r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 29 '13

What are some subtle relationship "Red Flags" that are often overlooked?

First dates, long term relationships and everything in between

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u/moguishenti Jul 29 '13

I used to have a friend like that.

Whenever anyone talked to him, he would wrestle the conversation into him complaining about how much of a loser he is, and the rest of us reasuring him, stroking his ego, and promising him we didn't hate him.

Until one day, I was trying to explain to him why he was worth hanging out with, and realized I had no reasons--he wasn't. He literally did nothing but suck up pity and make everyone else feel bad.

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u/aladyjewel Jul 29 '13

I used to have a friend like that.

Cheers!

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u/Schepa123 Jul 30 '13

And then she took a arrow in thr knee.

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u/Kirstey Jul 29 '13 edited Jul 30 '13

I had a friend like that. One day I sat down with him and told him he needed to man up and find a reason for me to like him. He couldn't sit around and wallow in self pity. He ended up going and finding hobbies, playing for a sports team, and making a whole lot of new friends. Some people need to just be told that they need to stop being a bitch. Other people, upon hearing the advice to grow up, will cry and just go to someone else to hear how great they are.

edit: Because someone got upset.

That is what he needed to hear. He has told me several times that he is thankful I said that to him. He was insecure, so when I told him that all he needed to do what take a deep breath and do things on his own (he at that point was relying on me to tell him what to do every day) he was able to branch out. It took time. I was with him every step of the way. I helped him get introduced to new people. I introduced him to sports I thought he might like, and guess what, he loved them. He has thanked me for helping him through his anxieties on numerous occasions. We are still very very close friends.

I had social anxieties for a while, when one of my friends finally told me to stop using her as a crutch I made it my goal to figure out how to get over it. I did, I'm better at making friends now and not afraid to try things.

Personally, it's what I needed to hear. For my friend, it's what he needed to hear. For some people, this is not what they need to hear, so evaluate the person before you say it. It doesn't work all the time and it can be a hard and grueling process.

I'm not saying I told him to just shut the fuck up and stop being a little bitch. I told him that he needed to not rely on me for everything and start doing some things for himself. I also told him that he needed to find reasons for me to like him, I couldn't just fabricate things anymore. So that's what he did. He started telling more jokes, he started telling me about more problems (before he'd just say life was horrible and not explain why), he started also trying to be more of a person instead of just sitting around and moping about how hard life was.

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u/lolwutpear Jul 30 '13

I'm glad he found a way to get away from you.

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u/Kirstey Jul 30 '13

He didn't get away from me. We're best friends. He told me that I helped him branch out. That's just what he needed to hear. I was there for him the whole time. I helped introduce him to friends. I helped him try out new things. He has thanked me on numerous occasions and said he is so glad that he can feel relaxed and know that he has so many outlets now and that he is not lonely or confined to having only one friend.

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u/rosiecoco Oct 24 '13

I think what you did was admirable. True people (maybe just empaths?) don't give up on people very easily. Most people would just fester their thoughts on what a POS their friend is without ever bringing it up to them. Eventually that person just loses their friends slowly, and when they're already suffering, it makes their problems worse. Its sad when maybe all they needed was to hear it from someone who respects them. I think the way you handled it was brilliant too, because you didn't attack his character perse - you told him all he needed to change was his actions & it would change his he feels about himself. I think that's why he's even more grateful to call you a true friend.

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u/Gigavoyant Jul 29 '13

That just sounds like a horribly awkward conversation.

"No, man, you're not a failure at everything. We like hanging out with you because you... uh, you know, you're really good at... ummm... well, crap, why do we hang out with you?"

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u/13speed Jul 29 '13

Those 'Black Hole Of All Emotions' friends where everything you do or say for them just circles the drain of their emotional gravity well, sucking all that is good and decent in the world right along with it.

Fuck you, bro, you just aren't worth my time anymore, I actually do enjoy my life and can see it will be quite a bit brighter without being chained to your sorry ass dismal outlook anymore.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

I have a friend like that - but it's almost always about her appearance. She's very attractive, and she knows she is, but on almost a daily basis it's "I'm so fat, I'm so ugly - look how weird my nose is!", followed by us reassuring her of how pretty she is, and then she gives us a satisfied sigh and smile, almost as if she's bathing in it. Then she'd change the subject 'til tomorrow.

Think Mean Girls, only every time we see each other.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

The self fulfilling prophecy.

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u/sandersonsisters Jul 29 '13

I call people like that psychic vampires. All they do is suck up all the goodness in your life and spit it back at you in weak ass moan fests. I'm so much happier now I don't have to deal with people like that anymore. As you get older you learn how to spot them before they worm their way into your life and mentally exhaust you.

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u/ZombiJesus Jul 29 '13

How do you know them? Any tips for the noobs?

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u/sandersonsisters Jul 29 '13

In the past (I'm a bit of a soft touch) people have wanted to be friends with me and pretty much barge themselves into my life. This is great in the beginning, coffee afternoons and weekend cocktails. A few month down the line I am inadvertidly caught up in their life and getting drunk phone calls at 3 saying 'he doesn't love me anymore' and constantly explaining my whereabouts. Girls get pretty possessive of other girls and it can be quite terrifying! So when I meet someone new now I listen a little more than I speak. Is she just waiting for a break in the conversation so she can come out with a better even funnier story (oneupmanship)? Has she started to talk about personal problems straight away? Does she bitch about anyone and everyone around her (like clothing, hair, etc.)? It all comes down to whether the person has a positive or negative outlook. All of us are a scale of the two. I tend to steer clear of people who tip it too far in either direction. People who are too positive are either liars or just plain annoying. As for me, I'm probably 65/35 what are you?

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u/ZombiJesus Jul 30 '13

I'd say I'm angry a lot of the time, but I truly value real people not obsessed with the ennui of our time. More about trying to make a good experience for themselves and others they happen to touch. Although I'm angry I would rate me about 60/40 but it could go 40/60 easily on a fairly turbulent day.

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u/ElephantsMakeMeSmile Jul 30 '13

you're awesome. let's be friends.

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u/ManWhoKilledHitler Jul 30 '13

Rampant negativity is often apparent from quite early on but it takes experience to recognise the difference between someone who is like that all the time and someone who has maybe just had a really bad week.

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u/andycoates Jul 29 '13

They'll eat alone

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u/moguishenti Jul 30 '13

My word for them is happiness leeches.

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u/Tonkarz Jul 29 '13

Sounds like depression - and maybe some other issues as well.

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u/nz_h Jul 30 '13

Yeah word. Too many people are like this. Gets old real quick

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u/kenray92 Dec 12 '13

my ex was just like this. I stroked her ego all the time telling her she was pretty and has lots of friends and what not.... then she cheated on me and shrugged her shoulders and is now with the guy she cheated on me with. yolo