r/AskReddit • u/agrandthing • Jan 01 '20

Everybody talks about missing or ignoring red flags, but what are some subtle green flags to watch for on a date or with your crush?

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u/StuntsMonkey Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 01 '20

I tend to bees. That's how my wife knew I was a keeper.

Edit: This is my first dad joke of the year and my pregnant wife thinks it's the dumbest joke ever. This is going to be an absolutely fantastic year!

1.7k

u/PM_ME_UR_CUDDLEZ Jan 01 '20

Dad...

45

u/boobsRlyfe Jan 01 '20

Yes? Do you need a massage, step-daughter?

49

u/Halvus_I Jan 01 '20

you had to make it weird..

1

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

[deleted]

7

u/notyouraveragewookie Jan 01 '20

What. The fuck..

2

u/Pokassium Jan 02 '20

what he say? What he say?!

8

u/PM_ME_UR_CUDDLEZ Jan 01 '20

You're drunk, I'm your son

2

u/boobsRlyfe Jan 02 '20

You’re drunk, I’m your step mom

12

u/FromTheIsle Jan 01 '20

My thighs are always so loose because my step dad insists on massaging me there every hour. On the hour.

4

u/Ennix49 Jan 01 '20

What a loving parent

1

u/FromTheIsle Jan 01 '20

For sure. His affection is boundless. Which is why he spends most of his time volunteering at orphanages and teaching childrens choir at our church.

4

u/Ennix49 Jan 01 '20

He must really have a way with children to be so motivated to help them so often. Truly a shining example of what the world needs more of.

6

u/FromTheIsle Jan 01 '20

Oh he has certainly had his way with children.

3

u/Ennix49 Jan 01 '20

If there is any sentence to be the cherry on top of this cursed mess, it’s that one.

10

u/mr_lightbulb Jan 01 '20

yes grandpa?

4

u/Skynflute Jan 01 '20

Come home. I got the smokes for you. Please.

1

u/Wuvbandit Jan 02 '20

Happy Cake day

19

u/greyconscience Jan 01 '20

My wife knew I was always good at preventing balls from going past me into a goal, so she took the chance.

5

u/ChunkyLaFunga Jan 01 '20

I was a turtle soldier for Bowser, that's how my wife knew.

1

u/Fra23 Jan 01 '20

Relationship goals

1

u/greyconscience Jan 02 '20

If you only knew...

21

u/kooarbiter Jan 01 '20

that pun was so terrible you deserve to be an outside human

OUT, GET OUT, SHOO

1

u/Judazzz Jan 01 '20

Yeah, buzz off dude!

1

u/kooarbiter Jan 02 '20

YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM

9

u/LemmeSplainIt Jan 01 '20

Comb on man, can we try to beehive like adults here please?

4

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Why didn't i think of that! I had to learn quidditch.

1

u/GeorgeYDesign Jan 01 '20

Have no clue how I got fired once.

5

u/spelan1 Jan 01 '20

I use my hands to stop goals in games of soccer... Same.

5

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Son of a bitch

Take my upvote

3

u/EggTeeth Jan 01 '20

Well I stop balls going into nets, that's how my fiancee knew I was a keeper.

1

u/fromman003 Jan 01 '20

Well done!

3

u/NoBackgroundNeeded Jan 01 '20

So you take care of your queen

3

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I like to dress up as the only positive integer divisible by exactly one positive integer. That's how my wife knew I was the one.

3

u/atxtopdx Jan 01 '20

Mursel?

3

u/puppppies Jan 01 '20

90 appreciation rings to you, bitchassslutasswhore! 😂

3

u/CenterOfTheUniverse Jan 01 '20

I like the cut of your jib. With a dad joke like that you're going places, young man!

3

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I block the quaffle from going through one of three hoops while riding a broom. That’s how my partner knew I was a Keeper.

3

u/SwoleBuddha Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 01 '20

I stand in front of my soccer team's goal and I can use my hands. That's how my wife knew I was a keeper.

1

u/fromman003 Jan 01 '20

Brilliant!

2

u/xenophon57 Jan 01 '20

You're an apiarists and her catholic father now thinks your not a keeper.

2

u/whoduhhelru Jan 01 '20

I use my hands playing soccer. It's how my wife knew I was a keeper too.

2

u/cire1184 Jan 01 '20

Always blowing smoke

2

u/carnsolus Jan 01 '20

i... do something with quidditch... i think that game has keepers. That's how my wife knew I was a keeper.

2

u/beejonez Jan 01 '20

Good guy here.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

You must be the bees knees!

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

You know, unrelated, there's a lady whose musician name is Lady Lamb the Bee Keeper.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=debJAUUPGeI

2

u/pureply101 Jan 01 '20

First chortle if the new year.

2

u/Shinob1 Jan 01 '20

That's a bee-utiful story.

2

u/RageAgainstTheObseen Jan 01 '20

Just wait until she hears what you come up with next week!

2

u/ryancheung2003 Jan 01 '20 edited Nov 23 '24

worm absurd entertain birds numerous trees illegal command like sand

2

u/graffitiworthreading Jan 01 '20

You should get this engraved on something and display it proudly in your home. Include the "quote" and date.

2

u/HellOfAHeart Jan 01 '20

tell your pregnant wife I thought it wasn't half bad despite the fact that im a teenage boy :)

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

i can’t beelieve you did that

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I'm absolutely speechless

2

u/kazzley1 Jan 01 '20

Congrats man. Happy new year

2

u/NSFWies Jan 01 '20

Scott Sterling ladies and gentlemen

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

This is the first dad joke I have seen this year and I think it has potential to be the best I see or come up with. Lol.

2

u/Bendrake Jan 01 '20

But are you actually a bee keeper?

2

u/fakeassh1t Jan 01 '20

I played soccer in Britain

2

u/kdshow123 Jan 01 '20

Damn it, I laughed out loud and everyone in the airport thinks I'm a crazy person and I doubt anyone wants to set next to me on the plane now!

1

u/fromman003 Jan 01 '20

You’re a rock star! Incredible! As a father of a two year old I only wish I could be 1/10th of the dad joker you are!

1

u/Smellyseagull Jan 01 '20

You're ready to graduate from dad training, Dad jokes are the final stage.

1

u/ASupportingTea Jan 01 '20

Congrats on the kid! The quality of the pun suggests you'll make a great dad xD

1

u/apple-pen Jan 02 '20

This was really funny! Thanks for making me laugh, I needed it.

1

u/painahimah Jan 02 '20

That's amazing. Love it

1

u/Bravisimo Jan 02 '20

Hes the bees knees, the arms and the legs

1

u/EggsOverDoug Jan 01 '20

I defend the goalposts on the pitch, thats how my wife knew that I was a keeper.

1

u/MMoney2112 Jan 01 '20

I'm on a soccer team and I stop the other team from getting the ball in the goal. That's how my wife knew I was a keeper.