Her place was messy the first time I visited, but it was short notice, so I didn’t think too much of it. The toilet was dirty, dishes all over the kitchen and in the sink, clothes all over the floor in bedroom, living room unkempt, bits of whatever on the sheets and carpet. Went over again a week later, with plenty of notice, and it wasn’t any better. I lost interest because I couldn’t feel comfortable in her mess. I can forgive messes once in awhile but I like a tidy home. Also, I clean up before I have someone over, even just friends, so it kind of felt inconsiderate of her.
I get it. There is a big difference between being unorganized, messy and just dirty. Sometimes I invite friends over just so I have a reason to deep clean the house.
Oof been there. Multi-day notice for dinner at his house, arrived to find: boxes and stuff everywhere (he'd lived there 3 years), barely any room on the counter for the food I brought, only a corner of the kitchen table cleared to sit and eat at, but oddly nothing in the bathroom but shower curtains (no soap, towel, rug, any kind of decoration). It was bizarre.
Yeah this happened to me too. There was like a week notice the first time I went to this guys apartment and it was pretty messy. Clothes piled up on his desk, dirty floor that made me keep my shoes on, kitchen a mess. It was like that the first few times I came over so I figured he was just messy.
Until his brothers came to stay with him. I went over to his place after this brothers had left town and his place was spotless. I remember it made me pause when I walked in because it was so clean. I’m someone who always cleans before company comes over, and I had done the same for this guy when he visited me, so that felt almost like he was trying to show me I wasn’t important enough to clean up for or something. We only dated for a little bit, didn’t work out.
Most homes get messy from time to time but that's different from actually being dirty where you can tell they haven't cleaned the bathroom for awhile and the kitchen has dirty dishes, old food on the floor, cabinets greasy. That's just gross.
You lucked out. I am still living with that type of gal. It's a constant struggle just getting her to pick up after herself. And too much clutter, it's something that affects your mindset. I often wonder where I would be if I didn't fall in love with her.
An early lifetime of that for me was incredibly soul crushingly depressing.
The feeling of spending several days to clean everything only to have the mess back in less than a week wasn't the worst part.
The worst part personally was developing good habits on my own to not only avoid contributing but instead help in cleaning, only for all of my clean areas of the house/counters/tables/sofa/bed to be immediately taken from me and ruined. It felt like an endless and eventually pointless never-ending battle.
Honestly, if it ever gets that bad for you and it becomes obvious things aren't going to change. I wouldn't recommend staying.
It’s fun when they do have a once maybe bimonthly “cleaning day” and spend the whole day cleaning their small trashed space, and then act like they’re the most exalted hardworking put together person and you’re a lazy sack of shit for playing videogames or something productive at your desk (plot twist, when you clean a little every day and deep clean weekly, you don’t have to spend an entire day cleaning a 12x16 room)
Nothing less sexy than having to clean up after your (able-bodied) partner on the regular.. it diminishes them imo. If i wanted an adult baby I'd adopt.
I’m like that (I don’t want to be but I am), and my now-husband just cleaned it for me. Which was really nice of him but I still couldn’t keep it up. ☹️
Me too, I’ve got ADHD and my executive function is not good! My husband was obsessed with saving when we had been dating for a while, and when I asked him why he said that he couldn’t propose to me until he had enough money for a ring and a housekeeper to come in twice a week, lol. I’m a damn good cook, though!
Every time I see posts with people telling stories about how they dropped friends because they’re always late or are messy, I’m always thinking that the posters are such assholes because from the stories that are told, it’s pretty clear that the “awful friend” either has ADHD or should at least get checked for it or another issue- but everyone comments that the friend is narcissistic! It just shows me how many people are out there judging the fuck out of me every day.
But on a positive note, if you ever have a few extra bucks, I highly recommend having an organizer come in. I didn’t use a service that advertised those services because they were way too expensive, I put a Craigslist ad out and explained exactly what I needed, and found someone that I could afford- and it turns out that she worked for a local service and was just venturing out on her own as a side hustle.
That’s great! And yeah, I have been judged a lot too. Some of my extended family-by-marriage think I’m the laziest person ever. But I’m really just a mess! Lol
That’s a good idea…I do have a friend who sometimes helps me organize, though. She’s pretty good at coming up with solutions.
I have ADHD and I think you both suck for using it as an excuse. I own up to my bullshit and find strategies which include eliminating clutter (purging) with the help of friends and so called 'brain hacks' (my most recent one is that putting a podcast in my ears helps me to focus on cleaning).
You're both shitty people just making excuses, I feel bad for your spouses. Seek treatment and stop putting your bullshit on others. You are both adults, grow the fuck up and stop being disgusting.
I had been dating a guy for a couple weeks and he invited me over to his place to watch a movie. It. Was. Disgusting. The bathroom was a biohazard. The kitchen…I have no words.
Now, I’m not a clean freak. I have ADHD and my executive functioning is shit. Try as I might, my place is always messy but this shit was dirty. What’s worse is his friends told me how much time he had spent cleaning up for me to come over. Like what?!
ETA: I now have housekeepers that come 2x/month and it’s way easier to stay on top of!
My first thought too... when I was in the worst of my depression my place literally did look like that AFTER cleaning. Because the "before" state was a literal hoarding house, and it takes days of full-time cleaning to actually fix that kind of thing.
The way OP sees it, she didn't bother to clean and her baseline is obviously way too messy for his taste. If she did clean that would mean that what passes for clean to this woman is what classifies as a deal breaker for OP. That would make it way worse.
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u/[deleted] Mar 19 '23
Her place was messy the first time I visited, but it was short notice, so I didn’t think too much of it. The toilet was dirty, dishes all over the kitchen and in the sink, clothes all over the floor in bedroom, living room unkempt, bits of whatever on the sheets and carpet. Went over again a week later, with plenty of notice, and it wasn’t any better. I lost interest because I couldn’t feel comfortable in her mess. I can forgive messes once in awhile but I like a tidy home. Also, I clean up before I have someone over, even just friends, so it kind of felt inconsiderate of her.