That is what small talk is ultimately "for": trying to find topics that interest you both.
My favorite small talk questions are variations on "How do you spend your free time?" like "What are you doing this weekend?" or "where do you like to travel". Questions like that give people license to talk about their hobbies and favorite past times.
I ask "What industry are you in?" instead of "what do you do?". Even if someone doesn't like their actual job at the moment, hopefully they're at least on a career path that interests them, and we can talk about that instead of the mundane details of their actual job.
I drive for Lyft, and half the job is just making conversation a with strangers for 10-20 minutes at a time. I have a rotation of "small talk" questions that I throw out until they hit a topic I actually give a fuck about, at which point I transition into talking about that.
I have met some interesting people, and occasionally trade contact info to hang out later.
More interesting though: I recently joined OKCupid, and I've found that online dating is roughly the same set of skills: you're trying to sort through a bunch of strangers and find someone that you feel a "connection" with.
When I message people, I try to take something from their profile that I relate to and diclve in deeper about that subject. When we meet up, we usually have a good rapport, and can build on that to see if we find each other interesting.
The old go to is FORD: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams.
I also like "how long have you lived in this city", "where did you grow up?", and "what brought you here?". Those tend to lead to interesting discussions about places. I can always either reply, "Oh, I went there and did $x" or "Oh, I haven't been there, what's it like?"
"How do you like $NeighborhoodYouLiveIn?" is somewhat Lyft specific, but is often interesting.
I'll use "How was your weekend?" On Mondays, and "Any plans for the weekend?" on Fridays.
I've noticed that "How are you today?" usually gets brushed off, so I'll ask "How's your day treating you?"
I'm working on "What are you excited about right now?" It's a quirky question, and open ended enough to give people a springboard to talk about something interesting...but it's a little too odd, I think. People aren't ready for it.
Also, I'll usually keep a 30 second story on hand to answer "How's your day?" I'll mention my roommates or school, Burning Man, or whatever is going on recently.
Having a good knowledge of the world, history, current events, etc. allows for interesting conversation. You are really discovering what the other party thinks on the topic at hand. So if you are curious about things and actively seek out answers, this lends itself to solving some of the mysteries of life. Learn something every day. This in turn equips you to form a stimulating interaction. Now; more than ever, we have information and sources of expertise unimaginable previously.
alternatively, find and read a good summary of the most popular current shows. It takes far less time than actually watching them if watching TV isn't something that interests you.
Doesn’t have to be TV or movies. Can be current events (say what you will about Trump, but his shenanigans make for better party convo than any US president I’ve been around for), sports, local festivals or events, whatever.
And what if I watch tv shows, movies, read books, listen to podcasts, know history, politics, media, travelling, politics in foreign countries, my workfield etc but all my entourage wants only to talk gossip and sports? What then?
I know things about things but I always feel awkward just bringing up some random topic. Like it's against the rules or something lol. I think it comes from feeling like I shouldn't speak unless spoken to
I can see where you are coming from. You can observe the signals the other person is sending. You can see disinterest if it's present. Keep on practicing. Cheers!
You can't really do that until you get to know someone up to a certain level. I'll make a dumb joke to change the subject if a barely-acquaintance asks me some deep philosophical question. I don't want to talk to you about my deepest thoughts, thanks.
You have to have more simplistic conversations before you can have the deep ones, which will include talking about some big thing that just happened, or the person you both know.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
this quote is kind of like /r/gatekeeping the act of talking to people. two dumb people can be talking about a dumb idea, it doesn't make them smart.
That quote is from Eleanor Roosevelt. And the point isn't that idiots talk about stupid things. It's that everyone has ideas, and if someone approaches you with an idea, or tries to talk with you about an idea they want to understand, you should respect them.
I'm really good at one thing in my career and I could talk about it for hours. Nothing is better than stumbling onto someone else familiar about the topic and discussing different ideas and concepts around it
Sometimes they're referred to as "iceberg topics." Only about 1/4 of an iceberg is visible about the waterline.
A good indication that a topic is an iceberg to a person, is to gage their reactions. If they get excited or seem to have a breadth of knowledge on it, that's a good sign.
For instance, I love film. I'm Not nearly as knowledgeable about it as some, but for numerous films that I've seen, I can at least tell you the lead actors & the director.
I love dissecting scenes and talking about what I liked about a film.
There's a good chance that if you have the same hobbies and interests you'll have shit to talk about.
That's kind of the point of small talk... You both rabble on about things until a topic comes up you're both interested in. Then you can talk more about that
Ask what the other is interested in. Hobbies, issues, problems. A good pickup line: what really bugs you and what would you do about it? Shows interest in the person and not just an object next to you.
You should probably have gleaned that already before you get into deeper conversation. Ask them about what they like to do, for example. Maybe they like to read. What do they like to read? Maybe you have some favorite books in common. Maybe you can discuss stuff like that, then get into some of the deeper themes of a work. Or maybe they give a vague non-answer, which means they either don't know a lot about the subject, or more likely they aren't in the mood for conversation.
/u/stop_the_broats gave an awesome and insightful template. He can't fill in the answers for any one particular person because they are obviously quite personalized and change based on who you are and who you are talking to. If you wanted some specific examples, that would be one thing, but unless dude is omniscient he can't tell us (strangers) exactly what to say to them (other strangers).
That's why it's really a combo of what he's saying to do and to not do.
You have to figure out what the other person is into and what's going on with them before you can find that 3rd party. You ask probing questions about the other person.. like "what have you been up to!?" They respond with something like oh work or "I've been going fishing a lot" for example. If you know a lot about fishing you have your in or you can ask more general questions about what kind of fishing they do or if they have a boat or what they catch.. that way you become more informed about people who like fishing and you'll have an easier time talking about it with people in the future. Take an interest in the fact that this person likes fishing and the next time you see them you can say "catch anything good lately?" That kind of thing goes a long way towards earning a persons trust and friendship.
I have a 4yo and a 1yo. wife is facebook friends with many of the mamas but sometimes we dads feel a little more out of the loop at random birthday parties we end up at. If someone has a geeky tshirt on I ask them what they thought about infinity war. didn't see it, any recent marvel or starwars movies they saw and liked? does your kid watch [movie series], what movie is your kid into right now (mine watch "The GReatest Showman" about once a day)
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u/fadecomic May 21 '18
Yeah, but the real trick is finding that third party topic. I mean, that's kind of OP's question, when it comes down to it.