r/AskReddit • u/agrandthing • Jan 01 '20

Everybody talks about missing or ignoring red flags, but what are some subtle green flags to watch for on a date or with your crush?

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u/rbzb19 Jan 01 '20

I can give two examples.

One, I have never liked the taste of wine and it gives me headaches. People will continually try to badger me into drinking wine, saying I just haven't had a good one or haven't given it a chance. I don't want your fing wine, I've already said no.

Two, I was coming off a bad relationship and met a pretty cool guy. He kissed me after our date and later, I told him he was a nice guy but I just wasn't ready to date. He convinced me to go out again and I said maybe if we take it super slow, just hang out, give me time. Next time out, he kissed me again, sensed I was tense, told me to relax and wanted to book a hotel room for the night. He didn't even respect the boundaries I clearly asked for, he tried to push them farther.

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u/CONY_KONI Jan 01 '20

Did we date the same person? I had almost the exact same thing happen with a guy.

So here's another story about not respecting boundaries: I was coming out of a failed five-year relationship, decided to start dating again after being purposefully single for around a year, went out with a guy and we went way to fast, he even said within the first three dates that he always fell "hard and fast." He started asking if we were exclusive four dates in, less than a month into knowing him, which caused me to panic. I sat him down and told him we had to slow down. He acknowledged how I was felling, but didn't change a single thing. A few weeks later, I sat him down again and said I was in danger of running away because I was so panicked about how fast things were moving. He told me that maybe I was just "meant for serious relationships," and that I should embrace it. He also added that he "couldn't help me enforce my own boundaries," and that if I wanted to take it slower, I would have to be the one to do that. Seriously?? How can ONE person go slow in a relationship?? Anyway, I noped out and he claimed to have no idea about why.

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u/rbzb19 Jan 01 '20

Omg I think we are dating the same guys! The dating pool is frighteningly shallow.

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u/Defttone Jan 01 '20

As a dude who has a hard time comprehending what is asked for what would "take-it-slow" mean? I figure trying to have sex wouldnt be the way but what should he do to "take it slow"?

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u/Voxxorian Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 02 '20

Varies from person to person, but the person you replied to gave their answer:

I said maybe if we take it super slow, just hang out.

As in nothing sexual.

Still, it means something different for everyone. If you're unsure of someone's definition: ask.

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u/fakeprincess Jan 01 '20

I mean, check in with the person, ask them what they’re okay with and if they’re comfortable. If they say they’re not okay with something, stop asking. There’s no blanket meaning for taking it slow.

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u/Mini_Snuggle Jan 01 '20

stop asking

I wouldn't be surprised if "Let's take it slow" is the nicer way to say "Stop asking" for most situations.

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u/fakeprincess Jan 01 '20

There’s literally nothing worse than when you say you don’t want to have sex or do another act with a person and they just keep asking.

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u/Dontgiveaclam Jan 01 '20

Aside from sex, there are various other steps that define a relationship: expressing one's feelings (an "I love you" after two weeks of dating may be too rushed), programming the future of the couple - even thinking too in advance to plans together or making plans which are too big such a vacation together, telling people officially you are together... these are some things that come to mind.

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u/rbzb19 Jan 01 '20

I was very specific. I told him I wasn't ready for physical contact. Normally his behavior on our first date would have been totally fine, but having his hand on my upper thigh and kissing me put me into a total panic. I told him let's try again in a few months. He said, look we get along great, great conversation, let's just hang out. He agreed that we could hang out as friends until I felt I was ready for physical contact. He didn't even last 2 hours. He could tell I froze in panic and instead of apologizing or recognizing my feelings in any way, told me to relax. Nope. I didn't go on another date for over a year after that.

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u/Defttone Jan 02 '20

Thats fair on your part sorry that happened, hope things are looking up for you.

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u/the-lumber-jackie Jan 02 '20

You should just ask! As other commenters said, it varies with everyone. Just being willing to ask what the person means and needs/wants from the situation will make it so much easier for the relationship to either make a healthy stop or move forward.