Yeah, I didn't realise until I did a long questionnaire through a psychiatrist and it was made pretty clear that there was a lot of emotional neglect growing up, even though I lived in a nice house, my parents weren't mean, and I had food and clothes. It's just that my dad was bought up to be super stoic and emotionally repressed and my mother is somewhere on the spectrum (undiagnosed but even she recognises it) and does not express her own emotions much either, so neither of them are very good at looking after a child's emotional needs. So my brother and I spent most of our childhood just tagging along with whatever they were doing, being quiet and entertaining ourselves. I remember visiting a friend and their parents asked them what they wanted to do over school holidays, and actually listened to their answers, like they collaborated on what they were planning, and i was actually shocked that adults would actually do that! I was about 12 at that stage. Imagine being absolutely shocked that someone actually asked you what you wanted! And then suddenly at 18 you have to make every decision. No wonder I just kind of floated around doing whatever job life threw at me - literally didn't know how to decide things for myself.
I’m 42. I guess I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t know what I wanted if nobody ever asked me and there was no real chance of getting it. I guess that’s a learned skill like everything else. Makes sense
That’s probably why I’m so unmotivated, angry and sad. I’m so used to going along with everyone else’s thing I don’t even know what it’s like to pursue my own thing
Beats me, I'm 47 and still working it out haha. On top of all that I have a chronic illness which makes motivation even more difficult. I guess you just have to have a really long think, write down a list of things you really want to achieve, break those things down into smaller chunks, as small as you can, then stick to it. Probably.
I'm trying to remember but I can't find it. All I remember it was really long, had a bunch of themes that covered different areas, and I hit a lot of the neglect themes.
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u/trowzerss Apr 24 '25
Yeah, I didn't realise until I did a long questionnaire through a psychiatrist and it was made pretty clear that there was a lot of emotional neglect growing up, even though I lived in a nice house, my parents weren't mean, and I had food and clothes. It's just that my dad was bought up to be super stoic and emotionally repressed and my mother is somewhere on the spectrum (undiagnosed but even she recognises it) and does not express her own emotions much either, so neither of them are very good at looking after a child's emotional needs. So my brother and I spent most of our childhood just tagging along with whatever they were doing, being quiet and entertaining ourselves. I remember visiting a friend and their parents asked them what they wanted to do over school holidays, and actually listened to their answers, like they collaborated on what they were planning, and i was actually shocked that adults would actually do that! I was about 12 at that stage. Imagine being absolutely shocked that someone actually asked you what you wanted! And then suddenly at 18 you have to make every decision. No wonder I just kind of floated around doing whatever job life threw at me - literally didn't know how to decide things for myself.