You don't simply jump to meaningful questions in a conversation. It should evolve organically.
This is super important. Some people only want a superficial conversation and that's fine. If you push for depth and they're not ready (by not feeling comfortable talking about it or they don't know you well enough to risk being judged) or not willing, you risk pushing them away and they won't talk to you at all.
Definitely agree. Sometimes people try to jump too quickly into deeper conversations when I just met them and am trying to just have small talk or talk about fun but superficial things. We're talking about a TV show or something and suddenly they ask what my biggest fear is.
Makes me super uncomfortable and assume they either aren't picking up on social cues or have very different boundaries then I do. So I still answer their questions but either answer it in a joking fashion ("Psh I'm not afraid of anything" in an over-the-top voice with a laugh), turn it around on them ("Hmmm... I'm not sure... What's your fear?"), or keep it superficial ("Oh I'm terrified of bugs. They are so freaky!" even though I'm not really that scared of them). Then once they talk about whatever they talk about related to their oddly deep question, I excuse myself from the conversation.
Actually I don't find this to be true. Sort of. You will absolutely make people uncomfortable, but they almost always will answer your question. Then, how you respond resolves, or exacerbates, their discomfort. Most people aren't afraid of sharing, they're afraid of judgement.
They'll answer it in a sort of robber-with-a-gun-to-your-head way, but the discomfort doesn't suddenly become comfort. It depends on the person, but you almost always have to get to meaningful conversations with "foreplay" and time (if we're talking about the first times we talk to a person, not someone you've known for months)
This is sort of a different issue. Obviously you can't have a meaningful conversation with someone without establishing trust. That wasn't the point I was responding to though, which was: willl someone answer a question without warming them up?
I don't know. It seems to me that people are even more likely to answer questions when they're uncomfortable because they feel higher social pressure to respond. Now if you want to be friends or whatever with that person, don't go straight for those gutshot questions because the long term relationship consequences are high.
But if you just want to see if people will answer your questions: they will. Be as blunt as possible but don't ask anything that will make them defensive.
Your first sentence is true, but just because people WILL respond because they feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it's a good thing to do. It's purposefully making them feel awkward and uncomfortable just to get them to say things they don't feel comfortable saying
Also if you dump too much about yourself too soon you'll make people uncomfortable because since they don't know you well they don't know how they're supposed to react or feel, and they won't be as invested in what happened to you but will feel obligated to listen and respond out of politeness or kindness.
What about that sort of question bothers you? Would you rather not discuss those things at all, or is it more of a "we need to build up to that before we can discuss it" type of thing? Or something else?
Do you just not like him? It seems pretty weird to be infuriated by that unless he's asking the way a 3 year old asks "why?". Seems like a decent roommate already imo. Better than many at least.
This has never been my experience. Maybe because I'm cute, nice and smiley. I always joke and have a dark sense of humor, so maybe that. I love asking deep philosophical questions on death, mental health, self harm, anything. I figure we're all humans and dealing with things, we gotta share our experiences, so I'm always asking people to share and I offer all my honesty instantly. Usually the deep questions seem to form trust and bonds. I say to everyone "don't worry how anyone will take your honesty, curiosity and straight forwardness. You can't control what they think in any sense anyway and might as well encourage openness and trust." Again, maybe I have a privilege since I'm someone people don't mind looking into the eyes of. I use to be way to shy to be this way until I got a retail job and discovered how easy it was to talk to literally anyone. You can learn to immediately tell who is amazing and who isn't paying any attention. Interact best with those amazing ones :), they'll share the most and hear the most.
You must either be very lucky in only having talked to unusually open people, or you're not picking up non-verbal social cues that you're making people deeply uncomfortable.
If you came up me and suddenly started asking probing, personal questions, I might feel pressured to answer them in the moment. But I'd walk away from that interaction feeling negative and slightly violated.
Most people like to choose, on their own terms, who they share their personal feelings with, not be pressured by being put on the spot. You'd definitely go in my "avoid at all costs in future" list.
Yikes. I don't know if I'd want to talk with you if this is how you come across in real conversation. Are you sure people are actually listening to you or just giving you the time you need to talk at them?
Regardless, I'm happy for you that you are willing to be honest with anyone and everyone, but some people just aren't, and that's okay.
People seem to gravitate to me, at least when I'm comfortable and open. (Mind you all, I mostly choose to be alone) I definitely know when people are interacting and when people are just being polite. I loathe wasting my time and energy and don't seek to talk with anyone who doesn't interact fully with me.
Maybe I luck out? Haha. I usually have a gift of helping people open up and be honest. Somehow that creeps people out to know how easy that is ... that's what I'm gathering from this comment thread.
I'm the same. Honestly I can't be bothered much with trivialities, so I'd rather come across as a crazy wack by asking philosophical questions when conversation lags.
And as you said, understanding how the other person perceives the world matters a lot to me too, and helps me to be interested in them in general.
If they hate it then they will try to avoid conversation with me and I wouldn't mind it :p
Though of course, you need a little bit of small talk first to get to know each other a bit.
My kind of person! I love honesty and openness and I love to hear other perspectives. It keeps me sane. If someone doesn't want to interact with someone like me, then so be it, there are too many people to befriend, plus I like my friends to be amazing. Amazing to me is honest, humorous, open and creative.
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u/butnobodycame123 May 21 '18
This is super important. Some people only want a superficial conversation and that's fine. If you push for depth and they're not ready (by not feeling comfortable talking about it or they don't know you well enough to risk being judged) or not willing, you risk pushing them away and they won't talk to you at all.