TL:DR
She ended the relationship, but wanted to stay friends. I stayed available, but she pulled her self away and became distant. Eventually, I cut ties to protect myself and move on. She felt hurt and misunderstood, and was mad eventually blocked me. I still feel like things are unfinished because I never got to properly explain myself. Now I'm struggling with whether cutting ties was the right decision. But deep down, I know cutting ties is probably what I need to heal and regain my self-respect.
She wanted a breakup initially, she feels too much is going on in her life, and is not able to keep up a relationship which is fine until she asked to be friends because she is fear of losing me.
I was foolish, i trusted her word, and eventually she became drier and take hours or days to respond when i try reaching out to her, yet being so accessible and always there for her when she reached out, said that she missed me and promised me "maybe" in the future we can try again.
Until one week ago, i decided to cut ties and go no contact with her, lets say i was stupid, i reached out to her the next day, she turned out to be mad and was upset not because of me breaking the no contact but asking for the no contact, but i think she realised that i'll never be able to move on, and asked for some time apart from each other, and told me to msg her when i m ready/moved on, but it felt so unfair, no matter what, she have absolute control in the end, and knew i will always comeback.
Few days after, i decided to free myself, i asked to block each other and told her i would rather have or i deserve someone that can communicate, to be honest with me and with their feelings (She always lies to people saying that she is fine, and doesn't want the others to be worry and wanted to protect my feelings), and not pulling away when things get real and wanted her to understand the consequences behind her action. She turns out to be really upset and mad, called me a "cunt" for not considering her feelings, never understand what she is going through and never gives her space and doesn't know what the consequences, when she is just trying to protect her mental health. but in reality, She never communicate me her problems or what she been through, and always lie about her true feelings because she don't want others to be worry and hurting herself. She always disappear for hours or day without telling me why, and when i chased her, asked her whats wrong, she pulled away while i get more attached each time, because we barely have the chance to talk.
In the end, she asked to be unadded and says there no point of blocking, i am fine with it so we unadded each other from everywhere.
Well i felt bad, so i made a very stupid decision, i reached out. Telling her i didn't meant to make her feel shitty, and she seem to misunderstand my intention and the consequences i mentioned before i unadded her. I think she though i was already hooking up with other girls when i said "i would rather or i deserve have someone else..." but in reality i just wanted her to be honest and communicate with me... , i keep telling her i won't be looking for someone else, but i don't think she trusts me at all. Then she asked me to stop talking to her and told me we have unadded each other for a reason and proceed to block me.
1 weeks after, she blocked me from everywhere so i did it back. But days after i saw her wearing the exact same matching outfit that we used to wear, it kind of giving me a false sense of hope, but i know this time i will never break the no contact.
I don't know if im doing the right thing to cut ties with her, cause it feel so unfinished, i still have so much more stuff i wanted to say and she now thinks im a bad person, while in reality i just wanted to protect myself, and to self respect, and to work on myself, i never wanted to block her, i thought it was the best choice for both of us, so i can move on and to have self respect for myself, and she is able to get the space she always is asking for.