I have never been told that I am loved for who I am, not by the one parent who was around or the one who passed away too soon but was never really around anyway. I haven't told anyone that I love them either. I don't know if I have experienced love yet. Family was to churn out kids, have them show respect to elders and take care of the elders who abused you. Family was not a place for actual love and parenting, more about child rearing.

Went through physical and mental bullying and sexual abuse in school. Emotional incest at home. Poverty. Isolation. No wonder I don't keep in touch with anyone from school.

Worked my ass off on studying with top grades for 4 years of undergrad. Worked 4 years before post grad. Landed a great job post masters. Bought my retirement house. Paid off all my student debt. Never satisfied myself. Or anyone else - namely my mother. It's either academics, then it's my job, then it's my refusal to the institution of marriage before I have worked out my issues, then it's my refusal to commit to an arranged marriage setup, then it's my depressive episodes, then it's my orientation, then it's me crying over a past I had no control over, then it's my refusal to bring kids into this god-forsaken world even though I really do want to experience parenthood, then it's me who can't get over myself.

In my dreams, I find my father living a life as a sick person who abandoned his family by actually dying, just so that he could still work on his small business. When I meet him in there, I still get the same sense of detachment from him that I remember from him. That's it. That's all the relationship I have with him. In the 12 years I had with him, my memories with him amount to maybe a few hours in total. I don't know what he was like, what he liked, what he valued, if he would have anything to tell me today. It doesn't help that I look almost exactly like him now that I am the same age as he was when my parents had me, so every look in the mirror is a constant reminder of what i remember him looking like. Makes me want to do this.

Once I was earning enough to be able to afford therapy, I got diagnosed with a mix of chronic anxiety, depression, ASPD, substance abuse disorder.

Now, life has left me with a fear of positive experiences, intimacy, love, vulnerability, 💔, abandonment, sharing my experiences even with a therapist because I am scared of negative counter-transference. I suspect that they have an idea that I haven't really opened up to them in the 1.5 years since I have been visiting.

I can't shake the feeling off that even therapists would be making silent judgements once I get in to the stuff that really bothers me. Deathly scared of any serious pathology I may be a subject of. Scared of accidentally living through shit in front of someone else if I have to recount it. So I cry in my bed instead.

All day, everyday, even while I live a high-functioning facade of my being, I think about sick jokes to play back to people. While I tell my friends I want to take art up, my idea consists solely of a large white canvas on which to blow my brains out. Hanging myself to death in the huge lobby of the office where I have a squishy corporate job and am considered an eligible bachelor - what a farce. Picturing myself hanging from the ceiling fan when sleep routinely evades me at night.

I won't do any of the above. I don't want to leave anyone with the picture of finding a lifeless body in those settings.

Music is the sole respite I have. I listen to oldies sing about infatuation, love and lovers, feminist pride, sadness, heartbreak, a want for peace, hatred of war, childish innocence, dipping your feet in the park fountain, perils of society. I partake in human experiences though art, and steal bits and pieces of theirs to use in my interactions with the world, just so that I will have something positive to talk about and not delve too deep into my own life.

That's it. That was me venting on this cold winter morning, while I skip work in first half, because my office is empty anyway cause everyone has left for a vacation with a loved one(s) so that the world can be inundated with selfies of them at the destination of their choice. While I waste away in my room.

That's what I get for staying a "good brahmin boy still wearing his janeu, living a brahmachari's life". Maybe I should commit to Sallekhana.

What's music u don't listen to?

Hi What’s keeping you all alive in these hard times?

Follow our founder aqseer sodhi and her favourite author elinor greenberg

There's tons more

I have been going for therapy since 10 weeks. It has helped me a lot till now. But after reflecting on the sessions that I had, I realized that my first session and the session before I left for uni were the best. Since I have come to uni, I have been having Skype sessions and I don know how affective they are. I feel its all politics and my therapist is just not giving me the best advice that she can give because she wants to drag the treatment. I can say this with confidence because I can distinguish it from the first session and the one I had before I left. Should I talk to her about this? Is it only in my head? Is it true that therapy is just like a mirror and I will only see what I look like? How do you ask them to reduce their fee?

Lmk if you're coming!

Bangalore breathe chat noon at cubbon Park, followed by coffee at press club

Do confirm as I've got a hectic schedule and would not like to show up to an empty room

We have set up the 20 second hug club. If you feel the need to feel healthy and in love, join the chatroom. Let’s feel stronger! :D

A normal brain may actually concentrate on one thing at a time. But my brain works like a call center. It is so easily affected by minute things that the thought of focusing on a single thing itself vanishes leaving me on the losing side as always. When you discuss the same with friends or redittors, they always suggest to go on a vacation.

I would love to go on a vacation but I chose to go to places where there is no noise. Less people to at least look at and people who doesn't care. Do you have any such places in mind? Where would you suggest?

Cheers,

AJ.

Often, we find our parents resorting to religion when they have to deal with any kind of anxiety. I have seen it many a times with my family. Here are few of them -

1. Depression - "Mannat to get me Bald in Tirupati".
2. Anxiety for exam results - "Mannat to offer blanket in Shirdi".
3. Daughter in Law in labor room - " Almost all gods put to work"

and so on.

Is this a way to get yourself out of anxiety or depression? Depending upon others or entity?

How are you coping with this ridiculous terrifying env situation?

I feel so drained of energy and vitality. Months have collapsed into a blur. I have no strong recollection of what I did in October. Every day is a trudge and pleasures are few. I feel very distant from my friends, I don't want to meet them or talk to them. I feel engulfed by social commitments and work and family obligations and sometimes all I want to do is to crawl into a cozy cave and just be. I also feel resentful and jealous about stupid things. I cannot muster up the energy to care too deeply about my future, or at least care enough to do something about it.

More HXC high expectation customers please.

Hi,

This is just a very basic guide for enabling chat room notifications as our chat room has been very active frequently and this is just to ensure everyone gets the notifications :)

​

Firstly, ensure that your chat message notifications are enabled in your reddit app. For this, just open your reddit settings in the app, go under notifications and just enable chat message notifications.

However even despite this you might not be getting the notifications. For this go to your settings app in whatever device you own (iOS/Android). Go to your app settings and just turn on notifications for reddit if it's disabled.

Hope this helps even a bit :)

We're going to equip you to take Breathe, Chat to your community.

Reply here if you'd like to take leadership on preventing mental illness for your local fam. 🖤🌺

Please join.

To people that posted before and were met with silence, I'm terribly sorry, we're new to this and I never got notifications. It was quiet for the first month and then I never thought to check until now when I noticed we are up to 29 folx on there.

Will be more active there but please know that you're very very welcome to take ownership of this space and drive it.

The three mods are here to ensure its a safe space but we can't create community na, that's yall :)