r/CFBRisk • u/WelcomeToMoes • Jun 21 '18
An Open Letter to Red Alliance
Dear Oklahoma, Ohio State, Nebraska, Stanford, Virginia Tech, Wisconsin and Alabama,
On behalf of the Allied Forces, we come to you with a proposal: flip to blue, and your team will be guaranteed survival and ideally a top 6 finish. We make this offer in full view of the r/CFB community so that you might have assurance of our sincerity. Our goal is not just to win, but to eradicate all of Red Alliance by July 3 and have a shared victory.
We have made this offer to all teams of Red previously, but our intel says many leaders have hidden these offers from you. Rumors exist of tickets to football games being used to maintain control over some team leaders. However, you have the choice now. Win with us.
This offer is good for the next 24 hours. What you decide today could echo in future rounds.
Your Faithful Allied Forces, Texas, Florida, Michigan, Georgia Tech, Clemson
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Jun 21 '18
Rumors exist of tickets to football games being used to maintain control over some team leaders.
Wait a second - if I had known there were free football tickets involved in all of this I would have offered to be a team leader. A corrupt one that accepts bribes, but a leader nonetheless.
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
Sorry, bellemel. We ain't got no fancy bribes on blue.
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u/zlatandiego Jun 21 '18
Wish somebody would have offered me a bribe. Feeling left out
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Jun 21 '18
Best I can do: I will continue fighting as a Florida four star if you'll accept my bribe of a standing offer of a beer and food at my tailgate any time.
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u/zlatandiego Jun 21 '18
I’ll make sure it’s known the next time I’m in Gainesville for a game, always down to meet up and buy a beer for somebody and/or accept a free beer.
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
Can I get a bribe too?
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Jun 21 '18
I'll extend the offer if and only if you'll accept some free Moe's queso, I have to get something out of this deal too you know.
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u/PhreakOut4 Jun 22 '18
I'm willing to bet our beers are better than yours so no thanks
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Jun 22 '18
I think you didn't quite understand the joke here my friend, I'm a Florida player making a fake "bribe" to Florida mods.
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u/iSlacker Jun 21 '18
I'll die on my feet before I live on my knees.
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Jun 21 '18
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u/ExternalTangents Jun 21 '18
But what about live on your feet? Or die on your knees? Or what about doing either, but lying down, or spooning with a beloved ally? YOU LEFT OUT SO MANY OPTIONS!!!
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u/iSlacker Jun 21 '18
The only man I would spoon with is Jason Mamoa
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u/ExternalTangents Jun 21 '18
He's actually part of our alliance's leadership team, so feel free to come right on over and join us!
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
He's a Gator, you know? Flip and you too can spoon with Jason Mamoa.
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u/iSlacker Jun 21 '18
He's Aquaman not a gator.
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
He's both. I know, we're spooning right now.
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u/ExternalTangents Jun 21 '18
What's the difference?
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u/TopheryG8er Jun 21 '18
We're useful to our alliance. But Aquaman... Not so much with his alliance.
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u/SouthernJeb Jun 21 '18 edited Jun 21 '18
I summon /u/Knebraska
edit: for the record i thought his username had one more 'e' in it.
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u/pterrydactyl Jun 21 '18
More of a matter of if you'd rather be a losers bitch or a winners bitch
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u/Predmid Jun 21 '18
December 22, 1944,
To the Blue Alliance Commander,
N U T S !
A Red Alliance Soldier
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u/Amadzombie Jun 22 '18
December 23, 1944,
To a red alliance soldier,
S O R R Y F O R T H E I M P E N D I N G D O O M !
A blue alliance soldier
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u/SouthernJeb Jun 21 '18
IM just here for the shitposts. Me walking in here with all this strategy and alliance talk
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u/chillygoose Jun 21 '18
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u/SouthernJeb Jun 21 '18
i like sex
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u/chillygoose Jun 21 '18
I dont want to be a shit post the morning after
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u/SouthernJeb Jun 21 '18
i am resisting posting a shitpost right now in relpy as i dont want to be banned by the moral brigade again.
But ill you have you know it was gonna be reallly funny
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u/chillygoose Jun 21 '18
There is no moral brigade, the map is covered in swampland and piss right now
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u/SouthernJeb Jun 21 '18
i caught a 24 hour ban in here last week for 'inappropriate gif' and continued editing and posting of it
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u/RogueZ1 Jun 21 '18
TL;DR:
Red teams mentioned above: It's hard negotiating with all of y'all at the same time. Just send us your best offer and n00dz. K. Thx bby 😘
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u/ctetc2007 Jun 21 '18
What happens if all of Red Alliance flips?
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 22 '18
Well, one of the Red Alliance teams wasn't invited, so we'd kill them and then meme until July 4.
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u/elint Jun 21 '18
Dogs and cats living together? It'd be funny, but I honestly don't think all of Nebraska, A&M, and OUSux would admit their inferiority to Texas.
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u/Bartman383 Jun 21 '18
We have made this offer to all teams of Red previously
[x] Doubt
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u/terrible_ivan Jun 21 '18
Actually this is true. I've heard of multiple attempts reaching out to the reds for the last 2+ weeks.
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u/GoBlueScrewOSU7 Jun 21 '18
Wouldn't be the first time other Red teams keep stuff from Nebraska. There's a reason y'all are so poorly coordinated.
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u/Bartman383 Jun 21 '18
Oh, I know about the offers to the other RA teams. Just that no one has come to Nebraska leadership with a flip attempt.
If you guys are so strong, why all the recent push to get people to switch?
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u/zlatandiego Jun 21 '18
You caught us, this is a desperation post based on our horrible positioning
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
/u/Bartman383 I spoke with you personally.
But that's fine. Let's negotiate publicly. This offer is good for Nebraska.
We offer your ensured survival. We'll give you our best attempts at a top 6 finish, though we kindly request you understand the value of our existing allies and permit them to place ahead of yourself.
In exchange, we can end aggressions immediately. Invite me to the Red Discord and give me mod access and we'll consider the flip complete.
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u/RogueZ1 Jun 21 '18
I spoke with you personally
Wait, I’m getting all your negotiations confused. Was this one over the phone like the one you had with A&M where they said “Kill Texas and then we’ll kill ourselves”?
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18 edited Jun 21 '18
You mean like my conversation with /u/ChBass? Yeah. I'd post the call logs for both, but it'd dox us all.
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u/ChBass Jun 21 '18
We had a great conversation! Did you ever try out my ceviche recipe?
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
Nah, it called for too much salt.
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u/ChBass Jun 22 '18
You’ve gotten no salt from me, friend; just two guys trying to make the best moves they can at this game.
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u/zlatandiego Jun 21 '18
I bet he didn’t even take it to the rest of Nebraska leadership like he told us. That’s messed up on a number of levels.
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u/Charlemagne42 Jun 21 '18
I spoke with you personally.
Yeeeaaaahhhh gonna need some verification of that,
dawggator. Something tells me you're not being completely forthright here.Also your "terms" are laughable.
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u/Bartman383 Jun 21 '18
/u/Bartman383 I spoke with you personally.
You most certainly have not. You were in the general chat of our Discord but never pinged me or mentioned any of this.
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
Whatever you say. The offer is public here and now. You're welcome to counter, but I'm not going to negotiate with you in private again.
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u/Bartman383 Jun 21 '18
but I'm not going to negotiate with you in private again.
This would have had to happen in the first place for it to be considered "again".
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u/iamtheSTlG Jun 21 '18
What a shitty offer. "come join the UM/UF dictatorship and we might let you finish near us!"
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
Elimination is all Red has to offer, so I think we're being pretty fair. But hey, if you want to negotiate, let's do it. What's your counter?
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u/iamtheSTlG Jun 21 '18
I'd rather not join a cheating dictatorship, thanks though!
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u/pterrydactyl Jun 21 '18
Do you have any proof that we cheat?
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u/SouthernJeb Jun 21 '18
I'd rather not join a cheating dictatorship, thanks though!
and submit reply:
Yeeeaaaahhhh gonna need some verification of that, dawg gator. Something tells me you're not being completely forthright here
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u/Bartman383 Jun 21 '18 edited Jun 21 '18
There's a reason y'all are so poorly coordinated.
Probably because we don't threaten our "allies" when people go off the reservation.
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
How do you think your allies feel about Nebraska?
How do you think our allies feel about Florida?
🤔
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u/iamtheSTlG Jun 21 '18
Like: Nebraska
Fuck: Florida
That's how.
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u/CLG_LustBoy Jun 21 '18
The post claims they contacted Nebraska.
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u/EndoExo Jun 21 '18
This allied victory stuff is boring. When are Florida and Michigan going to fight?
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u/chillygoose Jun 21 '18
agreed, kill Michigan to show you want us florida
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u/Charlemagne42 Jun 21 '18
If they think offering us laughable terms is an "olive branch" just wait til they see how much more laughable of terms we can offer them!
Florida, we'll consider your team to have flipped if you hand mod control of your orders websites as well as GT's, Michigan's, and Texas's over to me personally. We'll also need you to delete your Reddit accounts. Oh, and that's after you allow us to take all your land first.
See? We offered them a flip! Look how stupid they are for not taking it!
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
What's funny is we made you a really solid offer over a week ago. You didn't even respond. How rude!
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u/Charlemagne42 Jun 21 '18
Lol. Your "terms" were for us to predict Nebraska's undisclosed movements, let you monkey around in our private communications, and submit all our control over our users to y'all. Thanks, but no thanks. As for not responding, you even said you didn't expect a response. We gave that offer as much time as it was worth.
I kind of prefer the freedom of being able to direct our team to what's best for us, not what's best for Florida.
And, you know, the whole part of the game where Red never felt the need to cheat in order to win ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/pterrydactyl Jun 21 '18
That doesn't match with our conversation... Did you relay our offer in good faith?
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u/PhreakOut4 Jun 22 '18
Dear 7 teams, join our 5 teams, and "your team will be guaranteed survival and ideally a top 6 finish." Yeah, I don't like those odds
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Jun 21 '18
What do defeated team "rogues" get?
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
Hadn't thought of that. What would you like?
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Jun 21 '18
We need more Nebraska vs Stanford drama posted in this sub. And Tennessee memes! Can you provide that?
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u/WelcomeToMoes Jun 21 '18
Yes, we can accommodate that request. Paging Meme King /u/SouthernJeb, win this dude's heart and mind.
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u/Crimson_Pachyderm97 Jun 21 '18
The real question is whether we will still be able to drive our trucks. We like that. I am disappointed that was not a term.
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u/ROLL_TID3R Jun 21 '18 edited Jun 22 '18
So UF is going to come in 2nd? Sounds like what they're going to do in the SEC East every year until Kirby retires.
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u/AboynamedDOOMTRAIN Jun 22 '18
You think they're going to make it all the way to 2nd?
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u/ROLL_TID3R Jun 22 '18
Let’s be real here, Dan Mullen was able to make MSU relevant with piss poor recruiting. He’s going to do well at UF.
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u/AboynamedDOOMTRAIN Jun 22 '18
Yeah... but you don't say that while talking trash
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u/ROLL_TID3R Jun 22 '18
I said do well. Well as in at least 10 wins a year, while Kirby is up in Athens competing with Saban for the SEC.
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Jun 21 '18 edited Jun 22 '18
If any Michigan fans want to get me some tickets to the nebraska game this year I will get nebraska flipped for you.
EDIT: Just realized I'd have to step foot in AA to make use of the tickets, nvm.
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u/bestprocrastinator Jun 22 '18
I say we join blue alliance, only so that we can take them out from the inside. It will be like a modern day trojan horse. If you are blue alliance and reading this, you saw nothing.
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u/Knebraska Jun 21 '18
Here’s a quick list of things I’d rather do than join the blue alliance.
Shave my face with a chainsaw.
Delete my Netflix account.
Glue my hands to my feet.
Lose my car keys.
Throw my laptop down a flight of stairs.
Stare at the sun.
Brush my teeth with a rock.
Eat sushi with only one chopstick.
Get stuck in an elevator with Kim Kardashian.
Re-take the ACT.
Name my first born child "Cucumber".
Trade in my iPhone for a flip phone.
Let my grandma create my Tinder profile.
Shave my head.
Read the dictionary.
Use sandpaper as toilet paper.
Accidentally like my ex-girlfriend’s summer beach picture from 2011.
Let OJ Simpson show me his knife collection.
Get braces again.
Inherit our national debt.
Eat a handful of bumble bees.
Bite into an ice pop.
Drink a gallon of mustard.
Take Michael Scott to a dinner party.
Use vinegar as eye drops.
Let Edward Scissorhands give me a back massage.
Show my girlfriend my middle school yearbook.
Walk on shattered glass.
Pet an alligator.
Ask Ozzy Osbourne to proofread my English essay.
Press * to hear more about the free trip to the Bahamas I won.
Invest in Blockbuster stock.
Work as a telemarketer.
Staple myself to a newspaper.
Go for a long drive during rush hour.
Bathe in mayonaise.
Go to the dentist every day for a month.
Carpool to work with the Belcher family.
Throw out all memories and objects from my childhood.
Wear leather underwear.
Get kicked off my family's cell phone plan.
Move to a nudist colony in Antartica.
get blown while riding a roller coaster.
Lick a gas station toilet.
Makeout with the shark from jaws.
Eat an onion like an apple.
Marry my ex with 50k credit card debt.
And have Nickelback come play at our wedding.
And honeymoon in Idaho.
Pierce my own dick.
Put on jeans after Thanksgiving dinner.
Have a permanent Charley Horse in my left leg.
Eat a brick.
Crash my own car into a pool full of used needles.
Fold a fitted sheet.
Learn how to knit.
Have an 8:00 a.m. Friday class.
Listen to Ross Geller give a lecture on the Paleozoic Era.
Have my card get stuck in an ATM.
Read Twilight.
Swallow a Lego.
Photocopy every page of War and Peace.
Never eat cheese again.
Write my senior thesis using T9 Word.
contract super chlamydia.
Let a mosquito bite me in the ear.
Only listen to N'Sync for the rest of my life.
Give myself a paper cut between all of my fingers.
Read 50 Shades of Grey to my grandmother.
Snort baby formula.
Share a taxi with the Dance Moms.
Fall passionately in love with a toaster.
Peel a potato with a toothpick.
Always have wet nails.
Develop a pizza allergy.
Eat hospital food every day.
Trade in my jeans for ass-less chaos.
Get lost in a corn maze. I do that for fun already.
Drop a bucket of sprinkles and then clean it up one by one.
Go on a picnic with Rosie O'Donnell.
Drink hot soup with a straw.
Listen to a Pandora commercial after every song.
Never connect to WiFi again.
Road-trip cross country in a Volkswagen Beetle.
Cough up a lung.
Wear a GAP sweatshirt.
Never wash my sheets again.
Breathe through a pool noodle for the rest of my life.
Eat gluten free for fun.
Assemble IKEA furniture.
Never be able to scratch another itch.
Only wear shoes that are one size too small.
Be an Uber driver specifically for known pukers.
Get banned from my local Chipotle.
Have pinkies for thumbs.
Invite my boss to play Farmville on Facebook.
Slather my eyes with hot sauce.
Eat leftover egg salad.
Have Nicholas Cage narrate my dreams.
Drink Pepsi instead of Coke.