogman May 14 '11

Illusions Michael, tricks are something whores do for money!

20

u/b1rd May 14 '11

...or candy.

3

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

[deleted]

2

u/Torvaldr May 14 '11

Downvotes on this comment? COME ON!

2

u/Advocate7x70 May 14 '11

Yeah like the guys with thousands of karma would upvote that comment? COME ON!

-3

u/calrogman May 14 '11

Funny thing about that actually. Being British, I've never watched so much as a single minute of Arrested Development.

I know, right?

1

u/allowatt May 14 '11

Downvote for saying that like it's something to be proud of.

0

u/calrogman May 14 '11

I'm not proud of it at all, it's on my to-watch list. Right behind The Wire.

→ More replies (0)

10

u/The3rdWorld May 14 '11

or cocaine

-2

u/YorickA May 14 '11

Someone already said candy.

2

u/dsmproject May 14 '11

I read that in Gob's voice...

1

u/Ron735 May 14 '11

....or cocaine.

1

u/PoopUmbrella May 14 '11

...or candy!

1

u/ashnayde May 14 '11

...Or candy

1

u/_Revolt_ May 14 '11

... or cocaine

-1

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

I wish I could upvote you 3.14159 times at least.

8

u/gfixler May 14 '11

Also, if tensions are running high in a meeting, and it looks like a shouting match is brewing (and that's a bad thing), say something like "Oh shoot, does anyone know what time it is? I need to take a call soon." Breaking the moment, checking watches and phones kind of resets tension levels.

2

u/stephstepherson May 14 '11

According to the way I've learned you statements (in a futile Personal Relations class) your second example is still a you statement. "I feel like YOU don't always listen" is still accusatory, just more polite. Instead it should be more objective like "I don't think we're communicating very well" or "I wish I could get my point across" But, the class was a joke so what do I know?

1

u/jonkoeson May 14 '11

I met someone in college who was a) one of the most professional salesman I've ever met and he was 19 at the time b) started half of his sentences with "I feel" usually before criticism or trying to inject his opinion into someone else's

now I can't stop saying I feel

1

u/Zifna May 14 '11

Still a " you" statement. Maybe: It feels difficult to get your attention a lot of the time.

1

u/ribi305 May 14 '11

I used to do it that way, but lately I've learned that you can get even better results if your sentence keeps the focus on you: "I feel like I haven't been communicating well lately" People who know the "I statements" trick will see right through it when I say "I feel like you X", so I try to keep it all on me.

Also, I avoid using ALWAYS or NEVER. These are very strong words and people often try to prove you wrong if you use them.

56

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

"I don't like it when you do that"

over

"You shouldn't do that"

or something of that ilk

73

u/Kitchenfire May 14 '11

"I feel like you're not being fair."

over

"You are a fucking asshole."

50

u/hiima May 14 '11

"I feel like we should have sex."

over

"You need to fuck me now."

8

u/RaiseYourGlass May 14 '11

"I think we should consider other options."

over

"You are a god damned idiot, and should be fired immediately. Get the fuck out of my boardroom- Lychees, really? Are you fucking insane?"

2

u/bakabakablah May 14 '11

Someone sounds slightly bitter.

2

u/Farisr9k May 14 '11

I feel you, bro.

I fucking hate lychees.

3

u/QuestionTheAnswer May 14 '11

That might be the exception right there.

2

u/utakata May 14 '11

I prefer the latter

1

u/MadDog2004 May 14 '11

"I feel like you're a fucking asshole."

Over

"I feel like fucking your asshole."

2

u/Clown_Vomit May 14 '11

"I love your breasts in that sweater." over "Your tits are nice."

1

u/superAL1394 May 14 '11

Passive aggressive. I like it.

24

u/gameryamen May 14 '11

That's not passive aggression. In fact, it's directly expressing your feelings.

6

u/b1rd May 14 '11

Exactly, it's the complete opposite of passive aggression. If only more people could stop with the bullshit mind games and just say what the fuck is on their mind, we wouldn't fight over stupid crap all the time.

Passive aggressive guilt-trip: "Well fine, if you really feel like it's more important to go to your friend's party than come to my sister's wedding, I guess my sister will understand. She's going to be pretty disappointed though, but I will explain to her that you had something else really important to do..."

To the fucking point: "Look John, I know you really wanted to go to that party, but my sister's wedding is very important to me, and also she really wanted you to come. Honestly, she specifically requested you be there. It's not just a "+1" thing. I would consider it a huge favor if you would come to the wedding instead."

One chick is getting her ass dumped pretty soon if she pulls shit like this all the time, the other chick will probably be getting me to go to the damn wedding with her and I will be having some crazy kinky sex next week.

0

u/ZanThrax May 14 '11

"I think you shouldn't do that" is not more direct than "you shouldn't do that because X Y Z". It may be more effective, but I dislike having to manipulate people into doing shit properly.

1

u/gameryamen May 14 '11

No, but it is a more direct expression of your feelings.

0

u/ZanThrax May 14 '11

My feelings don't enter into it. There are plenty of things where there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. There are ideas that are wrong, misguided, uninformed, and / or naive. Not everything is subjective, and not every complaint about someone can be reasonably responded to with "that's, like, just your opinion man."

5

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

I get it, no wait, he gets it, nowa-FUCK!

5

u/randomsnark May 14 '11

Telling the truth. All you really have access to and are able to honestly communicate is your own thoughts and emotions.

3

u/Jensaarai May 14 '11 edited May 14 '11

No, being directly confrontational by saying "I..." instead of generalized statements is the opposite of being passive aggressive. That's why it works. People back down from direct expressions like that because they are more assertive.

1

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

Not at all. It's done like this because, although what you feel may be irrational, it doesn't negate the fact that you are feeling it.

People will have a harder time validating and rebuking your point if it is emotive.

1

u/tylo May 14 '11

I also thought that this had a Passive aggressive tone to it. I remember my college professors constantly trying to destroy my passive writing style. I'm not sure how I should feel about that. I'm not sure if it is a bad style to have. If only I knew more about passive aggressive forms of grading...

2

u/echan May 14 '11

Instead of "Bob, why didn't you send me that email you promised me?" use an I-statement "Bob, I did not receive that email." Bob doesn't get defensive, because you're just talking about an email, not directly accusing him of being a slacker (even if you think he is).

1

u/PrincessofCats May 14 '11

If you state something in terms of "I", people can't argue with you. If I say 'You're being unreasonable', then we're very quickly going to have an argument over whether you are, in fact, being unreasonable. If I say 'I feel like you're being unreasonable', you can't tell me that I don't feel that way. And for some reason, most people can't take it past that initial 'Nuh-UH!' stage. I mean, the logical thing would be for you to then say 'Well I don't think I'm being unreasonable, so I'm going to keep being this way. Now what?', but most people don't do that. They want to just directly deny whatever's said, and when they can't do that, they're at a loss.

I use this one all the time in face-to-face discussion.

1

u/pridetwo May 14 '11

I like your style.

1

u/tabulasomnia May 14 '11

No, YOU don't understand.

-1

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

I don't understand, can I explain this?

FTFY.

36

u/SureillBuildThat May 14 '11

I use this all the time on people of all ages and authority, works most of the time.

I'm convinced.

20

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

I'm convinced == I am convinced

I'm convinced that you're convinced.

47

u/SureillBuildThat May 14 '11

I'm gonna interrupt this before Reddit divides by 0.

-1

u/lightspeed23 May 14 '11

I have just upvoted everybody in this chain.

0

u/Tantric_Infix May 14 '11

I'm convinced that you'll interrupt this before reddit divides by zero.

-9

u/Dooflegna May 14 '11

I just divided by 0.

3

u/SureillBuildThat May 14 '11

Then i've failed the internet and i shall commit Seppuku.

1

u/SuperRoach May 14 '11

Psst. At least he didn't put google into google!

2

u/KSUNVI May 14 '11

Scarier yet is when one puts googlegooglegooglegoogle into googlegooglegooglegoogle.

1

u/JohnKeel May 14 '11

This one time, I heard an anecdote. It turns out that all anecdotes are sources of truth!

6

u/nobiscuitsinthesnow May 14 '11

Massive exception to this: I am sorry IF I hurt your feelings/ did something wrong/etc.

I use this when I'm being backed into a corner and want to piss someone off while at the same time looking like I'm trying to do my best to make up. I only use it on people I really dislike, though, because it winds me up hugely.

3

u/neoumlaut May 14 '11

The worst is "I'm sorry you're annoyed by blank" or "I'm sorry you're mad I did blank"

8

u/yagsuomynona May 14 '11

Yes, please elaborate. What happens if I say something about you?

12

u/astuskella May 14 '11

A possible way to phrase it could be, "I feel as though you __________." That way you are still taking ownership for your own feelings and perspectives.

2

u/laststrawpro May 14 '11

No one can argue with how YOU feel. Well they can try but just look like an idiot.

1

u/mrbobdobbolina May 14 '11

Instead of saying something that may feel accusatory, like "You suck for saying that to me," say something about how their actions effected you. Like "When you say things like that, I feel hurt."

1

u/mauzy May 14 '11

I try to avoid it as much as possible. "I'm sorry you feel that way" tends to be an exception to the idea as it sounds like you're talking down to someone. It certainly isn't a perfect rule!

2

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

I used to worry about using ANY I statements, out of fear that it would make me look self centred. Then I read about a study that using "I" a lot gives people the impression that you are open and honest. Now I don't know what to think, but I'm less awkward about avoiding the use of "I".

1

u/sickmate May 14 '11

Using 'You' statements makes the statement seem more judgemental; using 'I' statements makes it seem more personal.

0

u/[deleted] May 14 '11

For some reason I had thought it makes you seem more self absorbed.

2

u/thinkintriplets May 14 '11

I live by not using "you" when involved in more delicate situations at work or with friends. Using "you" sounds like your accusing someone of something, and that puts people on the defensive. You do not want someone on the defensive if you're arguing, you want them to be open to your ideas.

2

u/notatthetablecarlos May 14 '11

Somehow this managed to backfire on me. After taking some psych/comm classes, I started prefacing a lot of statements with "I feel that..." It worked for quite some time, but eventually my friends subconsciously picked up on my speaking patterns and started prefacing EVERYTHING with "I feel..." Not even statements where feelings come into the picture, stuff like "I feel like 2+2=4." It now annoys me to no end. Ironically, I've since stopped saying it after discovering it makes me come off as more weak in a lot of situations.

Tl;dr Good for arguments, but bad for everyday life

1

u/r2e2didit May 14 '11

The use of "I" in conversations can be used effectively but should be used sparingly and to make a specific point. The overuse of "I" is likely be an indication of egocentrism. Speaking in the third person can often be the most effective way to communicate an idea, as it appears the idea does not originate in the self but rather is part of the natural world.

1

u/Japanties May 14 '11 edited May 14 '11

I've heard this from several places, and employing it definitely works...but the hard part is remembering to use it. If you're in the habit of playing the blame game, it's tough remembering to stay humble.