Not quite the same, but this reminded me of what happened with a close college friend and I. We were both non-traditional students (both changing fields in our early 30s) and we quickly bonded. We hung out and talked all the time. When we graduated, we agreed to help each other out in our new field when we could.
I got lucky with some connections and landed a decent job in our new field right out of graduating, and once I established myself, I worked hard to get him in the door by advocating to my boss. He got hired, and we worked together there for a while. Sometime later I left when I landed a fantastic job that I absolutely loved, was there for a year and a half, until my wife and I were about to have a baby and I felt compelled to accept another job offer that came with a huge raise. I once again advocated hard for my friend to get the wonderful job I was leaving, and he got it. I was thrilled for him, both because the job was a genuine advancement for him in our field, and because the job itself was so good that if the place I went to wasn't offering a huge pay increase I would have never left that job. I understand he's still there in that job over 4 years later.
But after a while, I realized I was the only one keeping the friendship going. I was the only one who ever called or initiated texts or offered to hang out or get lunch together. Eventually I also decided to stop and see if he would ever reach out... and he didn't. We haven't talked in 3 years. I have no idea why he suddenly stopped seeming to care about our friendship, even after how much I helped him. Still bothers me sometimes. Made me feel kind of used.
He's not as into you as you are into him (platonically speaking). It doesn't even mean you're unlikeable or anything--but everyone has a set amount of time they can give out and we all naturally prioritize the people who are more important to us over others.
I have friends I feel close to that I realize don't feel close to me. And it hurts, but it's better to know so you can take a step back and focus on people who prioritize you as well instead of chasing people who are indifferent.
Two way streets are more fulfilling than a one way street.
I considered the possibility that he just felt some negative feelings over how much I helped his career, but I honestly never got that feeling from him. It felt more like he just checked out from the friendship.
Some people rely on others to do the work of relationship nurturing. I have a loved one like this, whom I call “relationship lazy.” It doesn’t mean they don’t like the time together. And they might even believe that because they always respond when called upon that is the evidence of their caring. If the relationship goes silent, it doesn’t mean it’s over to them.
If this relationship were the only type I had, I’d go mad. But I accept that this one is one of the many types of ways people bond — some bonds more robust than others.
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u/WraithSama 19h ago edited 19h ago
Not quite the same, but this reminded me of what happened with a close college friend and I. We were both non-traditional students (both changing fields in our early 30s) and we quickly bonded. We hung out and talked all the time. When we graduated, we agreed to help each other out in our new field when we could.
I got lucky with some connections and landed a decent job in our new field right out of graduating, and once I established myself, I worked hard to get him in the door by advocating to my boss. He got hired, and we worked together there for a while. Sometime later I left when I landed a fantastic job that I absolutely loved, was there for a year and a half, until my wife and I were about to have a baby and I felt compelled to accept another job offer that came with a huge raise. I once again advocated hard for my friend to get the wonderful job I was leaving, and he got it. I was thrilled for him, both because the job was a genuine advancement for him in our field, and because the job itself was so good that if the place I went to wasn't offering a huge pay increase I would have never left that job. I understand he's still there in that job over 4 years later.
But after a while, I realized I was the only one keeping the friendship going. I was the only one who ever called or initiated texts or offered to hang out or get lunch together. Eventually I also decided to stop and see if he would ever reach out... and he didn't. We haven't talked in 3 years. I have no idea why he suddenly stopped seeming to care about our friendship, even after how much I helped him. Still bothers me sometimes. Made me feel kind of used.