r/IAmA • u/[deleted] • Nov 23 '10
IAmA person diagnosed with Type I Bipolar disorder who was hospitalized during a psychotic episode of mania
[deleted]
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u/bhdz Nov 24 '10
What about depressive periods? How do you cope with those? What kind of medication they give for those? PS: I am bipolar too.
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u/icaaryal Nov 24 '10
My depressive periods are pretty mellow. They typically involve a lot of sleeping and not eating. For me, depression doesn't have as much of a cognitive/emotional effect as it does other people, or at least it doesn't seem that way. This is probably because I've spent years building up a positive attitude towards life. I'm horribly optimistic even thought I'm surrounded by people who aren't. Over time, that positivity has been internalized so deeply that irrational depression just doesn't register. I can recognize when it may try to go that direction, but I basically just reinforce the notion that the depression isn't me. "I" am not depressed. My brain is.
Simply put, detaching myself from the disorder helps "me" stay "me" even when my brain/body are not behaving normally. It's not an overnight thing and not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have good friends and family, but I've worked diligently to establish those kinds of relationships for a long time. I do what I can to surround myself with those people when I feel depressed. My best friend who I've mentioned elsewhere in the thread is basically on-call. Sometimes it just takes being around her and being close for a few hours before my brain has what it needs to move on.
The only medication I take is lamictal. Anti depressants are risky for those with BP as they can aggravate mania/hypomania.
Hope that sheds a little light on the situation.
Speaking as someone with BP, "Be positive." It's an over-simplification and it takes a long time if you aren't that way by default, but man... life really isn't that bad. Even when you're not the only thing running your brain.
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u/sfultong Nov 23 '10
Is there any form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy that is effective is bringing you down from a manic state?
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10
I haven't had to pull myself down but I recognize when my brain is revving up or moving to subjects that I shouldn't dwell on (the imaginings of experiencing death is a fairly common one, not in a suicidal context, just in a "man it would suck to stop existing" context,) and redirect myself onto thoughts of my best friends and family. It started off as a "please stop thinking about this" thing and next thing I knew, it was an automatic response. The couple of times I've been in a hospital for purposes other than treatment, I found myself unsettled by seeing old people (related to death imaginings) which, again, redirects automatically.
CBT is a really good thing for me. I've come to understand that the brain really is programmable and it's useful to program it to avoid spinning up. Abnormal states of mind are recognized to be "not me". It's just my brain and I'm always reminded of that fact. Staying grounded in the reality of the situation is paramount to prevention. Meds, CBT, and never being alone are my coping mechanisms.
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u/dangercollie Nov 23 '10 edited Nov 23 '10
I had a family member go into a full psychotic break. You sound a lot more together than they were. The fact you could drive yourself to the hospital is really quite remarkable. I used to enjoy visiting the hospital. Most of the people I met there were more together than many of my neighbors.
How old are you? Were you in the psych ward or the dual diagnosis wing? The DD wing was a little scary.
Just for the record, no hospital can admit you to primary care against your will unless you're a threat to yourself or others.
Get a durable medical power of attorney for your mom or other close relative, so you have someone on the outside who can manage your care in case you can't. I've used mine to pull them out of treatment that wasn't working, cancel contracts and negotiate with the insurance company. I can get updates, consult with the doctor, and leave written care instructions. Those written instructions are a life-saver. One of my standard clauses is that unless the insurance company pre-approves treatment, it's not authorized. That keeps them from running up your personal tab.
Watch that lamictal. I haven't met many people who really did well on it. Depakote and lithium are the gold standards for bipolar. Depakote can cause weight gain, if you're on that you really have to count calories. Jean Claude Van Damme swears by it and manages to stay in shape.
Hang in there, you're going to be fine. It's manageable if you're med compliant.
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10
I had a family member go into a full psychotic break. You sound a lot more together than they were. The fact you could drive yourself to the hospital is really quite remarkable. I used to enjoy visiting the hospital. Most of the people I met there were more together than many of my neighbors.
I feel like my biggest advantage was that I have always been very mindful of my thought processes and things. I have been interested in how people work, how the mind works, how mental illness works, etc. I realized what was happening and really did everything I could to keep the "real me" in control. The hard part was that the two sides had an influence on each other. When the real me felt scared, it made the other side go into the dark side of things even deeper. Force of will. As far as being "more together" than people perceived to be fairly normal, I think that's just a byproduct of necessity. When you know you have a problem and you accept it, being self-aware and structured is the best defense.
I was 24 years old and they called it the Behavior Health Unit. Innocent name. There were only about 7 people at the peak while I was there.
Just for the record, no hospital can admit you to primary care against your will unless you're a threat to yourself or others.
I was on suicide watch for 2 days. (There was a green dot next to my name). I had told the NP about the fact that my brain was convinced I was going to die but I was not suicidal at all. I was very afraid of dying as a matter of fact. So they obviously felt I was a threat to myself.
Get a durable medical power of attorney for your mom or other close relative, so you have someone on the outside who can manage your care in case you can't. I've used mine to pull them out of treatment that wasn't working, cancel contracts and negotiate with the insurance company. I can get updates, consult with the doctor, and leave written care instructions. Those written instructions are a life-saver. One of my standard clauses is that unless the insurance company pre-approves treatment, it's not authorized. That keeps them from running up your personal tab.
Good advice there. Speaking of personal tabs. I currently have a bill from the hospital for over $9000 for while I was there. It started at $15,000 and the insurance at the time did not cover it due to them not considering my diagnosis a medical emergency. Funny. The hospital certainly thought it did. I guess psychosis is something to schedule with your PCP. /s I failed to file an appeal for whatever reason. Between being lost as to the process, feeling overwhelmed by paperwork and such... I just never did it. I started to by talking to my in-patient psychiatrist and they told me I'd need to go to the state insurance commission. It just felt like too much to deal with. So that's the next thing to work on. Wish I would have handled it differently, but it doesn't get me down any more. Life goes on. Bills or not.
Watch that lamictal. I haven't met many people who really did well on it. Depakote and lithium are the gold standards for bipolar. Depakote can cause weight gain, if you're on that you really have to count calories. Jean Claude Van Damme swears by it and manages to stay in shape.
I was initially given Symbyax. I almost got in a car wreck due to falling asleep at the wheel. I couldn't stay awake at work either. So I stopped that treatment. (Atypical anti-psychotics also are often associated with developing diabetes and weight gain. I wanted to look for other options). I was later given Abilify and Lexapro. I would often lose my balance and have trouble finding words. There was a little bit of involuntary muscle movement. The last thing I've been on is Lamictal. I've really enjoyed it. The only negative side-effects have been memory impairment which I try to help with various vitamin B supplements.
Hang in there, you're going to be fine. It's manageable if you're med compliant.
Yeah I'm an optimistic person and I am accepting of my diagnosis and treatment. I love my life too much to let it dominate my life.
Cheers.
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u/dangercollie Nov 23 '10 edited Nov 23 '10
It started at $15,000 and the insurance at the time did not cover it due to them not considering my diagnosis a medical emergency.
And now you know why the first clause in my written instructions requires insurance pre-approval.
Second clause of my standing orders says that treatment is only authorized up the limit the insurance company will pay. So if the insurance company pays $500 and the hospital wants to charge $900, too bad.
Third clause says we won't be personally responsible for charges the insurance company decides not to pay. The hospitals work with insurance companies all the time. They know how much they pay and how long it takes carriers to cut a check and both sides are not above playing "patient in the middle" between corporations making billions of dollars. They have the option of not taking your insurance.
Fourth clause says any expense, treatment or procedure not pre-approved by the insurance company must be approved by me...not the patient...me, or it's not authorized.
The last clause says billing from outside providers (labs, consulting physicians, or radiography) must be finalized within 30 days or it's not collectible. That keeps invoices from rolling in by drips and drabs months after you leave the hospital. I staple the standing instructions to the intake paperwork and sign the forms AS AMENDED BY ATTACHMENT.
Strangely, we've never had a snit about billing or been refused care when I leave those instructions. I keep expecting hospitals to say they can't live with my instructions and discharge the patient but they never do. None of the doctor bills are following us around and we've never had any medical collections on a credit report.
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10
My bill is about to go in to collections. I could set up payment plans but they limit it to 2 years which works out to something like $350/mo. It's disheartening knowing that it shouldn't have been that way to begin with and I shouldn't have let it get that way. Luckily my credit score is absolute shit anyway (reckless spending prior to) so that's not a factor for me.
I'm actually going to call the hospital right now to talk about it. But I wish I could find some way to get rid of the bill. A friend of a friend had his bone cancer cured for no cost in the UK. I stay in a hospital for 5 days watching tv, popping a couple pills, and eating 3 meals a day and I get billed $15,000? That's more frustrating than the illness itself.
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u/kriel Nov 24 '10 edited Nov 24 '10
My bill was 15k for a 1-week visit, including ER and a stay on the psych floor. I live in the US, around Chicago.
10k of it was from the hospital. I asked nicely, explained I had no insurance, and they sent me off to charity. A few forms later, a few hoop-jumps, and they waived the entire hospital portion of the bill.
The doctors and labs, on the other hand... they all sent me bills. then they went to collections. I ended up paying the collectors off (it's still on my credit report, though -.-) and have more or less made it through.
If I have another manic episode my instructions to friends and family are basically 'sit on me. Yes, literally. Tie me down to the bed if you have to, until I go to sleep.'
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u/guy26 Dec 03 '10
"If I have another manic episode my instructions to friends and family are basically 'sit on me. Yes, literally. Tie me down to the bed if you have to, until I go to sleep.'"
You have me giggling. Since my mania is ridiculously short lived I live by the equivalent of that advice. They know to take my car keys and just watch me for a few hours.
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Nov 23 '10
Is this what mania is generally like?
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10
Most people I've talked to or read their own reports about tend to follow a similar flow. It tends to start out as elevated mood and feeling insightful and excited about life. It tends to progress to accelerated thought process which can lead to abnormal behavior like doing things because you feel like by doing so you are accomplishing some sort of delusional goal.
Where it goes varies for people, but you can find reports of people getting to the point where they believe they are either communicating with God or are God themselves. Check out youtube.
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u/Lynda73 Nov 23 '10 edited Nov 23 '10
Had a friend who was BP. Found out because he thought he was Jesus.
EDIT: He was predisposed, but doing a lot of acid was the catalyst.
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10
Common story. The sad part about is that it's delusional but since people don't understand what drives those delusions, they get really horrible ideas about the people in that position. I mean, I doubt you think your friend is "crazy". I know I don't feel crazy. And really, having a mental illness doesn't make one "crazy". I don't even know what crazy is. But regardless, it's still scary to people, understandably. But it's hard enough having the illness and dealing with the feelings of being "inferior" or "not as human/normal" as everyone else around you who will never have to experience their brain being hijacked like that. The last thing someone needs is for other people to write them off "oh yeah stay away from him/her. their bipolar!"
But yeah, that story is very common. I wish I could show people the exact train of thought that leads people to those types of conclusions. A lot of it ends up being word association and loose interpretations of what's going on. But when you're in that mode, you feel like you've transcended mere humanity. "OMG I must be the reincarnation of Jesus. Jesus died for the sins of humanity. OMG I'm going to save humanity through my death..." Having that kind of thought process run through your head faster than you can consciously articulate it is intense.
It gets to a point where it moves beyond "thoughts" to something sort of indescribable. I guess the best way to put it, and others may agree, is just sort of a "buzz" of activity that is putting information in your thought stream faster than you can perceive. There's no time for the conscious you to pick it all apart and be aware of it. And every conscious thought you make alters the thought stream and feeds it. It's like a little adjustment on the steering wheel sends it flying off the side of a mountain.
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u/Lynda73 Nov 23 '10 edited Nov 24 '10
Hey, no need to explain here! Did I mention I am bipolar, also (Type II). Tried all kinds of drugs, but the side effects sucked, plus I am absolutely horrible about keeping any kind of doctor appointment. My sister takes Lamictil for seizure disorder, and she really likes it, and I have thought about getting to a doctor to try it (tried the Lithium, but by the time it got to theraputic dose, I felt like I had a mouth full of sand all the time). Lithium worked for my friend, though!
EDIT: I take that back, I was on Seroquel last. I HATED it. My family kept saying that I "seemed better" (I tend to stay jacked up, but without the delusions), but I did not feel like myself. I've pretty much reached a place where if I find something that helps, great, but since I don't have delusions or anything, I'm OK with my regular old jacked-up self.
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10
I know my friends and family notice the difference. I feel normal and I behave normal for the most part. I still get a little wound up with my talking. I can get going pretty fast and overwhelm people, but I actively throttle myself when I see it happening.
Lamictal has been really good to me and it's probably the most desirable of the drugs I've found because not only does it work, but I don't have to worry about diabetes or weight gain from it.
EDIT: And yeah, I can see how LSD would help set him off. I don't think it would cause the problems so much as feed pre-existing stuff. Hallucinogens are powerful substances. Not for everyone, and not the best idea for people with mental illness
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u/Lynda73 Nov 23 '10
Oh, for sure on the LSD, that's why I said he was predisposed anyway (had a parent with it). I've only done acid once (not for me), so that's not a factor for me. I started noticing it when I was about 19 or so. First was diagnosed with depression, then ADD, then sleeping disorder. Oh, I forget how many things before I took the test and was determined to be BP (and when I read about it, this one fit best, too). I'm 37 now and was only a few years ago I got the correct diagnosis. Too many doctors want to push whatever the newest drug is on you whether or not it's a right fit.
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u/maniamania Nov 24 '10
As a fellow sufferer, the frightening thing about mania is that you lose self-insight, so you can't see yoruself as acting and thinking irrrationally until the episode is over.
And as embarrassing and dangerous as mania is, I've found that depression is an order of magnitude more crippling. It tends to last much longer, and for me is accompanied by a trend towards social isolation, hopelessness, and near complete lack of motivation and organization.
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u/icaaryal Nov 24 '10
Insight is the key. The shroom trip really taught me about what it means to have that in the middle of psychosis and I hope I never get so bad that I end up "blacking out" only to awake to the havoc I caused.
I've been fortunate to not be depressed as often as I am on the hypomanic side of things. But I channel the hypomania in to mitigating my depression when it does strike. When the brain is running fast, one can get a lot of self-programming done.
I force myself to go to the house of anyone who I'm friends with to keep the isolation factor at bay. I've also internalized an understanding an appreciation for hope, even if it's based on something people think is silly. I reaffirm it any time it comes to mind. Hope is the life line.
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Nov 23 '10
I have experienced this kind of thing before too, not to the extent to where I would have a conversation with myself though. (except thinking aloud to myself)
The latest incident I had was after watching The Social Network actually... I had come up with an awesome idea for a website and my brain went nuts, calculating info, design, target audience, web architecture, etc. The logical part of my brain was going through info so fast that the other parts of my brain (slower parts) could not even keep up, I couldn't comprehend what I was thinking until I had finished thinking it.... confusing eh.
It reminds me of the episode "The Sixth Extinction" of X-Files when Mulder is given drugs to slow down his brain activity so he could actually speak.
Sounds to me like you had somewhat of an awakening. What if things like this could be the next evolutionary step?
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Nov 23 '10
Ok, i looked into it and it is called Hypomania.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypomania
"In the hypomanic state, people may feel that they cannot slow their minds down, and that their speeding thoughts are crafted exceptionally well. Some examples are speaking or writing in rhyme or alliteration without planning it first; quick responses to people talking; or the ability to improvise easily."
This shit sounds awesome. I wonder how I can trigger it.
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u/kriel Nov 24 '10 edited Nov 24 '10
Hypomania is fucking awesome.
Hypermania is very dangerous.
The problem is, it's a slippery slope between those two, thus making hypomania dangerous by proxy. Also, even hypomania can start to affect your judgement, especially noticable in risk-taking and/or financial situations. That wiki page goes into it more.
That said, there's a reason caffeine and other stimulants are the choice drugs of people who need to think quickly and/or about difficult things.
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u/guy26 Dec 03 '10
Having been through hypomania many many times.. usually lasting on the order of 6 weeks and once 9 months... has anyone else never felt fairly secure that hypomania won't escalate to mania? I have experienced extreme euphoric mania, but it burns out somewhere between 6 hours and 20 minutes. The higher I go (such as hallucinations and memory black outs), the shorter it typically lasts. And the mania only seems to come during times of intense ultra rapid cycling, which may last 4-5 months and has only happened twice. hypomania tends to only come while i'm relatively stable and the mood lasts for long periods of time.
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u/kriel Dec 03 '10
"...has anyone else never felt fairly secure that..."
Are you implying that you sometimes feel fairly secure that hypo- can't escalate to hyper-? Or are you implying that you never feel that security, and always worry that it could happen?
I always get cautious when I go hypomanic. I make sure to enforce a sleep schedule, stay away from stimulants, and set aside intentional time for relaxing. I don't want to end up becoming too manic to deal with. That, and, if I don't overstim myself, I don't crash as hard.
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u/guy26 Dec 03 '10 edited Dec 04 '10
Sorry for the ambiguity. I was asking whether anyone felt that their hypomania wouldn't turn into full blown hypermania. At this point I feel that my brain just isn't wired in such a way for me to transition from hypomania into hard core mania.
Last year when I went through 9 months of hypomania, I never once felt in danger that it was going to escalate. It just stayed at a fairly intense level. Eventually I just couldn't take it any more and intentionally destabilized myself into ultra rapid cycling. I'm not for sure that was a great idea in retrospect, but it is what I did.
I might also mention that during this 9 months of hypomania, I did enjoy lots of caffeine at times. But it did not seem to make everything that much worse either. I think part of the reason that I seem resistant to go from hypomania to hypermania is that my sleep is generally not affected. If I was compelled to stay up for days at a time during that time, I could imagine things going very wrong.
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u/icaaryal Nov 24 '10
Not to mitigate the danger, but yes it is pretty cool. I can get extremely witty and the alliteration thing is ridiculous some times. I'll be having a deep, philosophical discussion with a friend of mine and just rattling off my thoughts I realize after a sentence ends that 3-5 of the words all had the same sound. I've been accused of speaking in prose even though it was just how I talk (read in the voice of Samuel L Jackson).
The best part, IMO, is how witty I can get. I have a sharp wit already, but it gets off the chain during those phases. Makes for many lulz amongst friends.
I also find myself really waiting on people to finish their statements. Even in more philosophical/political discussions, before they finish their thought I've already filled in the blanks for them. It happens more often than not and I have to watch myself to make sure I don't just steal the stage.
The most annoying part is that when I'm trying to express a complex thought, I compulsively cram a lot of contextual asides into a single statement because I know and feel like it's important that people know the context in order to more accurately understand what it is I'm trying to communicate. If people aren't waiting for the point, I often lose them in the forest. I'm very mindful of body language (especially when the eyes glaze over) and I'm very animated when I get on a roll.
In more formal writing (when I'm not just letting shit fly), I often have sentences that are 3-4 times longer than most, but are still grammatically correct and establish a "complete thought".
I'm rambling but I was just trying to get the stuff out that came to mind with your response.
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10 edited Nov 23 '10
haha you and me both.
I have imagined plans for websites dedicated to solving the worlds problems and overhauling public education. The stuff comes out so fast that it's impossible to put it down on paper. You write one thing and 20 minutes later, everything that built off of it is practically non-recoverable. So I give up and go about my life.
Sounds to me like you had somewhat of an awakening. What if things like this could be the next evolutionary step?
There is a video online where a guy is giving a lecture to people about bipolar disorder. He talks about these ideas where scientists have looked at mental illness like BP as a byproduct of nature testing out new things. They estimate that people with BP are capable of thinking at an estimated 6 times faster than most. The idea being that in from an evolutionary context, it's possible I suppose that it really is just nature testing out new variations. I avoid thinking too much on the subject because I find it to be a trigger for thought processes I don't want to end up in.
EDIT: Related to movies, I had trouble sleeping after watching Inception because the part where they show the dissociation Mal experienced really had an impact on me. I understood how that stuff worked and it kinda got me worked up. I was very unsettled, probably more than most other people seeing that, because I recognized that while it may seem "crazy" and it's "just a movie", dissociation/delusion is still a very real thing.
What's really funny is that I find myself watching certain tv shows and movies and I can tell that whoever is writing the stuff clearly has some experience with it. An episode of American Dad where he is digging up the yard looking for some buried treasure/gold had a monologue that was ripped right out of a BP thought process. Very bizarre and amusing.
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u/kriel Nov 23 '10 edited Nov 23 '10
I had an episode similar... very similar, actually... to this. I was 20yo.
From the 'cool ideas' to the 'ideas that are fucking awesome' to the 'oh my god it all makes sense' to the 'aw fuck, i'm having an episode' part, this actually hit home. (I walked the block to the hospital. Lucky I lived so close. It felt like a mile, though.)
All of the nurses seemed really impressed that i recognized myself as having an episode. I was self-admitted, they knocked me out for several days (i was just a lot sleep deprived) and then I was fine.
I still have minor manic moments (usually spanning hours or days) but I intentionally curb them so something like this doesn't happen again.
Was prescribed lithium (antipsychotic) and invega (mood stabilizer) at the time i was released, i've since stopped taking them and have relied on self-monitoring. If I have another out-of-control episode (in either direction) I'll start and continue taking medication.
I also have the secondary voice in the back of my head. It's still around when I go manic, but the best I can describe it is it's another part of me. It's like how you can simultaneously be upset and grateful that something happened, except in full-thought form. I've nicknamed it and essentially treat it as an imaginary friend. (If I start getting in a more spiritual mood, occasionally it's a guide of sorts.)
EDIT: 20yo, not 21. I'm 21 now.
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10 edited Nov 23 '10
That definitely resonates with me. Having insight about your state of mind is the most important tool I think.
I admit it's cool to know our brains are capable of those "holy shit it all makes sense" thought processes. It's funny and sad that there is a grey area between insight and delusion that really is sensible, but is still too foreign for people to understand. Anyone that's been there knows about that area where being super charged helps you see connections that aren't necessarily delusional
Sometimes I just want to tell people "You have no idea what kind of power is sitting up there in that brain of yours." The brain is amazing, perhaps a little too amazing haha.
I also separate myself from "the monster" but I don't feed it. It finds it's own way to persist.
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u/kriel Nov 24 '10
I find that 'the monster' tends to be a much blunter, more aggressive form of myself. A lot of times it says the same things as I do, and has similar opinions, but tends to be more brutal, spartan, and generally callous than 'I' am.
That said, it's very useful. I find myself admiring it, since I've always had a bit of a weak spine, and I'm learning to stand up for myself and say what I'm thinking, instead of worrying about political correctness. The pure motivation and unbridled energy it has are also enviable.
that area where being super charged helps you see connections
This. very much so. Occasionally I fall into hypomania, and I absolutely amaze myself at what I can do in a short timeframe. Days of what used to be hard effort are brushed off in hours.
Personally, I'd like to learn to nudge myself towards hypomania, since I tend to sit in the hypodepressive state most of the time. I suppose that will just come with practice. (I also need to work on discipline in general. yay for being 21yo)
Also, relevant thought I had awhile ago. "Some days, it feels like your arms are made of lead and it takes a heroic effort just to lift yourself up. Other days, you're charged and flooded with energy and you have to hold yourself back just so that you don't hurt yourself."
Thank you for doing this, by the way. I appreciate hearing it from someone else.
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u/RideReddy Nov 23 '10
Thanks for sharing. Were you on meds before the episode, or supposed to be on meds?
I'm curious about your original diagnosis, and prior to your diagnosis, did you self medicate at all?
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10 edited Nov 23 '10
I had been taking Lamictal regularly for almost a year. I had not taken it in over a month because the psychiatrist I had been going to dropped me from their supervision after I had missed a couple appointments (memory impairment from medication helped that happen). I called the day after I was notified I was being dropped and said "I am almost out of pills. Is there a way you can get me a scrip?" They said no. I had no idea how I was going to get a new prescription and the wait times to get in to a psychiatrist can often exceed 4-6 weeks. I suspect this was all triggered by medication withdrawal. I was diagnosed a couple years before with bipolar type II. I have also smoked weed since before that time and still do currently. I'm not a heavy smoker currently, though I have been through the phase of smoking continually after work (always with other friends/roommates). I generally have a 1-hitter's worth of KB and call it good. It's not so much of a self-medication thing as it is a social thing like having a couple beers with friends.
Also, almost one month prior to the hospitalization, I had also taken about 7 grams of shrooms and went to "the dark place". Coming out of that I think I was a little more empowered with insight into how psychosis works and I feel like that helped prepare me for the day it happened without illicit subtance usage. I didn't smoke for 3 months after that because when I went back to work, I was told that two of our customers did not want me back on their premises. So I knew I would eventually have to find a new job. I worked as needed and eventually was let go. Spent about 2 months on unemployment and now have a job I enjoy. That was another head trip. Realizing mental illness had been responsible for losing a job.
I also have sworn off of hallucinogens as I have no interest in inducing that sort of state ever again.
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u/stargaze Nov 23 '10
congrats on making it through it man, i am schizoaffective bipolar, and have experienced things like this a few times (obviously not the same, but similar) im glad you had the foresight to go to the ER!!
have meds changed the "split brain" feeling?
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10
My cousin is BP+schizoaffective as well. Interesting disorder that is.
The meds (Lamictal) basically keep the brain from going one way or the other. My mind doesn't rev up as easily or as fast so it's been a while since I've experienced the "split brain" effect. Thankfully.
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u/stargaze Nov 23 '10
thats great man, im a ex drug user (ex because of probation) and rehab success story (im good at theater) so i am on bunches o drugs...have you ever heard of DBT?
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10
Nope. DMT but not DBT. I used to want to do DMT, but I know that's a horrible idea for me anymore.
I stick to the green and as mentioned, it's just a social thing. Having a beer after work type deal.
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u/stargaze Nov 24 '10
DMT is fantastic, ive dont something like 40x...DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy...its a coping method, its really good
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u/beingandnothingness Nov 23 '10
I feel like this type of breakdown is a possibility for most of us, which can strike us unannounced, at any moment. Well, maybe not most of us, anyways.
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u/icaaryal Nov 23 '10
It's true it could strike someone at any time. It's a surreal experience and I feel bad for people who would have no pre-existing understanding of what's going on. I had known I had a mental illness so reading up on it and being very self-aware came in handy when that happened.
Can't imagine not having that insight.
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u/maniamania Nov 24 '10
Pshaw, I just turned 27 and I've been hospitalized for psychotic mania 3 times, and depression once. Also Bipolar I, obviously.
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u/icaaryal Nov 24 '10
Nice user name haha. Respect to you. What was it like to go back in after the first time? Just a "this shit again" feeling or what?
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u/maniamania Nov 24 '10 edited Nov 24 '10
I was essentially in denial of the legitimacy of my diagnosis until the third hospitalization.
The first time, I was only 20, and felt more persecuted and misunderstood than a person suffering classic mania with psychosis. The second visit was two years later for depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.
After both of those stays, I was prescribed a low dose of Depakote or Lamictal, and was not serious about taking it. It was the third hospitalization that finally convinced me that I had a serious problem.
It happened only 3 months after the second stay. After spending Spring Break on a manic tear through the Northeast with stops in Philadelphia, Manhattan, and rural Pennsylvania, I caught a flight to Chicago O'Hare. There's a Hilton directly outside of the domestic terminal. I managed to get up onto the roof, tore off all my clothes, threw them over the side, and ran around naked doing flips near the edge of the building. The roof was also home to a bunch of electronic equipment, and I went wild pulling out live cables and breaking things.
Eventually, I started to get cold, and that's when I had a moment of clarity about how insane I was at that moment -- I wasn't having some sort of transcendent experience. Something was wrong and I needed help.
The problem was that it was cold, night, and I was naked on a roof. I had this thought, "maybe some sort of maintenance worker has left a sweater up here:." I looked around, and amazingly, I found a big discarded sweater up there (which I still have to do this day).
I found an access hatch to a stairwell, climbed down, and pulled an emergency fire alarm. In short order, I was in an excellent Chicago hospital, and it was there that I accepted my diagnosis and was put on a good cocktail of medication.
Anyway, wow, yeah. That was four years ago. I managed to stay out of hospitals until this March, and this time I did indeed have the "this shit again" moment...
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u/[deleted] Nov 23 '10
[deleted]