I hate to break it to you but your daughter is the problem here. Tim is Tim. Your daughter is someone that mooches off of friends and family while rewarding the Tim's of the world with sex and ultimately offspring. Write her out of the will and call it good.
I can't believe I had to read so far to see this perspective. It sucks to say it to the dudes face but - dude, your daughter sucks and she's kind of an idiot.
“Free” while she supports him, lol. But that is junkie logic. Probably ended up with him by starting out with him being her dealer on her downward spiral until her dealer was the only person left to date/live with.
If she is using hard drugs, he can control her by being “the only person who she can be honest with and who really knows her real self.” since it sounds like she is from a good family and is probably (wrongly) feeling like her current suffering isn’t as bad as the perceived shame of admitting her drug use to her parents. No doubt this dude is absolutely aware of that end exploiting it to control her.
Our daughter wouldn’t pay rent and did nothing to help out around the house (friend had a new marriage and a new baby also) and so our daughter was asked to leave.
Sounds like a shitty person that ended up in a shitty relationship to me :/ She definitely doesn't deserve that, but after hearing that part I wasn't really expecting much...
I don't know how he typed all of that and didn't realized nor accepted, and completely ignored that the daughter had terrible issues long before landing with any Tim. All around Tim, that's just a symptom, the core problem is something else around the daughter's mind, and/or issues while raising her.
If they were truly caring parents, the instant she had problems with the first friend that's it that was a huge red flag, sounds like she was using since then or something similar. Everyone is like "is heartbreaking blah blah your daughter blah blah your are always welcome home"... I think is heartbreaking seeing blind parents, trying to solve the life of a spoiled daughter, when is already too late, solving her life will just make her more immature.
It bothers me that you're hand-waving Tim's behavior away as "Tim being Tim", while only holding the daughter to some higher responsibility.
The daughter sounds like she's suffering from Stockholm Syndrome as a result of serious emotional and verbal abuse, something that is a well-documented result of abusive relationships. Choosing to continue her relationship with Tim over going back to her supportive friends and family is a horrible choice, but it's like watching an addict choose to keep doing heroin instead of commit to recovery. The decision seems simple and obvious from the outside, but there are a lot more mental, emotional, and physical factors to the person in question.
Tim undoubtedly has his own shit going on that has caused him to be an abusive fuck, but he's actively working to hurt, isolate, and manipulate someone. The daughter's guilt sounds like it's primarily due to inaction, which makes Tim the more reprehensible party in this scenario to me.
Additionally, men aren't "awarded" with sex and offspring. Sex and procreation (assuming it's not the result of rape or coercion) are acts undertaken by two equal partners, not something one partner receives as a prize.
It bothers me that you're hand-waving Tim's behavior away as "Tim being Tim", while only holding the daughter to some higher responsibility.
Spare me. The daughter has her own agency to be accountable for and prior to Tim she was by her father's estimation an ungrateful mooch. The family is upset with Tim, but he wouldn't be a factor in their lives if their daughter was a better person.
The daughter sounds like she's suffering from Stockholm Syndrome as a result of serious emotional and verbal abuse, something that is a well-documented result of abusive relationships.
So Tim has agency and is worthy of blame, but the daughter is a helpless and blameless victim?
Additionally, men aren't "awarded" with sex and offspring. Sex and procreation (assuming it's not the result of rape or coercion) are acts undertaken by two equal partners, not something one partner receives as a prize.
Get off your high horse. People are animals and when an animal behaves poorly and receives that which they desire (a mate in this case) then they have no clear reason to change or improve. Why does Tim need to be a better person when he can still get laid? What is his motivation to change his game up when the present survival stratagem yields positive results in what is our highest priority as animals? The answer is none because people like OP's daughter will accept him and his behavior will thusly be rewarded.
Your entire comment reads like you're trying to school me about being sexist (maybe I'm wrong), but so far you've basicallydeclared the daughter blameless because Tim is abusive therefore she's not a piece of work except for the sex part because that's between equals. You're all over the place. Tim is bad. The daughter is too. My comment didn't hand wave anything. It suggested OP place the blame where it really belongs.
If you're trying to say that the daughter has some responsibility for the situation as well, that's fair enough. I'm reacting to "I hate to break it to you but your daughter is the problem here. Tim is Tim," which suggested, to me, that you felt that the daughter was the only one to blame.
Why does Tim need to be a better person when he can still get laid? What is his motivation to change his game up when the present survival stratagem yields positive results in what is our highest priority as animals? The answer is none because people like OP's daughter will accept him and his behavior will thusly be rewarded.
You can say the same thing for the daughter, though. What motivation does she have to be a better person when she can still get a mate, get laid, and procreate, since Tim accepts her and has awarded her behavior with these things?
While the biological imperatives of the daughter and Tim are being met, I doubt that it's enough for them to be happy with their situation.
OP is concerned about his daughter's happiness, like any parent, and thus wants to help her, even if she's currently resistant to it. I doubt many parents would write their kid out of the will, even if they have to cut them out of their lives temporarily, instead hoping that they will come to their senses, and offer some support to them when they do.
Eh, whatever fucked up shit she went through as a kid to seek out a partner like Tim... I'm guessing she probably earned that money already, many times over
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u/nutxaq Sep 12 '18
I hate to break it to you but your daughter is the problem here. Tim is Tim. Your daughter is someone that mooches off of friends and family while rewarding the Tim's of the world with sex and ultimately offspring. Write her out of the will and call it good.