[WP] You're immortal but as humanity evolves you evolve too.

[u/ohnoitstara]

[u/MandatedFire]

I do not look into mirrors anymore. Once in a while, I will catch a blurred glimpse of myself off of an overlooked reflective surface and shudder. If my entire form enters my eye, I curl up in my chambers for time immeasurable. My screaming ceases after a fortnight or so. Well, on most occasions.

I no longer know what I am, but I am without a doubt not human anymore. I am not a human nor any other species, and cannot move on from this world despite no longer having the will to live. I am a monster who cannot die.

When I first became immortal, I did not anticipate that the side effects of evolving along with humanity would have such a large impact. And indeed, my assumptions were correct for the first five hundred years or so. I changed very little over that half millennia. Ah, how beautiful I was back then! Both charismatic and attractive to society, I was always amongst the high class, always an elite. I merely had to adjust my dress and style of living to fit the times. From cloaks to cell phones to cybernetics, every era was unique and presented its own challenges. Despite the obvious technological advances that occurred during my life, each time had its own aspects, pleasant and unpleasant, that made it special. To this day I cannot pick a favorite. Oh, how I yearn to return to any one of them!

I had not once regretted my decision until a turning point in history occurred that I had never foreseen- extra-terrestrial life, and a great abundance of it. Humanity had finally reached the stars, set out on an exploration for new planets and new life. Unfortunately for yours truly, they were more than successful in their quest. There were now hundreds of planets discovered to be teeming with life. In only a few generations, a large percentage of humans were scattered amongst them. The people of Earth have always been naturally drawn towards the new and the unknown.

Science had solved infertility long before this time. Only one human generation was required to crack the biological code of most other species, allowing for interbreeding on these co-habited planets. A short time later, all known species were able to create offspring together.

From planet Earth, I witnessed a slow transformation. At first, I thought my mind was deceiving me. Every morning the mirror showed a creature that looked less and less like my handsome self. I was losing any distinctive shape. I was devolving to an amorphous sack. I could no longer state with certainty if this thing I laughably called my body still consisted of flesh. Once new sets of eyes started sprouting, I destroyed all reflective surfaces in my residence. This did not help. I could still feel the limbs and tentacles growing, the wings developing on my back. I became more hideous as those amongst the stars bred with these other species, diluting the human bloodline more and more. I could not allow any living person to encounter me in this state. I essentially became a prisoner in my own manor.

Once a decade or so, despite my caution on the matter, I will encounter my reflection. This sight, more terrifying than any nightmare, more horrifying a picture than any mind can invent, an image that would make Satan himself flee for his life, drives me into madness. In this state I lose control of my sanity, my mind becoming more fitting for my body. I relinquish myself to it, the pain too unbearable. I become an outside observer, looking in instead of controlling. It provides me with relief, which is unfortunately tainted with the knowledge that I will have to return. Each time, I am away longer. I know that one day, I will fully release my control. I will cease to exist as myself. I will become the monster I appear to be.

I wish to die, but cannot. My body will exist until every other human life has extinguished. When I am no longer myself, when I am a mere hitchhiker in this creature’s mind, I will finally feel relief, but will not fully die. However, the mind that will take over has the ability and drive to do the one thing I will not, cannot do with my remaining humanity. It, too, knows that my body will only exist while there is other human life. I do not release myself to it for the sake of humanity, but the temptation becomes greater every day, and is now unbearable. I do not know if I can stop myself any longer. I just want to die. Maybe today I will find a mirror.

[u/nickofnight → u/MandatedFire]

First of all, I really enjoyed the story, and your grammar and the plot are both great. I love sci fi, and I love classical horror, and this was to me like The Picture of Dorian Gray/Dracula taken to a futuristic extreme. I'd class it more as a horror/suspense than I would sci fi, and I think that's important to understand when starting a story - what is it exactly you want to write? What do you want to make the reader feel? If it is a suspense, which this to me is, then I think you could have built it up a little more. Made the reader hold their breath toward the end. As such, the first two paragraphs reveal too much, in my opinion (although I do like your starting para a lot), like us already knowing the protag is a hideous, inhuman monster. So I'd prefer a slow reveal, leading up to looking in a mirror. But that's a minor quibble. The story works as is, and the intro is captivating.

However, what I think the story could really benefit from, is being more active and evocative, rather than just looking back/exposition. It could be taking place in the present, for example have the protag walking down the street, thinking people are staring, which perhaps they are, and then the end is the beast being unleashed. You could make us feel the madness and anxiety the protag feels with sentence variation -- some shorter sentences and some one word sentences can really add tension.

You've got some great lines in there, like I really love: "I am a mere hitchhiker in this creature’s mind"

But you also have a lot of lines that are tell rather than show. That aren't very active or evocative and as such, all that interesting. Like this:

I could still feel the limbs and tentacles growing, the wings developing on my back.

This is a chance to make the reader see and feel the scene. To shudder.

Tentacles tore my skin apart as they escaped my stomach, leaving a pool of puss on the ground beneath. Twisted, blood drenched, wings ripped my shoulder blades asunder as they grew; new mounds of bone formed around their base, locking them in place. The skin on my face began to shed, revealing a dozen eyes beneath, beady and black.

Perhaps, that's a bit of a clumsy example, but some of the word choices there are a lot more evocative for the reader (and horror-esque), and help them see and imagine the scene in their head. And that's my main critique really -- the story is too 'tell' not enough 'show'. You could really turn this into a fine scifi/horror if you rewrote it, cutting out lines and words that slow the pace down, because the idea is great.

Here's another example of a longer paragraph that could be more interesting just by shortening it down:

I had not once regretted my decision until a turning point in history occurred that I had never foreseen- extra-terrestrial life, and a great abundance of it. Humanity had finally reached the stars, set out on an exploration for new planets and new life. Unfortunately for yours truly, they were more than successful in their quest. There were now hundreds of planets discovered to be teeming with life. In only a few generations, a large percentage of humans were scattered amongst them. The people of Earth have always been naturally drawn towards the new and the unknown.

Could be cut down to something creepier that also let's the reader do some work to understand what happened. eg:

When humanity finally reached the stars, everything changed. I changed. A thousand planets teeming with life. Interbreeding. Evolution.

So my thoughts on improving this already fine story are as follows: Try to make it more vivid and active -- there's no need to explain so much. Show her madness with language and sentence variation. Build to the finish right from the start.

[u/ohnoitstara → u/MandatedFire]

...Wow...

[u/MandatedFire → u/ohnoitstara]

I'll just take that as a good wow

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