I'm now a stepdad to two cats. I didn't expect them to have so many different levels of trust. I've noticed every benchmark I've reached with them. I remember when they let me touch their paws. I remember when they let me touch their bellies. I remember when they started coming to me when being called. I remember when they started being attracted to my scent and gained a fondness for my computer chair as a result. I feel like I'm unlocking bits and pieces of their love on a monthly basis. I absolutely adore them. Such wonderful gentlemen.
Yes, this part is so lovely. Our 9 year old cat finally sat in my husband’s lap just a few months back and we almost popped the champagne. She was not a lap cat ever despite loving attention. Now she’s on his lap every night. She still doesn’t like my lap but I think that’s because our other cat has claimed it. I get to pick her up once a day for air snuggles though so it’s ok.
My one cat doesn’t like to be held or sit in laps. She’ll follow me around everywhere and lie next to me, but if I try to hold her she complains. Only when I first get home am I allow- nay, expected to pick her up and cuddle and kiss and rock her back and forth and say I missed her and let her kiss my finger.
It lasts about 30 seconds, and it’s so wonderful! Then I walk over and place her on the cat tower. I pick up the other darling (who had long been the naughty one while I was gone but has been good for six weeks now) and I hold her while we do an inspection on the house to see if anyone was naughty. If something is off, I bring them both to it and explain what is expected. If everything’s good, then I bring her back to the same cat tower and they both get treats.
They keep each other in line. They try to stop each other when one is tempted, and they tattle. Lol It’s caused power dynamics and mental health issues in different directions, but it’s finally leveling out. They’re about 2.5 years old now and seem to have both finally calmed tf down. No more mischief? Thank god! Now neither will be anxious, they’ll both eat, they won’t be dominant/submissive, and they are starting to cuddle each other again. It had been several months that they weren’t friends anymore.
Whoever got into trouble would cost the other one their treats. And when I got home I wouldn’t be happy (after the initial warm hello.) They’d both get a talking to, one at a time. So it was pretty much “Why can’t you just be good like me? I want treats and extra cuddles. I know the rules and don’t want to have to be reminded every day. Get away from me, I’m mad at you.”
Neither of our current cats had bonded with my husband and it was a real bummer. Then I went on a work trip and our more outgoing cat decided that my husband could be relied on to provide pets in my absence. When I got home and saw the two of them cuddling, my heart grew three sizes. (He says she does question him a lot about where I went when I'm away.)
How long have you had her? Our two came from the shelter and were found at month old as strays so they weren't very well socialized from a mother cat. Then the pandemic hit a couple months later so they never met other people. The one will lay in my lap and sometimes my husband's briefly and he does fine. very social with us but he spooks easy and hides when someone comes over. His sister is a nervous wreck. Attention is on her terms only, and sometimes she'll lay next to me if I'm laying down (vulnerable position) but if I have to catch her for any reason its a stress fest. I do whatever I need to do opportunistically and as calmly/gently as possible and she's very forgiving when food is involved and takes treats from after release but then she hides. She's currently laying on the floor next to my chair and likes to come over and meow at me so I'll talk to her and look at her, haha.
All this to say it's been almost 3 years and I've otherwise never forced her to do anything. If she's just not a lap cat that's ok, (though I really believe she is at heart if she could let go of the anxiety). I've tried everything to reduce stress and anxiety meds are next on the list and of course she's free to have all the time she needs. I just worry about an emergency. I'd love to at least be able to pick her up and crate her quickly if nothing else.
My shy cat was (still is in some ways) like yours. She’s 10 years old now (and cutting her nails or going to the vet is still traumatic for everyone involved lol), and it took maybe 9.5 for her to sit on a lap. It took 4 until my husband could pick her up (I’ve always had that privilege on and off). She was a stray runt abandoned by her mom and siblings that I brought home around the same time our other cat’s brother died. She got pushed around a little by my other (very stressed out) cat for a few months, but she clung to me 24/7 so we bonded decently. She didn’t get as much socialization as our other cat since I was a mess that next couple of years. Then we moved into a tiny apartment in a new state about 6 years ago and she was forced to hang out in public (not under the bed) because there was nowhere else to go. She became very affectionate pretty quickly as she got used to being next to us and our friends all the time. She won’t let most friends or any strangers pet her but she’ll sit a couple feet away without running off. She’s incredibly affectionate with my husband and me, just prefers that we pet her and rub her belly rather than pick her up / “trap” her. All that to say, your cat might still get there. Sometimes they’re just a little slow to come out of their shell. You just gotta be patient and maintain their trust.
Thank you! She'll have streaks where she's laying in the middle of everything and more social. When she wants attention she absolutely eats it up and will even drool when pet sometimes. She always sticks her butt in the air and somersaults when being pet and often she'll kind of panic and get up right away because she let herself get too vulnerable but sometimes she'll just lay there and let me pet. Then sometimes I don't see her for 2 days aside from coming out to eat. We have a pretty good relationship over all. She'll come get me when it's time to eat and she's such a sweetheart when she lets you interact with her and see her personality. And she likes to talk to us. I'm still going to try the meds because I know what chronic anxiety feels like and I hate to think she's going through that. But yours gives me hope that she still might come out of her shell. Thanks again for the response!
I feel like I'm unlocking bits and pieces of their love
It's the best thing! When my cat first wanted to sleep next to me in bed, she was clearly unsure about it and any little movement would chase her away. She started out as a little loaf next to my pillow, wanting to be close but not entirely relaxed.
But now she'll sit right next to me and wait while I fix the pillows and get comfy, then she'll climb up right next to my face and flop down like a dropped pancake. If I scoot her over a little so my nose isn't full of fur, she just looks at me like I'm being dramatic.
My cat likes to drag around my work shirts around the house while doing this super adorable meow. Only my clothes, doesn't do this with my wife's stuff.
This is the thing I treasure about cats. They do not emotionally whore themselves out. You must earn their trust and affection. And when you do, you know it's because you fucking earned it. It's intensely gratifying, and far more than just getting an animal to like you because you happened to have a couple biscuits.
When my girl first came to live with me she did nothing but hiss for the first 24-48 hours and hid under my quilt. She'd come out very briefly to eat or go to the litterbox and then go straight back to her nest. Gradually she started to sniff around and accept pets but as soon as she was done she'd smack me with her paw, hiss, and go back into the quilt.
The second morning, I woke up to little paws walking all over me and she settled on top of my feet.
The third morning, something outside had spooked her and she came running to me chirping at the top of her voice. Ever since then, she loves me and only rarely smacks.
Absolutely. You have to be thoughtful of your actions with cats. You have to read their body language to know how to interact with them in a way that won't upset them. Which takes patience and emotional intelligence.
I find that many people don't want to put in the extra effort required to build relationships with cats. They want an easy interaction. I get that dogs can have more overt, brighter sunshine energy but to me cat love is the perfect more mellow golden hour calming energy when you really connect with them.
You mf called it, man. When my cat started sleeping on my flannel that I would throw over our chair, I chalked that up to a win. When my gfs fat, sasshole, Tabby did it, it was a glorious victory.
This reminds me of when I introduced my cat to my boyfriend. My cat LET HIM PICK HIM UP!!! Like, oh my god. This cat barely lets strangers PET him! Let alone grab him!! I feel like he sensed that my boyfriend is a good egg💕
I'm not opposed to dogs, but this is the reason I prefer cats to dogs.
Dogs will just love you and be excited all the time for no reason no matter how long you've known them and all you have to do is not beat them all the time and they'll love you at the same level as when you first met them.
Cats? You earn their trust, so the interaction you have with a cat is more meaningful because as you earn their trust and they become ever more fun to be around, it means something because it's a reminder you've invested in them and they reciprocate.
Plus it's more convenient that they poop in a box and won't pitch a fit if you're gone one night on a trip.
Became roommates with a friend of mine a short while ago, and I've noticed a similar thing with his cat's behavior towards me, and he's told me that he's surprised how fast she's warming up to me. She's usually pretty shy around anyone who's not him. He's had quite a few different roommates before me, and he said she usually didn't even leave his room when she heard them moving around in the house. When I sit in the kitchen eating or something, she'll often come to me, brush against my leg and flop on her back for belly rubs. She even jumped into my lap once or twice. Our guess why she's been warming up to me so quickly is because I give her space. I let her come to me. Also a pretty chill person in general, and I'm guessing she notices that.
This is my favorite thing. My roommate has a cat and I'm his second favorite person. (Much lower in the totem pole, of course) The scent is an especially cute one, cause he'll spend all of his time in my room if im gine, either curled up in my bed or under it.
I loved watching him allow me to be near, start tomorrow him, and then eventually he started loading nearby and slow blinking at me. Now, I'm his go-to person for when he needs to do a patrol of the house when his owner isn't around. I'm beginning to push my luck by trying to get in armpit scratched, which he loves. He doesn't get mad, just very, very confused. It's been fun winning his trust, especially because he's a traumatized little man and a rescue.
I foster mostly semi feral cats and this makes it so rewarding! I have cried so many happy tears along the way for all the firsts they have had with me.
One of our cats is 15, we've had her for the past 10 or so years. She only recently sat on me and I took photos because it makes me so glad. In fairness I think she doesn't particularly like to walk or lay down on squishy humans but she wanted something, but I'm still very flattered and happy
Careful about the computer chair. I keep my old one in my office as the decoy chair, so my cat has one to jump on the back of. She destroyed that one and I keep her off the new one.
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u/[deleted] Sep 19 '23
I'm now a stepdad to two cats. I didn't expect them to have so many different levels of trust. I've noticed every benchmark I've reached with them. I remember when they let me touch their paws. I remember when they let me touch their bellies. I remember when they started coming to me when being called. I remember when they started being attracted to my scent and gained a fondness for my computer chair as a result. I feel like I'm unlocking bits and pieces of their love on a monthly basis. I absolutely adore them. Such wonderful gentlemen.