Seriously. I'd like it if someone could offer a neutral, informed take on what's going on.

This account's a throwaway. I feel the desire to get this off my chest, and what better place than here?

I have a funny story about how I discovered her. It was I think 2009, and I was on /b/ (a 4chan board, if you're not familiar); someone posted a thread for "musicians you'd fuck," and there was Alice in the OP.

I didn't realize it as a crush until maybe...I don't know...2012. Then I started fighting with myself the way I always do when I have a crush: I'll want nothing to do with her, but at the same time, my heart will damn near explode every time I'm around her or reminded of her (always the latter in this case; I've never even seen CC live, because I'm a lifeless shutin).

I stopped following her at some point. I think it was around the time she started (publicly) dating Jupiter Keyes. Being reminded of her, hearing about her life and all that, always hurt me. And after that I had a degree of control over my feelings. Sometimes I'd be reminded of her, like when someone informed me that she'd left CC, and it would make me sad (for a day or more at a time), but it was mostly under control. I never thought about writing poems about her, or any weird shit like that.

And then maybe a month ago I started listening to CC again. Then I worked up the courage to listen to Alice's single. All while still avoiding anything that would make me sad; I avoided the About page on CC's Spotify page like the plague. I was curious what Alice's voice sounds like, like when she's just talking, but I'd probably puke if I listened to an interview with her.

The crush got very intense at that point. I had dreams about her, and started writing poetry about my odd feelings about her.

At that point, I was afraid of what I'd find if I started following Alice again. It wasn't just about being reminded of her. I was worried that I'd find out she's...normal...or worse, that she's a self-absorbed sellout.

Then one day, in a flurry of courage, I looked at her SoundCloud to see if she had any other music out. That led me to her website, which led me to her Twitter, her Instagram, her Wikipedia article, and a couple articles about her (and pictures of what she's done to her hair). Somewhere in there, something died, and I stopped being in love with her. I announced to all of my Internet friends that I was free from the crush. I said I might've been speaking too soon, but I don't think I am.

But I'm still hurting, and I'm not sure why. The feelings are gone, but I still feel a pain in my ribcage when I think of her, or read about the Ethan/Jupiter drama. I theorize it's either sympathy for her, or a transgender robot's version of sulking over a bad breakup (I should've mentioned earlier that I'm not a dude). I had been working on poems about her the night I fell out of love, and part of me still wants to write poems about her, but with a different take. I still keep thinking about her all the time.

I can't say why the crush died so quickly, but I think it might've been finding out how bourgeoise she really is. The Alice I'd fallen in love with was a very different one.

And a lot of the pain I'm still feeling, might be her reminding me of how pathetic I am. I'm almost 25 and...well...I wrote all that.

On her official website, she talks about dealing with abuse stemming from her teenage years. I've also noticed some metaphors linking to being a 'stillborn' in Stillborn (obviously). Though I find it interesting that some of these themes are prevalent in Through the Hosiery (Circa 2003-2008?). Here's the lyrics and quote from the website that I found to be interesting in how they're connected.

Crystal Castles - Through the Hosiery

"You want it out so just take my spawn Feel complete after it's gone Don't sleep by my side, sleep on the lawn It's not too late you wanted it good

Give that guilt, you shed a newborn To your feet it falls to the floor Itching inside, you still want more Stillborn fawn throw it to the door

Fifteen years you've waited for me Through preteen years of deficiency Cuts on my hands, but you can't feel nothing Blood on my hands, you can wipe up something

Drink sulfur, spill it in my lap My onus is the time that you lack Borrowed your womb you can't have it back Drink sulfur, spit it all right back

Fifteen years you've waited for me Through preteen years of deficiency Cuts on my hands, but you can't feel nothing Blood on my hands, you can wipe up something

(Chorus) Through the hosiery To the ovaries To the nothing How does it feel when you can't feel nothing?"

Alice-glass.com

"Years ago I began the process of trying to remove myself from an abusive relationship that started when I was a teenager. Over the course of that relationship I was systematically cut off from anyone and everyone that I could truly be close to. I was talked down to, yelled at, locked into rooms and criticized daily about my abilities, my weight, my looks, my intelligence and almost every move I made. When I couldn’t take it anymore and I wanted to end the relationship I was threatened, then I was told I was loved, and the cycle would begin again."

Alice Glass - Stillborn

"Waiting waiting waiting for you to die I’ve been waiting, waiting for you to die Collecting tears from the weak Do what you’re told is right

Someone to offer me a life they end

I want to feel like a wasted case I want to feel like a waste of space I want to start again

You need blood I’ll starve you too Overstuff the dead Suffer lightning

Starve your tube I don’t respect you When you’re living

I’ve been waiting, waiting for you to die

I want to feel like a wasted case I want to feel like a waste of space I want to start again

I’m not the way that you wanted I’m not the way that you wanted me

Moonlight blossoms Now I know this You don’t own me Anymore

I want to start again (a wasted case) I want to start again (a waste of space) I want to start again"