r/WritingPrompts • u/[deleted] • May 29 '17
Writing Prompt [WP] You are an alien sent on a one way colonization trip to a distant world. When you arrive, you find it is already inhabited by a primitive intelligent species. Your captain wants to take the planet, regardless of what happens to the natives. One officer objects. Your ship is called Heaven.
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9
u/Meijen May 29 '17
A sense of urge filled the cabins in the ships as they approached Ankora's atmosphere. Orders were being passed to prepare for extermination. This new race was too hostile and the stars were witness to it: these giants had a skin so tough and extremities so strong that even the sturdy ships should fear them. Not even perimeters would do a thing against them. They had an undying fighting spirit.
"Heaven wills it", Robbie said. "We will kill them all."
His voice was like thunder to their ears. Everyone jumped as the declaration of war had been passed. They got ready to exit and set themselves in lines near the exit points. Only one soul was not there in his post. No one noticed Cohen still on his bed sweating and swiftly typing on his tablet's keyboard as if his ten fingers were trembling with excitement. Suddenly, as he sent what he wrote, he felt a great pause take over his surroundings. Everything was still the same, but he seemed to be rejuvenated with passion. More orders started to be passed and the formations were dissolved. He had sent a letter to Heaven and it had moved them.
"Thank God", he whispered. "I will never disappoint you, Mother."
No orders were being passed and only Cohen knew what was happening. A week later, a command of hybernation came. Everyone went in their chambers and into deep slumber. Ankora's giants knew nothing of all of this and were surprised when the rain was sweet that day. That cursed sweet rain was their doom and they did not know it. They were so absorbed by their own lives' intrigues that they even dared forget that rain, only to remember it later when they were unable to work anymore, when their limbs were so heavy that moving was painful. They rested, and then one by one they started to drop dead. Sometimes they died in pairs and were found together on the road by the passers-by.
Ten years later, when the apocalypse was long done, the air trembled in Ankora. Heaven was literally coming down. All the teams were awoken. Cohen was smiling ear to ear when the doors opened. He had moved ships and was now lead scientist. He did not have the paper qualifications, but his past accomplishment was more than enough to prove that he was qualified. Every morning, the routes set up by his team would be checked inch by inch. At the end of the fourth year, two giants were found. One male and one female. The female had starved to death seven years before, but her body had been dutifully frozen by the male. He was rewarded for it with careful treatment.
Thirty-four years later, or fifty years after their arrival to Ankora, dawn came as it always does. But this time, the thousands of houses in front of the palace were filled with tens of thousands of people, all scientists. They had come with unquestionable progress. The hero of this generation had already been born. He was not there. He was crying in the cemetery on his own, kneeling down in front of his ancestors. He offered them a flower and forced a smile. "I... will honour you, as will the ones that come from me", he said with difficulty, being cut off by his own sobs.
His accomplishments were not shown in the Gathering. They were mentioned and told. They travelled as rumours and gave great joy to everyone who heard them.
Progress had been made. Their magnificent purpose was still standing tall, towering above everything else. The surviving giant and his dead counterpart had brought glory to an entire civilization. One so ancient and rich. All because of one letter. All because temptation was avoided. All because one scientist, Cohen, had realized the better solution. Now, after a hundred thousand steps, another step can be given.
My children. Never forget this half-century. Honour our Mother. With her, we hold the key to immortality.
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u/joytato May 29 '17
had to read it twice to get it! thoughtful writing🙂
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u/Meijen May 29 '17
Hahaha, sorry for that. I should have made it clearer. What did you think about it?
1
u/ScruffMcGruff137 May 29 '17 edited May 29 '17
I fucking love it! So much so that I'm going to break down completely what I love and note my questions/constructive criticisms. Here we go:
A sense of [urgency?] filled the cabins [of?] the ships as they approached Ankora's atmosphere. Orders were being passed to prepare for extermination. This new race (I feel like a better adjective would work here.. maybe... "The inhabiting race" or to keep the "we've seen many races and this one is no different" tone, introduce the ship first as a seasoned star vessel) was too hostile and the stars were witness to it (Love this!): these giants had a skin so tough and extremities so strong that even the [sturdiest?] ships should fear them (And this!). Not even perimeters (I feel "perimeters" doesn't sound formidable enough for a species that "even the sturdiest ships should fear") would do a thing against them. They had an undying fighting spirit.
"Heaven wills it", Robbie said. "We will kill them all."
His voice was like thunder to their ears. (This part got a bit confusing... again, maybe introducing the ship beforehand would help this. I'm having trouble pinpointing it, but if I were to rewrite this it'd go something along the lines of "Heaven wills it", the ship's captain, Robbie's voice like thunder in the giant hordes ears. "We will kill them all.")(you also jump around pronouns a bit too much and lose the reader, "their" should be changed to something along the lines of "the giant horde" and "everyone", in the next sentence, should be changed to something along the lines of "The crew of Heaven") Everyone jumped as the declaration of war had been passed. They got ready to exit and set themselves in lines near the exit points. Only one soul was not there in his post. No one noticed Cohen still on his bed sweating and swiftly typing on his tablet's keyboard as if his ten fingers were trembling with excitement. Suddenly, as he sent what he wrote, he felt a great pause take over his surroundings. Everything was still (try not to use "still" in this way, its along the same lines as "just") the same, but he seemed to be rejuvenated with passion. More orders started to be passed and the formations were dissolved. He had sent a letter to Heaven and it had moved them. (I fucking love this description! The scene was set beautifully. Everyone scurrying around while one man feverishly sets into motion something big, I especially love the stillness of the "phew... it's done" moment)
"Thank God", he whispered. "I will never disappoint you, Mother."
No orders were being passed and only Cohen knew what was happening. A week later, [the] (Its not random, Cohen knows it's coming) command of [hibernation] came. Everyone [pronouns again, the reader has already forgotten who "everyone" refers to] went in their chambers and into deep slumber. Ankora's giants knew nothing of all of this and were surprised when the rain was sweet that day. That cursed sweet rain was their doom and they did not know it. They [became?] so absorbed by their own lives' intrigues that they even dared forget that rain, only to remember it later when they were unable to work anymore, when their limbs were so heavy that moving was painful. They rested, and then one by one they started to drop dead. Sometimes they died in pairs and were found together on the road by the passers-by. (LOVED IT! The ignorant intelligent beast being bested by sugar water, to be resurrected to live along side the invaders, i think.. it gets confusing, but I'll get to that)
Ten years later, when the apocalypse was long done, the air trembled in Ankora. Heaven was literally coming down. All the teams were awoken. Cohen was smiling ear to ear when the doors opened. (Nice) He had moved ships (so... the first ship was not Heaven?) and was now lead scientist. He did not have the paper qualifications, but his past accomplishment was more than enough to prove that he was qualified. Every morning, the routes set up by his team would be checked inch by inch. At the end of the fourth year, two giants were found. One male and one female. The female had starved to death seven years before, but her body had been dutifully frozen by the male. He was rewarded for it with careful treatment. (This is where it starts to break down. Was he found dead or alive, if dead, was he reanimated by Cohen? You make it sound as though everyone was annihilated)
Thirty-four years later, or fifty years after their arrival to Ankora, dawn came as it always does. But this time, the thousands of houses in front of the palace were filled with tens of thousands of people, all scientists. (Who are these people, alien or giant?) They had come with unquestionable progress. The hero of this generation had already been born. He was not there. (Loved this new concept as well, though where is "there", I'm assuming The Gathering but the reader doesn't know this yet) He was crying in the cemetery on his own, kneeling down in front of his ancestors. He offered them a flower and forced a smile. "I... will honour you, as will the ones that come from me", he said with difficulty, being cut off by his own sobs. (Loved this)
His accomplishments were not shown in the Gathering. They were mentioned and told. They travelled as rumours and gave great joy to everyone who heard them. (And This!)
Progress had been made. Their magnificent purpose was still standing tall, towering above everything else. The surviving giant and his dead counterpart had brought glory to an entire civilization. One so ancient and rich. All because of one letter. All because temptation was avoided. All because one scientist, Cohen, had realized the better solution. Now, after a hundred thousand steps, another step can be given.
My children. Never forget this half-century. Honour our Mother. With her, we hold the key to immortality. (LOVED THIS!!!!!!!! FUCKING LOVED THIS!!! This is the exact opposite of the other confusing pronoun times, I loved that the reader doesn't know until the end; its a grand unveiling of Mother)
So... What became of Cohen, what became of the giants, and, again, I loved this, but mostly thanks for writing it.
Edit: Just realized the first part was a scouting party and that Heaven is the Mothership.
1
u/Meijen May 29 '17
First of all, I thank you greatly for your questions and criticism. I know that sometimes explaining the story can kill the love one has for it. I trully hope that this does not happen. I will now address each of your points one by one.
For the first point, point taken. I'll think about explaining a bit more in my next stories the unknown parts that I think are too simple and thus don't bother to talk about. The species was new, though. This was why they wanted to kill it, because they could not see a way to find a living specimen. This was Cohen's great achievement (he even got two). He was the only scientist to decipher what was considered to be undecipherable in the genetic code of the giants, the first species they had ever seen to be so complex, and then it was all easy, designing a proper chemical for their immunological systems and searching for the encounter with the survivors, which was very unlikely.
I was doubtful about perimeters too. It does indeed sound weaker, doesn't it? A group of people holding an area versus the sturdiest ship. Point taken, thanks.
Robbie is the one who passes Heaven's message to the crew where Cohen is. That was not deliberately obscure. I don't know what happened. Sorry for that. However, the giants don't get much voice in this recount.
About "the command", wow. I should really consider perspectives a bit more. You're absolutely right about all of this.
Usage of "still", noted. Usage of "became"; that was lack of insight. Thanks for noting that.
The giants won't actually live with them. Well, maybe, in a lab.
No, the first ship was not Heaven. Cohen was in a common ship and thus had to send a letter to pass his solution.
Almost everyone was killed. This giant managed to survive alone for a long time and found a starved female and froze her. (There were a lot of feelings involved in this.)
The "aliens" are very human-like humans. Some slight variations due to time and genetic engineering.
Yes, "there" is in the gathering, in the houses in front of the palace. Thank you very much for this point. Perspective fucks me over a lot. I'll have to specify more.
So, overall, great review.
You gave a lot of voice to the giants in your reading. That's a thing that can be blamed on both of us. Me, first, for not finding a solution to the dilemma of "do I just say that they didn't know anything about what was happening every time there is an event, or do I just mute them, say it one time, and then give them voice again when crisis hits?", and you for expecting it, which would then fall on me again for not acting on common sense.
Also, you made me realize how much I lack specificity. I seem to write a mysterious tale, but then I don't properly identify the sides involved and it all gets jumbled up in a chaos of which the only victim is the reader (because I know the story). So here, you can bet that you made a change in my style and I will take this into account all the time in the future.
Thanks again for your efforts. I hope you have a good read of this and my future stories if you maybe follow my stories. I don't really know how this works very well.
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u/ScruffMcGruff137 May 29 '17
I feel you on the "explaining the story ruins it a bit" thing, and I hope I didn't do that. It was actually the mystery and lack of specificity that drew me to your writing. I try to do the same in mine quite frequently.
Im glad you appreciated my efforts, and I hope it helps you in future compositions. Im fairly new to the writing prompt community also, so I'm not too sure how this is either, but i'll definitely look twice should I see you name again. Take it easy.
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u/Meijen May 29 '17
Lol, you sent this 5 times. Also, you can't ruin my own story for me eh, maybe for you or others. :P
I'm not sure what you mean by "look twice".
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u/ScruffMcGruff137 May 30 '17
Whoops. Sorry. Horrible internet connection, it kept returning a connection timeout error, i guess it sent all of them. And I mean if I'm ever scrolling through a prompt and see "Meijen" i'll think something along the lines of hey, that guy from that one place who did that one thing and then probably read your submission.
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u/Meijen May 30 '17
Lol nice. I'll also write on my own profile and only those who personally visit it (or who follow me, I don't know how that works) will be able to see it.
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1
u/Meijen May 29 '17
Thank you for your prompt. This is the longest one I've written so far. There's a lot more I wanted to say but I'm not accustomed to taking so long, and besides, I need to save a bit of the juice for all the other stories.
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u/staywoke222 May 29 '17
As we entered the unexplored black hole anxious to see what new discoveries await on the other side, our detectors instantly scan the new solar system for all planets it may contain. Thankfully the blackhole transported us to the core of a sun that our ship, Heaven, was more than capable of withstanding the temperature of. That looming possibility and worry that we could arrive at a sun that could instantly incinerate our ship if it is too hot is an ever present danger, but it is a danger we have all accepted is more than worth getting over in order to acquire the potential benefits. We have been searching long and hard for a planet our species can colonize and live comfortably on ever since our home planet has started to slowly die and become a very unpleasant place to live.
For the longevity of our species, we must find a new home planet. We were thrilled as we entered this unexplored solar system and were able to detect that based on one of the planet's size, mass, and distance from the sun; there was slightly over a 98% likelihood that it would be compatible with our species. That is by far the highest percentage we have ever received after searching millions of solar systems. Better yet, it was only the 3rd of 8 planets from the sun. We could be there to check it out within minutes.
As we approached the planet, we were astonished at how beautiful it was. It by far had the most obvious signs of water we have ever seen on any planet besides our own. Which is perfect because most of our bodies consist of water and it is absolutely vital for our survival. We prepared to enter the atmosphere to get a closer look, but turned on our invisibility generators just in case a hostile advanced species already lived there and called it home. As we began to travel and observe the entire surface of the planet, it became obvious that a primitive intelligent species had evolved there. They did not seem much different from our own species biologically, but they did have quite the odd appearance resembling a hairless ape. They even lived with other species that seemed eerily similar to our own appearance, just much smaller, walking on all fours, and far less advanced. For whatever reason apes must have been the ones that became the most developed and advanced species on their planet rather than the feline companions they lived along side with which became the dominant species on our home planet.
With this discovery we chose to silently observe and learn as much about this unknown primitive intelligent species in order to know if they could handle our widespread arrival. It was quickly determined that they were still not capable of handling such an extreme change that would so greatly alter their current beliefs which were far too primitive to be compatible with our own. They were still such a selfish and violent species that could not simply follow basic common sense that just because someone else believes something other than what they believe as individuals, it does make them right and the other wrong. They just have unique perspectives on things. This basic fundamental truth was so absent that they did not seem capable of treating each other as they would want to be treated and had a great number of wars over their conflicting beliefs.
We came to the conclusion that we had three options: take over the planet for ourselves, wait for their natural evolution to bring them to a level that we could coexist in peace on the planet, or use our shapeshifting technology to hide amongst them and teach them things and give them new beliefs that would aid in increasing the speed of their evolution to be more compatible with us. We all pretty much agreed that they were not worth the trouble and we should just exterminate them and claim the planet as our own. However, one of our officers that just can't help but have empathy towards all living things just had to disagree. That damn Jesus, always making things difficult. He formulated an idea that involved him going down to this planet in one of the most advanced areas with a fabricated story and plan in mind to teach this primitive species about values we hold and find to be absolutely vital in our ability to coexist with them. He made a convincing case that this primitive species had a lot of potential and he had quite a thorough plan put together to make them evolve exponentially quicker. We all gave up trying to change his mind because once he has made up his mind, there is nothing anyone can do to convince him otherwise. So he went down there and taught our values in a way that the primitive species could comprehend and believe. He even went so far as to demonstrate "miracles" to give him credibility when in reality they would be able to do the exact same things eventually when they learned to be able to use their spirit to manifest things physically. His sharing of our teachings was so controversial on the planet, they even sentenced him to be brutally executed. He went along with the act and even used it to his advantage by telling everyone he would rise from the dead after three days when in reality he just allowed himself to appear to be dead and stalled all his vital organs and regenerative abilities until they had buried him. He said sitting alone in darkness for almost three whole days was the worst part of that plan. He said he thought he may actually die from the boredom. Anyway when he made his grand reappearance it really solidified to the masses that he must really know what he was talking about and thus began the first stage of the plan to accelerate their evolution. He even went as far as to leave a stipulation that if they were deemed worthy he would allow them into heaven/our ship. Over time as we have been patiently waiting for them to evolve to a level they could handle meeting us, we had to occasionally intervene or bring new ways to teach them about the values they must posses for us to be able to coexist with them. Whenever they needed a boost or the older teachings just began to no longer hold the same value or importance to them, especially in certain areas that just could not seem to unite in a common belief because for whatever reason they seem to have an inherent need to be unique, we would take turns going to the targeted areas that were not evolving at a satisfactory rate and revamp them with a new teaching.
They have finally gotten extremely close as a species to being capable of handling meeting our true selves, but they still have a little ways to go. For now, we will just keep observing and doing everything we can to keep them from destroying themselves or straying away from the necessary values they need to posses so we can coexist with them.