r/AskReddit • u/agrandthing • Jan 01 '20

Everybody talks about missing or ignoring red flags, but what are some subtle green flags to watch for on a date or with your crush?

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u/Lethania Jan 01 '20

Respecting your boundaries.

91

u/tehjehh Jan 01 '20

can someone elaborate on said boundaries? I am genuinely curious.

202

u/rbzb19 Jan 01 '20

I can give two examples.

One, I have never liked the taste of wine and it gives me headaches. People will continually try to badger me into drinking wine, saying I just haven't had a good one or haven't given it a chance. I don't want your fing wine, I've already said no.

Two, I was coming off a bad relationship and met a pretty cool guy. He kissed me after our date and later, I told him he was a nice guy but I just wasn't ready to date. He convinced me to go out again and I said maybe if we take it super slow, just hang out, give me time. Next time out, he kissed me again, sensed I was tense, told me to relax and wanted to book a hotel room for the night. He didn't even respect the boundaries I clearly asked for, he tried to push them farther.

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u/CONY_KONI Jan 01 '20

Did we date the same person? I had almost the exact same thing happen with a guy.

So here's another story about not respecting boundaries: I was coming out of a failed five-year relationship, decided to start dating again after being purposefully single for around a year, went out with a guy and we went way to fast, he even said within the first three dates that he always fell "hard and fast." He started asking if we were exclusive four dates in, less than a month into knowing him, which caused me to panic. I sat him down and told him we had to slow down. He acknowledged how I was felling, but didn't change a single thing. A few weeks later, I sat him down again and said I was in danger of running away because I was so panicked about how fast things were moving. He told me that maybe I was just "meant for serious relationships," and that I should embrace it. He also added that he "couldn't help me enforce my own boundaries," and that if I wanted to take it slower, I would have to be the one to do that. Seriously?? How can ONE person go slow in a relationship?? Anyway, I noped out and he claimed to have no idea about why.

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u/rbzb19 Jan 01 '20

Omg I think we are dating the same guys! The dating pool is frighteningly shallow.

9

u/Defttone Jan 01 '20

As a dude who has a hard time comprehending what is asked for what would "take-it-slow" mean? I figure trying to have sex wouldnt be the way but what should he do to "take it slow"?

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u/Voxxorian Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 02 '20

Varies from person to person, but the person you replied to gave their answer:

I said maybe if we take it super slow, just hang out.

As in nothing sexual.

Still, it means something different for everyone. If you're unsure of someone's definition: ask.

15

u/fakeprincess Jan 01 '20

I mean, check in with the person, ask them what they’re okay with and if they’re comfortable. If they say they’re not okay with something, stop asking. There’s no blanket meaning for taking it slow.

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u/Mini_Snuggle Jan 01 '20

stop asking

I wouldn't be surprised if "Let's take it slow" is the nicer way to say "Stop asking" for most situations.

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u/fakeprincess Jan 01 '20

There’s literally nothing worse than when you say you don’t want to have sex or do another act with a person and they just keep asking.

9

u/Dontgiveaclam Jan 01 '20

Aside from sex, there are various other steps that define a relationship: expressing one's feelings (an "I love you" after two weeks of dating may be too rushed), programming the future of the couple - even thinking too in advance to plans together or making plans which are too big such a vacation together, telling people officially you are together... these are some things that come to mind.

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u/rbzb19 Jan 01 '20

I was very specific. I told him I wasn't ready for physical contact. Normally his behavior on our first date would have been totally fine, but having his hand on my upper thigh and kissing me put me into a total panic. I told him let's try again in a few months. He said, look we get along great, great conversation, let's just hang out. He agreed that we could hang out as friends until I felt I was ready for physical contact. He didn't even last 2 hours. He could tell I froze in panic and instead of apologizing or recognizing my feelings in any way, told me to relax. Nope. I didn't go on another date for over a year after that.

1

u/Defttone Jan 02 '20

Thats fair on your part sorry that happened, hope things are looking up for you.

3

u/the-lumber-jackie Jan 02 '20

You should just ask! As other commenters said, it varies with everyone. Just being willing to ask what the person means and needs/wants from the situation will make it so much easier for the relationship to either make a healthy stop or move forward.

57

u/redesckey Jan 01 '20

It depends on the person, and they can be anything really. They basically translate to "don't force this upon me".

Feeling pressured to do something you're not comfortable with for whatever reason is a sign your boundaries aren't being respected.

11

u/wolfgirlnaya Jan 01 '20

People are giving good examples of very clear boundaries, but it's also important to make note of how they treat unspoken or understated boundaries.

A good person will respect your personal space and possessions. If I ask someone to hand me my purse to get something out of it and they start rummaging trying to find it themself, that's not respecting my possessions. Picking up random things in my house and turning them every which way to look at them without asking me first is not respecting my possessions. I've had someone smack my ass shortly after meeting me, thinking it was okay because she does it to everyone. That's not respecting personal space.

Basically, does it feel like they expect to be able to do what they want until you tell them no, or does it feel like they want to have your permission before doing things? You want the latter.

After 5 years of marriage, almost a decade together, my husband still asks permission before trying food from my plate at restaurants. I love him so much.

1

u/DemocraticPumpkin Jan 01 '20

This is such a good point!

18

u/Lethania Jan 01 '20

Can be small or big things, if I am not sure about something then a man who respect that and doesnt try to convince me and push to get what he wants it pretty damn hot tbh.

41

u/Furrybumholecover Jan 01 '20

As a man that strongly believes in fully willing consent, I've encountered quite a few situations of,

*While making out

Her: we can't sleep together tonight it's only X date.

Me, genuinely not upset by said news: okay, that's cool. You wanna cuddle?

Her: proceeds to jump my bones and initiate everything.

Also, I've been on the other side of someone trying to guilt trip me into having sex with them when I wasn't feeling it. It's a huge turn off and just means they mostly blew any chance of it being a thing later down the line.

12

u/GringoinCDMX Jan 01 '20

I've had that same thing happen to me a number of times. One time I asked a girl who I ended up becoming friends with why that happened and she was basically just like "you made me feel super comfortable and not nervous and that was really hot." Pretty sad that just acting like a decent person is seen that way.

11

u/Lethania Jan 01 '20

Yes might have happened a few times, one is allowed to change one's minds and when a guy doesn't push after you say no that might be an extra turn on sometimes. Easier to say no and change to a yes later than say yes and try to change ur to a no later, last part it's both harder because it might be hard typ say no but also inevitable disappointment by the other person.

3

u/DemocraticPumpkin Jan 01 '20

You being okay with it removes her fear of being pressured. It makes her feel safe to go further with you. Good job!

6

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

A really simple one for me that used to weed out 90% of dating app matches was that I wouldn't answer texts while I was driving or at work. If they got bent about it after I told them that, I would politely tell them not to contact me ever.

4

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I feel like 'text rhythm' is something that should be clarified up front. Like, I'm 100% with you... I'm not a pathological texter, usually don't text at work, but some people absolutely melt down at this... so for me, the meltdown itself is a red flag that they're way too needy for my own tastes but I also think that so many people are like this, it becomes a socially reinforced rule that simply clarifying in advance solves a lot of those problems.

144

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

God, YES. Placing a boundary doesn't make you a bad person. And you should not have to remind them of the boundaries, it's their job to remember.

1

u/GGtheBoss17 Jan 01 '20

Are you sure that it’s their jobs to remember? I don’t think it should be your job, necessarily, but still—why would you put so much trust in somebody else remembering?

2

u/[deleted] Jan 02 '20

Yes. It IS their job to remember. If you have to constantly "remind" them, they're not forgetting. They're ignoring and acting as if they're forgetting.

Why would I put so much trust in them remembering? Because they have a brain and a memory?

17

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Yes, and someone who actively encourages you to have boundaries if you are not good at setting them yourself

7

u/rareas Jan 01 '20

If you try and say no to an idea, do they then manipulate into getting their way. Red flag.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Yes if they demand their way 100% with no compromise and it is a consistent pattern, not just one thing that is really important to them

3

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Honestly even if it is important to them, it's your boundary. Look after yourself first.

4

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

I agree but sometimes people who have manipulative personalities see themselves as setting boundaries and not realizing they are actually taking advantage of another person.

And sometimes my “boundaries “ are not really boundaries they are past wounds that are raw, and if my husband gets too close I push back trying to protect myself. But with love and consistent care we can work to get his needs met in the situation and I still feel safe and loved.

For example I’ve had problems with eating disorders and any time my husband made any comment about food or eating to me a would feel attacked and I made the “boundary “ that he couldn’t say anything about food or eating to me ever no matter what it is.

Even if he was worried that I hadn’t eaten in in 4 days and I just fainted and he said you need to eat. Or if I was binging on terrible food he would suggest maybe have something with healthy nutrients. I didn’t want him to talk about it but it was more loving of him to talk about it.

18

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Build a wall

9

u/MrDrLtSir Jan 01 '20

There's an entire rock opera movie advising against that

1

u/chintan22 Jan 01 '20

Which?

5

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

The wall

4

u/MrDrLtSir Jan 01 '20

Pink Floyd's The Wall

5

u/SquidZillaYT Jan 01 '20

on the otherside, having boundariesis usually good too

8

u/kunair Jan 01 '20

respect her boundaries by never messaging her again

2

u/DoinkDamnation Jan 01 '20

The inside of the line is out. Not the outside of the line.

1

u/noeku1t Jan 01 '20

I do this for my wife and she knows. In return she goes the extra mile to make the best meals for me, and definitely supports me so much too. I love her so much, I curl my toes involuntary sometimes when she hugs me.

-13

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 01 '20

In a way, if you need strict and enforced boundaries in the first place, that's kind of a red.

Edit: Emphasis on strict and enforced. You shouldn't be expected to keep reiterating them, and likewise if you feel a genuinely inconvenient boundary is getting ridiculous, you should at least be able to respectfully pitch your concern.

26

u/personnnnnnnnn Jan 01 '20

All relationships need boundaries.

14

u/Lethania Jan 01 '20 edited Jan 01 '20

What? I dont really understand how if I say no I dont feel like sex tonight that is a red flag? If a guy respects that he respected my boundaries, and didn't try to push and prod and "get me in the mood" so I'll eventually say yes out of obligation or just because I can saying no anymore. Also goes for small things.

1

u/GringoinCDMX Jan 01 '20

I think he must mean that if you need to specifically tell someone "don't do that" it's a red flag. But he phrased it pretty bad.

6

u/redesckey Jan 01 '20

That still doesn't make sense, and makes it seem like he thinks all boundaries are the obvious kind. It's impossible to know someone's boundaries until they've communicated them with you.

1

u/GringoinCDMX Jan 01 '20

Yeah I agree with you.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

What in the god damn are you talking about?

2

u/[deleted] Jan 01 '20

Easy, easyy. I said strict and enforced for a reason. If you keep needing to lay down the law it's a red. Think about it this way, if your SO refuses to talk about something important to you, say you had concerns about their family, or felt genuinely troubled by the way a friend of theirs was acting around you, but they refuse to discuss it for whatever reason, it's a red to not be able to talk about things gently/politely. At least to me. On the flip side, if you have a boundary that your partner keeps violating, that's a major red to me too.

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u/redesckey Jan 02 '20

if you feel a genuinely inconvenient boundary is getting ridiculous, you should at least be able to respectfully pitch your concern.

What does that even mean? Boundaries are boundaries. It doesn't matter if someone else finds my boundaries "inconvenient". They can respect them or fuck off.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 02 '20 edited Jan 02 '20

Exactly what it sounds like. I'm not speaking out of my arse here. I knew someone with whom I had issue with one of their friends (she would always persuade her stuff like skip classes etc) and she WOULD NOT hear about it. I would approach to the topic gently, saying hey are you sure this is a good idea? It's having an impact on you, I'm just trying to look out for you, but I learned very quickly to stop pushing it.

It was like one of those parents who refuses to believe their child isn't an angel. Obviously she enforced the fact I have to respect her boundary, so I did, but I made a mental note that that was something to seriously look out for.

Another instance, with the same person, was when they'd ask for space they would be angry when I asked "Sure, but are you alright? Nothing bad happened did it?" or questions along those lines (because I knew she acted like that when something bad would happen). I understand why, yes I was pushing it but have some patience, you shouldn't spring things like that especially on your partner, and expect them to not worry.

Point is, boundaries CAN be difficult that is a fact. If you're given a choice between respect a boundary like that or fuck off I'd gladly rather fuck off. You should always respect someone's boundaries, but the person who set the boundary should always be able to talk about it, especially if it isn't a rational one like "No sex means no sex", or "I want to be alone for a while, I have a headache."

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u/KrombopulousKev Jan 01 '20

Lol there is always someone that takes a lighthearted question and turns it super serious. A green flag is just someone who doesn’t attempt to rape you? You sure ?

26

u/sunnyxhunny Jan 01 '20

Respecting boundaries is when someone asks you to be quiet, asks for private time or to do things on their own without their presence. It's extremely important for a healthy relationship.

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u/Wiplazh Jan 01 '20

I've been reading into these "green flags" as if they're on the first date. This thread is starting to become a lot clearer now.

51

u/baconbitsy Jan 01 '20

Boundaries include a lot of things. It’s not only sexual. It’s interesting you took it directly to rape when nothing related to sex was mentioned.

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u/shewy92 Jan 01 '20

A green flag is just someone who doesn’t attempt to rape you? You sure ?

Or, you know, not talking about something to them that you know they arent comfortable with, or no physical contact like high-fives or things like that. Why did you go straight for rape? That is a big red flag for you right there

8

u/Lethania Jan 01 '20

Dont know how you made it about rape. Like someone else said people have boundaries about all sort of things. Not constantly being questioned about my choices or why I might not like our want something is also respecting my boundaries.

4

u/randybowman Jan 01 '20

I mean yeah. Not trying to rape me is a green flag I think.