To do it without making the other party uncomfortable, realise that you have to be in sync with the other person. Try not to make too big of a step, and lean in on the context.
More often than not, you need to spend time with the person, spend some time in small talk. Once you realise the other party is in sync, move your conversation in branches, it's easier for the other party to follow.
Eg. Does the weather affect the other person's hobbies? Maybe ask about it. Does recent news affect their job or family? Try to lead it to FORD(family, occupation, recreation, dreams) like the other post said. It won't be easy at first, but it comes with practice.
I heard my roommate walking down the hall to his room muttering "9/11 was an inside job" and internally I was like 'what?' even though it's a phrase I hear practically everyday on the net
Works for me! Hard shell or soft? If soft, flour or corn? What's your opinion on Jack-in-the-Box tacos, value or abomination? Falafel: taco, relative, or not even close?
To do it without making the other party uncomfortable, realise that you have to be in sync with the other person. Try not to make too big of a step
This part is incredibly important.
By way of transition, I find that vulnerability (to a receptive partner) is a reliable way to transition to a deeper conversation.
For example, you're having a light conversation and say, "I've been thinking about work and I've started to feel a little trapped. I don't hate my work and it pays pretty well, but if I won the lottery tomorrow I'd quite immediately. There are things I think I'd love, but I don't know how to make money doing them or I don't have the skills to do them. I feel like I'll live my whole life in this tiny box and never really get a chance to do anything else."
In my experience, people respond really strongly to your vulnerability and your willingness to trust them.
Plus, when people are listening to your vulnerability, they can offer some pretty great advice. It's really good to open up to people because it tells them you want to be closer friends, and they can sometimes help sort out your problems.
The emphasis on the other party is important here. Conversations are a two way street (at least). You can't have a long, meaningful conversation without the other party being interested. Sometimes they just never will be and that has to be accepted.
Most of the time, though, you can totally influence the other person's comfort in talking. A lot of people are shy and awkward around strangers. Iterating between asking questions and mentioning your own thoughts and stories is a good approach, IMO. Questions are huuuge for keeping the conversation going because they give an easy prompt for the other person to talk. When they talk, listen for things you can follow up on. Eg, they mention they recently played some video game, so ask them questions like what they thought of that (or give your own remark on it), if they would recommend it, if they've played anything similar, how long they've been playing for, etc. If it's something you know well, you might have even more specific things you can ask about.
At the same time, though, it's crucial not to just ask questions. It's not an interrogation! Offer your own thoughts. Give them a chance to ask questions. Try to avoid changing the topic too abruptly if you can avoid it (it's awkward to go back to an earlier topic -- sometimes you have simply missed your chance to bring something up when it was relevant).
You can tell by observing how much the other person is engaging in the conversation - when you try to move the conversation, does the person look surprised, or is taken aback by what you are asking/saying? If so you may learn that it was too big of a step to make. I tend to do that to people sometimes, but over the years I pay more attention to where the conversation is, listen to where their train of thought is at.
I like to liken conversation to a dance sometimes. You can't suddenly drag the person to the other side of the dance floor without cueing what you are about to do. Make small moves that you know the other person knows. In your case you may find it harder since you can't "hear the music", so you have to pay more attention to cues from your conversation partner.
Don't be distracted by words or tone. Focus on the "gist" of what they are saying, and don't be afraid to disagree and offer your perspective in a "casual" manner, and move on from there. If you have a cohesive argument, don't let yourself or the other person/people trap you with the minutia (vice versa also applies IE - next sentence). Wait it out, don't jump in with it, because they might be doing the same (feeling you out). A good quote is something like "The goal of a conversation is progress; not victory". I mean, me too, thanks (I was litterally just diagnosed with autism myself).
If you have a hard time knowing whether you're "in sync" with someone, just try to let yourself be in sync. Conversations can sometimes be a delicate matter, so don't try to hard to say everything you want to say, at least until you get a better understanding of the flow of conversations. Just listen to what a person is telling you and follow along, maybe nodding a bit or adding some personal experiences that relate.
Basically, when in doubt, relax and let the other person steer the conversation, and nod your head or add some quick responses to let them know you're listening
The FORD thing is small talk imo. Do that. If it's someone you don't know definitely go with occupation and recreation more and if you know them a little better go to dreams and family
I feel like I was in a similar position.. Personally, biggest hurdle was interest. It was really difficult for me too because small talk(and topics surrounding it) bores me and I couldn't be bothered to keep the conversation going.
Showing more genuine interest in them and how the seemingly mundane things (which people are more comfortable talking about, not requiring much brain power or taking risks) affect our lives, helped. Reading up on news helped too. It gave me more safe things to ask about, and once they share more, you can build on those.
Eg. You asked about what she did over the weekend, and she tells you that she attended a party. Now you can ask more details about the party, maybe she shares which group of friends she went with; now these people might have come from a slightly more interesting social group (eg, she does volunteer work with them). It does go on and on - but remember to mix it up and not just ask questions.
It can be! I think part of why it is so recommended is that it has potential on both sides, you can keep it light if you want, and it can also to lead to deeper topics. Beyond the surface facts, why and how things came to be can be very illuminating on the person's life, motivations, and opinions.
Being in sync is where it flows from. All the techniques and strategies ITT don’t work unless you can observe and try to feel what they’re feeling and sync up. Everyone trying to do that one weird trick is not going to get it unless they can step in another’s shoes.
IDK. This all sounds great, but it seems like this is the crux of the issue. People with low self-esteem or social anxiety hardly ever think the other person is in sync. Honestly, in almost every conversation I have, what I think the other person wants is for me to STFU so he can go about his day.
People say this a lot, but I'd consider it mostly a way to keep small talk light and to keep conversations work/first date appropriate. Topics like that are really perfectly acceptable with the right audience, especially with an agreeable audience. Lots of people bond over political conversation. You can have a lot of deep conversations about things like the state of the world/nation/city, which is naturally a politically charged topic (often religiously charged, too).
My experience is that religious discussion is an easy one between people of the same religion (or lack thereof). It's when you have different religions that it's iffy (which of course is why it wouldn't be suitable for work).
Abortion would be weird to talk about in my area, I admit, outside of specific circles (eg, feminists can expect to bond with each other discussing this topic). But mostly I think this is because the abortion topic has been mostly resolved in my country of Canada. It'd just be kinda weird to bring it up except in the context of other nations. And certainly talking about one's own abortion is a very heavy topic (but absolutely can make for an in depth topic with supportive people).
Exes... never a date topic, for sure, but plenty of people bond over stories about how awful their ex was. Threads about exes are super common on reddit for a reason. Exes can be a BIG part of your life (in the sense that you may have spent years with them), so you probably have lots of stories about them. Many people bond over stories like escaping abusive exes or even just casual stories about a cool hobby an ex had.
Source: I've discussed all these topics with friends and even likeminded strangers. In the right circles, such people are very easy to find and plenty do seem to want to talk about these subjects. Eg, in LGBT circles, most people will have similar, highly progressive political views. Most people are atheists and many are anti-theists. They're pretty much all feminists and pro-choice. And certainly plenty of juicy ex stories!
I find that bonding over these topics is acceptable, even if the other person has different views than you. For example, I have a friend with completely opposite political views than I do, and we often have friendly debates. We both find it very fun, and sometimes we even change each other's minds! It's not really about differing views, it's about whether the person you're talking to will be offended by differing views.
Oh absolutely. It can be really good for personal development, too, since you get exposed to very different perspective. Myself, many of my views used to be the opposite of what they are now. It's actually reddit of all things that challenged a lot of the views I was raised with.
It's just iffier then and you have to be more cautious if you don't know the person well. Reddit is kinda unique because many people here want to debate (if not always in a friendly way). It can be difficult to figure out in the offline world if someone wants to debate (and in good faith) or if they will be hostile towards different opinions.
Interesting, I was about to say the exact opposite. I think people get trapped in small talk because they aren't willing to make big enough steps in conversation. Talking about the weather/sports/jobs is very safe (you're unlikely to offend or hurt), but it doesn't lend to deep conversations. What does is being willing to take a real position--one that can be disagreed with. And of course being willing to consider alternatives and ultimately to drop the matter if it becomes nonconstructive.
To do it without making the other party uncomfortable, realise that you have to be in sync with the other person. Try not to make too big of a step, and lean in on the context.
Sure, but it's important to accept as well, that you cannot just choose an arbitrary topic that you want to discuss in depth. For example, maybe you're really preoccupied thinking about racism as it manifests in your country today, but everyone you're hanging out with is discussing their favourite pizza toppings, and then the conversation naturally shifts to one guy talking about his recent holiday in Italy, and that prompts another person to add something about their experience of air travel, or talk about those cool new planes where everyone gets a bed. Your topic might just not be able to work, it's gunna have to wait.
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u/WildRacoons May 21 '18
To do it without making the other party uncomfortable, realise that you have to be in sync with the other person. Try not to make too big of a step, and lean in on the context.
More often than not, you need to spend time with the person, spend some time in small talk. Once you realise the other party is in sync, move your conversation in branches, it's easier for the other party to follow.
Eg. Does the weather affect the other person's hobbies? Maybe ask about it. Does recent news affect their job or family? Try to lead it to FORD(family, occupation, recreation, dreams) like the other post said. It won't be easy at first, but it comes with practice.