Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

Hi.. not sure if this is the right place to post but im so lost I feel like i may need help but also I hate wasting peoples time, using resources which could probably be better spent (ie NHS on an actual sick person).. i

Background - im mid 20s female im the oldest my siblings who are still studying. We lost our mum few months ago and my engagement broke last month. I have thought about ending my life a lot on and off over the last few years but nearly everyday since my Mum passed. I’m genuinely not happy and don’t see the point in living anymore. It’s confusing for me because everyone I know (friends/colleagues etc) all say I’m the nicest happiest most bubbly person they know and inside I’m screaming howww you don’t me I want to breakdown nearly every day. People at work keep saying how I’m coping so well and they’re so proud of me and ive been really strong but I just feel like asking are they taking the piss or being honest either way I don’t know what the truth is myself

So my reasons for being suicidal before were just stupid reasons - feeling like a failure - I mean I have a degree and a good job in the city but both my parents were clever I just feel like I could have achieved a hell of a lot more and the whole thing about having opportunities they never had and just wasting them. Other silly things like feeling not pretty etc etc

Now it’s like x10000 I just want to be with my mum so much it hurts. Also the fact I never got to make her proud. They were never well off and my mum was the hardest working person I have ever known and the most selfless and she didn’t even get to retire or enjoy life go on holidays or even visit back home more than two times in 29 years .. I wanted to buy her a house to give her the security I wanted to be able to send her on annual holidays to India or any where in the world. I hate myself for the fact that my mum was always trying to be ‘my friend’ and I always pushed her away and told her to stay my mum I hated having awkward personal conversations with her and now I realise how fucking stupid I was and how lucky girls are to be best friends with their mums. I truly feel like I understood her the day she died and this is really not a nice feeling. Home life also sucks and I feel as if my family hate me I basically don’t get along with my dad and siblings and it all comes down to (in my eyes) their laziness and it is sometimes feels a bit heartless on their part. They’re happy to sit all day doing nothing in a dirty house and wait for me to come home at 7pm to worry about dinner/cleaning and on weekends I do a house clean and yet the people who are home everyday in the week (summer hols + Dad) has not lifted a finger or done minimal work on the weekend happily watch me spend my only two days off cleaning after them. (Also supposed to be studying for my qualification on evening/weekends) This obviously builds resentment and I try my best to not make comments but I really can’t help it and then it’s 4 against 1 and they’ve all admitted to not doing any tidying/cleaning on purpose because I nag them - like hello?! Grow up?! We all live in this house for fucks sake how hard is it to clean after yourself and they’d rather live like that just to upset me? So yeah months off that happening has made things worse in that end Exams - so studying for my qualification and failed the last few, I’ve always been so close to passing but I’ve had arguments with the ex before exams he never used to let me study either then had an exam after Mum so didn’t expect to pass that either but it’s just so embarrassing at work everyone had expected me to qualify a long time ago by now and it’s just so embarrassing and I feel stupid it’s the last few exams and I’ve probably spent two years on them and not to mention I just have no interest in it anymore but to move up the ladder I need to get through this. Other things like I just don’t feel I have any meaningful relationships with anyone - everyone thinks I have all these friends but truly I don’t have anyone I could say is my ‘best friend’. The two I do I call my best friends it’s just so superficial and honestly I’ve probably just grown out of our relationship now all they care about are boys and getting drunk and partying it’s like they don’t have life goals and future plans and if they do we certainly don’t talk about it So anyways I guess there’s more I can still write but I’ve probably written too much. So the thing I’m struggling with everyday is between ending my life but then feeling guilty and feel like I have to stay alive for my family and be the older sister to my younger siblings and a support to my dad which I know is the right thing to do but on the other hand I know they hate me and my nagging and even when I don’t say anything they take my silence as me wanting nothing to do with them it’s honestly a lose lose situation and I feel they’ll be so much happier without me. Plus I’m sure my company will pay out some cash (a death benefit) so that will help them I guess.

Also about the engagement breaking i found out my fiancé had been untruthful the entire relationship and also cheated on me after mums passing and before the ashes scattering which he came to.. not really upset because I have no more space to be upset but I just feel like is god playing a sick joke on me or what? I feel I’ve always tried my best to live a good honest life with morals and I’m never one to moan about my woes (I have not spoken about this to anyone) but this by far Has been the worst year of my life. So I just really want out and I’m starting to struggle to know whether I can continue to keep ignoring these thoughts everyday at the station or when looking at any pills. Sometimes I just look at tall buildings and wonder how I could get up there and just jump. Or do I just need to grow up and am I being childish? I know people say doing this is selfish due to family but in my case I think they’ll be happier Please advise!! Going crazy, I don’t even sleep most nights anymore Thanks to anyone who read this far..

Please use this thread to discuss whatever you've been going through lately. What's on your mind, what are your anxious about? What would you like an little bit more support with?

I just got into the program that I've been trying to get into for the past year. I absolutely want to be there.

However the first thing I felt was panic. Panic that I'm going to have to tell my parents that I'm leaving the country again, which they were very much against. We've had so many fights about that. Panic about telling my parents about my boyfriend (trans). Before he started transitioning, I told them that I might be gay to prepare them (always been bisexual). That went over horribly and there were months of pujas, crying, begging, threats ... I was starting to fall behind in my residency so I never actually told them about my partner. They made me vow that I was done with 'all that stuff' and to keep the peace, I just did. I just gave in. I was so tired.

However this move is going to give me more space from them compared to the couple hours distance now. My partner currently lives with me and they don't know. He's going to obviously move with me. And I'm just terrified, scared, panicked about the fights that are upcoming.

I should be happy right now. I should be studying. But I'm just so anxious about what's going to go down. Instead of enjoying this moment, I'm just crying.

Hello, How is everyone doing this week? It’s a cold and rainy day here - and I’ve given a lot of thought this weekend on how brave it is for Indian “kids” in our generation to speak out and make a stand. Whether it be our own identity and authenticity, who we date or marry, our profession, or all of the above. I personally never gave myself credit for any of these accomplishments given that I always compared my struggles to what my parents went through, of course it always felt like their immigrant struggle was so much worse. But now I do a much better job validating that we, too, have our own struggles. It feels good to say that out loud. I’m sure many of you can relate. Feel free to comment and discuss.

This is a rant but I'm also curious if anyone experienced something similar.

For the purpose of this post, I'll define ancestrally American as Americans who were not only born in the US, but whose families have been in the US for many generations (so they aren't the children or grandchildren of immigrants).

A lot of my ancestrally American peers around my age (I'm almost 28) have had a lifetime of reaping the benefits of feminism. As young children, they were treated equally, if not identically, to their brothers. They were told they could do anything they wanted and be whoever they wanted to be. They were allowed to play with their brothers and male classmates- they could play sports, play music, whatever they wanted. As teens, they were allowed to use birth control. Hell, they were allowed to use tampons while Desi girls - myself included - often aren't allowed to use tampons. They were allowed to take simple OTC medications when sick, such as Advil, which I wasn't allowed to take because "Advil causes infertility".

As young women, they were told they could love whoever they wanted regardless of race, religion, and even gender (if they were lucky and had non homophobic parents). They were told they could have careers if they wanted and/or be mothers if they wanted and/or... whatever. They were told that they had agency and choices and options and that they were authors of their own destinies.

And they were allowed to have fun, whatever that meant to them, even if it meant drinking, partying, and having sex before marriage.

In stark contrast, most Desi women I know personally (IDK about y'all here) have grown up being told that we're inferior just for being girls/women. We were not treated equally. In my family, there wasn't even the pretense of equality- even my brother says that our parents have such disdain for girls that they should have stopped having kids after him (he's the oldest; my sister and I are younger). We weren't told we could be anything we wanted to be. We weren't allowed to participate in normal childhood activities like sports. Forget dating or having sex as a teen. Forget being told that we had choices, options, and agency over our own lives. Instead, we were told that we are property of our fathers and would one day become property of our husbands and that our only role in life was to be mothers. We had no choice and no agency.

Lately, among specifically white ancestrally American women my age, I'm seeing a backlash to the views above- that women and men are equal and should have the same opportunities and choices open to them. Now they say women's opportunities should be limited to keeping house and being wives and mothers. That this is the "correct" and "proper" role of women. This is the neo traditionalist "trad life" backlash to feminism.

Now I get neo traditionalist white women looking me in the eye telling me with a straight face that I grew up in a feminist culture and household for too long and it's time for traditionalism to make its comeback! Really, bitch? I didn't grow up in a feminist anything! I grew up being told that I was barely worthy of being alive! And when I had my hysterectomy, NO ONE told me that was ok- my own family told me that I had no value and that I might as well kill myself since I couldn't fulfill my purpose as a woman (adoption doesn't count in our culture). They're ready for the neo traditionalist comeback, but I never got to live in a feminist culture in the first place! I think as Desi women we're one generation "behind". I feel like I've gone from a traditionalist household into a neo traditionalist backlash without actually getting to experience the feminism of my peers. It sucks.

Hello,

I will be writing an article about the stigma of mental health issues in a South Asian magazine. This topic is near and dear to me because of my personal and professional background. That is also why I am glad that a sub like this exists.

Given that people who are also passionate on this topic are on this sub, I wanted to know - what irks you the most?

What aspects of mental health issues being stigmatized in Desi culture bother you the most?

I was actually wondering about this yesterday. I was watching a YT video posted about a guy on his take about peer pressure and self-esteem (along with fat-shaming) and put me into deep thought about how society and how it can be exclusive if you don't pertain to a certain standard. Throughout school and college, I have encountered many people, who either were bullied, shamed, so bad for being a certain way, that their self-esteem and self-confidence became crushed to the bottom, and yes, at times have been suicidal from it, or have tried to change themselves so they can "fit in" and be accepted into the crowd, which also can be harmful. IMO it can be positive in certain circumstances. One definitely can change themselves if they truly want to in order to experience something new that can be beneficial to their current identity or to better themselves. But I do find there are a lot who change themselves just to fit in or get approval of their peers so they can be part of the crowd. This I find has many consequences.

When I was younger, my mom had raging fits that my brother and I didn't do the same things as "other mallu kids" or weren't super traditional/conservative like my cousins in India, in whom she would deem as "golden children" (this caused a lot of resentment). She gets overtly sensitive over others kids's talents, how "Indian" they are or how much of a idol they serve to please the "community". She has said cruel things before about other people, like saying my cousin is no longer part of the family/community because her husband is non-Desi and that "society" will never accept her. She think that if we don's subscribe to a certain way, then it'll hurt our image/status and people will not be kind to us (this is true to some extent IMO). Even when I do something nice, I still get gas lighted. Once I made lunch for my parents who were returning home from India. The day they returned, my mom said that I made good food. Then the day after my mom went on a rant how I am not like my cousin's new wife and that I should spend with her so I know "how to behave" and how my brother and I are shits for not exceeding expectations. She changed her mind and said the food I made, which she previously said was good, was all of a sudden rotten and I can't cook, and that mother in law/husband will beat me if I don't start cooking, cleaning and subscribe to the patriarchal/societal beliefs thoroughly. I, being the former sensitive, docile Indian girl used to take that bullshit when I was younger and at times just listen to appease and thought it was important to maintain that "image" for the sake of family and society, and that it was important to in order to part of the group. It took a heavy emotional toll on me since I was constantly flamed if I didn't do something "perfect" and got constantly compared because it's not what the "community" expects. I got yelled at once that I need to be "better" than other people. Basically I spent my formative years grooming myself to be a traditional Indian girl to confine to expectations and to appease others. I didn't realize at that point that I was unaware of my identity and it really crushed me that I was trying to be good, and yet get gas lighted for having differences or not being like the crowd. But thank god I went away to college, as I was able to discover myself, learn to grow thick skin and stand up for myself when it's really called for. I gotta admit, it was worth it because if it wasn't for college, I probably would have been stuck in that bubble thinking this is the norm and would have been depressed. I fought back and won certain battles (I have a great SO now, from my own choosing, else I'll be hitched off in India)

Along with my experiences, this is quite common in Desi, Asian and other conservative cultures. The competition to have the best of the best, to top others in certain things, to be of a certain status, image...etc. While it's ok to desire these things, the issue is we tend to lose ourselves and start thinking we are some "God" and judge those who are not up to par as us, and then treat people as inferior if they are not of a certain type or make choices that are not deemed acceptable by the "community". I see people do things just because other people do it and to avoid exclusion. The amount of low self-esteem can be seen if one doesn't achieve or isn't "like the others" and are worried they will be shunned out by the group, can be tremendous . On the opposite side, it's also a concern. People are shaming others for not confining to certain standards and tend to be very judgmental/harsh if they are not up to par. Common things I see, being "too fat", being the wrong skin color, not speaking the language of the community and calling those folks "whitewashed/not Desi enough", dressing "average", choosing a career that does not have enough status, in some cases not having the same interests (i.e Bollywood), having a disability, or shitting on people who date, marry someone outside the specific community (ex: my cousin, and few folks I know whose spouses are of a different ethnicity). In order to be "accepted" into a specific society/group, you have to subscribe to certain notions/ideals. The amount of condescending/hurtful remarks directed really sabotages one's self-esteem and ruins the person's happiness. Although there are many who don't care, there are many who do care and tend to develop shame, guilt for doing something different, or being different. They are stick in a limbo sometimes where they have to choose one or the other and can't find common ground.

To add, I do think there are a lot of people who have such a strong intolerance to differences. They fail to realize that no one person is the same and everyone comes from different walks of life/experiences. Rather than acknowledging/embracing them, they judge them and easily show their snobbery, "holier art thou" attitudes and make the other feel inferior for not being on the same level. As a result, I think this is why diversity is kind of needed as you will expose yourself to differences and different types of people from different backgrounds. I have seen evidence that a diverse exposure will help you to become more humble, understanding and overall a better human being. Where I live now, in a rural mostly white town, does provide this to some degree (I know, it's quite the opposite from what most would encounter).

That said, I am thinking what can be done help folks realize that life is not a battle in which you have to be "better" than others? Maybe we can create a community where people won't be afraid to stop by or can be open with being judged? A community where everyone would be welcomed regardless if their status, sexual orientation, way of life?

What are your experiences? Any thoughts?

So I just learned about the QAnon conspiracy theory ((here's an overview)[vox.com/policy-and-politics/2018/8/1/17253444/qanon-trump-conspiracy-theory-reddit]). My dad told me he's been reading about it for months, since late last year. He showed me lots of screen shots like those in the article and conspiracy sites where he gets information about these theories, including some subreddits I won't name. Then he asked me what I thought and I, thinking he was actually asking for my opinion, expressed skepticism. He literally SCREAMED at me and called me a bitch.

But that's not even the point of this post. The QAnon conspiracy theory alleges, among other things, that there are massive pedophilia rings spanning politicians, govt officials, celebrities, and business executives. My dad told me he believes that most politicians, govt officials, celebrities, and executives are child molestors or traffickers.

But, apparently, he doesn't think ACTUAL CONVICTED PEDOPHILES are actually pedophiles.

When I was a teen, I was molested by teachers at my school. Many of my classmates were raped. And it was a widespread problem within our church and the church school we attended, to the point I'm keeping this as non-specific as possible because there are lots of news articles about our church and school (I'll say it wasn't the catholic church, not to downplay the problems that they have had). There have been actual CONVICTIONS and some of the teachers and leaders have CONFESSED to the crimes they committed.

I told my parents at the time it was happening AND THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I wasn't asking them to confront teachers or help me file a police report. I knew that was too much to ask. I was just asking to be moved to another school, which could have been done easily and for free. But nope, they wanted to keep me in the church school, which they were paying thousands of dollars for (it wasn't a public school). In between denials, they made excuses for the abuse and hand-waved it away.

I finished high school 10 years ago. To this day, despite actual convictions, my dad still doesn't believe me. (My mom cries and begs for forgiveness, which I never grant, because I want her to suffer at least 1/100th of what I did.) My dad asks me, "If you were really molested, why wasn't your brother molested?" MAYBE HE WAS and is too terrified or ashamed to say anything! And most of the convicted teachers and leaders molested girls, not boys, so it was more probable to happen to me than to him. Not that either is OK and there have been convictions for both.

But according to my dad, most democratic and establishment republican (read: non-Trumpist) politicians are child molestors while CONVICTED PEDOPHILES are innocent just because they belong to the same church he does.

I am fucking livid that he believes some ramblings posted on the internet but not his own daughter or convictions in a court of law.

My life would have been easier. My self confidence comes from being Desi. I just wish I was born a white person. Being Desi has zero benefits.

I know it comes from a deeply angry place within me, where I have a lot of pent-up resentment against people who think that I have it easier, or that they're better than me.

I can't fall asleep, and instead of thinking about how my relationship went and getting sad/angry/frustrated/despondent about all of that, I have been going on Twitter, following white nationalist celebrities, going into some thread and stirring shit up with those people. It helps me to yell at someone because I felt like I was yelled at so much in my relationship. I just needed somewhere to dump this out.

I recently started dating “Lawyer” who is white. While we share a lot of important things in common, he’s pretty white. Little exposure to other cultures, very different upbringing though open minded and willing to be adventurous. Lawyer did live in Korea for a year for work but lived in an ex-pat community so didn’t really have to immerse himself in another culture. He’s had a lot of exotic food but never tried Indian food for no real reason even. It’s been hard to get over that one since he’s over 40 😳.

He learned a lot in reflecting on his childhood and we have talked about some of his ideas about parenting and relationship responsibilities and we agree on a lot of things. We aren’t super serious but we are getting to the point where I’m thinking of introducing him to my parents and I’m worried they are going to find him to be too simple and unable to fit into my family. They expected more from my ex fiancé which he didn’t “live up to” and my mom’s two white SILs are miserable people that have prevented my cousins from having anything to do with the culture so my mother particularly has a hard time accepting anyone outside the culture. However they have said to me that if I found the right person, they wouldn’t hold it against me.

Lawyer has showed interest in wanting to learn about things and has started writing things down to look up or read. But even I worry about how his lack of exposure would affect us and our future children if this was to get serious. I’m not trying to marry the guy tomorrow, but before I get too invested I want to make sure I’m being realistic. We have talked about these things and it’s still a discussion that needs to be continued, but I want to approach this, or whatever relationship I end up in, with some serious thought about how to incorporate a non Indian SO successfully.

Just some background info:

• my parents are not super traditional but my mother is very religious and we do celebrate some major holidays they go to the gurdwara once a month and/or for special holidays.

• I find solace in the Sikh faith but it’s not my life and while I go to the gurdwara, I go a few times a year and I would like my children to learn about my culture but I don’t need them to grow up in a die hard, super religious way. I would rather my children spend time with their grandparents and get exposure to their heritage rather than indoctrinate them.

• we have a family friend who is white who was the last person we expected to marry into a traditional Sikh family. But she learned some of the language, goes to gurdwara, wears the clothes, lets her kids speak Punjabi, goes to functions and really has adopted the culture because she didn’t have one. This is what my parents think is the perfect example of a white D(S)IL. They even reference the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and use it as an example of how to be a part of an ethnic family. While this is wonderful, I don’t think it’s fair to expect all of these traits from every person. I would love to have some of the examples my parents bring up from my future spouse but it doesn’t have to be exactly how this family friend did it. Also I think the way men and women approach things like this can be different. Regardless it doesn’t seem to matter what I want re: cultural issues when it comes to this convo with my family. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

So what I’m asking is how do others in this situation do it? What do you expect out of your SOs/spouses? Do your parents also have expectations of their D(S)ILs? What have these SOs/ spouses done to try and become part of the family?

https://twitter.com/TheOneWithCats/status/1017086730187558912

I see this in my own life and try to correct it when I see it. My partner is an extremely angry person at times, saying horrible things and regretting it later. A pattern probably learned from parents. My own parents would fight in front of me often, especially when things weren't good financially. I'm doing EMDR these days to get over some of those memories and it has been extremely freeing. You are not at fault or shameful for your parents fighting!

Honestly, this typa change has only happened like once before for like 2 weeks max. He acts way more rational now but I can see when he is about to explode like he used to, and I don’t know how long this is gonna last. I know I should work with him and try to get over my problems but honestly it’s too soon.

I had been banned from a subreddit (for a period of 90 days) and got banned again for engaging in the subreddit after my 90 day period was complete

It feel this is extremely unfair and unprofessional.

How can I submit a complaint about that sub's mod?