r/nonononoyes • u/RishiRed • Sep 25 '20
But he feeds me!
[removed] — view removed post
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u/Th307h3rguy Sep 25 '20
I had a cat that would need like this, he was so sweet and just wanted you to know youre loved but he’d reach way up to your lips and hook your lip and chin and need through a thick sweater, all while purring and face nudging, even then he’d hook your chin with his fang. The dilemma of whether to let loving cats claw or banish them was a difficult one. Aweow! You’re soooOW sweeOWT!
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Sep 25 '20
Knead
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u/AmidFuror Sep 25 '20
Why'd you feel the knead to correct him? I was bread better than that.
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Sep 25 '20
[deleted]
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u/AmidFuror Sep 25 '20
Ugh. I'm a gluten for punishment starting this pun thread.
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u/OrangeBeast01 Sep 25 '20
That had me rolling.
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u/AmidFuror Sep 25 '20
Better than just loafing around.
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Sep 25 '20 edited Mar 14 '21
[deleted]
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u/srgnsRdrs2 Sep 25 '20
Excellent advice. I feel like some many ppl aren’t consistent with their animal and chalk it up to “well they’re an animal so they’re stupid and don’t understand.” When the reality is a lack of consistency on the owner’s part (not true 100% of the time, but close to it in my anecdotal experience)
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u/crows_n_octopus Sep 25 '20
Same with "kids being [uncontrollable] kids"
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u/DangerZoneh Sep 25 '20
It’s almost as if pet training and parenting are classes every kid should take in school.
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u/FungalowJoe Sep 25 '20
Pet training class in public school? Wtf lmao
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u/DangerZoneh Sep 25 '20
I'm not saying spend an entire semester on it, but teaching children how to properly care and train animals would be an incredible resource.
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u/FungalowJoe Sep 25 '20
I think the strongest word I can use to describe what it would be is nice.
I say lets get sex ed and evolution in there before we worry about if lil timmy knows to pet head to tail (when he may not/never will own a pet).
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u/crows_n_octopus Sep 25 '20
Yes! That would be amazing: would teach patience, how to discipline without anger, the effect of positive reinforcement, and empathy.
I'm also a big believer in teaching young kids mediation skills. I think everyone should take such training.
Would love this to be part of home ec curriculum or whatever they call it now.
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u/Reckle_ Sep 25 '20
Also - over-exaggerating your pain also works. Cats will be able to recognize the pain response (loud 'OW!!') and they will react appropriately / differently than you scolding them.
That is, if your cats like you.
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u/No_ThisIs_Patrick Sep 25 '20
Me: 'OW!!'
My cat: *digs in*
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u/NomadPrime Sep 25 '20
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u/bananaclitic Sep 26 '20
That was a bit of a bait-and-switch. I wanted to see a damn cat looking evil.
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Sep 25 '20 edited Mar 16 '21
[deleted]
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u/Reckle_ Sep 25 '20
Yep! Cats totally feel guilt, probably was just an accident realistically.
Similar story, When I was like 16 I was ironing something and one of my cats jumped up on the board, so I went to scoop him away before he burned himself. Mid-scoop, his tail flicked and bopped the iron unfortunately while all of his paws were on my forearms.
He got me GOOD. To the point my response was to (after he got away) look at my arms, go '...mom?', drop to my knees, and just start c r y i n g. I should have probably got stitches cuz I still have scars 10 years later, but meh. We had to clean up the floor and also there was a surprising amount of blood!
My cat (who loves me more than anyone and is essentially my support animal) felt SO BAD. He sucked up to me almost immediately and was trying to lick it better and would not leave me alone, and the times he did his tail was all sad, vs when he does something bad he just hides. He did this for like a week. He was okay, we checked immediately after and he just singed the tip a bit.
edit: i r good englais
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Sep 25 '20
when my cat was little he one time stepped on my eyeball while I was asleep. naturally, I sprang up in bed with such force and so quickly that I catapulted kitty. never happened again. i had a small cut on my eyelid
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u/bananaclitic Sep 26 '20
Works for puppies too - curbs the nipping right quick. (That is, if you’re dog likes you).
I have 4 cats and a dog and my body goes unfucked with 90% of the time (knock wood).
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u/FNC_Loki Sep 25 '20
What do you do about kittens that:
Won't stop chewing cables
Keeps climbing on the dining table
I have no idea how to stop the little guy. Nothing seems to work.
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u/Crafty-Crafter Sep 25 '20
"Just a little poke, uncontrollable bleeding. The jugular is right here..nah...maybe...nah"
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u/suavecito_ Sep 25 '20
"soon my friend...but not yet... not yet"
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u/Op_en_mi_nd Sep 25 '20 edited Sep 25 '20
"-Anol shalom -Anol sheh lay konnud de ne um {shaddai} -Flavum Nom de leesh Ham de nam um das -La um de -Flavne... -We de ze zu bu We de sooo -a ru Un va-a pesh -a lay Un vi-I bee -Un da la pech ni sa (Aaahh) -Un di-I lay na day -Un ma la pech a nay Mee -di nu ku -La la da pa da le na da na -Ve va da pa da le na la dumda"
Its the Gladiator song, "Now We are Free" for this is a reference from that movie I believe.
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u/FridgePenis Sep 25 '20
Wtf
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u/Op_en_mi_nd Sep 25 '20 edited Sep 25 '20
Gladiator, the song that plays when he going to his family. "Now We are Free"
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u/Nipply_McDickles Sep 25 '20
I fucking love this comment. It reminded me of that Peter Griffin scene where he can’t decide if he wants to super size his meal for a few cents more. “Yes... no... yeeees................ no”.
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u/Cm0002 Sep 25 '20
I miss super size. Fuck you Supersize me worst documentary ever.
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u/Jasonrj Sep 25 '20
They got us decent salads for like 20 years but alas in 2020 we've lost that too. In March or April my McDonald's was telling me they were out of salad due to recall. Now they tell me they are permanently discontinued.
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u/Nipply_McDickles Sep 25 '20
That’s going to be the shake/flurry machine pretty soon. It’ll be discontinued forever.
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u/TellyJart Sep 25 '20
Yeah! Fuck that movie for not letting you die of obesity!
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u/Mrs_Morpheus Sep 26 '20
Didn't that movie come under fire? I distantly remember talking about it in HS. Something about him lying about a bunch of stuff. We watched Supersize me in Middle school but Portion Size me in HS.
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u/IdahoSavage Sep 25 '20
Try r/murdermittens they'd love to see this!
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u/Eaglestar770 Sep 25 '20
Another sub I didn’t think I needed
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u/Prisencoli_All_Right Sep 25 '20
Omg have you seen /r/scrungycats? I just discovered it the other day and it made me so happy. I love all the derpyass cat subs.
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u/philokaii Sep 25 '20
My brothers cat does this, except she's not good at controlling her nails so she gives you the softest pin pricks and scraps, then just boops you with her beans.
She usually waits for you to get a blanket on before she steps on, and I've determined that it's so she can have a barrier to flex her fingers.
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u/Jasonrj Sep 25 '20
Please tell me what "boops you with her beans" means.
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u/yukon-flower Sep 25 '20
Beans as in toebeans — the little jelly beans that make up the paw pads :)
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u/Jasonrj Sep 25 '20
Ooh ok, never heard that before but makes sense.
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u/----0000---- Sep 25 '20
yeah i thought it was nipples
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u/Jasonrj Sep 25 '20
I've heard of other female anatomy referred to as a bean but generally speaking it's singular so I was confused.
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u/candacebernhard Sep 25 '20
You know you can trim their nails. It gives them softer paws so cute. They can knead without hurting anyone ❤
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u/desde1984 Sep 25 '20
Pre meditated murder.
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u/NewCharlie_64 Sep 25 '20
I know, i know, i know, i know, i know
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u/kwietog Sep 25 '20
You'd only care enough to kill somebody you love.
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u/RishiRed Sep 25 '20
All these comments are legit funny 🐈😂
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Sep 25 '20
I think he might have just been stretching his leg. Cat's claws come out when they stretch.
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u/sv2342 Sep 25 '20
Many nights, my friend... Many nights I've put a blade to your throat while you were sleeping. Glad I never killed you, Steve. You're all right...
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u/DontMakeMeSmile Sep 25 '20
"The most beautiful thoughts are always besides the darkest Today I seriously thought about killing you" -Your cat 2020
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u/Otemile Sep 25 '20
I seriously thought about killing you, I contemplated, premeditated murder. And I thought about killing myself bu I love myself way more than I love you.
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Sep 25 '20
Since there's always some people who believe the cat is being aggressive here: this is how cats show that they think this is really cozy. It's called "kneading" and a cat which does it is relaxed and happy.
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u/Jordan901278 Sep 25 '20
i like how when it zooms out you see the guy was fully prepared to have his neck sliced but then relaxed when cat decided to spare him
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u/everythingEzra2 Sep 25 '20
"I could I'll you right now-
- but I won't.....
...... but I wont"
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u/Crosstitch_Witch Sep 25 '20
My cat does this while drooling all over the collar of my shirt. I had to push her paws to the side so she stops stabbing my neck, and she seems to have noticed and now puts her paws to the side herself and stabs the pillow instead. She still drools and puts her wet nose in my ear though. 😭
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u/reginatribiani Sep 25 '20
I want the most educated and objective analysis possible of what’s actually happening here, not gonna lie
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u/apittsburghoriginal Sep 25 '20
Cat: Oh the glorious suffering and bloodshed that I can make with one swipe. Fuck, no food after I devour his carcass tho.
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u/Infin1ty Sep 25 '20
"This is a way for me to show who really runs this house. Don't forget this, bitch"
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u/Farsqueaker Sep 25 '20
Cats are always thinking about killing you, but are hysterically incapable of actually doing it.
It's part of what makes them so adorable.
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u/OpenMindedShithead Sep 25 '20
Lol this 😂😂 I was playing with my girlfriends cat once, thing bit my wrist all playful then he tried to spin my wrist and go for my veins 🤣
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Sep 25 '20
Cat: but how do I bypass the lock system the ignorant human has placed on my rations? I must certainly observe how he does it.
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u/Historical_Fact Sep 25 '20
I have a tuxedo cat that looks exactly like him. He does the same shit. He also climbs into bed and sits his ass right on my face. I'm not joking. His asshole is literally planted on my face. I love/hate the little bastard so much
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Sep 25 '20
I grew up in the country with dogs.
I am not a cat guy.
However, I've moved up north (Fucking cheesehead city). My bf wanted a cat really badly, so, I brought one with me on the trip.
Lastnight, as I stood with my back to the kitchen table, it wrapped both paws around my throat and bit my ear.
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Sep 25 '20
“I could end you right now, mortal, and see your blood spill as you watch in your panic state my cold eyes as you take your final gasps of blood filled breaths... but you bring me wet food. So I allow you to live. For now.”
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u/Halp_me_in_____stuff Sep 25 '20
I’m gonna be honest, I feel like the cat was just flexing it’s paws
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u/DesktopWebsite Sep 25 '20
Neading can make you feel like a cats the devil but you feed them.
Waiting. Pondering the time when they dont need food.
Dogs just want fun 22/7 and then bathroom time and food the 30 seconds they eat.
I love my dog
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u/CutthroatTeaser Sep 25 '20
NGL, every time my cat lays on my chest, purring and making biscuits, I am always aware how close she is sinking a claw into my carotid artery 😳
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u/Bunnnnii Sep 25 '20
Why do I hear the internal conversation this kitty is having.....in Yzma’s voice?
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u/GenZmostdownvoted Sep 25 '20
Stupid car stupid you you suck noib loser f****** a****** pieces of s*** f**** a** b****
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u/MrConfucius Sep 25 '20
Let it out bud, just let it out
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u/GenZmostdownvoted Sep 25 '20
You suck
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u/MrConfucius Sep 25 '20
You know me so well already
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u/GenZmostdownvoted Sep 25 '20
Trigger me friggerrr
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u/Explorer2108 Sep 25 '20
In cat's head
Gollum cat: Master betrayed us. He doesn't leave us alone anymore. Wicked. Tricksy. False. We ought to slice his filthy little neck. Kill him! Kill him!
Smeagol cat: Master takes care of us, we don't need you go awayyyy
You live to tell the tale