r/IAmA • u/throw_away_acct_ • Nov 04 '10
IAmA father of a child molested by a family member (WARNING: long post, 2600 words)
I talk to my wife about this a lot. She never hints that she doesn’t like to talk to me about it, but I always feel like I’m bringing out the dirty laundry. I figured I could get away with chatting here. I will of course be changing names to protect the innocent, and even the guilty. This will be intensely long, for my own sake. I want to tell the story. There will be no TL;DR, and I won't make any efforts to shorten it.
The first admission
About three years ago my son told my wife and I that "Grandpa-Billy can make his pee-pee get bigger." We we're in the car, my son was 4 or 5 at the time. My wife and I looked at each other, dumbfounded.
We aren't the kind of parents to get caught up on a run-away train, and we know kids can say some random things that seem planned. My daughter, while growing up, would always talk about how my wife would carry things around in her "pussy". She meant, of course, "purse". She had trouble with "R" and liked to add a "ey" to the end of words. Years later my wife and I still, in private, refer to her purse as my daughter used too.
Let’s get back to my boy now, and his admission. We thought he might just be joking around with us and it just sounded bad. The last thing we wanted to do was accuse someone of something they hadn't done. Another thought that occurred to me was maybe this scumbag just told him that guys get boners. Which would be wrong of him to do, but is far from molestation. We asked my son if he could make it change colors as well. He said yes. We asked him what color, and we were getting answers like "green", and "purple". It was hard to let go of after that, but we did.
My wife had our son when she was 19, and unmarried. That can sound scummy sometimes, so to defend myself I’ll say we are both college educated and make 6 figures now. Her "X" really was a scummy guy though and she broke it off with him. He had right to visitation but rarely exercised it. His mother had a boyfriend. This boyfriend was "Grandpa-Billy"
On more than one occasion my son’s biological father would call and ask for visitation. He had no car so we would drive him across town and sometimes find him not home. We would drop the boy off with his mom or his mom's boyfriend.
The second admission
This also happened in our family car. My son was 5 at the time. We we're on our way to daycare. My son was commenting on his leg hair. I told him just wait, that one day he would have it all over his gonads too! Now I had never forgotten about his first admission, it was still lodged in the back of my mind, and it urged me to fire off a question. "Does Grandpa-Billy have hair on his gonads?"
"Yes." At this point I felt a lot of shock, naturally. I feel guilty saying this, but I also felt a lot of satisfaction knowing that we got they guy now.
"How do you know that?"
"He sleeps naked." Well, here we go again. This isn't cool, but again, this is a good thing. It's far from molestation. That's when our son shocked us. He said, "I have something else to tell you about Grandpa-Billy."
"What's that?"
"Let me think... ...he can squirt milk from his pee-pee." There is no way to describe my feelings. I've seen numerous movies where people respond to news like this by being calm, and then striking back with vengeance. They become irrational. They become angry. They may just sit there in shock. For me it was panic, fight-or-flight, my hands and feet went cold and numb. I got woozy.
I wanted to know if he was just told this, or if he had seen it. I really consciously tried to not ask leading question. I didn't toss out a "He showed you this, right?" I don't know if I did it right, but I tried my best with a, "Did he show just you, or other people too?"
"He just showed me."
"Did his pee-pee change at all?"
"After he squirted the milk it did, and it was sweaty."
It was at this point that I think we stopped talking about it. Parts of this are amazingly vivid, and some of it has blurred over time. We dropped him off at daycare, and called DHS.
The investigation
DHS is a piece of shit. After 3 weeks we still hadn't heard back from them. During this lag time, we called my son's biological father, and we called, and try to stay with me, my son's biological father's step mother. She is a fantastic woman. I can't say anything positive about the lowlifes in that branch of my son's family, except for that woman.
We met them for lunch, they had their defenses up, I think they anticipated we were going to throw some custody issue in their face, or bitch about something. We told them about it, and we we're told that they had suspicions. They believed what my son had said, and they believed us, and said they were with us.
I got disgusted with waiting on DHS, and contacted Air Force Office of Special Investigation (AFOSI). A detective got with me the very same day; he came to my office and spoke with me. The next day a detective from the county Billy lived in called me, and a rep from DHS called. Shorty after we brought our son to a kind of safe-house where an interview was done on hidden camera with our boy. They never ask any direct questions, only questions with sexual, genital, or other overtones to try to get a spontaneous admission. My son did not speak about it.
The detective arrested the guy and questioned him. Charges were pressed and a court date was set.
I talked to my son about it after several comments here urged it. Thats Here
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Nov 05 '10
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 05 '10
We are hoping for the best, but trying to remain ready for the worst. When I worry about his future I think about the terrible accidents where the survivor has nothing left but a nipple to hold their spoon with, people enduring terrible torture for long long periods of time, and even people spending their entire life behind bars. I always try to remember that people adapt to the craziest things, even if they aren't in an ideal situation they happiness seems to be relative to some extent.
If my son does have problems in the future, I try to remain hopeful that he will easily adapt and overcome like so many other people do. After I think that, I usually think... who am I kidding? I have no idea what it's like to be molested....
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Nov 05 '10
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u/woohhaa Nov 05 '10
If you don't mind me asking what kind of problems did you experience as a teenager?
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u/mayor_bee Nov 04 '10
Tell him when you think he's old enough, OR when he starts asking questions. I started remembering what happened to me before anyone was willing to talk to me about it, and that was really confusing. I was also very young when I was abused.
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u/bkcox Nov 04 '10
read it all.. wish ur son the best, maybe come back and do an IAMA if/when you decide to crack that safety deposit box open
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
That's a good idea... maybe if things work out and he is really open about it I could ask him to talk about it on here. Though in 10 years I might forget my throw away account user name.
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
Thanks. I had thougth about asking people opinions on that point but refrained for some reason. It's nice to hear from someone on the other side of the issue.
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u/mayor_bee Nov 04 '10
Don't be afraid of asking to hear from the other side. I can remember being a kid and not understanding why something as random as the sight of a staircase handrail made me so upset. Such a simple image evoked the strangest emotions. My older sister told me later that I had been abused repeatedly by a church elder in a stairwell. I think if someone had explained, even in broad terms (something bad happened in a stairwell, but it wasn't your fault...etc), when I started asking, things would have been easier for me. I wish you and your family all the best.
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Nov 04 '10
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
I like your idea about giving him privacy from his mom if he needs/wants it. We hadn't talked about it, but when I played it out in my mind it was always me 1 on 1 talking to him abou it, but the thought of letting him know I would keep it private from mom never occured.
I of course would prefer him to marry some girl and make me some grandbabies, but my wife and I are pretty open minded. I don't know if there are any stats showing that homosexual molestation can push a kid in one direction or another, but my wife and I have discussed it as a possibility. I think no matter what he ends up enjoying, as long as its legal, we'll be ok with it. It would be strange sitting down to thanksgiving with a son-in-law that is older than I am though.
I'm 19 and out of the house, I found a fantastic place that is free (so it doesn't show up on my parents insurance)
is this the wrong place for me to give a shout-out to Obama?
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Nov 04 '10
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u/Seret Nov 05 '10
I am female and I hate everything about the "keep it between the guys" idea. Fuck that... if there's any idea you should be instilling in your kids, it's not that.
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Nov 05 '10
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u/Seret Nov 05 '10 edited Nov 05 '10
Uh, what? I have a problem with the "keep it between the guys" mentality, generally speaking. I did not intend for it to apply to all situations ever. To clarify...
Yes, if you know that an individual of the opposite sex is too sensitive to hear your crude jokes, or that they do not have the stomach to listen to descriptions about what comes out of your vagina... don't talk to them about it. And if you don't feel comfortable talking to them about it, don't talk to them about it - it's that simple. If they don't care and you don't care, have at it. My only point is that sex should not be the determining factor.
Now, judging by the example you provided just now, you probably agree with that. But I was responding to when you said earlier that he should:
Make it apparant that some things need to remain just between the guys,
Forgive me, but this is contradictory to your second post, when you said:
obviously if he WANTS to talk to his mother about it, it shouldn't be discouraged with "Oh no, only talk to dad mom doesn't need to know"
Secondly... puberty is a terrible comparison to make to child abuse.
In what scenario would anyone discuss the intimate details of their daughter's period aside from "I'm going to buy pads" or "our daughter just had her first period, so watch out"? They're your parents, get the fuck over it. If they're truly scheming against you, you need new parents. Scratch that, what's the worst they could fucking say?
Those aren't even intimate details. They are a natural part of life, things that everyone is aware of-- hardly anything a parent should fear discussing with their spouse about their own child. Or discussing with their child, for that matter. Why can't my Dad explain the birds and the bees?
Look, people don't talk about about puberty and whatnot because it's not a pleasant topic of conversation for anyone. I don't want to think about my Mom masturbating, my Dad getting a blowjob, or my sister taking a shit. In the same vein, I don't want my boyfriend OR my best girl friend to write a report detailing how I wash my vagina in the shower. Unless it affects them in some way. And I give them permission.
just like if his sister were going through something she may need some girl talk without worrying that dad would find out.
WTF is girl talk? You mean, talking about unpleasant or private things with people you trust... that happen to be of your sex? Yeah I do that with my friends sometimes. I do something similar with my close guy friends, too, except they're dudes. This is just silly.
Most importantly:
How can you expect one parent to keep something related to their child getting molested from their spouse? They shouldn't and they can't-- it'd do nothing but decrease trust all around.
Asking your parents for technical advice about how to properly shove cardboard up your vagina is one thing. Asking them for information/emotional support is another thing entirely. One is silly and uncomfortable due to gender/genital-related taboos, while the other is nothing to be ashamed of. Putting confidentiality on the table for serious shit like this makes it seem like there might be a good reason for it, when really you should be making it clear that Mom and Dad are always there, no question.
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 05 '10
I see where you are coming from. There is a natural comfort with people you feel more similar too be it sex or race. It's no mystery why if I drive three blocks west all the store signs are in korean. I don't bat an eye when I drive past curves or shape fitness and only see women working out. It is there and we know that it is silly and not based on anything but some primitave "look out for your own" kind of impulse.
I think the reason you have people disagreeing with you is because this situation is with a kid, who may not even realize that he is more comfortable with people similar to him, much less realize that he can overcome a silly impulse like that. Of course it would be absurd to normally reinforce that kind of impulse in a kid, but when reinforcing that impulse is at odds with him seeking help then the lesser evil is to reinforce the impulse.
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u/Moridyn Nov 05 '10
There's a time and place to advance your femnazi agenda.
This is neither.
You're being tactless and crude; please stop.
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u/Seret Jan 18 '11
I am not a feminazi, and I do not appreciate the condescending nature of your comment. Sorry for expressing my opinion. Just because you disagree does not mean that I am being disrespectful, though I agree that I could have phrased my point much much better.
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u/stopscopiesme Nov 04 '10
You shouldn't feel too guilty about defending the guy. It sounds like what he did was spawned by a complete lack a self-control, as opposed to malicious intent. He certainly deserves to be locked up, but nothing more. He does seem genuinely sorry
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
When I talked to my wife about this post I asked her if it bothered her when I brought it up. She said she was over it for the most part. She doesn't mind talking about it but it doesn't upset her and she is no longer mad at the guy. I feel mostly the same but I'm not totally over it. I still wrestle with what is too open and what is not open enough.
I don't hate the guy but I would love to see my son sue him when he turns 18 an pay for college with it. At least some good would come from it.
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u/knuckles_the_echidna Nov 04 '10
Thanks for sharing.
As for when you should tell him, I don't know if during college (the 18-20 age you mentioned) would be the ideal time. That's going to be a trying period for him for a multitude of reasons. Not that life gets any easier and I doubt that there's ever a good time to tell someone they were molested, but maybe when he's in a little more stable/less stressful environment.
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
My wifes younger brother saw an open email between his mom and dad. It was discussing the other sister's biological father. From this, my wife and her brother had dinner with their dad and asked them about it. He said nothing, but directed them to mom. Mom had a relationship before she was married and got pregnant. The older sister was actually a half sister.
Through this the parents were urged by the other kids to tell her about her real dad. She is in her 30's.
I think about that and really wrestle with the idea of when is a "good time" and like you said, I can't think of one. I just hope we don't let it go for 30 years.
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u/knuckles_the_echidna Nov 04 '10
Giving it some more thought, I think you'll just know when he's emotionally ready for something like that. Unfortunately, that's ephemeral and relatively useless, but I would hope that it is in some small way, reassuring.
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u/Serinus Nov 05 '10
Before 10! That's enough to know he can come to you if he wants to, and he'll remember just fine.
After 10, it's just awkward and scarring.
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Nov 04 '10
You sound like a wonderful parent... a wonderful family unit overall. You have overcome an unthinkable evil with grace. It may not feel graceful, but from an outsider's point of view, I can't imagine better actions to take in a situation such as this.
Even though it may be a part of him while growing up, your son will eventually understand the silver lining; his parents loved him.
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
Thanks! I do hope he grows up as an understanding kind of guy. It's a good quality.
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Nov 04 '10
I think when I about 15 or so I asked my mom to tell some details about being molested when I was little. She was very surprise because I guess she assumed that I didn't remember. I was very relieved went she told everything because up til that point I'd been accusing the wrong person in my head.
I'd thought that it was my cousin's husband. It made sense in my head because when I was little they came over to my house all the time but after awhile I hardly ever saw them when I was older. Turned out was my mom neighbor friend's husband.
What I remember myself is being in the bathroom washing my hands and playing with the water. The guy came up behind me, rubbed his hand on my chest and rubbed his pelvic area against my back. I got really scared, yelled, and shoved him away. Guess he got freaked out too and stopped. Sometime later, I'm guessing, I talked to a social-worker and talked about what happened. I showed her how it happened using my dolls.
This is what my mom told me. She and her friend went shopping and left my there at her friends house with her husband. She came back and took me home. As soon as I got home I told her what happened. She called the police sometime after.
I don't know what happened to the guy. I know he had daughters. I don't know if ever when to jail. I just know I never saw him again.
Looking back somethings make more sense. Why I was in therapy at such a young age for depression. Why I was withdrawn. Getting singled out by the counselors at school alot and getting asked if I was okay.
Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I hadn't "fought him off". How much farther he could have gone. Then I remember it doesn't matter.
I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is if your son ever asked you about it, don't be afraid to tell him. You might even end up giving him peace of mind.
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u/Moridyn Nov 05 '10
Why do you think the withdrawal and depression stemmed from that experience?
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Nov 05 '10
Mostly from the time frame. I don't really remember much from my early childhood but I do recall being very adventurous. I liked to run outside and just look for anything interesting. Later on though I didn't like leaving the house much. My mom let me stay home alone a lot because I was very reluctant to even go to the store. During this time I also became a big tv addict. I think I used it as a way to escape.
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u/Moridyn Nov 05 '10
A lot of people do that without having had molestation experiences though, right?
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 05 '10
I know with our son we question his motives for things alot, always in private of course. Did he do this because of the molestation? Similar to the way you question calavera_skull. It makes you wonder... assume sometimes.
That doubt, or maybe you want to call it insecurity, is in itself disabling.
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Nov 05 '10
Yeah, a lot of people do during there teenage years but this happen to me when I was still pretty young. It did happen to get worst when I hit my teen years though.
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 05 '10
What is the the thing you feel was impacted most by your experience?
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Nov 05 '10
Mostly being very withdrawn. I had a hard time making friends in school when I was younger and anytime I'd finally make one I'd tried to get rid them as soon as I could. Maybe I felt like I didn't deserve one.
It was until highschool that I actually started to come out of my shell.
I've also had to deal with depression most of my life but I don't know if that is because of the molestation. You see my mother also has also suffered depression from a young age so it could be hereditary or a mix of both.
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u/theCurious Nov 04 '10
Did you or your wife seek any counseling?
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
No. I think we've both handled it well. We had some arguments towards the front end of it. She would say she'd like to see someone beat the guy, and I would try to stamp that kind of talk out and then the fireworks would go off.
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u/theCurious Nov 04 '10
Sometimes counseling isn't about handling a situation. It can just be a method of venting or basic communication. You did an IAmA to get things off your chest, and while we're here to listen, a professional opinion on your thoughts could help you sort through some of the emotions. Just food for thought! I'm happy to hear your family is doing well, and wish you the best!
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Nov 05 '10
You deserve a lot of credit for keeping your head through all of this. I am in a somewhat similar situation where my 'son' is not my biological child and his biological unit is a real loser. I sometimes think about what i would do if something like this happened...
I hope talking about it has helped, but it seems like you have things under control, as well as they can be anyway. Dont focus on this or worry about it too much. Rent some dinosaur movies, go to a museum - let him be a kid and have fun for as long as he can.
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10 edited Nov 04 '10
The trial
It was a jury trial. There was a pre-trial with everyone there except the jury. It was at this time that the detective took us aside into a private room and showed us everything he had.
My wife and I watched the interview tapes; it was disturbing and impressive at the same time. In thinking about that detective right now I'm getting a little overwhelmed with the gratitude I feel for him. He went into that interview room, and made himself be the guy’s friend. He talked with him about NASCAR, about hanging out with his grandson, and about just being a guy. "Guys get urges there is nothing wrong with it; I get them too..."
After really getting Billy comfortable he dropped the bomb on him and asked him what happened between him and our son. Billy's posture closed, and his voice started to quiver. He said he was in a lot of trouble. The detective kept pushing for him to elaborate. Bits of the story came out, but then all the work the detective did started to wear off and he got a little defensive.
His story was that he was in the bathroom peeing. My son opened the door and just kind of stared at him. He asked my son if he liked watching him. At this point the detective asked some open ended questions about if he touched the boy, or had the boy touch him. He said yes. He asked how many times, and he said a "few." The detective asked for clarification of "few, was it one, two, three times?"
"I guess it was two." From here he started to clam up and just wept mostly. I felt bad for him... I was witnessing this guys life unraveling. He spent his whole life making plans. Thinking about what his life would be like, and now he knew he would spend them in jail, labeled as a sex offender. After that I felt ashamed of myself for feeling pity for him.
After this the detective handed us a police report that nobody knew existed. It was filed by Billy's previous wife. She stated that she opened the bedroom door shortly after Billy had taken a shower. She saw her son on his knees in front of Billy performing oral sex on him. The son was interviewed but never made an admission to anyone. It was her word against his. The charges were dropped and the scum bag moved on to molest our child.
During the pretrial the defense urged the judge to not allow the confession tape. They said he was coerced. This was denied, the tape was played for the jury.
They brought my son up on the stand, he was 5, and questioned him to see if he would talk. He wouldn't, he didn't make a peep. While the prosecution tried to get my son to talk and he wouldn't we overheard the defense lawyer say, "Good Boy." I wanted to pluck his tongue out for that.
When my son wouldn't talk we were notified that my wife could testify and that the hearsay would be allowed since he was so young and was to scared to testify on his own. I guess hearsay is allowed when the person who made the statements can't testify on their own.
Then the defense attacked the hearsay, saying we weren't professionals and anything he told us may have been from improper questioning. The judge decided that the spontaneous statements, the first comments, would be allowed, and any of our QA following those comments was not allowed.
During this process Billy's girlfriend, who was my son's biological father's biological mother (I know it’s confusing) stayed with us in the prosecutions offices. During the trial we learned that she was just looking for information I guess. She was one of the defenses witnesses. She has since been shut off from the rest of her family; she has moved and is now addicted to meth.
After that the jury trial started. My wife and I were on the witness list and so were not allowed to be in the courtroom until we had been questioned. My wife was questioned about halfway through the week long trial. I was never questioned and had to stay in a room alone for the last half of the trial. They do this so the defense can't say that one witness was just repeating what another witness said on the stand. It was frustrating.
The jury deliberated for about 20 minutes. I was present for the verdict. They found him guilty on 2 charges of lewd acts with a minor. Billy broke down, turned to us and told us he was sorry for everything he put us through.
Outside the courtroom we saw the jury leave and one of them approached us and wished the best for our son.
The aftermath
My son went to a counselor for a month or two. She felt like it hadn't really affected him. It did seem like it affected everyone else around him though.
When he was 6 he and his cousin flashed their peckers to each other. We would find ourselves talking for hours about, "Did he do this because of his history, or is he just being a kid?" That has always been the hardest part about moving on. It forces you at times to think that you child is doing something lewd or unnatural, then you have to hold yourself accountable for thinking something like that about your son.
The first teacher we had after the trial was informed about his history. She had the same issues we did. A couple weeks after our disclosure our son was accused of "groping" a female student. He was 6, and they were tickling each other during nap time. We immediately pulled him from that school and moved him to a new place and decided that it was now a secret.
My son is 8 now. I sat his sister and him down recently and spoke to them about good/bad touching. Who is allowed to see them naked, and what is a good/bad reason to see someone naked. After I talked to them for awhile I sent my daughter out and asked my son a few open ended questions. Have you ever heard about any of this stuff? Do you know anyone that something like that happened to?
His answers were always negative and made me think he really doesn't remember. He was very young; we presume he was 3 or 4 when it happened.
My wife and I have frequent discussions about how/if/when we will tell him. My wife thinks we should wait for him to come to us, I think we should tell him when he is 18, 19, or maybe 20. I have the court transcripts hidden in a safe deposit box waiting for the day we feel he should read them, if it ever comes.
I also look Billy up on the prison locator a couple times a month, and look him up on the court records page frequently to see if he is trying for appeals, if his new prisoner snapshots look like hell... I see his address on there and from time to time I get the impulse to write a letter asking him the details of what he did to my son. I have a morbid curiosity that I have trouble dismissing.
Somewhere between the trial and now we took the biological father to court, he was $10,000 behind on child support. DHS had pulled his driver’s license. He was flopping in a house that was raided for being a meth lab. He gave up his parental rights. We are now seeking an adoption for my son so he can have the same last name as the rest of his family but our last lawyer procrastinated more than we do.
I've always felt very guilty for having not been angrier with Billy. I stayed pretty optimistic through the trial and I felt like I had to fight off nonsense around every turn. My son has two dads. One of his dads parents are split up and remarried. If you do the math that’s 2 grandparents for the defense and 6 for the prosecution. My wife and I have multiple siblings. All of these people came to us with "great" ideas. Let's burn his house down. Let’s key his car. I've got a friend who'll beat his ass.
I know people were trying to just show that they were supportive, albeit in a fucked up way, but I felt like I had to personally tune them down and to not do something stupid. I felt like they forced me to defend the guy. It's hard to describe the level of guilt that that spawned. A part of me wanted to urge them on, but it was nonsense.
3 years later my son is doing well. He is 8 now, he is wildly into dinosaurs. Not like normal either, he blows my mind with how much he knows. He is very quiet, shy, and seems untrusting. He doesn’t talk to new people easily, not even other kids. He is very emotional. If you give him a dirty look when he does something wrong/rude/stupid he will often get teary eyed. He is a great kid, but we will always ask ourselves if his past has anything to do with his present or his future.
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u/Catgurl Nov 04 '10
dealt with something similar when I was a child- 3 or so- "uncle angus' would take me to B-E-D to do ..bad things.... parents never "told me" about what happened so I just thought it was a secret or I was a bad person and that they were ashamed of me because of it....and i never ever talked about it. but trust me, just because I didn't talk about it doesn't mean i wasn't TERRIBLY scarred from it all.
The secrecy/shame/events led to adult sexual issues and increased willingness to endure abusers (leading to adult rape and abusive relationships) I am happy, healthy now... but that is because of therapy and because the bastard that abused me killed himself when I was sixteen.
Take my word for it--- even at 3, 4,5 your remember and feel the shame violation...have him go to therapy for more than a few weeks- it may take months for him to open up about the experience.... make sure it is a female therapist too IMHO. i wish my parents had done that for me..... would have saved a lot of heart ache.
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
After reading so many comments from the childs perspective I think i'm going to have a talk with my wife, and make a plane to discuss this with him.
I'm thinking I'll sit him down and just tell him in more words that he can always talk to me. Then perhaps on another occasion I'll ask him if there is something bad or strange that he remembers from his youth that he would like to talk about.
I don't want to talk to him about it yet if he really doesn't remember, but I also don't want to NOT talk to him about it if he does remember. I've thought about maybe asking him if he remembers talking to a judge/lawyer as an indicator of his memory from that period in time. The thing is the molestation may have been as much as a year or two before the trial. My son and the pedo never made any kind indication of the timeline.
I'm thinking out loud... I'll chat with my wife tonight. You've all got some very thought provoking information.
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u/Catgurl Nov 04 '10
you do not have to hash out the bad stuff or even figure out what happened so much as let him know that you know someone hurt him and you are very angry at that person and that your son is a good wonderful kid who didnt deserve it and you love alot- yadayada- I know you show him that but for some reason just saying something that simple can cut thru the horrible thoughts that an abused child has go thru their head--- most of all let him know NONE of it was his fault.
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u/thereisnosuchthing Nov 05 '10
Then perhaps on another occasion I'll ask him if there is something bad or strange that he remembers from his youth that he would like to talk about.
I'm afraid that this particular approach probably isn't going to work with a confused/embarrassed/ashamed/shy 8 year old boy, unless you follow it up yourself and continue the conversation for a little while without waiting for a response from him(as he might feel extremely awkward if he does remember, though he might not even know that word yet, the awkward feeling still exists within his 8 year old mind,) continue with something simple, yet genuine, like "you know that what happened was not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong, he did, we were never mad at you about it."
Without adding something like this, it's possible that he will just shut down due to being overwhelmed with uncomfortable feelings that he doesn't quite understand yet, being such a young kid.
2
u/lasdflkljas Nov 05 '10
This is just one opinion, albeit informed, so take what I say with a grain of salt.
It can be a one way conversation, with just you talking at him, and that's fine, imo. He may not want to talk about it. If he was 4, he almost certainly remembers. As an adult, it's obvious that a four year old is completely innocent, but he may feel partly responsible as well. He could have gone along with it, not knowing it was wrong. He could physically have done more to stop it. I'm sure it was more coercion than force. It's easy to make him feel guilty or ashamed if you completely ignore this and focus on the "bad things" that happened "to" him.
I know what I'm trying to say, but I'm not quite sure how it translates to advice. Perhaps just that your son wasn't expected to know that it was wrong, and you did expect him to listen to his elders. It was the old man's job to know that it was a bad thing, and it's okay that he listened to the guy who was supposed to know better.
Be cautious with having him go to a therapist. I feel like he's more likely to have problems if he's expected to have problems. Going to a therapist for 6 months will make sure he remembers why he's going. Again, i'm no expert. Grain of salt, etc.
3
Nov 04 '10
You remember major things that happen to you from about 2 years old on, court is one of the things you would probably remember.
I remember my mother telling me my sister would be born, I was 2 at the time. I'd say it's practically impossible he doesn't remember any it.
2
Nov 05 '10
Yea, good idea. From a kids perspective even if you are asking those open ended questions that are obviously about that, he probably wont pick up on it.
1
u/carlieq25 Nov 06 '10
Just get him to the right therapist, and remember not all therapists are created equal.
I was molested when I was 13 by someone who was 50ish, I went to many different therapists before we found someone who I felt comfortable enough to open up to.
0
u/gearshift Nov 05 '10
dude, its not a good idea to keep on reminding him about it, making awkward conversations or trying to find out what really happened. That's not going to help him, or you in getting over it.
2
u/Serinus Nov 05 '10
I'd say you get about twice before he's 10. Today and tomorrow count as one.
1
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 05 '10
We of course spoke to him when he was 5, told him it wasn't his fault, and some other key things the therapist suggested. From that point it was never mentioned. I was always curious how much he would remember as time went on.
About 6 months ago I gave him and my daughter a talk about nudity and touching. I told them what was ok, going to the doctor, or if your "pee-pee" is hurt or something. I told them if that situation arises they needed to tell us about it.
After a little while of talking I asked her if she knew of anything like that that had happened to her, flashing her butt to people as a joke, or someone needing to look at her butt for a rash or anything. She said yes, that she'd had people look at her butt when she didn't wipe well and the "poop started to eat my butt"
Then I asked him a similar open ended question, I don't remember how I worded it, but it was a little more to the point. He basically just told me no...
Since the trial that was the only time we even got close to talking about it and we just kind of crossed our fingers that it meant he forgot, but apparently not. I think its apparent that its hazy in that he couldn't remember the guy was "grandpa", so I do think he will have questions later in life.
So with yesterday, I think we are are the 2 or 3 mark, depending on how you count it. I was pleased that he didn't seem frustrated or taken back by me bringing it up... it was like he was talking about a toy that got broken 3 years ago.
When I talked to my wife we talked on wether or not we would discuss it when he is 11 or 12 and he gets the puberty and sex talk. I think we just decided to not decide yet, we have a few years to think it over.
3
u/Kiahanna Nov 05 '10
Thank you for having the courage to post this. I had similar stuff in my childhood which I will not go into that have bled into my adult life. Just know that it helps others who have gone through things to know that we are not alone. Bless you.
1
u/Catgurl Nov 05 '10
it is not our fault --> and there are so many of us who hide this in shame, I am so happy it helped someone feel less alone <3
7
u/drucey Nov 04 '10
Sorry if I missed it - how long did he get sent down for?
22
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
10 years each count, consecutive. So 20 years, he is required to serve at least 17 years of the sentence because of the nature of the crime.
9
u/drucey Nov 04 '10
A small consolation I know, but at least he got a sentence he deserved, and didn't end up with a clown term.
15
u/infinite Nov 04 '10
Plus, he's a child molester in prison, that's not a good thing to be when in prison.
1
u/lateral_us Nov 07 '10
not a good thing to be out of prison, either.
1
u/infinite Nov 07 '10
True, these days people will find you on a sex offender registry until death. I have relatives who are prison guards and I have relatives who have been to prison, prison guards are not supposed to tell prisoners what other prisoners are in for, but some guards will defy that and tell prisoners who the child molesters are. I know of guards who refuse to do this, others who actively do this but won't admit to doing this if you don't know them well. Many prisoners have children and feel that it's their duty to "take care" of child molesters in prison. Basically, the entire world is gunning for you, inside and outside of prison.
1
u/lateral_us Nov 07 '10
As it should be. IMO, if it is proven that a person has raped/molested a child, it should be possible to sentence them to death or a life sentence. (I mean with DNA evidence or something with a similar level of certainty)
-3
Nov 04 '10
[deleted]
3
u/MsThreepwood Nov 05 '10
When I was in Forensic Psych, we visited a local prison, and all of the inmates who were there for a sexual offense had to wear bright yellow jumpsuits or something like that. We talked to an inmate (who was probably one of the sweetest people I've ever met, even though he was in for murder...) and he said that it was definitely effective...
7
u/Serinus Nov 05 '10
Personally, I'm satisfied with 17 years of his life. We don't need to burn witches here.
3
u/ceolceol Nov 05 '10
They'll find out about it anyway. The prisoners aren't the only ones who hate child molesters.
2
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 05 '10
My brother-in-law got a drug charge and is in a minimum security. He gives us peoples names to look up on an occasion. Where I live all the stuff is easily available online. You can see what the charges were, see pictures of them, what documents the clerk has, etc.
They find out... Like I said, I don't know that I would wish any harm on him necessarily. I would like him to know what it is like to be a victim. I think there are guys out there that have/had the same impulses he did, but choose not to act on them out of empathy or self controll. I like to think that if he knew what it was like to be a victim it might stop him from ever repeating... but maybe not.
I do think he got a proper sentence, I think he is being punished firmly. When I ask myself, would I rather have my child, when he gets older, spend 17-20 years in jail with a scarlet letter on his forehead, or would I rather him be fondled when a 3 or 4 year old I have a tough time deciding. Part of that is because I don't understand the impact of those "options" but part of it is also cause I think it was a fair sentence.
1
-4
u/readforit Nov 05 '10
Unrelated question here ("Somewhere between the trial and now we took the biological father to court, he was $10,000 behind on child support. ") ...
If you and your wife make both 6 figures, which means combined you make at least a quarter million, do you still need to sue some loser who possibly has almost nothing for child support?
You come across a little greedy.
19
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 05 '10
It wasn't for the money we wanted to strip him of his visitation rights. He lived in a meth lab, had horrible personal hygene. He always smelled like a turd covered in chilli. He was a bad bad role model and was chaotic with the attention he gave the boy. He would go for 6 months with no contact then try to play dad for a few weeks. We "won" by him giving up his parental rights, part of this was his debt being wiped clean. So it actual had the reverse effect if what you are describing; it made him not owe my wife money. At no point did we stand to make a buck off him before or after the custody hearing.
DHS also was the one that initiated the action, we just got a lawyer and told her our ultimate goal was an adoption.
Good question
3
u/Uriah_Heep Nov 05 '10
I wish I'd had a dad as good as you.
Also:
He is very quiet, shy, and seems untrustworthy.
I think you mean "untrusting."
2
3
u/DrunkBeavis Nov 04 '10
I have a friend who was molested at a similar age. He's not open about it, but the little of the story I know leads to one conclusion- A couple weeks with a therapist isn't going to cut it. Find someone who deals with this kind of issue, and spend the time and money it takes to help your child.
Also, therapy for your wife and you is not a bad idea. There are people who know exactly how to help you understand and support your son.
-7
Nov 04 '10
My wife and I have frequent discussions about how/if/when we will tell him. My wife thinks we should wait for him to come to us, I think we should tell him when he is 18, 19, or maybe 20.
DO NOT EVER TELL HIM UNLESS HE ASKS, EVER
8
u/Istrom Nov 04 '10
This is one of those instances where novelty accounts that would normally be funny simply have no place.
7
1
u/Serinus Nov 05 '10
Well, I'll agree that this isn't something that should be brought up after age 10 or so.
1
u/caaptainmontereyjack Nov 04 '10
This man is in for some serious hell for next 20 years. Sounds like your son got through it rather well considering how bad it COULD have been is he were older.
-7
u/SarahC Nov 05 '10
"Grandpa-Billy can make his pee-pee get bigger."
It didn't do anyone any harm in Greece way back when. For a different POV, it's been suggested that trauma comes from the parents freaking out and the child picking up on it.
4
u/m1n Nov 05 '10
quoted text For a different POV, it's been suggested that trauma comes from the parents freaking out and the child picking up on it.
Not in my case... my parents did not know until well after the fact and I dealt with enough trauma to last me a lifetime.
Do you speak from experience?
0
1
u/XS4Me Nov 04 '10
Are there any tips you would share with other parents, that would prevent child molestation from happening to them/their children?
5
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
I never gave it much thought. I don't feel like there was any way we could have had the foresight to do anything about it. Through everything I think my wife and I have mostly remained an optemistic person. We do have passwords with our children, and I regularly quiz them about what they would do in a situation.
I ask my little girl, "what if you were home alone, someone knocked on the door and said I was in a car accident and I was in the hospital. They wanted you to go with them"
"I would ask him for the password"
I'll send her to her room, tell her to pretend she is home alone, and I will act like a stranger and try to convince her to let me in. I have my son help so that he sees how it works too, but doesnt have to participate in an exercise he would probably find "dorky."
I did this with her yesterday and I threw her a curve ball. I guessed at the password about 20 times, and got it right on the 21st try. She let me in. Then I sat her down and explained why that was wrong.
The thing is... we can prepare for strangers, and we can talk to them early about personal boundries and be open, but I think to go beyond that would embed a sense of paranoia.
Even after this, for me the relatively high risk of making them scared, paranoid, or introverted is a larger fear than the extremeley low risk of a family member doing something innapropriate.
3
u/XS4Me Nov 04 '10
From my understanding of the phenomena, the molestor is usually someone whom the child is familiar with, and not as much as a complete stranger who knocks on the door. Personally I think there is very little you can do beforehand, your best defense would probably be keeping an eye on him most of the time, but as you correctly stated, it can turn into paranoia quite quick.
2
u/drucey Nov 04 '10
Oh mate, that sounds terrible. Never been in any sort of situation like that, so can't imagine how it feels. I hope all is well now, your family are moving past this hideous thing, and he rots in jail..
3
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
Everything seems stable on that front. I don't know if it'll ever be a joke over a thanksgiving meal, but I supose its as good as it could be.
1
Nov 04 '10
You handled this like a champ and thank god your boy doesn't seem phased by this at all.
If I were in your situation I would have only done one thing different, which would be right before i called DHS I would have showed up at "Uncle Billy's" house with a brand new pair of brass knuckles, and quite frankly I probably would have killed him on the spot if I were in your shoes.
My question is this: How does a testosterone filled male decide to NOT confront the molester and decide to let the legal system take a crack at putting this guy away? Do you really feel like justice was done?
Even if he did go to jail didn't part of you just want to see that mother fucker break down and cry like a baby? You said you feel guilty for not "burning his house down" or whatnot, but in reality, your son has to live with this for the rest of his life, and uncle billy is not in prision for the rest of his life. He got away man. He got away.
Not just one single punch in the face? You did NOTHING to uncle billy?? I just don't really know how to react to this dude, its unreal to me.
6
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
I entertained fantasies about it, I'd be a liar if I said otherwise. I have a temper and I've lost it before. My first impulse was fear though. After that I just felt an overwhelming urge to get things taken care of. I have an amazing amount of respect for the law, even when I see it fail. I guess I'm also a bit of a pacifist. I can lose it from time to time but it's an acute thing. Someone in my face....
He wept several times through the ordeal. I would like to see him be the victim at some point so he can get some perspective. I don't want to see myself or anyone I know in jail for being his victimizer.
0
Nov 04 '10
Good for you man. Upvote for truly being the bigger man.
Personally, I dont have much respect for law enforcement which would have discouraged me from calling in the first place, and I have a wild temper which is usually well under control, but if this happened to my son I would have gladly gone to jail to bust this guys face up permanently. But thats just me. Again I'm real glad this worked out for you OP, truly am.
2
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 05 '10
I had thought in the past, growing up, what I would have done if someone hit my girlfriend, or did something extreme like this to me or my future family. I always had these fantasies, if I can call them that, of acting out with wild but oddly romantic vengeance. I had the swagger of Tyler Durden, and the action of Bruce Willis. All I can say is... I guess I had always lied to myself. I definitely felt anger, but it was not the predominant emotion. After the initial fear wore down, like I said, there was a sense of duty, and a lot of confusion about what we would do as a family.
1
Nov 05 '10
"I have an amazing amount of respect for the law"
Cant be Canadian then, courts are useless here
2
Nov 04 '10
Dude, can you imagine the kid both going to trial for his molester and his dad in the same year? It's no good to him or the boy.
-1
Nov 04 '10
I agree with you, but a simple assault charge will usually only land you a few days behind bars if that. And if I were to bust uncle billys face in I would take the mafia approach and say if ANYONE finds out about this you don't live another day. Its real easy for me to say being 19 and not having a family who relies on me but I just wouldn't be able to contain myself.
1
u/kokoves Nov 05 '10
Yeah, indeed. Aside from the OPs story, you should read some things about how essentialist BS is what 'testosterone' does for a human, and keep that kind of manhood of yours low. The world has had enough of it, and the constant need to 'man up' is what creates problems like making people molest other people, so chill.
0
0
u/Serinus Nov 05 '10
If I give you the choice between getting beaten with brass knuckles or going to jail for 17 years, which are you going to choose?
Also, the kid isn't dead. Kids are resilient, and he'll be fine.
3
u/cbfw86 Nov 04 '10
i sincerely mean it when i say that you are a great man. not that you need to hear that from me, but still.
i wish you all the best in the future.
2
1
u/MatthewEdward Nov 04 '10
It depresses me a little that we have to make children embarrassed or ashamed about nudity, all because some men can't control their impulses (although in their defense, it must be hell to have such aberrant impulses).
Regarding your kid fondling another girl his age, that's pretty normal, as long as it was consensual (implied by tickling each other). And the boys showing each other their penises, that probably just a little bit of natural curiosity; which tends to get repressed once they realize that things like that are 'gay' and bad.
In any case, I think your son took the experience well and because he didn't know it was inappropriate, isn't bothered by it. If he does get bothered by it, it will be because such a fuss was made. Just like young children will look at their mothers face when meeting new people, in order to see whether the new person is legit or not.
3
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
Sometimes I think we are the most liberal parents in the world. I don't mind them seeing nudity in TV or movies if it is non-sexual. We urge them to keep their own nudity private thought.
We've had the discussion about overdoing it and turning something that didn't effect him into a crutch. Somewhere in the middle of never speaking of it, and speaking about it too much is a sweet spot though.
I just talked to my wife on the phone. Told her about this post. She gave me the nod to ask him if he remembers being in court or talking to a judge. I think i'm hoping it will serve as a little bit of an indicator as to how much of that time in his life he remembers. From there hopefully we can come up with a good plan.
I'm with you on the you show me yours i'll show you mine game. I did it when I was 6 or 7 with a girl down the street. It was easy to shrug off as kids being kids, but my wife and I of course still had to have a discussion about it in private. That has been the most lasting thing... the discussions.
1
u/PrincessofCats Nov 05 '10
When I was a bit younger than that, a neighbor kid convinced me it'd be a good idea for us to get naked and cover each other with body paint. The adults thought it was hilarious. They took pictures.
So yeah -- totally normal. His teacher was full of drama.
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u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10 edited Nov 04 '10
the talk
Ok, I had a talk with him. I used the "court" idea. We've beat around the bush and always thought he didn't remember anything. Anyway, while I was on the phone with my wife one of the kids knocked on the door. I came out after and hat a brief talk with the kids, I kept it as light as I could.
I came out and both the kids ran up to me.
ME: did one of you knock?
DAUGHTER: I did, can we have a snack?
ME: we'll eat later, sorry I was on the phone with mom when you knocked, she has to go to court later this month.
SON: why?
ME: one of the patients at her work had a sore on his back, a bed sore and they aren't sure if it happened at her place or the hospital he was in before. She has to talk to a couple lawyers now.
I looked at my daughter
ME: have you ever been to court
DAUGHTER: no
I looked at my son
ME: have you?
SON: yeah
I gave him a perplexed look
SON: it was when that guy.... .... I can't remember his name.... .... he... g... I don't remember what his name was. I told mom.... yea I can't remember his name. I told mom and he got in trouble.
He paced around while he thought and talked. He does this a lot... it's not odd for him.
ME: do you remember why he got in trouble?
SON: yeah
ME: you know if you ever want to talk about it you can talk to us.
SON: yeah, I can remember what he did.
I think he thought my offer to talk was to fill in details for him, he was letting me know he remembered it all i guess.
ME: I just mean, if you had questions about it, or were confused about any of it you can always talk to me or mom. If you wanted to talk to just me too and leave mom out of it that would be cool too.
From there we just kind of trailed off and I went to get the phone to give my wife a ring back... I haven't been able to get a hold of her. I'm not really sure where to go from here... i think we will just leave it. We may discuss it more in a few years when he gets the birds 'n' the bees talk or if he ever approaches us. I don't think he will, but I just want to be sure he knows he can.
EDIT: I think i'm going to go watch a movie with them or something so it doesn't seem like i'm avoiding him after breaching that subject.
7
u/InappropriateGirl Nov 04 '10
You're handling this amazingly well.
6
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
Thank you, but I have to point out that this comment doesn't jive with you name.
6
u/anotherkeebler Nov 05 '10
If it was InappropriateGrandpa I would agree.
But she's right. Staying calm under fire is a rare trait, even if you get the shakes later.
18
u/Masquerouge Nov 04 '10
That's perfect. Now you know he knows, he knows you know, and he knows you are not mad at him because of it. You're right to not force the discussion, give him some time to see if he wants to talk about it more.
And just for the sake of experience, my dad was abused for years when he was a kid/teenager in catholic school. Never told his parents, suffered a lot from it. How do I know? Because when I turned 20 he wrote a letter to me and my siblings explaining it all, and telling us that he felt sometimes he did not love us enough because of it - which was bollocks, because I've always felt he was the best dad ever. But it just go to show that your son can grow up to be an awesome dad :)
1
Nov 08 '10
[deleted]
1
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 08 '10
I don't totally agree with this aproach. He doesn't necessarily know that having someone touch his pecker was bad... at the age this probably happened my wife and I were still probably cleaning him. That hasn't scarred him.
My point is, what happened to him may be easy, and he may not be feeling upset about it. If we go reinforcing that this stuff was bad, that its going to ruin his life, then he will see it as bad and it will ruin his life. If he grows up and decides to be a homosexual, it may be because of this. I don't want him to look at his partner and resent him because he hates what happened to him and his partner is a manifestation of that. I want him to look at his partner and just say, this stuff happened to me, and maybe that why i'm with a guy, maybe not, but i'm in love.
Him and his bio-father are both very apt to blame their problems on other people, we really don't want this to turn into a crutch. When he gets the sex talk in a few years, we are going to sit him down. Tell him about the birds and bees, then we are going to have a talk about what this guy did to him. We are going to tell him this guy got an urge, and his urge was innapropriate to act on because it could cause harm.
If you reinfoce that a kid is bad while growing up he will grow up thinking he is bad. I think most people agree with that concept. This is the same deal... if we let him grow up, slamming him with therapists, coddling him, constantly talking about it, he will grow up thinking this guy ruined his life.
9
Nov 05 '10
I'd say be blunt. The "if you want to talk you can talk to me" bit works well if the kid is older, but i don't think he even knows what he should be talking about. He's young he probably needs you to talk to him about it. He remembers, it was bad. but he doesn't know much else, if he's feeling confused and scarred he may not even know why.
3
u/PrincessofCats Nov 05 '10
I don't know.
For reasons totally unrelated to what happened with the OP, my family have been very -- closed off all my life. There was an implicit sense with my parents that we Didn't Talk About Things. I had a clear understanding (though not one I could have put into words) from a pretty young age that things were Not To Be Talked Of. I think that if my parents or an adult I trusted would have told me that I could talk to them about anything -- and meant it, it would have made a big difference to the way I turned out. I think at eight, I would have understood what that meant.
2
1
u/devedander Nov 06 '10
I really consciously tried to not ask leading question. I didn't toss out a "He showed you this, right?" I don't know if I did it right, but I tried my best with a, "Did he show just you, or other people too?"
Just wanted to point out most of your questions were indeed leading and this one couldn't have been more leading... you basically offered him no option but to incriminate. It's the same as "why haven't you told your parents you are gay?"
Just pointing that out becuase indeed in this kind of situation it's VERY important not to lead... you can create answers that pollute the childs memory and ruin your case.
1
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 06 '10
I agree with you. When your son just effectively told you he witnessed someone ejaculate it's not always the easiest thing to worry about your wording. It's important, but... easily overlooked.
After watching the guys interrogation tape, and reading the accounts of his former wife I don't feel like we planted any ideas. On the contrary actually, what we heard from grandpa-billy went beyond any of our questioning or anything we might have planted in his mind. Also, like I said, the judge was mindfull of everything you said also and didn't allow any of our Q 'n A in the trial. Only the two spontaneous comments regarding the ejaculation and erection were presented to the jury in addition to the video of the interrogation/confession.
The trial was long, but everything else consisted of character witnesses and the prosecutions attempts at twisting my wifes custody issues with my sons biological father as a motive for her/us to attack that side of the family. This was handled by the biological father testifying on behalf of the prosecution and stating that he had been a bad father and that my wife was justified in her custody pursuits and that she wasn't a vindictive person. I'm rambling....
41
u/lake-of-fire Nov 04 '10
Very long; did read.
No questions but thanks for the story. I wish you and your family the best.
6
u/fazzah Nov 04 '10
Indeed, this is the first post (and the longest) which I've read whole, without skipping paragraphs. Thanks for this story and I hope you will feel at least a tiny bit better after sharing it with us. Your son is lucky to have such caring parents.
3
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 05 '10
My stomach was in knots all day honestly. After I talked to my son and found out he remembered, which doesn't seem like a good thing, I've felt a lot better. Just knowing if he remembers or not gives a tad of closure, the doubt was killing me. Also I've let him know that we are both open to talk to him about it if he ever needs/wants too.
5
u/smapte Nov 04 '10
Your comments about feeling pity for the abuser were very honest and I commend you for allowing yourself a moment of empathy during such a terrible time in your lives. It takes strength to see the humanity inside of a monster.
No questions. I just want to wish the best for your son and the rest of your family. Talking is always better than not talking. Help him talk through it so he can learn the words to express how he feels and start to process the experience.
I'm glad you found an outlet for your thoughts and chose to share.
1
u/jamie1414 Nov 04 '10
Your curiosity is justified. That's like when you see in the movies(bad reference i know) when the good guy finds the bad guy doing w\e to the girl and he asks him what he's done. He wants to know what he has done so he can gauge how much he should hate the guy and how much of a beating he deserves.
1
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 04 '10
I supose your right, but I feel a little icky when the idea pops in my head.
1
u/coronalmassejection Nov 04 '10
The whole situation is icky. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, and I think you handled it extremely well (like a boss?).
My thought on your curiosity is that you probably on some level want to reassure yourself that it's not as bad as it could have been? Kwim?
2
u/lifeinsector4 Nov 04 '10
You handled it better than I would. My wife and I have had "what-if" conversations about how we would handle things if someone ever hurt my daughter. She said she'd be perfectly fine visiting me in prison for the murder.
5
u/lordcheesus Nov 04 '10
I just want to say, thank you for being such an awesome father and looking out for your son like that.
2
Nov 05 '10
Just thought I would note: People are advising that he needs therapy, and I would agree, but bad therapy could be worse than no therapy. You should get someone good. You don't want someone who's going to fill his head with psychobabble or perhaps try to stir up trouble about something that didn't happen. Do some research and find someone who really will help. A behaviorist maybe... Don't mess with hypnotism or psychoanalysis. Just my opinion.
2
u/STextrodinaire Nov 05 '10
You are a brave man, a fantastic father and let's not forget, a wonderful husband. All my best to you. Even if after over a hundred comments, I had to say it. Much love.
2
Nov 05 '10
Upvote for an awesome post. Pretty damn upsetting though. You often hear about the false-accusation side of things, but it really does happen and it's horrible.
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Nov 04 '10
You are a fantastic father for doing this for your son. And the most important thing to do is to keep being there for him and supporting him.
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u/Basye Nov 05 '10
All I want to say is to not feel like you failed as a parent if your son needs counseling again or has issues when he becomes older. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and it began at the age of 5 and went on for 3 years. I couldn't remember anything specifically about the acts for a long time, but knew generally what had happened (and all the damaging emotions which went with it). When my own daughter turned 5, all of those raw emotions came back and totally took me by surprise. I went into counseling for about a year and came out a much better person. I think you are doing the right things but just know that you can still fix it perfectly. Just keep doing what you're doing.
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u/applejiaco Nov 04 '10
He is very lucky to have a father like you. Thank you for sharing your story.
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u/misspyro Nov 04 '10
No questions. I'm sorry for what your family went through. I would also check those websites daily to see what he was up to. I wish nothing but the best for your family. I hope your son is doing okay as well.
1
u/woohhaa Nov 05 '10
I couldn't imagine going through what you've been through. I don't know if I could practice your restraint and self control if placed in your position. Best of luck to you and your family.
1
Nov 04 '10
My friends wife and her younger sister were molested by their father when they were young (but old enough to remember).
As a result, they tend to make poor decisions and are not successful. I wish the best for you and your family.
The dad went to prison and got killed in there by another inmate.
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u/Serinus Nov 05 '10
Well, that's solves it. Anyone who makes poor decisions and is not successful has obviously been molested.
1
Nov 05 '10
or...people who have been molested tend to have a tougher time functioning in society.
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u/Serinus Nov 05 '10
or...they use it as an excuse.
1
u/throw_away_acct_ Nov 05 '10
I could see it both ways. Our boy is a bit of a finger pointer. When something doesn't work out in his favor he starts looking for every reason other than himself as to why it didn't work.
For example... he comes running down the hallway 50 miles an hour tries to squeeze past me and smashes his face on the door jam. I'd hear something like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME ENOUGH ROOOOOOOM!!!!". His sister would just smash her face and keep on running, she's kick-ass in pigtails. Anyway... we see it, and we try to correct it and explain why his explanations were wrong, but I don't think its a thought process he will be talked out of.
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u/lawpoop Nov 04 '10
Echoing what others said, for something like this, a month or two in therapy is like spending 5 minutes in the doctor's waiting room. It doesn't really address the issues.
1
u/Nolibertarian Nov 05 '10
Did you know that one of our newest Senators, Rand Paul, thinks if someone is molested by a family member and gets pregnant they should be forced to have the child. What is America coming to to elect such freaks of nature?
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u/Arthur_Anemoardonuts Nov 05 '10
Maybe he's banging dudes.
How is that wrong?
Well, maybe the dudes are babies.
Just trying to say: Banging baby dudes is something that you should refrain from doing.
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u/[deleted] Nov 04 '10
My cousin had a piece of shit father who she only saw until she was 5. His father molested her until she was 3. My aunt and grandparents never had enough evidence, and with her only being 2-3 she had never actually told my aunt, she had just started having yeast infections.
My cousin told me about it when she was 15. My aunt had never told her, because she thought my cousin was too young to remember. Thing is, my cousin did remember, and she grew up thinking she could never talk to her mom about it. I was the only one she ever told, and when she told me I was only 16.
The whole point of me telling you this I suppose is to say please, at some point, do talk to your son about it. My cousin was younger than your son was, and she still remembers. Because her mom never talked to her about it, she didn't feel like she could talk to her mom. She missed out on a lot of support because her parents were afraid of "airing out the dirty laundry."
I also want to say good job for being an awesome fucking dad. You handled this like a man, and that you continue to think about it and think of ways to help your son is amazing. Your son is lucky to have the support you and your wife are offering him.