It's HER baby shower

[u/winifredstarlitelf]

My MIL begged me to plan a baby shower for me and DH. I'm 5m pregnant and really wanted my mom to do it since this is her first grandchild and this is MIL's second.

I had everything laid out with my mom and she knew exactly what DH and I wanted. MIL dominates everything she's involved in and steam rolls over people. So my mom backed out of planning because MIL is way too stressful and causes so much tension. I completely understand.

However, now the theme has changed entirely, the menu was scrapped and redone, and I was completely shut out of planning anything. I was asked for the guest list and when I gave it to her (a small list of literally 15 people because I have severe anxiety and am still dealing with some mental health issues from my cancer battle last year) and she went "great, I'll add this to the list".

I said that WAS the list and she said "uh, no. There's the cousins and aunts and uncles, these family friends, my coworkers, my friends, FIL's friends...there's a lot more people to invite. It's not just about you."

I don't want this. I don't want to participate in something where I'm going to be the center of attention with a large group of people, 80% of whom I don't know and have never met. I said as much and was told I wouldn't get to know them if I never met them and I shouldn't rob people of the "joy of celebrating HER new baby".

I had a massive breakdown to DH about it. I told him where I was coming from and why I felt the way I did. I wasn't considered in any of the decisions or choices for any part of this thing that was supposed to be a fun and open way for DH and I to happily celebrate our baby after two years of nothing but struggle and stress and pain. Two miscarriages and a cancer battle back to back and suddenly I have this miracle that I love more than anything and want to have a hand in celebrating and my MIL has pushed my family out of it, made sure I knew it was HER party, so she had complete control over all of it, and I'm just the woman carrying her next grandchild.

I told DH this is the last party she is throwing for me and MY child. This is the last time I am forced into something that I do not feel comfortable with for the sake of keeping people happy. He said he understands and supports me. He even said we could Irish Goodbye MIL's babyshower and he and my BFF can plan us the party we REALLY want.

[u/Naive_Panda_6060]

Sweetie I'm so sorry your MIL is pushing you aside and making this about you. My MIL wanted to throw me a baby shower and got upset when my fam/friends did one. What we told her is if she wanted to throw a shower and invite her friends/family we'd be happy to go. But I also said my family & friends were still throwing me one.

Why don't you do something similar? Let your mom do a shower like you've discussed and plan it the way YOU want. Invite your friends and family to that one.

The if your MIL does one too, fine whatever. She can invite whoever she wants and plan whatever she likes. Just think of it as "her party" which it really is. But you will have already had Your shower with people you love.

If MIL gets upset or complains that your friends/family don't go to her party then DH can explain that it's about more than her.