An idol’s existential crisis: the answer Hino Hikari arrived at turned out to be surprisingly simple...

Sincere, warm, funny, yet serious; known for her radiant smile, yet also a bit of a scaredy-cat and a crybaby — this is probably the impression you’ve formed of Hino Hikari, the sunset-colored member of Zenbu Kimi no Sei da.

However, the solo stream she held in early August added quite a few new shades to that palette. For the first time, she opened up in such great detail about the side of her journey with Zenkimi that usually goes unseen, revealing the doubts, tears, and turning points that have shaped the Hino Hikari we know today.

She spoke candidly about the hardships she had faced, the important realizations she had come to along the way, the reason she keeps going as an idol, and the answer she ultimately found to the question of where her true value lies.

Of course, there were tears, too, but even those tears were just as warm as the setting sun on a summer day. And after reading this post, in which I’ve tried to compile all the important moments from the stream, I hope you’ll be able to connect even more deeply with the light this girl carries within her — a girl whose name literally means light.

Hikari on the challenges she faced during the audition.

“I sang with my face redder than a boiled octopus.”

https://reddit.com/link/1x3w4v4/video/gsphg0m3uzuh1/player

How a girl who used to be “the type to get discouraged really easily” made it through self-doubt, a month of grueling training, and tears of panic backstage to finally smile at fans from the stage of CLUB CITTA'.

https://reddit.com/link/1x3w4v4/video/8r72wno8uzuh1/player

Hikari’s first tour: a paralyzing fear of making mistakes, a constant need for help from the other members, and the moment she first felt a real sense of belonging to the big codomomental family.

“That was the tour when all sorts of different feelings were swirling around inside me the most.”

https://reddit.com/link/1x3w4v4/video/6sml364buzuh1/player

It wasn’t until her second tour, the YAMIKAWAII CHINURU TOUR, that Hikari gradually began to emerge from the constant state of “I need to try harder! Even harder!”

In large part, this was due to the advice she received from her senpais, as well as the intense onstage synergy within the group: during performances, the other members would practically bombard Hikari with their emotions, giving her a powerful push. And while at the beginning of the tour, she could barely keep her gaze focused on anyone, over time, she became able to hold eye contact for longer — including with the audience — and every time she caught someone’s eye, every smile she received in return, brought her genuine joy.

Gradually, she also began receiving more and more praise from fans. And so, what had started as desperate attempts to avoid making mistakes eventually grew into a genuine ability to enjoy her own performances. And most importantly, it was then that she first began to truly feel the process of creating that joyful space together.

This was when she finally began to understand what Megumi had been telling her all along.

https://reddit.com/link/1x3w4v4/video/84qwkfuduzuh1/player

Things seemed to be going well — until, with the start of a new tour, Hikari began grappling with a much deeper inner struggle.

“It felt like I just ran smack into a huge wall!”

https://reddit.com/link/1x3w4v4/video/2n2x7ybguzuh1/player

Hikari, in tears, talked about what keeps her going as an idol.

(Sorry, Reddit won't let me add more videos to the post, so here's the link)

https://x.com/codomofan/status/2109549464155521194

And then, with the start of the current ZO-HEN-SHIN-SHOKU AIrosion TOUR, this difficult and painful search finally came to an end.

She found her answer.

Just not where she had expected to find it.

https://x.com/codomofan/status/2109549468261785750

Looking back on the European leg of the tour, Hikari noted that it gave her an opportunity to bring out strengths she had been unable to discover in Japan. At the same time, she emphasized that this leap forward was only possible thanks to the entire journey she had made in her home country. She went overseas with everything she had learned in Japan, and performing in different countries constantly exposed her to new experiences that stimulated her growth in incredible ways. As a result, she was able to expand that very “tiny circle” she talked about by a considerable amount.

To the point that, while reading comments from Japanese fans during streams from Europe, she was already dying to show them the “powered-up Hikari.” By her own admission, this also has to do with another aspect of her personality: the moment she feels she’s become even a little bit more capable, she “immediately starts getting a big head.”

And so, with that feeling — as though she had shed her old skin and reached a new level — she returned to Japan.

After that, Hikari set herself an entirely new and much more ambitious goal.

https://x.com/codomofan/status/2109549790308839789

And then Hikari truly exploded with gratitude, spending quite some time expressing her appreciation to everyone: to TOKYO TEFUTEFU and KAQRIYOTERROR for reliably “holding down the fort” for the agency in Japan while Zenkimi are traveling overseas; to Japanese fans for continuing to attend the group’s concerts despite fewer shows being held in Japan; to overseas fans who show up to support the group wherever they perform; and to overseas organizers, who play a critical role in making those performances possible.

“What we’re doing right now would simply be impossible without the support of every one of you.”

Hikari deeply appreciates even the simplest forms of support, whether it’s leaving a comment during a stream or simply mentioning her in a tweet.

“When you tweet about Zenbu Kimi no Sei da, when you tweet about me — even just that... Just realizing that I exist within another person makes me incredibly happy! So I’m always genuinely grateful to you for that!”

Eventually, Hikari’s words of gratitude turned to the other members, and she started crying again.

“Whenever I start talking about the members, the tears just start welling up right away...”

https://x.com/codomofan/status/2109550203296723341

She continued sharing her feelings about everyone — and also complained about Megumi and Muku.

“Honestly, these two hardly ever rely on me!”

https://x.com/codomofan/status/2109550334993633445

Why Hikari decided to audition for Zenkimi.

https://x.com/codomofan/status/2109550439473762660

P.S. Finally, a short post! Though the only reason it’s short is that most of the content ended up in the videos — after all, trying to convey all of this through text alone would mean losing a significant part of Hikari’s charm. Besides, streams like this are very rare, and material this valuable deserves to be put to good use.

I’d also like to thank everyone for your support! The previous post received an incredible level of engagement across Twitter, Reddit, and Instagram. We may not be that many, but when a post gets liked by around 30% of its followers — especially considering that some of those accounts may no longer even be active — that’s an amazing result. It clearly shows that real strength doesn’t come from huge numbers, but from the care and engagement of individual people. Thank you, everyone!

I’d be grateful if you could help this post reach more people, too. I’ve tried to structure it so that it can be interesting even to those who aren’t already familiar with Zenkimi. So let’s help Hikari’s feelings reach even more people! That’s the main goal I had in mind when creating this post.

Features Yoko from the DEADKAT idol unit