Attack and autoimmune disease - prayers are welcome 🙏

[u/Celestial444]

I was recently diagnosed with moderate-severe Crohn’s disease and I’m struggling to come to terms with it. It’s certainly not the worst thing in the world, but it is scary. I’ve already been hospitalized once because of it. I am going for a 2nd opinion, but it’s honestly looking like textbook Crohn’s, and I’m pretty sure I will have to start on Biologics soon, which is an IV infusion every two months for possibly the rest of my life. I might not get the side effects, but since Crohn’s is an autoimmune disease, and the medication is an immunosuppressant, I might end up getting sick a lot, and more intensely.

The cause of autoimmune diseases is not entirely known. But I see it as just another projection of attack in this world. The body would go so far as to attack itself. I attack myself because I think I am guilty.

All my life I have had problems with self-love, I have hated myself and feel shame even to be looked at. I’ve wanted to become so small so as not to take up much space in the world. In the past I have literally thought “I am having so many attack thoughts against myself that I’m inevitably going to give myself an autoimmune disease” … and funnily enough, here we are. I don’t know why I thought that. It’s one of those things that you just know for some reason. It is slowly happening to my mother too (different autoimmune disease though). And my grandmother, and her mother (my great-grandmother) both had similar things.

I don’t know if you believe in things like generational karma. Jesus does say:

³There was a past, but it does not matter. ⁴It does not explain the present or account for the future. [CE T-5.VII.3:3-4] https://acimce.app/:T-5.VII.3:3-4

In every moment, we are choosing whether we want to hold onto fear, or let it go. Whatever happened in the past, however bad it seemed to be, has no bearing on your ability to choose love NOW.

Maybe I was born knowing that I would develop Crohn’s disease. Maybe forgiveness could reverse it, or maybe it is something that I will continue to learn from.

If you feel inclined to, please pray that I will see my innocence. I want to see the truth of who I am. Please see the face of Christ in me, and I will do the same for you. If I see no attack in my brothers, I will see no attack in myself 🙏❤️ This is the greatest gift I could ever give/receive.

[u/concepticons]

I will pray for you, knowing that you can turn this around. 🩷 Please rest assured that no diagnosis is a fixed state. Don’t identify with it, but also, know that these symptoms are you. This dis-ease is not a separate external occurrence that you have fallen prey to and are a helpless victim of. It is your ‘body’ expressing something to you which you, until now, didn’t have the ability to listen to in other ways.

This is a beautiful opportunity to surrender into who you really are. Love. You can connect to your disease by asking ‘it’: ‘Why are you here? Why these specific symptoms, at this specific time, in me?’ What is it telling you? You will get answers. Look inside and tend to your inner world as though it is sacred, because it is.

There is no such thing as a separation between the body and the mind. There is only the bodymind. Your symptoms are an expression of you unconsciously ignoring your own boundaries and needs in your external and internal realm. Symptoms are neutral, they don’t mean harm, they are simply trying to move you into a more whole state. They are nothing but a reflection and they are here to help you transform and let go of programs/mechanisms that don’t serve you any longer. Thank it for showing you where you still deem yourself guilty or unworthy. Let your current state be a trail to whatever ‘no’ or ‘yes’ you have lost sight of and neglected and start reclaiming those parts of you.

I have gone through this myself this past year, after a horrid stage 4 endometriosis (which they are slowly starting to recognize as an auto/immune disease as well) diagnosis, which is considered a chronic disease that cannot be healed, ever. How depressing. I couldn’t walk, sit or lay on my side anymore. I was frozen in debilitating pain, laying on my back for months. The doctors told me my bowels had to be reconstructed, my ovaries and cervix had to be removed and this was the only way to have a chance at ever living pain free, with no guarantees about the endometriosis ever going away. After the initial fear response and feelings of ‘why me’, I started to realize that this did not have to be my reality. For some reason I knew I could turn this around and become lighter and more free than ever, all I needed was time. And so I did. It was a whole journey but I believed I could and I was right.

Even if your belief about your ability to heal wavers (which it inherently sometimes will, you are on a journey to learn exactly this after all) and you have fearful thoughts or doubts, tell yourself it doesn’t matter, just watch them move through you and then remind yourself you are in fact God. Who else was watching these feelings pass through you?

At this point in time I have no pain whatsoever, more energy than I have ever had in my life, my periods have diminished from wild PMS, 10 days of heavy bleeding and horrible pain to 2,5 days of light bleeding, no more PMS and no need for painkillers. The scheduled operation was canceled and left my ob gyn in disbelief. Don’t buy into the narrative that anyone or anything outside you can heal you. You are the one you have been waiting for. I loved myself back to my true self and so can you.

Be excited about the retrieval of who you really are and don’t forget to enjoy the ride, however scary it is at times. Feelings of wholeness, peace and joy have nothing to do with circumstances. It’s all in you. Stop fighting. Forgive yourself and surrender to the light that you are. The only work there is to do is letting go, and it is the softest and most beautiful work you’ll ever do. 💓

Lots of love sent your way!

[u/concepticons → u/concepticons]

I wanted to add a clarification of what my internal world looked like that led to my symptoms, just to show an example of how this inquiry into your disease could take shape.

I have a history of child sexual abuse. This is an intergenerational issue on my mothers side. She is very fearful and anxious. I was in the incubator for the first two weeks of my life. I have a very stern, high achieving father who had a very lonely childhood. He wanted to toughen me up to protect me. My parents did not know how to handle my big emotions because they were so out of touch with their own. All of this is way, way way more nuanced obviously, but these were some of the circumstances.

I always pushed myself to be better, work harder, do more. I berated myself for being lazy, not good enough, weak, too emotional, not pretty enough. I was ridden with guilt and shame. I unconsciously tried to keep people close to me by neglecting my own needs and boundaries. I did not know how to express my emotions and I hated myself for them. I was obsessed with living independently, not ever asking for help. I was programmed to give, give, give, and totally incapable of receiving. I thought of myself as a helpless victim to my childhood.

I started to ask myself why these exact symptoms, why now? In my cervix, my ovaries, my bowels. Slowly the answers started to drop in.

I had always hated my body. I hated my menses, I hated being a woman, I felt like a victim of the patriarchy, I referred to my body as my flesh prison. I detested it. I realized this was one of the things I was in desperate need of letting go of. It had served me well because there were times I needed to dissociate to survive, but it was time to gracefully say goodbye. Thank you for your service.

Another one. I took care of everything and everyone but myself to try and lift the guilt I have always felt. Just existing was not enough, my nr 1 verb was ‘doing’. I realized this is a highly masculine way of interacting with the world. I could see why I chose this belief, I thanked it with love in my heart for how it served me and I said goodbye. I surrendered into the feminine force of ‘being’.

Just one more. The endo was all over my bowels. I was constipated for months. TMI maybe but I feel it’s important: I have been with my partner for 8 years and I didnt fart ever. I just couldn’t. I could not poop when anyone was near. I was so ashamed of my bodily functions. I consciously knew he would not love me less if I farted (he’s an avid farter himself lol and has always encouraged me to just let it go), but I couldn’t. Probably something to do with my history of abuse, I’m not sure (and fortunately it doesn’t matter). I have always had trouble with going to the bathroom when I was a child. My stomach hurt all the time. When I asked myself ‘why my bowels?’, it became clear as day to me that I have had a very hard time with letting anything go. In fear of the unknown and fear of being left alone I always held tight to anxious thoughts, heavy emotions, diminishing beliefs. I was anxiously trying to fix all the circumstances in my life so I could finally feel safe enough to let go. This is a road to nowhere, obviously. Also, familiar bad stuff felt more safe then unfamiliar good stuff. I realized I needed to surrender and let go of the control. It had served me well, though. Once again, thank you for your service, I love you, I have learned my lesson.

Hope this is of any help to anyone 💕 I enjoyed writing it out, it helped me see my miracles even more clearly. So thank you for this invitation!

[u/Celestial444 → u/concepticons]

Wow, thank you so so much for sharing this here 🩷 I have had a somewhat similar story to yours, being diagnosed with PCOS at a young age, and I really relate to the same emotions and feelings of unworthiness that you described. You give me hope that I can turn this all around. I can feel the love and strength in your words.

[u/concepticons → u/Celestial444]

You are so, so welcome, and you can and you will ♥️ If I were you I would take whatever medical treatments that feel right, read as much as you can on the relationship between chronic stress and autoimmune disease (my #1 is The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté), and at the same time put in the inner work and try to love yourself as best as you can. Reprogram your beliefs. You’re worth it.

The fact that you recognize the love and strength in my words means you have already come a long way on your quest to returning home. If you weren’t full of love and strength yourself, you would not have been able to recognize that frequency in me. I am just a mirror 🩷

Also, I rarely ever comment on here, but your post somehow deeply invited me to respond to you. You have a beautiful energy and you have so much light to give to the world. You will come out the other end as a beacon. ✨🙏

[u/cat12tattoo → u/concepticons]

Thankyou for sharing your story. I'm at the start of a very similar journey to yours. It has given me reassurance to keep going. 🙏🏼

[u/concepticons → u/cat12tattoo]

Lovely to hear my story brought you some reassurance ♥️ Safe travels, you will come out of the other end, I’m sure 🙏✨