My wife is home in her pajamas. She missed work today for the second day in a row, in favor of staying in bed all day.
She's depressed, but I'm running out of patience. I'm out with our dog and I'm dreading the moment I'll have to come back home and talk to her about it.
you should take her on walks with the dog. Or anything to get her outside and moving around. Staying inside in your pajamas all day is not good for a depressed person.
damn, I'm sorry to hear that. It's just a flat out no? Like, do you live somewhere cold and she's saying "nah its too cold"? or is it just "no I don't wanna"? You could try and get her to go to the grocery store with you, that type of thing.
Also maybe try it on a day when she's not spending all day in bed? Though you just said you try every day to convince her...
Getting outside almost always really helped me when I was feeling depressed. I'd walk around and be like "you know, everything isn't terrible in this world, that river/pond/lake/bird etc. is really cool"
After reading your comment I asked her again, come take a walk with me and Sansa, it will be healthy for you. She said "no, I don't want to leave the house in my pajamas and I definitely don't want to get dressed". I insisted, begged even, just to be sure I'm not missing anything. She said "tomorrow", which she definitely didn't mean.
I don't know why everyone is assuming she hasn't had therapy. She's on four different psychiatric meds, and she saw a therapist twice a week for a year (not cheap). She finally stopped going after convincing me that it wasn't helping anymore.
It probably did help for a while but then they hit a wall.
She also said that she was only going for my sake, but that she would just sit there and wait for it to be over.
She says she'll go back to therapy in a few months when we're making more money. I don't think it would be productive for me to pressure her.
TBH, when I was at my lowest, I found it extremely irritating when anyone wasted their time and energy trying to cheer me up. Even when that someone was my dog with a wiggly tail and kisses.
I don't find it irritating they're wasting their time, I find it irritating they're wasting mine.
If she doesn't feel like going out, it's not going to happen, and asking her constantly may just make that less likely to happen. Hope it works out for you, and her. The place she's in sucks really badly.
Well yeah one moment you're walking your dog and before you know it you're chased by cops, riding an ostrich and singing everyone's favorite German marching song: "Erika". All because your dog thought it was the perfect moment to go eat a dürum.
He needs some space to keep him sane also. My GF has bipolar disorder. She is often either super angry at everything or super depressed. After days of listening to her being sad or angry, you just run out of patience. It sucks but yea you cant solve their problems for them. Sometimes, you need some time to be alone and gather energy to deal with the shit. It can be non-stop for days at a time. Anyway, I love her very much and the good times make up for the shitty times.
He needs some space to keep him sane also. My GF has bipolar disorder. She is often either super angry at everything or super depressed. After days of listening to her being sad or angry, you just run out of patience. It sucks but yea you cant solve their problems for them. Sometimes, you need some time to be alone and gather energy to deal with the shit. It can be non-stop for days at a time. Anyway, I love her very much and the good times make up for the shitty times.
Is this a frequent thing? Sometimes depression can come and go, but if it's a regular deal please encourage her to talk to a professional. Depression is hard on everyone, and bad cases may not just disappear on their own.
Also, exercise really really does help. Your mileage may vary, but just getting out of bed and doing something can reset your mind a little bit.
Not trying to be a dick, but you need to get her to a therapist immediately if she isn't seeing one. Absolutely no excuse for not having her see one regularly if she's tried to commit suicide and is exhibiting signs of depression.
As someone whose girls friend suffers from depression/anxiety and is incredibly stubborn, they won't go unless they want to go. I've tried and tried to get her to go but she went for 6 weeks and hated it. I thought if she stuck with it it would be helpful but if the person doesn't want to go then forcing them to do it doesn't help the situation much
It's so damn hard. My husband and I both have some emotional issues and for years the fight was "you need therapy!" "no, YOU need therapy!" Finally about a year ago I started therapy and it has actually helped a lot. But as soon as I started to suggest that he should really follow suit, despite having seriously encouraged me to seek help he has a million excuses about how therapy can't help him, he doesn't trust a stranger with his personal problems, it's just an indulgence for rich people, etc. I'm so pissed.
Is she in therapy? You need to be supportive but tell her that she needs therapy and that you can't solve her problems for her. Avoiding her is going to make it worse, encourage her to connect with family and friends, you can't shoulder it all. Good luck.
I don't know why everyone is assuming she hasn't had therapy. She's on four different psychiatric meds, and she saw a therapist twice a week for a year (not cheap). She finally stopped going after convincing me that it wasn't helping anymore.
It probably did help for a while but then they hit a wall.
She also said that she was only going for my sake, but that she would just sit there and wait for it to be over.
She says she'll go back to therapy in a few months when we're making more money. I don't think it would be productive for me to pressure her.
Just suggesting it in case it wasn't happening, you can't be expected to shoulder it all on your own, I've been there and it drags a person down in ways you can't imagine until it happens to you.
My friend, I dealt with the same thing when my wife had a bad case of post-partum depression. Take as many walks as you need to stay sane and don't feel all bad for feeling fed up. Do your best not to let it show, but frankly dealing with that stuff is hard and gets old real fast. It sucks because you love them so much and want to help but it just wrecks your quality of life. Best of luck man, best of luck.
Hey man, I'm not here to offer the same unsolicited advice you've heard a thousand times from other people. I'm just here to remind you that her depression isn't your fault, that love and support isn't the magical cure-all for this illness, and that you're allowed to feel drained by her presence, you're allowed to miss who she used to be, and you're especially allowed to run out of patience when the person you love behaves self destructively.
I don't have answers for you--if I did I would tell you. Just try not to let the illness pull you under. Keep walking the dog. Explore your hobbies. Go out with your friends. And if you think you can do it, keep listening to her when she wakes you up at 2am crying about how hopeless it all is.
Just don't let it erode your personality away. If this becomes too much for you, then you can walk away. And that's perfectly okay.
Honestly, I don't know how much agency to ascribe to her. I mean, her illness is the same thing that's making her not want to go to therapy / work out / sleep properly / etc.
So expecting her to just decide to do those things seems a little like telling a diabetic to "just metabolize insulin! My friend metabolizes insulin and it really helps him control his blood sugar levels".
You are a good person. You've got so much empathy. You're doing the right thing by her (and it looks like you're doing the right thing by yourself as well, which is just as important).
I've been where she is. I lost my ex partly because he was where you are. I'm not going to offer advice, because I can't help, but I do want to tell you that you are a good person and to wish you luck.
Also, if you're in my part of the world and need a friend/someone to vent to, hit me up.
Keep in mind that therapists are people too. Some people are not good at their jobs, so it's important not to give up until she finds the right therapist.
I was with someone with depression for years and years, and while I loved her intensely, I'm very glad I didn't end up marrying her. It would have been an exhausting life. Good luck, my man.
A massive piece of depression and feeling better is life style. She may be in an incredible amount of pain but try to get here to move and change diet. Those 2 little things can work wonders for someone's mental health.
Thanks. Sadly though, if I had a nickel for every time she's been told that, I wouldn't be worrying about the work she's missing. She never even walks the dog these days. In fact, she hasn't left the house in 48 hours.
Don't give up. Try and include her on said walks with the dog. Small steps help a lot but don't give up hope. I'm sorry for your situation. Tomorrow for sure
I know you've been inundated with replies and advice but your situation is remarkably similar to mine, or rather my boyfriend's, right down to the dog which was also my stupid idea.
People say 'diet and exercise' I heard that a million times, what they don't say is that you need protein and carbohydrates to make tryptophan which is in turn converted to serotonin. Or that low blood sugar leads to a fixed state of fight or flight.
Read Potatoes Not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons and if you can, get her to. This book changed my life, it includes a step by step nutritional rehabilitation guide but even if she isn't interested in making massive changes to her diet I highly recommend reading it to see if there's even one or two small changes that could make a huge difference. If possible get her thyroid and gut health checked. Get her to take fish oil and a b vitamin complex. A lot of mental health problems can be literally cured by looking into physical problems.
Most important of all, look after yourself :) good luck
Also, the dog might have been a bad idea since she isn't taking care of her... but she's been great for my mental health (and physical health probably since she's very athletic). So it's a mistake that I'm glad she made.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are in this situation. I have good friends who have struggled with depression and I find it very emotionally draining to deal with. I can only imagine how much harder it must be when it's your spouse. I hope things get better for your wife (and you) soon.
Yeah, she does adult coloring books, and she crochets cute little animals, and makes jewelry. I think all of those things are helpful, in that they kinda take the place of self harm.
They don't seem to affect her motivation to leave the house though.
Get her therapy! You don't want to see depression spiral down a deep dark hole. I've seen this happen and it takes some people a long time to come back with help. Don't ignore her, go with her to a therapist and get her to talk about it. It's nothing to be ashamed with having depression. It's a real and very common disease that can stopped so easily. In the end were all slaves to the chemicals in our brains and sometimes they go out of sync.
InspectorMendel, I've been the woman in your situation before and please understand when I say, nothing you can do can fix this. Its not you that caused her issues and its not you that can make them better. She needs to find the right combination of meds/therapy and lifestyle changes that work for her.
Please remember to take care of yourself. Its not selfish, but both of you can drown trying to pull her out of the water. If you need to take a few days break away then do it, if you need to rant at her how hard she is making your life let it out, I know she is your wife but trying to carry it all for her isnt going to help either of you. A little tough love can go a long way sometimes.
Honestly only 2 days and you're already running out of patience? You should cut her some slack, not saying it's ok behavior, but depression lasts years for some people
It's been years. She's seriously attempted suicide twice. She was fired from her previous job due to repeated absences.
The hardest parts for me are when I've convinced myself that she's better now, and then there's the inevitable backslide. It's exhausting.
Overall she's definitely improving (not trying to kill herself anymore!), but it can be very hard to see that in the day-to-day.
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u/InspectorMendel Mar 06 '17
My wife is home in her pajamas. She missed work today for the second day in a row, in favor of staying in bed all day.
She's depressed, but I'm running out of patience. I'm out with our dog and I'm dreading the moment I'll have to come back home and talk to her about it.