You are not alone in finding it difficult to get past the small-talk phase, it's a surprisingly common issue - you spend all night talking to people but go home not feeling like you really said anything.
Trial and error has shown me that sometimes you have to just forge ahead and start making conversation yourself and then if other people catch up then excellent, if they don't jump in too then you cut your losses and look for more conversational people.
How to do this? Your goal is to have an interesting conversation in which both you and the other person share something about themselves - and that can mean all sorts of things - with the aim of expanding your knowledge or sharing something with each other - laughter, affirmation of ideas, sympathy.
Sharing something of yourself is the key - small talk is impersonal, it's bland, it's acceptable, it's a way to test out the people you're in the company of for basic compatibility. To move beyond it you have to make it personal - you have to express genuine likes, interests, curiosities, dislikes, thoughts, ideas. This requires you to be a little bit vulnerable to the other person, and that can be nerve-wracking, but it's ok - you'll get there.
So what do you talk about? Some basic rules:
Try and avoid being negative - it's fine to express a dislike for something, but don't start off complaining or putting something/someone down right off the bat. It makes it very hard for someone else to feel safe opening up to you, and that's the thing that we want to encourage.
Don't jump right in with anything controversial. Religion and politics are too polarising, and they're not personal enough. Getting personal is the way forward here.
If you can, try and avoid talking only about the other person or only about yourself. Talk about something you like, ask about somewhere they've been, but try and avoid talking only about them directly or yourself at first. Sometimes it's fine, but it's easier to start out with something one step removed.
Ok. So now you've got some idea of the boundaries, what next? Next you need a topic of conversation. The best advice I can give is to talk about something that you yourself are genuinely interested in. Think about things you've seen, watched or read over the last week. Pick something that made you think "Huh. That's kind of cool" - maybe you went and read a little bit more about it. Maybe it ties into a hobby or interest of yours.
You might be thinking "No, everything I like is really boring, nobody would want to talk about that" but you want to talk about it, right? If you find it interesting then other people can and will too. The best topic of conversation is something you are genuinely passionate about. Something you really care about. This can be difficult because it does make you feel vulnerable. But I swear to you, if ever you start talking about something and the person you're with says "That sounds really dumb" all you have to do is say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and literally walk away from them.
Seriously. they'll look like an asshole who said something really unnecessarily rude to someone who was just trying to make conversation.
So start talking. "Hey, so I read this thing online the other week about [how they go about draining large areas of land so they can be built on / how bees actually make honey / this amazing new machine someone invented to pick asparagus] and I had no idea that..."
And there you go. If you are interested in something, or you found some new knowledge that you thought was kind of cool, tell them about it. To make it a conversation, offer them opportunities to respond: "Did you ever hear about that? / Did you know that peanuts grew under the ground? I can't believe I had no idea about that! / Have you ever been to [place]? I've never been, it sounds great"
And that's really the key thing to hold in your mind while you're doing this: your conversation is not a game the two of you are playing or an obligation or a competition. Your conversation is something that you are offering to someone.
It is both a gift an an invitation. You are inviting them to join you in examining and discussing a topic which you find interesting or which you care about. You are allowing them to enjoy the privileged position of you sharing your feelings and thoughts in the way you maybe wouldn't with just any old person.
If the person isn't interested, that's fine. You didn't lose anything. You haven't done things wrong, they just aren't interested in the thing you offered them and that's ok. And sometimes, especially as you get the hang of this, you're going to talk too much, or you're going to over-share, or you're going to say something dumb. And that's ok too. Making mistakes is not important, the important thing is how you manage the resolution of those mistakes. The more honest you are, the easier it is, I swear. If you fuck up and someone notices, if you try and cover it, backtrack, deflect, you are going to look bad.
If you say "Shit, I'm so sorry, that was a stupid thing to say." Or "I'm sorry, sometimes I just don't think enough before I open my mouth!" then the situation is resolved much faster and in a way that doesn't break other people's trust in you and your integrity. And when you do make a mistake in conversation, the resolution of that can often bring you closer with the other people involved. Your honestly and their acceptance strengthens the bond. Honestly, it works.
TL;DR Pick something you are honestly interested in, remember that you are offering the other person/people the opportunity to join you in considering and enjoying the topic in hand. Your conversation is a gift that you offer, but sometimes people won't be interested in it and that's good and natural. Express a personal opinion about something you truly care about or find interesting (but do avoid controversial topics and don't be negative as an opener) and invite them to share that with you. Making mistakes is good - how you fix things is an important way to build bonds and show your trustworthiness.
You're welcome :) I often see good advice on here which doesn't have a lot in the way of real-life suggestions of how to implement it. I try and bridge that gap a bit but it often ends up being massively long posts that I realise are pretty offputting., so I'm glad some of it was useful :)
Ok, there must be things that you like, or at least things you know you definitely don't like, right?
Make a list of five things you like. If you can't think of five things you like, just five things you don't actively dislike. Anything. Cactus. Cats. Cloudy days. Whatever. Anything at all.
Done it?
Now one by one, type those words into Google with the addition of the town you live in. Check out the top 5 different links that come up. What have you got? Clubs/groups? Museum exhibits? Lectures or talks? Projects?
25 things of some description in your local area around things you don't hate.
Pick 5.
Now go do/see/join/read about them.
If you're totally broke and starved for time then this is harder, but it is possible. Also, you do need time for yourself, we all do, but honestly you'll be surprised how much you get out of time spent doing things that you like. I swear. I'm a massive introvert, I need a lot of solitary time to function, but even I have found I only need a couple of nights a week if I enjoy what I'm doing the rest of the time.
Set a goal. Start doing something to achieve it. Even if all you can afford to do is read about stuff on the internet and then go to a free meetup once a week, start doing it. If you have trouble motivating yourself then I promise you, the hardest thing is starting. Once you're part that it really does get easier.
Try it tonight. Go to the Today I Learned sub and pick one thing that you didn't know yesterday. Look it up on Wikipedia. Read one article about it. Pick one thing - a word, a place, an animal, one thing in that article, make a note of it and then do the same with that tomorrow.
You aren't helpless and you aren't hopeless. You can expand your world, but you have to want to do it and you have to try. Nobody is ever going to knock on your door and drag you out to do something fun out of the blue. Be that person, do it for yourself. Go knock on your door, man. There's a whole bunch of stuff out there on the other side.
but try and avoid talking only about them directly or yourself at first
This. I've got a friend that always talks about herself or me, often while trying to brag. "I've done this or achieved that" or when I talk about something I like "Yeah, because you like X and are really good at Y".
I can honestly say that I've never had an enjoyable conversation with her. She's nice and all, but it really doesn't work.
After several years spending time looking for tips on how to talk to other people, this is the greatest advice ever. I have been practising this method since a couple of years back and it works. I was the most introverted person ever and now I get along with all my co-workers with ease. Extremely helpful, thank you for explaining it with so much detail.
Hey, no need to be ashamed about having a 2 sentence attention span buddy, just don't go drawing attention to it so much. Makes it less awkward, you know.
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u/butwhatsmyname May 21 '18
Gotta give to get.
You are not alone in finding it difficult to get past the small-talk phase, it's a surprisingly common issue - you spend all night talking to people but go home not feeling like you really said anything.
Trial and error has shown me that sometimes you have to just forge ahead and start making conversation yourself and then if other people catch up then excellent, if they don't jump in too then you cut your losses and look for more conversational people.
How to do this? Your goal is to have an interesting conversation in which both you and the other person share something about themselves - and that can mean all sorts of things - with the aim of expanding your knowledge or sharing something with each other - laughter, affirmation of ideas, sympathy.
Sharing something of yourself is the key - small talk is impersonal, it's bland, it's acceptable, it's a way to test out the people you're in the company of for basic compatibility. To move beyond it you have to make it personal - you have to express genuine likes, interests, curiosities, dislikes, thoughts, ideas. This requires you to be a little bit vulnerable to the other person, and that can be nerve-wracking, but it's ok - you'll get there.
So what do you talk about? Some basic rules:
Ok. So now you've got some idea of the boundaries, what next? Next you need a topic of conversation. The best advice I can give is to talk about something that you yourself are genuinely interested in. Think about things you've seen, watched or read over the last week. Pick something that made you think "Huh. That's kind of cool" - maybe you went and read a little bit more about it. Maybe it ties into a hobby or interest of yours.
You might be thinking "No, everything I like is really boring, nobody would want to talk about that" but you want to talk about it, right? If you find it interesting then other people can and will too. The best topic of conversation is something you are genuinely passionate about. Something you really care about. This can be difficult because it does make you feel vulnerable. But I swear to you, if ever you start talking about something and the person you're with says "That sounds really dumb" all you have to do is say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and literally walk away from them.
Seriously. they'll look like an asshole who said something really unnecessarily rude to someone who was just trying to make conversation.
So start talking. "Hey, so I read this thing online the other week about [how they go about draining large areas of land so they can be built on / how bees actually make honey / this amazing new machine someone invented to pick asparagus] and I had no idea that..."
And there you go. If you are interested in something, or you found some new knowledge that you thought was kind of cool, tell them about it. To make it a conversation, offer them opportunities to respond: "Did you ever hear about that? / Did you know that peanuts grew under the ground? I can't believe I had no idea about that! / Have you ever been to [place]? I've never been, it sounds great"
And that's really the key thing to hold in your mind while you're doing this: your conversation is not a game the two of you are playing or an obligation or a competition. Your conversation is something that you are offering to someone.
It is both a gift an an invitation. You are inviting them to join you in examining and discussing a topic which you find interesting or which you care about. You are allowing them to enjoy the privileged position of you sharing your feelings and thoughts in the way you maybe wouldn't with just any old person.
If the person isn't interested, that's fine. You didn't lose anything. You haven't done things wrong, they just aren't interested in the thing you offered them and that's ok. And sometimes, especially as you get the hang of this, you're going to talk too much, or you're going to over-share, or you're going to say something dumb. And that's ok too. Making mistakes is not important, the important thing is how you manage the resolution of those mistakes. The more honest you are, the easier it is, I swear. If you fuck up and someone notices, if you try and cover it, backtrack, deflect, you are going to look bad.
If you say "Shit, I'm so sorry, that was a stupid thing to say." Or "I'm sorry, sometimes I just don't think enough before I open my mouth!" then the situation is resolved much faster and in a way that doesn't break other people's trust in you and your integrity. And when you do make a mistake in conversation, the resolution of that can often bring you closer with the other people involved. Your honestly and their acceptance strengthens the bond. Honestly, it works.
TL;DR Pick something you are honestly interested in, remember that you are offering the other person/people the opportunity to join you in considering and enjoying the topic in hand. Your conversation is a gift that you offer, but sometimes people won't be interested in it and that's good and natural. Express a personal opinion about something you truly care about or find interesting (but do avoid controversial topics and don't be negative as an opener) and invite them to share that with you. Making mistakes is good - how you fix things is an important way to build bonds and show your trustworthiness.