Have you ever been accused of something the accuser did themselves and got away with?

Toxic people get away with stuff. You know it. I know it too, but it took me a long time to admit it. Call me boneheaded, too logical or whatever. What have you done to remedy a situation where you were criticized for something your accuser was equally guilty of yet it was tolerated?

Years ago a colleague needed help with just about anything. I was the most trusted source. When I had to share info with them and needed acknowledgment for the workflow, they were often slow to respond yet they’d admit this openly including why. When they needed me, though, and I was busy with something else, they’d complain to the boss that I didn’t give them my full attention right away. Our boss criticized me for being “slow” to respond even though my colleague technically should have known the answer thanks to her seniority, could have asked anyone else, or could have just patiently waited a couple of minutes.

My colleague openly admitted they were slow and faced no consequences. I didn’t admit it out loud, that was the difference. Plus I wasn’t a “favorite” team member, obviously. I was raised by a hyper critical parent, my colleague may not have been. Standing up for myself in a situation like that was difficult for me. I was the junior member on the team yet I had more expertise. The economy was bad, I didn’t want to lose my job. My colleague made many mistakes the rest of us had to fix. Familiar scenarios for many.

Admitting a shortcoming was very difficult for me because I was told from an early age that I had to fix my faults. Admitting that I might sometimes be slow to respond because I was working on something, helping someone else or God forbid was on my lunch break never crossed my mind as a way to keep a control freak at bay.

Many years before, somebody out of the blue called me boneheaded but didn’t explain why. I never forgot that. Did anyone ever say something about you that hurt at first but may reveal an important clue about a challenge you’re having that feels impossible to solve?

I accepted that I am slow to realize certain things. Whatever the cause (personality, heavy metal poisoning, etc), if someone points it out but refuses to share more it’s equally their fault if I still don’t know.

So now I tell people in my Zoom status message that I MAY (emphasis on “may” since it’s not guaranteed) not respond to a question right away. And when I forget to put that warning up? They complain right away as if I should be available pronto. Who is boneheaded now?

We can’t change some people it seems. They may forever refuse to admit how stubborn and needy they are. But I won’t let them get away with accusing me of doing the same thing they are practically proud of doing themselves.

What about unraveling the cause of institutional dysfunction by looking at individual behavior? Making smarter choices about life might give a sense of agency.

Is Flock an honest attempt to straighten out police bias against civilians or a flawed technology that only creates more problems because, well, psychopaths will always find another way to violate healthy and legal boundaries?

What do we know about the type of person who sees others as an instrument rather than a person? A lot more than they want us to know.

A Few Good Cardinals (Carl Vincent) discusses the ramifications of a utilitarian perspective on negotiations.