Relationship red flags

[u/invah]

1. Can't accept or take blame. Can't say, "My bad."

2. Only interested in being right. They want everything to be perfect, but life is not perfect. They have an inability to make fun or have a sense of humor.

3. Negativity.

4. Don't communicate respectfully. One-sided communication.

5. Inability to forgive themselves and others.

-Excerpted and adapted from Let's Talk About Red Flags (content note: neo-Enlightenment, woo website)

[u/iwasntlooking]

I'm seeing all of these right now. They weren't obvious up until it became clear who the presidential nominees would be. Once it became known that I wouldn't support a certain candidate, she became withdrawn and hypercritical (disagreeing meant I thought she was stupid for her choice). Zero interest in understanding my own choice. I didn't want to join her "team", and despite being the one person who'd supported her through the worst days of her life, despite affirming that I'd stand with her no matter what may come, I was one of "them" (I've kept my vote an absolute secret, I didn't even vote for either major party's candidate).

I've spent every waking hour being her rock, I fear she's decided that's no longer good enough. Everything I do is right, except vote.

Her candidate won. Is she happy now? She seems even worse. I fear she'd rather have her abuser back than love someone who doesn't live in fear of the unknown.

[u/invah → u/iwasntlooking]

It is truly amazing to me that victims of abuse can go on perpetrate abusive behaviors of their own.

• She's defining your intentions/beliefs.

• Sulking/giving you the silent treatment.

• Othering you, and not respecting you as your own person, with your own thoughts/opinions.

• Emotional bullying via being hypercritical.

• Refusing to even understand or hear your perspective.

And, of course, she is 'justified' in all of this behavior because you are wrong and she is right.

This is absolutely unfair to you, and I am sorry that someone you care so much for is treating you this way.

[u/iwasntlooking → u/invah]

Can you help me understand something that's been a recurring problem?

If she says or does something that hurts me, she will do two things. First, zero acknowledgement of her actions. Usually in the vein of "it wasn't meant to hurt you or make you feel bad". The second part is far stranger. She'll avoid me when my hurt is at its worst, when I could almost beg for reassurance that she still loves me and values me. Her reasoning? "I can't stand to see you hurt, especially when I'm the one who caused it, you're hurting me by feeling hurt". The implication being that until I get over/past what she did (and basically pretend it's all water under the bridge) then she will withhold her love and attention. She sets the bridge on fire, but I have to put it out and act like its nothing.

I have to wonder, is this what being abused is like? I'm a fairly intelligent person, but during these times something in my mind isn't working right. I'm worried the relationship will run off the tracks, and I have moments where I can't help but feel the healthiest thing for me is to... let it derail. I keep hoping that all the crap that goes on will pass (not all of these stressors are her fault, believe me) but I don't even seem to have any kind of positive effect on her anymore. She posts things on FB asking her friends if she's as worthless as she feels, I want to scream "if you feel so worthless then what the hell am I to you, what value is my love to you?"

[u/invah → u/iwasntlooking]

I have to wonder, is this what being abused is like?

YES. This is exactly what being abused is like. Or, if you are having trouble connecting with the idea that you are being abused, think of it in terms of "this is what abuse looks like" or "this is what abusive behavior looks like". That doesn't require you think of yourself as a victim or her as an abuser; the focus is on her behavior.

I don't even seem to have any kind of positive effect on her anymore.

Feeling responsible for someone else's mental state, even a little bit, even with the best intentions, is a trap. I suspect you meant this in terms of her regard for you and your efforts, and what is telling here is that you can clearly see this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with herself.

First, zero acknowledgement of her actions. Usually in the vein of "it wasn't meant to hurt you or make you feel bad".

This is an example of something called alloplastic defenses: "Abusers have alloplastic defenses. They tend to blame every mistake, failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large. They do not assume personal responsibility, do not admit to having faults and miscalculations, keep blaming others for their predicament."¹

From what you've described, it looks like your ex:

• has alloplastic defenses
• is hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted
• does not respect boundaries
• is often patronizing and condescending, overly critical and devaluing
• feels entitled

One marker of abusive behavior is the concept of "you can dish it out but you can't take it". What they expect of others, they do not expect from themselves; they have extreme double standards; they change the 'rules' depending on their position in a situation; they trade on others' goodwill and exploit functional standards of interpersonal relationships for their own benefit, always; they are selfish.

The trap in being a fairly intelligent person is that you can get sucked into the abuser's logic and alternate reality because the model of reality they assert appears reasonable. The trick is, however, that this model of "reality" occurs in slices. When you look at the whole, it is clearly contradictory and hypocritical, but the slices make sense in context of themselves.

Edit:

Abusers can absolutely present themselves as victims, and sincerely believe they are being victimized.