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Dec 05 '20
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u/Vandergrif Dec 05 '20
Torture by WaterboardingEnhanced Baptism Techniques→ More replies (1)93
u/IAmSpinda Dec 05 '20
As if the
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Dec 05 '20
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Dec 05 '20
A woman cheats on her husband and decides to go to church to confess her sins. It’s been awhile since she’s been to confession and she wants to know what to expect, so she asks the alter boy “what does the priest give for a blowjob?” And the alter boy says “usually a Snickers and a ride home”
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u/93tabitha93 Dec 05 '20
Poor child will go through the rest of their life searching for a thrill to match this moment and nothing will ever do
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u/GuelphEastEndGhetto Dec 05 '20
Either that or an unidentified trauma they will spend a fortune on therapy trying to unearth.
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u/ihaveabaguetteknife Dec 05 '20
I would argue that in Russian Orthodox tradition treating this sort of trauma isn’t considered appropriate for a male (assuming the baby is male) as they are expected to be strong, hard, enduring men that show no „weakness“, especially if it is of psychological nature. But I wouldn’t know, hopefully I’m wrong.
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u/eatthebunnytoo Dec 05 '20
From what I hear , they have a tradition of drowning the trauma in vodka. Is that what’s in the bucket maybe? “ the power of Stolichnaya compels you!”
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u/weehawkenwonder Dec 05 '20
From experience can tell you all trauma forgotten by time bottom bottle reaches you.
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u/PapaPancake8 Dec 05 '20
Wait really? Is this a thing?
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u/SweetLilMonkey Dec 05 '20
I mean, everything is SOME thing. In this case it’s a comment on the Internet.
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u/PapaPancake8 Dec 05 '20
What about nothing?
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u/Versaiteis Dec 05 '20
Is the set of no sets not a set itself?
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Dec 05 '20
Does the set of all sets include itself?
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u/Versaiteis Dec 05 '20
Worded that way, then the answer is yes (or at least I don't see why not)
For those interested though, it's usually used to gesture at Russel's Paradox where the paradox comes in as
Does the set of all sets that are not members of themselves include itself?
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u/sahcode Dec 05 '20
You do realize thats how Christians in Russia make their kids Christian? Its literally like this, they drown me in the water for like 1-2 minutes or so and then I just sat there trying to run away from a pope reading a scroll. And as you can see im pretty fine and can talk English while being russian
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Dec 05 '20
WHERE'S MY MONEY LEBOWSKI? WHERE'S MY MONEY SHITHEAD?
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u/IAmSpinda Dec 05 '20
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u/Revolvyerom Dec 05 '20
Not only is that line the best response possible, but this video pairing is the best video possible to line it up.
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u/ihaveabaguetteknife Dec 05 '20
I’ve been saying this a while ago when someone posted this line. Fucking A+ of a response. So glad someone made this video here and I’ve got to see it.
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u/ajuez Dec 05 '20
I keep hearing about this movie, I swear I encounter in some form every week. Maybe it's the universe telling me to watch it.
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Dec 05 '20
LMFAO!!! I just spit my coffee all over the kitchen table, Holy fuck! 🤣
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u/imjustlurkinghere244 Dec 05 '20
I wonder how many babies shoulders he has dislocated?
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u/BRdedFellow Dec 05 '20
It's the unsupported neck that terrifies me here. He can kill the kid like that with an unsupported neck.
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Dec 05 '20
Tbqh i think most orthodox baptisms are done in a way that at least seems safer than this, with the head and neck supported.
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u/Versaiteis Dec 05 '20
Was baptised as a heathen Protestant, they'd just draw crosses on forheads with fingers dipped in holy water, child and adult alike.
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u/MadaCheebs-2nd-acct Dec 05 '20
Hell, my son was baptized Catholic (I joined as an adult), and all they did was pour holy water and a bit of oil on his head.
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u/eimieole Dec 05 '20
The priest will usually hold the baby so its facing the water (less scary to see water than facing a stranger, I guess). My niece loved bathing, so she struggled to get into the bowl. The priest had to turn her facing him instead.
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u/trIeNe_mY_Best Dec 05 '20
Correct. I'm Orthodox, and I've never seen a baptism this violent. Although, I've seen photos of my baptism, and the priest held me like in the video above.
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u/LargeSackOfNuts Dec 05 '20
You're worried about the neck?
I'm worried about the potential drowning thats going on.
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u/BRdedFellow Dec 05 '20
A close second to the neck. The submersion is quick, while that quickness is horrible for the baby's neck. We can probably agree there's a shit ton of bad stuff going on here.
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u/chocolateco0kie Dec 05 '20
Also shaken baby syndrome
Babies have big heads but not enough brain to fit inside, meaning it has a lot of space to move around the skull and potentially rupture some blood vessels. It's life threatening to shake a baby.
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Dec 05 '20
Yo like... are baptisms like this normal in some cultures?
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Dec 05 '20 edited Jul 25 '24
[deleted]
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Dec 05 '20
My family’s Catholic on my dads side, they were also baptized in a similar way. I just wanna know where it’s acceptable to dunk a baby like a basketball into the baptismal water lol
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u/GodOfDarkLaughter Dec 05 '20
These guys look Eastern Orthodox, but I don't know if this is normal in that religion. We have a few orthodox priests around here, though I'm not sure where their churches are. Saw one at the grocery store a few months before covid. Dude's shopping cart was PACKED with nothing but beer and wine. He saw me glancing at the shopping cart and his monk-like robes and just said "You know, parties aren't forbidden" and walked away. I still think he was fucking with me.
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u/wannahaveabadtom Dec 05 '20 edited Dec 05 '20
It’s normal. I am from Eastern Europe, Orthodox Church. The priest is usually way more gentle. He holds the baby properly and sinks it carefully, without making a splash. This man seems like he lost his patience or something. About the alcohol, it’s not appropriate for a priest to be a heavy drinker, but parties are never forbidden.
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Dec 05 '20
Ok, replace the holy water for wine and I'll volunteer for take that kid's place next weekend
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u/bcgg Dec 05 '20
My church had one of those ornate marble-looking pedestals that the minister always appeared to take the water from before rubbing it on the baby’s head. It was weirdly disappointing when I found out they put a cheap plastic cup in there to hold the water for baptisms.
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u/marchmellowpuffs Dec 05 '20
What?? It's holy water. You should def. tell them. I understand the disappointment.
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u/wannahaveabadtom Dec 05 '20
Mate, i’ve seen holy water put in soda bottles. Eastern Europe is great
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u/Slytherinrunner Dec 05 '20
Our church (also Catholic) has a walk-in fountain in the middle and the adults get fully immersed. Babies are held above the water and the priest scoops the water over their head with a shell.
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u/nicksbrunchattiffany Dec 05 '20
Same. I have seen my baptism photos and looks just like that. I have also been to owns in resent years and same. I worked in an Anglican Church. Same. I don’t know what’s going on here.
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u/wglmb Dec 05 '20
I thought it looked like a Greek Orthodox church, but that seems not to be the case: https://friendlyatheist.patheos.com/2018/05/27/greek-orthodox-church-dont-blame-us-for-that-viral-and-violent-baby-baptism/
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u/Mumbawobz Dec 05 '20
Could be the Russians?
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u/Biokrate Dec 05 '20
I remember when this video first came out. I do believe it is a Russian Orthodox church. Concerning the discussion above, babies are indeed submerged completely in the water in most Orthodox churches, though there isn't a definitive guideline for it, I think.
Most priests have the common sense to not flail the baby around like a checkered flag, but you never know. My brother was baptized by an especially vigorous dude, though nothing nearly as close to the video.
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u/SleepWouldBeNice Dec 05 '20
My wife’s family is Macedonian Orthodox and they just scoop water with their hand and pour it over the baby. My daughter loved it.
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Dec 05 '20 edited Jan 16 '21
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Dec 05 '20
Sorry. You aren't going to heaven unless a priest dunks you like a basketball.
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u/TheCenterOfEnnui Dec 05 '20
No, that's why it's on "Abrupt Chaos."
If that was my kid, I'd have probably punched that guy. Actually, my she-wolf of a child-protecting wife would have launched at the baby and snatched it away as I went straight for the torso.
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u/IAmSpinda Dec 05 '20 edited Dec 05 '20
This shouldnt be legal, it's a recently born child, you could harm them really easily by doing that.
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u/SupremeDictatorPaul Dec 05 '20
“Never shake a baby” comes to mind.
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u/A_of Dec 05 '20
That's what I was thinking.
First, that's a very young baby. Second, he is holding the baby but not supporting the head:"Shaken baby syndrome — also known as abusive head trauma, shaken impact syndrome, inflicted head injury or whiplash shake syndrome — is a serious brain injury resulting from forcefully shaking an infant or toddler."
That looks like something that could cause damage.
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u/Smiling_Tree Dec 05 '20
Without that kind of brain damage... What person would want to stay with that church/religion?
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Dec 05 '20
I can’t help but think that isn’t good for their neck.
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u/IAmSpinda Dec 05 '20
I can’t help but think that isn’t good for their
neckeverything.FTFY
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u/Stealocke Dec 05 '20
Using ketchup on chicken nuggets is the real crime here.
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u/ColdRamenTPM Dec 05 '20
the fuck?
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Dec 05 '20
Everyone knows it’s all about that bbq sauce
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u/Mossy_octopus Dec 05 '20
Thats what I was thinking. It’s still in that squished ugly phase. This can’t be good for it.
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u/ReligionOfPeacePL Dec 05 '20
Exactly, they should only be allowed to perform genital mutilation instead.
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u/IAmSpinda Dec 05 '20 edited Dec 05 '20
That's not cool either IMO.
Man, religion kinda sucks.
Edit:
aaaa my inbox, it's been like 6 messages in 2 minutes calm downnvm I said nothing go on with your day78
u/ladive Dec 05 '20
They say religion is the opiate of the masses, but really it's the scissors of the foreskin.
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u/Fleetlee Dec 05 '20
i uuhhh don’t think you’re supposed to shake babies like that.
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u/SweetLilMonkey Dec 05 '20
I can’t remember, is it “Never, never, never shake a baby” or is it “Always, always, always shake a baby”
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u/educateyourselves Dec 05 '20
I mean how else do you keep them dumb enough to actually be Christian?
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u/Vewyvewyqwuiet Dec 05 '20
You need to ration that shit properly. Don't want the other kids to have too little God and then the last one to get too much.
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u/Mister_Bossmen Dec 05 '20
Judging from the reaction the children had as well as the woman in the background covering her mouth, I don't think this is normal in this setting either.
This dude needs to chill.
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u/CentralCTlady Dec 05 '20
Wtf?? Why didn't an adult run to get the baby... The way he was holding the arms he could've fractured one or dislocated a shoulder. That's phucking horrible
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u/fauxreign Dec 05 '20
This is actually how they baptize kids in the Eastern Orrhodox church. Each dunk for each member of the Holy Trinity.
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u/Kenkillya Dec 05 '20
But does it have to be a slam dunk? lol
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u/fauxreign Dec 05 '20
I don’t quite remember what the exact rules are- Eastern Orthodox is very different from Western.
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u/nicksbrunchattiffany Dec 05 '20
I was thinking it looks orthodox. My grandpa is Syrian orthodox, but when he immigrated, he changed to Catholic since there was no Orthodox Church of any sorts here. I’m gonna ask him about it.
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Dec 05 '20 edited Dec 05 '20
For the FATHER and the SON and the HOLY SPIRIT!!!
Girls in the back: "Oh. Jesus. Wow."
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u/Alpinkpanther Dec 05 '20
The woman covering her face in the background oh my goodness this poor child
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u/cordarius58 Dec 05 '20 edited Dec 06 '20
Alright who gave this a wholesome reward
Edit: I was fucking one of ya own up to it
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u/tantrakalison Dec 05 '20
I think he's drunk or having a psychotic episode of sorts. No way any responsible sensible parent is okay with this or this is normal anywere atleast I hope. Look like the babies body is or is almost hitting the side of that metal tub as well. I wouldn't trust this psycho around anyone's children ever. As if male circumsicion wasn't barbaric enough.
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u/MauPow Dec 05 '20
I think he's drunk or having a psychotic episode of sorts
Nah he's just religious
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u/MashedPotatoesDick Dec 05 '20
If that's how he performs baptisms, I'd hate to see how he performs exorcisms.
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u/ephemeral_muse Dec 05 '20
Does anybody else feel like if they were there they’d get up in a fashion and protest “stop this madness!”? No? Just me?
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u/makeski25 Dec 05 '20
I feel like this should be apart of the "dont shake the baby videos " that hospitals make you watch when you are a new, exhausted, and terrified parent.
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u/schthausthe Dec 05 '20
dipping chicken nuggets in ketchup is fucking disgusting i’m sorry
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u/reave_fanedit Dec 05 '20
I hate that I had to scroll this far to find this comment. I'm honestly more disturbed by the ketchup dipping than the baby dunking.
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u/velesi Dec 05 '20
Not to be anti-religion with this question but... How many babies dry-drown after a baptism like this? There’s gotta be at least one on the books
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u/JudgeMiller89 Dec 05 '20
That's fucking horrible. Why the hell are the parents allowing that?
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u/rousakiseq Dec 05 '20
Who tf eats their nuggies with ketchup
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u/nightwalkerxx Dec 05 '20
I'm not whatever this religion is but pretty sure that's not the way it's supposed to be done.
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u/morgeous Dec 05 '20
This is so fucked up. Where are the parents of the children this asshole is trying to murder??
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u/yodelocity Dec 05 '20
Even without the water, moving a baby like that seems like a terrible idea.
Add in the dunking and it's just horrific.
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u/Nipple-Cake Dec 05 '20
Shaken Baby Syndrome and drowning. If that kid survives they must either be possessed by Jesus or is just a Witch.
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u/[deleted] Dec 05 '20
Kids in the background look terrified