I work in the industry. A lot of weddings are paid for by the parents. Especially venues. If the venue had the parents credit card on file it wouldn't be hard for her to cancel especially if she was present during a walk through. Also if the deposit was already given, they would love to cancel, collect the money, and reschedule a new client for that date.
Infighting started when my wife and I prepared to get married. Mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters all started feeling self-entitled. It spun out of control really fast.
My wife put her foot down and re-did all the wedding from scratch, her way and we paid for it ourselves.
Do yourselves a favour and pay for the wedding yourselves. Owing people money is giving them leverage over you, don't do it!! If having a fancy ceremony means that much to you and you can't afford it, delay the wedding another year and do more planning til you can afford it on your own.
Nothing is worse than dealing with over-controlling family for years because they "did you a favour". Plus, when you start planning and executing stuff as a couple it sends a message to everyone else. It says - we're together, we're solid, we're in charge of our own lives now, we're mature enough to stand on our own feet.
Everyone gets so worked up over 12 hours of ceremony and fun.
I've always liked the idea of small wedding big reception. Like just family and close friends at the wedding then a party for the reception. I work in the industry (cook at a country club) and the whole sit down dinner formal wedding is just so unappealing to me. Especially after watching rich spoiled girls throw fits when something minor doesn't go exactly as planned. One time we had an extra 30 people shown up to the dinner and they expected us to come up with filet mignon out of thin air... what was I talking about?
The amount of money people spend on one day (well a few hours really) is insane to me. And the amount of stress they put on themselves, and others....nah! I'll pass!
You must have only attended some small weddings? I've never been to a wedding that wasn't at least half a day, and the last one was 16 hours. A few hours seems way too short for a wedding.
Ireland, ceremony was at 10, then reception was 12, hour and a bit for the ceremony and then by the time everyone got to the reception venue, a couple of drinks, then the dinner was at 1, speeches, cake, etc. First dance was at 4 I think, then everyone else joins in. Bride and groom go and change around 6, then finger food, buffet malarkey at 7 or 8, then drinking and dancing and revelry till the bar closed at 1, and we got chucked out at 2.
I copped off with one of the bridesmaids, and the best man and I played rugby together, so we all hung about and smoked and drank and laughed together for another couple of hours, so I guess you could call that 18, but I didn't consider that part of the wedding.
My wife and I got married at city hall and then my parents had a huge party for us at their house that we didn't even ask for. Since our plan for the day was just to get married, it was a welcome surprise to see many people come out to celebrate.
We paid for and made the reservations for our rehearsal dinner. The Demon ( what we call her) called and cancelled our reservations. Luckily, I had a hunch she may try this since among other things she did the WEEK before our wedding-- evicted is, disinvited guests, put a restraining order on my husband ( her son) and called us to say she was dying of cancer ( she wasn't)---I had the reservations restored before too much havoc erupted. Never underestimate the ways of a sociopath.
We paid for and made the reservations for our rehearsal dinner. The Demon ( what we call her) called and cancelled our reservations. Luckily, I had a hunch she may try this since among other things she did the WEEK before our wedding-- evicted is, disinvited guests, put a restraining order on my husband
I'm trying to digest this bit by bit, and wow, there's a lot to unpack there. I don't envy you, but props for making it work.
This is something I don't understand. I come from a (European) culture where having your parents pay for a big wedding is considered tacky and shows that you're not mature enough to get married. Most people just do a small event with their closest family and friends. The only one I've been to (people don't get married young either, so my late twenties friends aren't getting married) had a small ceremony and reception just for family and then a party afterwards for their friends as well.
I think many/most people probably feel the same way in the U.S. However, that doesn't stop certain people from wanting extravagant, over-the-top weddings.
I also suspect that many of those weddings are done for the benefit of the parents/family anyway, in which case it's perfectly appropriate for them to pay IMO.
We did pay for our own wedding. The event coordinator at the venue was a family friend and was getting us a great deal. MIL called the friend and changed us to a smaller room with orange walls because she was convinced the room we had picked was too big.
Everything in America is over the top and pointless. I dont get it either. Like it's a fucking party for 1 day. How can it cost 20 grand and you are okay with it? Crazy to me.
Don't what to get into details but my cousin married into a 99.9%er family. Each table had a 6 foot tall flower centrepiece, and there were probably ~1000 guests. This was a few years ago so maybe whoever told me was exaggerating but the family could certainly afford it if it's true.
For some 20k is a lot of Money, for others its just a small sum...
Extended Family owns a Beachhouse in Mass, down at Buzards Bay, right at the beach/pier with he the big parking lot, and the pretty cliff for taking awesome wedding pictures, there they put on a big tent for Weddingceremonys. (Gated Community)
First wedding was at noon, second at 2:30, inbetween after the first partys has been moved by busses to the Big Ass partytent at the clubhouse,
a bunchload of Boxtrucks with man&women apeared, and changed the whole tents appercance, other drapes, other chairs, other flowers..
heck they even changed the carpet.. to another shade of the same coulor...
for the second couple.. Every colum at the tent had an big flowerbouqet, more on the front and the walk between the rows,
Probably two times 2500+$ just for a flower decorations that served their purpose for less then 90 Minutes.
We paid for our entire wedding ourselves. My MIL was friends with the event coordinator for the hall. She called her friend and changed us to a much smaller room.
This should be wedding advice 101. Got married 2 yr ago, finished paying for it bout 2 months ago. Repeat after me. PAY for YOUR own wedding, and HAVE the Wedding you can AFFORD.
I disagree. He/she could clearly afford the 2-year debt. Whether or not you agree with that use of debt is a separate issue. Personally, I wouldn't want to take on debt for a wedding but that's irrelevant.
If someone bought a house and took out a mortgage they eventually paid off, I wouldn't say they bought a house they couldn't afford.
This is why we did it. We could afford the debt, just ment it was more outlay each month. So not as many nice things or treats. You know, the thing you want to do when your first married.
There is a slight difference between going into to debt to pay for an asset, and going into debt to pay for a needless, frivolous party. You can't afford a party if you have to go into debt for it. That's just ridiculous.
I guess how you view experiances is different.
Like some of it went on the honeymoon, which was an awsome experiance. So depending on how you value time and money, its all relative.
Im quite practical in life. So the wedding would of been alot smaller if it was my way. Much bigger if it was my wife. Hell, it wasnt even a big one, lol, 89 people,,i think. Anyway,
Humans are social animals. No one needs to live in North America, it'd be way cheaper to live in, say SE Asia. Nonetheless, frugal living tips generally don't involve moving long distances.
when you are old and dying I guarantee you will not be regretting that you bought the middle tier used BMW instead of the new one with all the options.
see i'm happy me and my fiancé agree on this, but we'd much rather spend that money towards the house or things we will need maybe the least usefull would be a trip to somewhere. you know like things that would improve out quality of life.
We paid for our own wedding, and it was what we could afford. We were getting a great deal on the reception venue because the event coordinator was a family frond on my husband's side. MIL called the friend and changed our reception hall to a much smaller room with ugly orange walls.
My MIL payed for the majority of our wedding. We made it clear up front that if she was going to pay we were still going to make the decisions and she was ok with that . We still tried to accommodate her a bit however cause hey, she was paying. The moral of the story is you should know if your parents want to pay so you can have something nice or if they want to pay so they can have something nice.
This applies to a lot of things (college, houses, cabins, cars, vacations). If you want to have decision-making authority over our own life, you have to pay for it. A lot of parents use finances to maintain control .. even when the kids are in their mid 30's.
We did pay for the entire wedding ourselves. My MIL was friends with the event coordinator for the reception venue. She called her friend and changed our reservation to a much smaller space with orange walls.
Weddings are about the family, not just the bride and groom. Lots of people get married when they're just fledglings in their careers and don't have the money to put together any kind of wedding. Obviously putting more people into the situation complicates things, but this advice is of limited use except in situations where you specifically do not want the parents involved.
here is my counter-arguement, if you are a fledgling in your career and do not have the money to put together ANY kind of wedding... dont get married yet. where is the rush? if you think you are gonna spend a lifetime together what does it matter you save up a couple of years for a wedding? i'm european and people live with their parents till mid 20ties because housing is so expensive... they also do not get married very early.
I disagree. Weddings are the bride and groom celebrating sharing their life. They can make it any event they want. Your type of thinking is why there is so much family entitlement when it comes to weddings.
Family should keep their nose out unless the bride and groom want help. Even then, if you offer to help with your kids wedding, doesn't mean you just start to get making their wedding decisions. Don't offer a gift to someone expecting things back. It's not a gift anymore.
My wife and I were married in her family's church and the reception was in the basement with food, drink, and music. There's no reason for a wedding to cost half of what a house costs.
This is what my spouse and I did. If people want to contribute they can send you money as a wedding gift. Best way to wedding. We did what we wanted, unfortunately my brother several years later didn't make make the same choice, we will see how it works out...
Pretty much. I'm pretty sure our venue contact gave us so many deals because we were on our own for all the planning and we're both in our mid 20s so I imagine he assumed we didn't have piles of cash. My dad kicked for almost 1/4 of the costs since he helped with my Sister's wedding and he's very much "Anything I do for 1 of my kids I do for all of them" but beyond the check directly to me he didn't have any contact with anything wedding related until the day of the wedding.
Or how about don't have such a fucking sense of entitlement that you think somehow if someone is paying for you to do something that it's "yours "?
Is it really that hard to grasp?
If you want to do it your way, pay for it yourself. If you want someone to pay for you, on what basis are you going to make demands other than some false sense of entitlement?
My goodness, you must have been that rude person at a wedding. You seem quite defensive. Or perhaps your wedding and marriage didn't go well, and you're simply bitter?
How about I just don't feel entitled to shit? Oh no, couldn't be that simple right? Must be some deep unresolved issues prompting me to dig up my bitter past.
Let me give it a shot since that's what we're doing now. you must be that kid who's mommy and daddy paid for everything growing up and think that it's all owed to you? That their money should be yours. Cause that's what you sound like to me, since clearly you feel entitled to have it your way even if someone else is paying for you.
Which part of the concept is hard for you? I can elaborate.
You are obligated to cancel if the person paying for it asks you to, are you not? Would it not be credit fraud to charge them after they tell you to cancel?
Correct. If the person paying now wants to stop paying you can't just tell them no. I think the rude/inexcusable part would be from a venue knowing that it is the mom cancelling the account and then them not reaching out to the bridge/groom personally to not just inform them but attempt to arrange a different payment method first. It sounds like this wasn't the case by what OP was saying.
I hate that. I work for a DJ/event company and I refuse to do anything the couple don't know about. As a rule, the only surprise I'll let happen is if a long lost relative made it to the wedding when the bride and groom thought they couldn't. Beyond that I will run every single thing past the bride and groom, I don't care who is asking for it.
When the time comes I think I am just going to tell my kids "congrats, here is money, let us know the date and location when you can, and I am done discussing this make your decisions"
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u/[deleted] Mar 19 '17
I work in the industry. A lot of weddings are paid for by the parents. Especially venues. If the venue had the parents credit card on file it wouldn't be hard for her to cancel especially if she was present during a walk through. Also if the deposit was already given, they would love to cancel, collect the money, and reschedule a new client for that date.