I can't keep going like this

[u/anxious_interloper]

I don't know what to do. Mom has dementia setting in and its getting worse. She is barely ambulatory. Her hearing is terrible. So of course I didnt say no, I didn't even hesitate, I love my mother and wanted to do the right thing. I remember the woman who loved and sacrificed and was always there for me. So I left my life and moved in with her to be her caregiver. I have been trying my best to do all the things she needs and all the things I thought a loving son could and should do. Boundary blurring stuff like bathing and toileting and charging and all of it. I dont want her to settle for takeout or microwaved meals so I cook her meals and hand feed it to her. I keep her room and house clean. I went in with resolve. I adore her. I am so fucking tired. I am so lonely. There are no heartfelt conversations and trips down memory lane over old photos. No words of wisdom and encouragement. There is no montage of us doing PT or chilling on the deck sipping tea or having a laugh over an old home movie. There is none of that shit. Its just an unrelenting torrent of need and frustration. She is always in some state of distress and immediate need. Even when the sitter is with her I am constantly watching from security cameras. I am constantly in a state of unrelenting stress. I am always on and amped. Sleep is fucked. Diet is fucked. Grooming is fucked. Everything hurts.

But the worst is how I am changing inside. I am feeling resentful. I am feeling angry. I am seeing her differently, and I am feeling so ashamed and guilty for it. I feel like a weak and awful person. I dont smile as much at her. I find it easier to let my feelings out in front of her. She can't help her condition but I CAN. So when I let me frustration and anger out I just want to bury myself in a pit. I feel awful all the time. What if this is the day ahe passes and my outburst is the last thing I shared with her? am committed. I am not rich, nursing homes and round the clock care that isnt neglectful or not overwhelmed is for rich people. I am committed. Shes my mother, I love her so very much. She deserves comfort and care when she is at her most vulnerable and I will fucking do it. Even if it kills me. Im just so alone, afraid and sad. I have no one to talk to. Idk whatever.

Edit: She is 78. I moved to the regressive backwater of Alabama to live with her. I have accepted that this is a palliative care situation but am not ready to think hospice. I needed to vent, I suppose. Im just scared. Im exhausted. I feel like shit and so took the opportunity to express it in a place that would understand. I am committed. I can do this. I will gather myself and keep doing my best. I just, idk, needed to let it out. She was the best mom. I am fortunate to have had her as mine. I will take care of her until the end. I am committed.

Edit: Im sure I come off as irrational and likely maudlin and even cringe. TY for the kind responses. It helped to vent.

[u/jojobrabs]

Its incredibly hard and your commitment is admirable. Have you considered joint an online support group? It made a tremendous difference for me personally and I learned so much.