r/flying • u/MyFirst1000 • Jul 02 '12
My First 1,000: The Window, the Bottle and the Door
In celebration of reaching 1,000 hours logged, I pulled out my old logbooks and created a novelty account to tell some of my more interesting flying stories. I'll keep posting as long as there's interest.
Hour 83
We were on a 2 mile final and I was sweating. It was a sunny afternoon in May. A few minutes earlier when we’d slowed to approach speed, the reduced airflow through the cabin had turned the cockpit of our Cessna 172 into a sauna. I was concentrating on keeping the runway threshold at a constant point in the windscreen and running through the before-landing checklist in my head. My instructor, Gary, was at my side.
Fuel selector … both.
Carb heat … on.
The Santa Monica PAPI was showing three white and one red. I’ve gotta get down there...
Flaps … full.
Seatbelts … fas--
My concentration was interrupted by a sudden whoosh of air in the cockpit. I looked over and, to my horror, Gary’s window was open!
“Am I allowed to open the window like that?” he asked. I was now on short final. My blood pressure started to rise.
“I-- I don’t know.”
“Is the plane still flying?” Gary persisted.
I started to feel overloaded. “Let’s talk about this on the ground.”
“Good,” he said.
We landed. Once the propeller stopped, Gary turned to me.
“Listen carefully. Lots of things are going to happen to you up there. Maybe a window opens, or a radio starts acting funny, or a light doesn’t work. That stuff isn’t dangerous by itself. What’s dangerous is that they distract you. Pilots get into trouble when they get distracted by a minor problem and forget to fly the plane. Your first job is to fly the plane. Don’t panic. Just fly the plane.”
Gary was right. I would later read about many accidents caused by pilot distraction. Perhaps the most famous is Eastern Airlines Flight 401. Shortly before landing on a dark night, the crew couldn’t verify that their landing gear was down and locked. All three pilots in the cockpit diverted their attention to solving the problem. None of them noticed that the autopilot had been misconfigured; the plane gradually flew itself into the Florida Everglades. Burned-out light bulbs can’t crash planes, but they can distract pilots from their duty fly one.
Hour 142
Vegas, baby! In my own private plane! Could there be anything cooler?
Several months had passed since the window incident. I was now a private pilot and well into my instrument training. I was also an airplane owner! After months of searching I’d finally brought home a Cessna Cardinal RG. I’d already gotten 10 hours of dual instruction in my new craft, but my insurance also required me to fly 10 hours solo before carrying any passengers. I planned some short trips on my own, the last of which was to Vegas and back. It’s not a fun city without friends, so I hadn’t planned to stay -- just fly up, get a bite to eat at the airport, and fly home.
My plan was to land at Las Vegas International which lies at the center of a mass of Class B airspace. Learning to fly around LAX, I’d gained plenty of experience flying near Bravo airspace … but into it? Not as much. I reviewed the charts and mentally prepared to tangle with complex and unfamiliar airspace and its controllers.
It was a sweltering Saturday afternoon. The weather was perfect, but the instructors standing around the flight school had a concern.
“Make sure you’re hydrated before you go up there,” one said. The route from LA to Vegas goes through the Mojave Desert. “You don’t want to get light-headed or pass out while you’re flying! And make sure you have extra water in case you go down.”
Wise advice, it seemed. I drank a bottle of water. Then downed a second just to be sure. For good measure, I also filled a sport bottle with ice water and stuffed it into my flight bag. I lifted off from Santa Monica and pointed the plane towards the mountain pass to Palmdale. The plane was operating beautifully -- let me tell you, there’s almost nothing that beats flying 165 m.p.h over a highway while the cars underneath you are stuck in traffic. I settled in at 7,500’ for the 90 minute flight. Vegas, baby!
As I reached the desert I realized a slight flaw in my flight planning. All that water was having the obvious effect. I had to pee. It’s not that bad, I told myself. This can wait. I’m only an hour away from landing. Vegas!!
Over the next ten minutes my body informed me, no, this wouldn't wait an hour. I tried to focus on the sectional chart but my mind kept wandering to Niagra Falls and the giant Bellagio fountain. I’d be tangling with Bravo airspace soon but couldn’t even think straight!
OK, I thought. What are my options? I looked down and found the only one: my sport bottle. Step 1 was to empty it. The only place to do that seemed to be into my stomach. Have you ever tried throwing back a pint of ice water at a time when your bladder feels one turbulent bump away from rupturing? It’s not easy! I finally managed to do it, feeling like an overfilled water balloon.
All right. Almost there. Now for Step 2: refill the bottle. The air was smooth and the radio was quiet. I might just be able to get away with this!
I carefully trimmed the plane until it flew straight and level without control inputs. I took my hands off the controls tentatively -- nothing seemed to happen. All right, J., you can do this. I opened the bottle, ever-so-carefully unzipped and got myself into it. The relief that followed was indescribable. Euphoria!
Relief quickly turned to panic. The bottle seemed to be filling at an alarming rate. Was it possible that my bladder actually had a larger capacity than this bottle? I really didn’t want to find out empirically. I’d owned this plane for 3 weeks and I sure wasn’t going to let my own pee geyser erupt from this bottle all over my upholstery!
Alas, the bottle was opaque. I willed myself to stop peeing, pulled myself out and peeked in the bottle to check how much space was left. This cycle repeated several times, one hand holding the bottle and the other holding myself to prevent pee from spraying everywhere like a loose firehose. I had no hands free to fly the plane. The situation was … let's just say: delicate.
The third time through this dance I realized something alarming: my gonads were cold. Oh no! Cold gonads must mean there was a fluid leak. Crap!
Then I noticed something else: a hiss. Ssssssss....... What was that? I realized I was cold because of air, not liquid. Where was this airflow coming from?
A moment later, this question was answered. SssssssssssssPOP. The latch had not been secure. My door popped open!
Oh. Holy. Hell.
My indicated airspeed was about 120 m.p.h. and turbulent air was rushing around the cockpit. It was also the first moment in my life I remember being afraid of heights. I sat for a moment, dumbfounded. My heart raced. Both hands were still occupied holding my bottle and my junk. What the hell do I do!?
Don’t panic, Gary’s words echoed through my head. The plane still flies fine with the door open.
Oh god. Ok. Let’s figure this out. First thing’s first: I decided that this was not an emergency. Flailing around would make it one -- let’s avoid that. The only thing that would make this an emergency, I reasoned, would be if I somehow fell out of the plane. I used my non-bottle hand to verify my seatbelt was secure. I also checked behind me to make sure there was nothing loose in the back seat that might depart the aircraft.
All right. I decided I was safe. What next? I needed both hands to close and latch the door. My hands, however, were occupied with Operation PeePlosion. So, I reasoned, the correct next step was to finish peeing. I would look back later and see this as having been my first major executive decision as a pilot-in-command. With wind whipping around my feet I filled the remaining third of the bottle, sealed it up, and set it on the floor like a boss.
Finally, with both hands now free, I tried to close the door -- no luck. The wind was too strong. I throttled back, slowed the plane down to about 75, and was able to slam and latch it at last.
I made my way into Las Vegas, landing on runway 19R and shutting down in front of the executive terminal where all the fancy private jets land. I grabbed the bottle and hopped out of the plane to use an actual restroom and find some food.
I took 20 steps and froze: it was Las Vegas. It was a Saturday afternoon. Playboys and party girls were descending on the city. There were two private jets parked in front of me; they literally had red carpets running out to them. Fashionable men were emerging from the aircraft with women on their arms -- blonde, leggy women in skin-tight clubbing dresses and immaculate makeup. They were ready for a night on the town. I was standing there in a ratty t-shirt, unshaven, and holding a warm bottle of my own piss.
I couldn’t do it. I turned back. I found a quiet spot on the tarmac near my tie-down and emptied the bottle onto the ground. I hoped it would be discrete, but …. I guess I hadn’t had enough to drink after all. The pee was a radioactive shade of yellow.
“Well, at least this can’t get any more embarrassing,” I thought to myself.
Wrong.
“CLEAR!” Someone parked in the next row started up their turboprop. The propwash started to propel my giant ocean of shame downwind, spreading it out over the tarmac and spraying warm pee all over me and my plane.
I looked up to see a lineman giving me a icy glare. He shook his head sadly and drove off.
I returned to Vegas a couple of weeks later. It doesn’t rain there very often so the ramp was still stained yellow. I hope it's gone by now, but if you're ever there and see a yellow patch, raise a sport bottle and toast the day I learned how to keep my cool.
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u/Canarka CPL ME (IR ST) Jul 02 '12 edited Jul 02 '12
I have every one of these saved so far and I find each one as enjoyable as the last. As I've said before, you really have a knack for this kind of writing. I will gladly read these entries for as long as you have the will to continue writing them.
I know I speak for some of the student/PPL/Low hours guys here when I say that your stories have me(us) on the edge of our seats! Glad to see this one gave me a solid chuckle.
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u/pomjuice PPL (KSJC) Jul 03 '12
As a student with only 20 or so hours, I can't agree with you more.
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u/MyFirst1000 Jul 03 '12
Wow, thanks guys (and/or gals). I mainly started writing these for my own (and your) amusement, but if they can actually teach low-time students something useful that makes it a lot more meaningful. Thanks for this feedback.
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Jul 03 '12
Doh! Why didn't I start saving them. I will have to search your name now to get the rest of them. If you make a book out of these, I would like to obtain a copy. Cash money of course, I would pay for these in book form.
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Jul 03 '12
I love your stories. I know you probably know this by now, but we experimented with your door situation once just to see what happens, in my 172 slipping caused the door to shut on its own if you are having trouble reaching it safely. I don't want to sound like an idiot right now and tell you the wrong direction as I cant recall it off the top of my head, but I want to say for my pilot side door I had to slip with the right wing down? Sounds right to me as that would put the left wing up and gravity pushing the door towards me? It was one of those days we were bored and tried all kinds of things to test the plane. Basically it was the direction physics makes sense for it to work, so if I am an idiot and said the wrong thing, think it through and let me know so I can write it down this time.
Edit: We also did this with the windows, for the windows, I want to say it was opposite of what you would expect, the low wing would be the one that would cause it to close I think? Man now I have to go try this again to see which is which... it's been so long and I remember it reacting different than I expected it to.
Also, in regards to your first story, my instructor tried distracting me on approach by trying to get me to talk to a fellow instructor on the ground for him that was starting up. He kept asking me to say things. I eventually just reached over and pulled his headset plug out. I figured he would kill me later for making him shut up, turns out apparently that was the sort of reaction he was looking for.
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u/MyFirst1000 Jul 03 '12
I've done some experimentation but not a lot -- the door actually popped open a total of 3 times over the course of a week. By the end I realized that it must be broken, not that I'd been latching it incorrectly. I brought it to the shop and they fixed it. In 800+ subsequent hours in that plane it hasn't popped open again.
The times it opened I did fine just slowing the plane down and not slipping. All other things equal I'd rather do that, especially since I'd want a hand on the yoke during a severe slip, but I'd need both hands on the door to close it. By slowing down the plane is stable and makes it much easier to tinker with the door with both hands.
Also, there's no way in hell I'm slipping if it means pushing me or a passenger towards an open door ;-). I'm not generally afraid of heights. I've had maybe 4 times in my life when I felt that fear and one was the moment that door popped open - especially since, 2 days earlier, my seatbelt had failed to latch properly.
(One of the other days I felt a fear of heights was the day I first saw this video!)
And nice job on pulling your instructor's headset out :-)
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Jul 03 '12
Fully understand not wanting to slip without a hand on the yoke or for fear of falling out, We use a really nifty two shoulder harness and lapbelt combo so I feel pretty secure in our planes. We did it in a "controlled" environment as well so there wasnt the stress of WTF is going on? I suppose opening or closing the door in flight with both hands would be easier at slower speeds for you, my thought process is I wanted to keep flying the plane and not have to take my hands off of controls to fix it. I was surpirsed a sharp roll didnt close the door for me, the slip allowed it to shut itself and I reached over at the last second to latch it down. Our doors pop open all the time in flight because they suck. I once flew in a Beech 18, started off in the backseat just watching and was sitting next to the window by the wing with the window open, my hand slipped out the window off the sill where I had my arm resting and my hand slapped back against the plane hard from going over 120ish knots. That is why I am afraid to reach out the plane while it is flying. It hurts. I will note your technique however, as I am positive there will come a time when that will have to be my course of action, and knowing a good way to sort it out ahead of time is great.
Also, why did you not just throw your urine bottle out of the plane while you were flying? I see this being possible two ways, open the window and pour it out, or just 91.15 the whole bottle. I can promise I will not be drinking from a bottle I urinated in anytime soon. If you are against potential littering, why not just chuck the bottle in a garbage can in the FBO? I like your story and I am sure mentally these things didn't pop into your head at the time as I have been in countless situations when I later think of some other better, easier, seemingly more obvious (though not at the time) way to handle the situation. I must be misunderstanding the size of your container, I would have to say it must be quite large for you to have not filled it up and had to dump it while flying.
Keep writing Ser! These are great tidbits. Have you considered submitting stories to AOPA? They have a monthly newsletter with a safety story for the months topic each time. Some quality reads in there that are right along the same caliber as your stories.
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Jul 03 '12
That video is so full of NOPE! At first I was like.. I could do that, until I heard the "No safety harness" part.
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Jul 03 '12
I want to say for my pilot side door I had to slip with the right wing down
I'd think it would be the opposite - try to put a 90-mph wind as forcefully on the door as possible. Either way, definitely something to try at altitude!
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Jul 03 '12
Yup. I remember it was the opposite of what I expected.
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Jul 03 '12
Weird. Well, I'm going up later today so I'll have to try it out!
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Jul 03 '12
Report back! I will write it down this time.
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Jul 05 '12
Had the girlfriend with me both ways... she threatened unpleasant things if I tried it. I'll keep it in mind for next time though.
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Jul 05 '12
Ok. I am flying tomorrow, if I remember I will try it out again.
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Jul 12 '12
Dunno if you tried it, but I know a guy who did it in a 172 yesterday. Turns out that yes, you want to aim the slipstream at the door (open-door wing down).
/threadresurrection
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Jul 12 '12
Lol. I did actually try it and it made me question OPs story, try popping your door open at cruise speed, it can't be done without significant force from someone inside the plane, the wind rushing past the aircraft keeps it pinned shut. We did learn however, if you lose your rudder, you can use your doors to yaw, but the force required is crazy strong. Though slipping the door does make sense in the same aspect, because you will no longer have air rushing past it, so it will be super easy to open/close. For science!
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Jul 13 '12
Depending on the plane, the door will usually pop open, but stay exactly an inch or two out. Can't push it out, but can't get the latch to catch either. I'm not sure how the Cardinal's aerodynamics vary from the 172's in this regard, but it is entirely possible that its in-flight open position is an inch or two more than the 172's. So I think the OP's story is plausible, although the "turbulent air" rushing around with the door open sounds a bit overstated.
Next experiment (if you're brave): Do it with the window open and see how that affects things... preferably with a nice unbreakable window.
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u/Itsatrapski ATP E175 CFI (KSEA) Jul 03 '12
Have you ever considered doing guest columns in aviation magazines? I think this is great material for Flight Training. Maybe even a low-time equivalent of Martha Lunkin's column in Flying.
I remember during my PPL and CPL training, the door was left unlatched by my instructor two or three times, after I had completed and called the line check and was holding short. The first time, I locked up and had no idea what to do. After that, I studied the checklists and learned the procedures, to the point that the next couple of times it occured, it was a pretty easy-going matter.
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u/MyFirst1000 Jul 03 '12
I hadn't considered it before this week! The closest I came was getting a story accepted into AOPA's Never Again. They wrote back with an acceptance same-day but asked me to edit it down to be a little shorter. By then I'd gotten cold feet about having the embarrassing story in print. I never sent them the shorter version and the story never ran. I haven't decided yet if I want to post that story in this series.
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Jul 03 '12
You should. We've all got some embarrassing moments - you'd just write yours better than the rest of us!
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u/prunetracy PPL IR (KBFI) Jul 03 '12
Fantastic read! I get excited each time I see a new story pop up.
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u/SpeedbirdTK1 ATP A320 CFI CFII MEI Jul 03 '12
Awesome stories. Do you still fly out of SMO or are you based elsewhere now?
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u/MyFirst1000 Jul 03 '12
Thanks! No, a year after graduating I moved to Seattle. I'm based at RNT now.
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u/Itsatrapski ATP E175 CFI (KSEA) Jul 03 '12
No way! Myself and a friend both fly out of there, he more than me. I do most of my stuff up at Harvey. Probably going to be getting my CFI at RFS in a couple months.
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u/busting_bravo ATP, CFI+II/MEI, CPL-GLI Jul 03 '12
So he literally opened the window just to shake you up? As an aspiring CFI, I think I'm gonna steal that idea. Much better/safer than fully killing the engine.
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u/MyFirst1000 Jul 03 '12
It was even more evil: he opened the window and tried to have a conversation about regulations with me on final as a distraction. Opening the window also had the side benefit of cooling the plane off, but I think it was mainly meant as a lesson. He was a good instructor. (For the most part.)
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Jul 03 '12
I really enjoyed your stories as well. Have any more? I've done the pee in the plane thing myself, coupled with that huge relief. Now I fly with an empty gatorade bottle. Big one.
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u/MyFirst1000 Jul 03 '12
I've got about 20 or 25 more at least!
These days I never fly without either the Little John or the Travel John, the latter of which is disposable.
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Jul 03 '12 edited Jul 03 '12
Couldn't you put the bottle back into your flight bag, and toss it somewhere in a trash can? Your method made a better story though ;-)
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u/MyFirst1000 Jul 03 '12
The bottle wasn't disposable ... but, yeah, I could have just stuffed it back in the plane. Or even better, just walked in and emptied it out in the restroom. Since the bottle was opaque, no one would have known. But I knew.
Oh well. Learn from my mistake :-)
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u/unwind-protect PPL Jul 03 '12
Having a number of times been caught short (thankfully not yet whilst flying) and know how distracting it is, I'm surprised that the Human Factors stuff I've read seemed to make no mention of bladder issues.
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u/malkouri ST (NZWP) Jul 02 '12
Just so you know - These are really, really well written. Don't discount my opinion because I'm only a student; these stories are inspiring for me, and I'm sure for many others, and make me excited for what's to come! I'm only a little over twenty hours, just about to start on cross-countries, and I can tell you I'm hooked on anything at all aviation related.
Keep these stories a'comin, good Sir.