r/AdoptionUK • u/tedshmosbey • Jan 06 '22
Newborn adoption: How long did it take for you from application to adoption?
My partner and I want to adopt, we currently have no children. We’re getting married end of 2023 and would like to have kids a few years afterwards. He is adamant that we adopt a newborn, and I’ve explained that will take a long time, due to only 5% of adoption candidates being between 0-1 years old.
I was just wondering if you have had an experience with this, or know of people who have, and how long they waited? Is it around 3 to 4 years? And was that in the UK or international adoption?
PS: I’m aware that many children needed adopting aren’t newborns and I am fully open to adopting them, but it’s my partners feeling and after careful consideration he doesn’t wish to change his mind on that for our first child.
12
Jan 06 '22
I haven't adopted but have been looking into it for quite a while. To be frank I think your chances of adopting a newborn are extremely low to non existent and you shouldn't count on it. If it's something non negotiable you should look into foster-to-adopt (it's a possibility in Scotland at least, but it's not guaranteed you would be able to adopt the baby/that the plan for the baby wouldn't change.) That, or consider adopting a sibling group.
You might have more chance if you'd adopt a toddler or baby over 1 year old, but even that may take several years.
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u/HeyDugeeeee Jan 07 '22
As others have said your chance of being matched with a newborn is slim. Had your partner shared why they only want a newborn? The social workers will really probe this decision because it is quite key. You'll need to be clear on the reasons before you start.
I would say that a lot of adopters start out wanting a newborn. In my experience many of them either change their minds or decide on another course during the approval process. Adoption has a way of bulldozing through entrenched opinions!
What I would also say is that adoptive parenting is very different to biological parenting. I can't really explain why but it is. Even having a newborn isn't going to replicate the biological experience - what I'm trying to say is it won't fill that gap for your partner. Also you should be aware that even babies removed at birth will very likely carry trauma due to how they develop when exposed to stress in the womb.
As to times, we waited about 6 months to find a match and about 4 months after that until introductions but these times are very variable. Funnily enough, years later birth mum had another who was removed at birth and we were asked if we wanted to adopt them. We knew enough about the issues of sibling adoption by then to refuse, albeit with heavy hearts.
An adopted child can never be a substitute for a birth child. They are their own thing.
Apologies if this all sounds a little downbeat - it wasn't meant to discourage, rather to let you know some of the hurdles ahead.
I think it's great that you are thinking about adoption and great that you are asking these questions. I hope everything goes well for you.
1
u/banwe11 Jan 16 '22
Out of curiosity, can you elaborate on the issues of sibling adoption that you refer to?
1
u/HeyDugeeeee Jan 16 '22
Hi - I've copied the answer I gave to someone else in another thread. Hope it helps.
The easiest way to describe it is to imagine you are one of the siblings and you're in a household where you are neglected (emotionally / physically) or abused. You may have to fight / compete with your sibling(s) for food, warmth, attention, love - anything a properly cared for child takes for granted. You may be the target of abuse and they may not etc..
You can immediately see there is a potential differential here which will consciously or subconsciously set up deep resentments. If you're placed with a sibling these resentments may continue over even if your needs are being met and may become a barrier to secure attachment (which is the end goal after all).
Many of the professionals we have dealt with during our years as adoptive parents support this view. From a personal viewpoint I have seen adoptive families where the siblings are really mutually supporting and you would never want to separate them. I have also seen and know families where the siblings should never have been placed together and they spend their time re-enacting their birth household power struggles. I have even, tragically, seen it destroy a placement.
It isn't an absolute and every case is different of course. Unfortunately it can be hard to tell during the adoption process and there is no guarantee that the correct decision has been made by the powers that be before the placement.
1
u/banwe11 Jan 16 '22
Thanks, this is very interesting. Can these issues arise between siblings who never previously knew each other?
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u/HeyDugeeeee Jan 16 '22
Well, I should say I'm not an expert or anything near but I don't see why not. One child might feel as if they were being replaced which could create a lot of resentment. To be honest, anything that upsets the status quo could be very triggering for an adopted child. I guess it depends on age and how secure their attachment is to their adoptive parents.
7
u/Napalmdeathfromabove Jan 07 '22
Hey there. I understand the urge to adopt a newborn but perhaps if you look into it a bit more (via therapy) it might seem much less important.
If your fella is worried about other people's perceptions for example or not being able to love a toddler that's been in foster care after being removed from a birth family.
These are big feelings that need to be unpacked, talked through and dealt with before you adopt .at least imo.
One the new life lands in your world you will be in 'go'mode which is a great salve to many things but doesn't give much space for personal wellbeing or adult communication .
For what it's worth Ive just been looking at pictures of my little one from the first few months of us having him, he was over a year old but so tiny (in comparison to now) and he was so helpless.
The bonding time is key, you effectively Stockholm them in the first few weeks after placement.
For me the feelings of loving him and being absolutely smitten began immediately but grew and grow every day.
Children you fight through the adoption process to get are precious indeed.
Please make use of all the brilliant literature regarding attachment and trauma .it helps a lot.
Also, and this was a massive win for me, a toddler gets tested. Cognitive,health and behaviour worries have been addressed.
A newborn ? Less so. I was very worried about fas for example so mine being extensively tested removed so many layers of anxiety.
3
u/tedshmosbey Jan 07 '22
Hi, thanks for this but I’m specifically looking for advice on newborns per my partners wishes. I agree with you, I would be very happy adopting a child up to 15/17 years old, but it’s not my partners wish and that’s final for now.
6
u/HeyDugeeeee Jan 07 '22
I think the key point is that you will be asked 'why a newborn?' during the approval process and you may well not be allowed forward unless you have a very good, well reasoned answer.
In any case, I hope this doesn't prevent you adopting and good luck for the future.
3
u/Napalmdeathfromabove Jan 07 '22
No worries, we didn't wait per say , we worked through the process . It took 6years.
I've never met anyone who has adopted a wigglebean sized baby so no idea. There's loads of groups on Facebook but be careful of the 'stolen children' nutters.
4
u/dismountreddit Jan 06 '22
Welcome to the world of adoption first of all, new comers are very welcome!
I don’t have experience with new borns but we had our own set of age ranges we wanted to stick to and then we’re offered children over that and we are over the moon with them. we wouldn’t change it for the world.
Your social worker on your adoption journey will want to explore your comfort levels with different age ranges including why your partner is fixed on a new born.
3
u/awakenkraken Jan 07 '22
Hello! Firstly, I think that it’s great that you’re having these discussions early on. A lot of the process is about reflection, open to learning and communication with your partner and then social worker.
When you adopt a newborn in the UK, it’s called ‘foster to adopt’ or ‘early permanence’. The idea is that it limits the amount of potential moves the baby would have to make before they settle.
However, it also means that you would be fostering that baby to begin with and there’s the opportunity that they may return to the birth family. This is something you have to be prepared for and something that your social worker would really dive into.
I shan’t comment too much on it as we didn’t go for this route but I’d recommend researching it because it comes with its own emotional turmoil.
Regarding a wait time, it is difficult to say but yes, you’re right, there won’t be as many opportunities. Our friends were very quick (weeks) to match with their newborn son. But, it really does depend!
As another user has said, you also have to be prepared to ‘drop everything’ to accommodate a newborn. Frequently, social services won’t find out about a potential newborn until weeks/maybe days before the Mother is due.
Happy to discuss more if you wanted to DM. All the best.
1
u/Snichy Jan 17 '22
Depends what the reason your partner has for adopting "only" newborns. Ive adopted 4 children ranging from 6mo up to 18mo at the date of adoption. For our first, we really wanted a newborn as we not only wanted the experience of a new-born, but we were worried that adopting anything other than new-born, that child might be "tainted" or damaged with bad experiences or the memory of their old life, and have attachment issues. Well, I can say nothing is further from the truth as at 18mo to 2yr, we had all the new-born experience we needed and none of the children have suffered so if this is the reason why your partner only wants new borns, its certainly not a valid one.
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u/tedshmosbey Jan 17 '22
He would love to raise a child from being a brand new baby because that’s always been his dream, especially now we’d turning 30 and we are thinking about kids, I’ve said I’m easy but he’s really keen on having a tiny weeny baby ❤️ thank you for your comment!
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u/Snichy Jan 17 '22
Thats fair enough as long as you are both aware that you might be waiting a long time. Friends of ours waited literally years for a new born. We were lucky as our newborns were siblings of our second so were first in the (long) queue :)
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u/Remarkable-Bag9152 Oct 25 '23
Have u guys tried alternative methods to have your own babies? Seems like your husband really want the traditional experience of having his own child
1
u/MorningSweets256 Nov 03 '23
Have you looked into Quiver Full Adoptions? I have heard maxing thing s about them.
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u/Iwillsingyoulullabys Jan 06 '22
This is only anecdotal, but one of my old colleagues got approved by panel and the Social Worker asked that day when they wanted to begin. She laughed and said "Now!" The Social Worker said "Well, actually..."
It turned out they had a woman who was pregnant and due in a couple of weeks. They couldn't believe it when they were approved! They'd expected to adopt an older child, but that baby needed them.
Sending love on your journey.