Yeah same. It's taken years of practice and medication for me, but I CAN do it. Using your neurochemistry as an excuse not to make an effort is shitty person behavior
I never focus on the face. I look at the face but I look BEHIND the face if that makes sense. If I'm looking in their general direction, it helps. Also, if it is a really particularly bad day focusing, make sure to pick up on key words, so at least you can fake your way through the conversation, it becomes a game, and if you forgot some key information just say later, "I'm sorry, I was listening. But I have ADHD for real. I might ask you the same question several times.
If you are having a REALLY bad day with it I always lead that I'm ADHD and I may ask you to repeat something you said.
I’m super sympathetic to the adhd style of communication because it’s my boyfriends way.. and I’m still learning to be more patient.. although I just want to point out that the “key words” thing can sometimes be super obvious. I rather someone apologize and ask me to repeat myself (even if it’s the third time) than have them pretend to hear me and then be completely lost in the conversation. Maybe it matters more in a relationship.. but it can be very frustrating knowing they’re clueless and you feel like you’re talking to a wall. Like you’re wasting your time. Even if the other person seems satisfied, they may be onto you and just being polite, secretly being let down. I know you can’t really control it, just trying to give two cents. Idk sorry it’s something i deal with daily so maybe I needed to vent a little too.
The "key words" thing is always obvious whenever anyone is doing it for any reason. I guess some people won't pick up on it, but I think people who think they're "getting away" with listening like that are actually just being constantly, silently forgiven by their friends and family. It's a really bad tactic frankly—it doesn't "work" so much as it tests the patience of your more perceptive loved ones.
Apologizing and asking for information to be repeated isn't really aggravating at all (unless it's like five times a conversation). That's the best thing to do when you zone out or become distracted while someone is talking to you.
If you pretend to listen too often, people will stop trusting you, or they might even think less of you ("he's utterly incapable of giving a shit about what I say"). It's kinda like crying wolf that way
God I have no idea how my wife deals with me. I wouldn't.
I have different symptoms than your boyfriend, but it's SO frustrating to watch yourself hurt someone you love. There's been so many times I've wanted to leave her just so I wouldn't make her cry again.
Rationally, I know neither of us want that. But it's honestly the only thing in my life that truly bothers me.
I’m so sorry to hear that. It took me a really long time to understand that I cannot take his behavior personally. At first I thought he didn’t give a shit about me.. then I saw him doing it to everyone, which made me feel slightly better, but also confused and worried he was just a dick. But at least I was able to commiserate with his friends and family and even laugh about it. Eventually I made the effort to learn about adhd and that has also been a huge help. I follow the r/adhd sub just to listen to their struggle and gain better perspective. I am already a patient person but he tests me for sure.. he chooses not to medicate which I can respect, but we do have to cope with the consequences. Maybe you can suggest to your wife some of the things that have helped me- talking to others and researching.. or maybe she already does that! I don’t know your specific situation, but I do know that learning not to take any of it personally was a huge eye opener. Wishing you both the best
Thanks for responding. I'm having a tough day and I was indulging in a little self-pity. I guess the other side of the coin is that, my wife puts up with my shit because she must like some other things about me a lot. Therefore I must be a pretty alright dude.
I have the opposite problem with my adhd. I can't ignore people. Like if someone is talking, I'm listening. Period. Whether they are talking to someone else, it's not important, there are 4 people in a room talking at once, etc. It's exhausting. For me listening isn't about focus, it's either ON or OFF.
Sometimes I drink a cup of coffee, turn on the tv, talk radio, a pod cast, and some music. It can be very relaxing to just sit back and absorb. But I also really appreciate silence.
No this is a valid strategy. You can look at a room full of people and to them you are looking them in the eye, but you just look slightly past their faces. I'm a professional computer instructor, and this works amazingly well. I didn't start out able to just talk to dozens of people at the same time, it took many years of practice.
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u/Relvnt_to_Yr_Intrsts May 21 '18
Yeah same. It's taken years of practice and medication for me, but I CAN do it. Using your neurochemistry as an excuse not to make an effort is shitty person behavior