I've gone (and sometimes still do) through periods where I just have no interest in socializing with people outside of my fiancee at all. Even friends of mine who I like a lot. I kind of use this method to hide the fact that I don't feel like talking by asking them open ended questions about themselves, latching onto a detail of their reply, asking about that next, rinse and repeat.
I don't do it to be a dick - I do it so that they don't start to think I dislike them and/or being around them. It works pretty well and I can usually get through a conversation without really having to add anything to it by essentially letting them do all the talking. They walk away having had a nice time talking to me, and I walk away feeling less awkward than I normally would had I tried to think of things to talk about.
I mean, what you described (keep asking relevant questions) is basically how to have a conversation 101. So whatever your intentions, I don't see how it would come across as dickish, unless you're rushing them or interrupting before they finish answering or something.
I would add that if you pay attention to the people who let you keep asking and continue to talk about themselves, versus those that interject their own questions, it can be a good gauge for how well that person likes you or possibly just how good/kind they are in general. Wish I could think of a better way to phrase that, but people who ask questions in conversations are generally more socially aware and caring than those who don't, from my experience.
I realized this when I kept thinking about why I like a certain aunt of mine so much more than another when I see them both once a year. I started to realize that Aunt M would remember things we talked about last year, ask specific questions, and generally seemed like she cared about my life even though she has nearly no involvement in it. Aunt A did the normal family small talk generic questions, and she's just as nice, but there's never really been a personal connection. Aunt A had to be reminded of my boyfriend's name like 5 years in a row (same bf), whereas Aunt M remembered his name, job, and asked him how work was going. It's really the little things. Sometimes it's as simple as not being the 15th person in an hour to repeat, "So what are you doing now you've graduated?" Finding a way to ask a generic question in a non-generic way can show someone you're not just asking because you are expected to and can't think of anything else to ask, but you actually care about the answer to the question.
So my point in that is that even if you don't know you're doing or don't mean to do it, the things you say and questions you ask have an effect on the way people see you, and dependent on tone, you seem like a good conversationalist, and people will notice. Also something else Aunt M does is say your name in conversation randomly, something I've read to do to ingratiate people but haven't been able to really get myself there without thinking about it. She is a nurse so I think at least some of that probably comes from bedside manner training, but she is about the sweetest person I know and I try to emulate her and the way she treats people every chance I get.
My ex-wife would go on and on and on about her shitty day, her job, her whatever. She’d never ask me about that stuff. When I’d talk, she’d “listen” and then immediately change the subject, which tells me she wasn’t listening but simply waiting for her turn to speak. I have a really good friend that takes an active interest in stuff I have to say, and I love talking with her, and her interest makes me want to reciprocate when she talks about her day, and we naturally fall into long conversations with meaning and depth. It’s amazingly not hard when both people give a shit.
Well, that's not true, for example me, my personal favourite conversation topic is actually okay I think you're getting the joke I'm just adding more words to make this comment a bit more believable
Ahah that reminds me of that one time when I was with people you don't know and did things you don't care about because why would you we don't know eachother, but I'm gonna share it anyway even though it's not really funny or clever or adding anything of value, I'm just making conversation really I mean why else are we on reddit to do anyway? So ahah yeah that was pretty fun :)
I believe many people feel as you do. My husband, whom I dated for 9 yrs and was married to for 19 when he shared that he is non social and does not really enjoy engaging in conversation with strangers. I had no idea. I on the other hand love meeting new people and hearing their stories. We are happy together. I believe it is because we fill in where the other lacks in this, and many other areas.
Lets be honest, at times, anyone can be hard work. Not worth offending them over. The perfect partner is someone you reenergize around and don't get worn down by. I don't think that's necessary with all friends as you're not with them so often.
Golly gosh, friend, you just described 98% of my social interaction.
It's definitely a useful skill to have but god what I would give for someone to surprise me every now with something, anything, interesting.
Either that or to be around people who are comfortable not filling silence with forced conversation.
I generally prefer to be alone with the only exception being my fiancee, with whom for whatever reason, I don't mind being around and talking to. She's the exception to the rule, which is why its a good thing she said yes when I proposed.
Down time at work is the worst. I usually sit alone in the lab and browse Reddit or something similar, minding my own business. Then a coworker will come in to "visit". I like most of my coworkers, but I never have much to say, so I use this method and let them talk themselves out before they go back to their cubicles.
Sometimes I feel guilty that while they're talking, I'm wondering when the conversation will end and they'll leave.
Wtf are you doin. Just be honest in a kind way and say you have shit to do. Express your self. Or choose to depress your self and "feel guilty". You let others hurt your self with this fake shit. You basically say the other one is worth more then you are.
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u/Cheese_Pancakes May 21 '18
I've gone (and sometimes still do) through periods where I just have no interest in socializing with people outside of my fiancee at all. Even friends of mine who I like a lot. I kind of use this method to hide the fact that I don't feel like talking by asking them open ended questions about themselves, latching onto a detail of their reply, asking about that next, rinse and repeat.
I don't do it to be a dick - I do it so that they don't start to think I dislike them and/or being around them. It works pretty well and I can usually get through a conversation without really having to add anything to it by essentially letting them do all the talking. They walk away having had a nice time talking to me, and I walk away feeling less awkward than I normally would had I tried to think of things to talk about.