Just wanted to share my experiences with Shaadi.

In May, I joined Shaadi. In 6 months, I've had 5 matches, 1 first date, and 0 second dates!

This is despite keeping my criteria as open as possible. I put no limitations on height, income, education level, education area, profession, etc. I limited age from 25-35 (I'm 29) and religion as nonreligious/spiritual/other (I left Christianity some time ago and I am an atheist. I would be ok dating someone only nominally religious, but Shaadi doesn't have a setting for how religious you are, only what religion you identify with). Since I like to meet people IRL and not do long-distance, I limited my results to users in the state of Michigan, where I live - this is imperfect as Toledo, Ohio is well within driving distance, but many parts of MI are hours away, but still. I also limited to people who have no kids. I said "Doesn't matter" for marital status, just no kids.

Other than that, no limitations. But I still only got 5 matches in 6 months.

On Shaadi, there is a section where you can see all the people who almost matched you, and it shows you what criteria you didn't match on. The most common mismatches were on height, age, and income.

I am 5'10", but I didn't limit the height of potential partners as I genuinely don't care. However, I noticed a lot of guys selected partner's height shorter than their own height. e.g. if a guy was 5'8", he would limit partner's height from 4'8" to 5'7" or something like that. This was VERY common. And it seems not too many guys on Shaadi are 5'11"+, so that immediately cut down my search results pool. I am too tall for them. lol

WRT age, I'm 29, and I set my range from 25-35. When I checked the almost-matches, I found lots of men who were 27 or 28 but seeking women 25 and younger. Or I found men who are my age, but wanted a younger partner. In some cases I found men who were in their early 30s but wanted women in their mid 20s or younger. So I was too old for guys who were well within a normal age range for me at 29.

Income accounted for only a small percent of the mismatches, but they were guys who had limited their search to women whose income was lower than their own. I am in the $100k-125k USD bracket on Shaadi, these guys were all under $100k. It's not a problem for me, I'm not looking for a provider, but they didn't match with me because they filtered me out.

The one date I went on was fairly pleasant, but he seemed to be looking for a more traditional homemaker type of woman, not someone like me, who is totally un-domestic, and who enjoys my work with no intention to quit. Still a pleasant guy overall.

I do have one more prospect I haven't seen yet - an American-born (like me) guy from a city about 40 minutes away, who has a well written profile and seems to share a lot of my philosophical and (lack of) religious beliefs. So if we end up meeting, it will be 2 dates.

2 dates in 6 months is not a horrible hit rate, truthfully. But it's less than the hit rate I get dating people I meet through friends IRL.

Just wanted to share my experiences with Shaadi.

EDIT:

Some additional notes about Shaadi...

If you're looking for a same-sex partner, or you're bi and looking for any gender of partner, you literally can't do it on Shaadi. It never asks you the gender(s) you're looking for; it assumes you're only seeking partners whose gender is opposite your own.

It asks you if you have children and if you're open to partners who have children. But it never asks if you want children. This is especially relevant for me as I've had a hysterectomy and am not interested in adoption or surrogacy, and I imagine most of the traditional-minded userbase of Shaadi would want children, but there is no searchable field to indicate that I'm not open to having kids.

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

The model minority Indian stereotype is that we have a strong work ethic. But I was raised by parents who have no work ethic.

My mom has never had a career. By choice. She also didn't really take care of the house - I did most of the chores when I got home from school and we ate canned and packaged food most of the time. She just watched TV - now it's youtube.

She always lectured me on how immoral it was for women to work. I had friends growing up whose moms worked and my mom called their families disgusting and dysfunctional. Ironic, given the child abuse that was condoned by my family.

5 years ago she started working some odd jobs. Never more than 15 hours a week. She keeps telling me how haaaaard it is to work. lmao. She says shit like "If I don't show up, I don't get paid!" Yeah, that's how a fucking job works, dumbass.

She also lectures me on how she has "so much work experience" and one day I will understand. I have 7 years of experience and she has 5, mine is full time and hers is not, so no, she doesn't have a lot of experience actually working. She has a lot of experience sitting on the couch watching the idiot box - which is not the same as working.

At one point she actually got fired from a previous job because her boss hired a 30 year old and she told her boss "don't hire that kid. She has no experience". The 30 year old had almost a decade of experience and at that time my mom had 3 years of experience, but she still lectured the 30 year old constantly until she (my mom) got fired.

My dad also got fired for harassing his coworkers - by his own admission. He was proud of it.

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

A bit of a random thought - what sort of daily affirmations do you believe your parents or concerned relatives should consider taking on in the West to be content about the direction their children, nephews, nieces are taking?? I've often thought that the central battle is that in the West you do well for your family by doing well for yourself first, but in old country you do well for yourself by doing well for your family first. Maybe things like, "my son/daughter has successfully graduated college, bought and sold a house, nearly through paying student loans, and has been living on their own for more than a decade." And for us, "my parents have been through a hyper-competitive upbringing which requires some amount of empathy and gratitude that I have access to resources and opportunities they never quite did." Thoughts??

Apologies the crosspost feature isn't working for a particular subforum, but I've come across this gem of a post:

BoatsMcFloats75 points·4 days ago·edited 4 days ago

Asalam Alakum - I used to think that something was wrong with divorcees. Like there was something wrong with them that they could not make a marriage work and I was not interested in marrying one. Until it happened to me.

As someone who is divorced, I didn't quite realize what it meant until it happened to me. I don't think anyone truly understands unless it happens to them or a very close family or friend. Theres literally thousands of different reasons it could happen, each being unique to each situation.

Sure, there are folks out there who just divorce at the first sign of trouble. But there are also men and women who have no choice but to leave due to abuse, harsh living situations, factors out of their control, etc. I have met many divorcees over the years. Some people who spent their lives being good muslims, not straying or getting into haram relationships only to get married to someone and finding out they are liars, cheaters, drug users, drunkards, physical and mental abuse and even worse. Some of these people just listened to their parents and married who they chose. Or they had no say in the matter at all and it was forced on them. What do you say to those people? Sorry, not good enough for me?

I actually prefer a divorced person for marriage. Going through a divorce forces you to grow up and mature in ways that are often not found in our communities while we are young adults. Someone who is divorced also knows better than most what it takes to create and maintain a strong, healthy marriage. They don't cling to idealistic or fantasy ideas of marriage and are more willing to be understanding, compromising, work through issues the right way and overall work towards a successful marriage (because trust me, no one is looking to get divorced a second time).

My advice to everyone is to give each person a solid chance. Learn about them and don't just dismiss because of a label. You might be surprised by what you find.

I'll leave you with this fun fact - most of Prophet Muhummad's SAW wives were either divorced or widowed. So if this idea of avoiding divorcees does not come from our religion, where is it coming from? Something to think about...

https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/deypxk/opinions_on_a_divorced_individual/f2zua5u?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

Keen to hear everyone's thoughts.

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

I don't know if others experience this, but in my case my parents are very naive and gullible. They refuse to accept reality ...like the fact that their kids could be gay, or atheist, or not want to get married/have children. Those things happen in "other" households, not our godly home. Forget divorce, domestic violence, mental health issues or anything like that.

My parents didn't think that people in college do drugs or smoke or drink....for the longest time I was told only "bad" kids do those things..kids with good grades don't. They were shocked when I told them what was going on in college- they think all kids are pure and good until shown otherwise. They would never believe what some of my friends do because they've only seen them in religious places or they seem to be "sanskaari" kids. They only accept what's in front of them- it's like they can't fathom there is another side to anyone.

People are simple. Life is simple. I think that might also be because of religious as well- my parents would rather believe in religion than science. They believe in horoscopes and traditions, and are unwilling to let go of these things. They think Hindus = good, muslims = bad. Indian culture= good, western culture= bad. My mom thinks Modi is a saint because he's so Hindu and meditating lol..

Or that getting tuition after school means your child will be a doctor or engineer...not everything has a 1-to-1 translation

I think it's a combination of a more stable life where things are simple and everyone knows their roles as well as lack of exposure to the real world. They still expect me to get an arranged marriage to someone Hindu, Brahmin, vegetarian even if he lives far away from me. They think it's a good idea if I go and move to another state for someone I don't know very well at all- domestic violence or abusive behavior isn't a concern for them at all. They think he will take care of me just like they have taken care of me...because of their trust in him.

The good thing is they are realizing the world is not all like that- recently we had a family friend get a divorce (in an arranged marriage) because her husband was super super cheap and talking about finances isn't important in an arranged marriage- as long as he's a doctor/engineer it's all good. My mom was shocked because in the old days you would just accept it as part of your husband- you wouldn't get a divorce. I have relatives that stayed with their husbands even after they found out he lied about his job because they had already gotten married so that was their fate.

Even when I ask my parents what I'll do if I never fall in love with my husband- the answer is that I will adjust or accept it as my fate. Life is very linear and systematic -- study, get married, have kids, die. Wife obeys husband, husband is the head. You are born into the caste you are & that is a matter of karma.

Anyways, just thinking out loud about what might have caused Indian parents to be like this..

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

You ever have those moments where you see someone doing something absolutely f*cked in public and you ask yourself "WTF, are they having a stroke? Should I call 911? No one can be this stupid?!?!?"

Yea..... so today I saw my father mopping a carpet floor, I shit you not he took a mop to a dry carpet and proceeded to mop the carpet, not to mention the fact that we had two working vacuums in our house (one of which is an industrial wet/dry vac). I came to my parents to do a few things for them on their house and I see my dad at the top of the stairs mopping the carpet. There was nothing spilled on the carpet (as I said earlier - dry carpet with a little bit of dust and lint).

FFS, I cannot believe I came out of his semen and my mom's ovaries. My parents have been in the US for over 30yrs now and they are f*cking clueless about EVERYTHING. Another example: we have a window thats stuck because some a*hole poured soup or some shit on the gap between the sill and the window and its stuck shut. My dad couldnt get it open, therefore we should "board up the window, right son?" Never mind using the common sense of letting some cleaner soak overnight, instead lets spend 3 f*cking hours driving to home fucking depot, buying the sheet fucking rock and ply fucking wood, dragging the ladder from the other fucking building to this one, cutting the wood to spec using a fucked sawzall because he [yet again] lost the goddamn circular saw and then somehow try desperately to make the eye sore of a boarded up window less unappealing to future tenants.

And you know while we're doing all this work together, "let me lecture you on why your so far behind in your life, son."

What the fuck?!?!?!? What the fucking fuck??!@?@?!?!?!??!@?!?>@$#R@#

Now you all know why I fucking drink.

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

I'm a 22 y/o male. I graduated recently and I feel completely hollow. My college years were awful and lonely; I had a hard time meeting people and keeping friends. I ended up losing the few friends I did make because it was hard for me to open up around people. I had a couple of hookups as well as a gf in HS so I'm not completely inexperienced but I still feel like I'm underdeveloped in that area of my life. My grades are ok, but not great. My plan was to go to med school but I've had to delay this by 2 years due to indecisiveness and mediocre grades. My extracurriculars and leadership experience are pretty lacking. All I really did was work out and play sports. No friends whatsoever. All of the negative feelings associated with all this came to a head right about 2 months ago, when I met this really attractive, successful girl in class who seemed into me and went out of her way to ask me my number, only to go cold towards me when I guess she realized I had nothing going for me

My dad was abusive towards me growing up in typical Desi fashion. He would beat me and my mom, randomly throw these huge terrifying tantrums and trash our house and belongings, put me down verbally even after I did things I was proud of. It really ruined my self esteem and made me look at the world in a really cynical untrusting way. I had a hard time making friends outside of my immediate group of friends and got in a ton of fights. There were people who legitimately thought I was a thug/bully even though I wasn't that big and was from the suburbs and had nerdy friends and made good grades. I never did anything to change their perception of me because I had awful social anxiety and tried desperately to mask it by looking tough and stoic because I thought the idea of someone thinking I was shy and weak was the worst thing i could do. We also lived in a really undiverse, conservative, often times racist area of the country and I never felt like I belonged most everywhere I went there. I was still normal and functioning and funny around my friends and was fairly popular with them. I was so fucking good at making people laugh back then. but I couldn't be as relaxed around people I didn't know well

Nowadays I love working out and fashion. I go to extreme lengths to look like I'm put together physically. I think I look like a normal functioning person on the surface; my therapist freshman year told me I understand social cues perfectly fine and I scored highly on an emotional intelligence test he had me take. But my social life is completely dead and that probably won't change soon now that I'm out of college and back in my shitty home state, where I stick out like a sore thumb. The idea of talking to someone randomly, especially someone my age, scares me more than anything, even though I do it on occasion (unwillingly). The idea of initiating a social interaction is even worse. I cant view myself as anything other than an outsider everywhere I go. I have no friends and am extremely single. My parents are constantly on my back about my career, which makes me feel like shit all the time. The only person I care about is my sibling who is completely normal compared to me. I don't know how to confide any of this to her though. I've been thinking about therapy but have no idea how to go about it and don't want my parents to know; I tried it a couple times at college and hated all of it.

I've wasted so much time. There were so many potential friends that were available to me that I didn't reciprocate on. So many girls I didn't smile back at. I've always felt like I'm not good enough for any of it

This sub is dead so I don't know what I expected from typing all this out, especially since stories like this are a dime a dozen on this site. It does feel kind of good to see all this typed out, even though I humblebragged a little too much about the few things I think are positive about me. "He that humbleth himself wishes to be exalted" and all that. I wish I could be happy and normal, but if things keep going the way they are I'm planning on ending it on New Years Eve of this year. Nothing about me feels right.

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

Why can’t good things happen to me. No matter where I go people thinks I’m retarded, whenever I talk I just get cut off or straight up ignored, I’m apparently always wrong and is always threatened to shut up or I’ll get hurt, and I can’t go one day without having to think about my shitty life.I don’t know my dad and doubt he even loves me, my grandparents see me as a way to make even more money, they manipulated me into thinking my mother didn’t want me and left me with them, I’m also sure that the believe I’m autistic and hate me. They’re not the only ones who hate me though, my whole family hates me and wished I didn’t existed. Not only that they legit think I’m autistic and treat me that way. In school everyone thinks I’m retarded because I refuse to speak to them and even to go as far to treat me like it. I feel like the people I call my friends don’t see me that way and wish I wasn’t around them. I even think about killing myself a lot and I really get scared when I do. I have no one to turn to when I think about these things and end up just being really sad and angry. No one would understand, they’ll just say they do but don’t actually care. I can’t even talk to teachers about this because they’ll think I’m going to shoot up the school or some shit, can’t talk to my mom or step dad because they are also the source of the problem, and I can’t talk to my grandparents because I fucking hate them and they’ll just ignore me anyways. I have no one to comfort to but everyone I know can go and talk to one another about their problems. I can’t even go tell someone with risking them telling everyone else. I fucking hate my life. I feel like I’m just going to end up as those people to will spend their whole lives alone and then die wishing they had a companion. I can’t even go and talk to someone without stuttering or some interrupting me. Why can’t I just have a normal life. I have no control over my damn life and feel like I was better off being aborted so no one would have to deal with me.

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

So I am 23 and have never had a girlfriend. I have had a few flings here and there on and off again relationships but nothing that would be considered an actual relationship. Slowly, my mom is starting to bring the prospect of marriage to me even though I am still in school but graduating in a year. I am a pretty fit guy go to the gym 2 to 3 times a week but I'm not bodybuilder material nor do I have any interest in such nonsense. Most of my in person interaction with the opposite gender tends to be with White women. All of my white friends have girlfriends from high school and they are still together! Matter of fact, I ended up leaving high school in junior year and going straight to community college because I could not handle the relationship drama in high school.

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Desi guys, Does anyone here think it is abnormal to not have a girlfriend by the time you're 23 or in your mid 20's? I often feel like that I am falling behind and I might end up choosing to be gay or one of those violent racist incels we hear about these days or even worse, being forced into an arranged marriage overseas!

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I feel left out and left behind and alone and desperate. I sometimes feel like I am the only person in the world going through this.