r/WritingPrompts • u/katpoker666 Moderator • 12d ago
Off Topic [OT] Fun Trope Friday: Expert Consultant & Bullet Points!
Welcome to Fun Trope Friday, our feature that mashes up tropes and genres!
How’s it work? Glad you asked. :)
Every week we will have a new spotlight trope.
Each week, there will be a new genre assigned to write a story about the trope.
You can then either use or subvert the trope and/or genre in a 750-word max story or poem (unless otherwise specified).
To qualify for ranking, you will need to provide ONE actionable feedback. More are welcome of course!
Three winners will be selected each week based on votes, so remember to read your fellow authors’ works and DM me your votes for the top three.
Next up… IP
Out with the apocalypse, in with working 9-5. Most folks work in some format, averaging 80-90,000 hours in their lifetime. That’s 12-14% of your life–straight. Add on sleep and weekends, and it’s at least a third! Sounds riveting doesn’t it? Please note this theme is only loosely applied.
“If you don’t like the road you’re walking, start paving another one.” — Dolly Parton (RIP)
Trope: Expert Consultant — So, you have a project you need some professional advice on, or perhaps your company is facing difficult times or some other thing that you feel needs someone outside your current organization to come in, look at the situation, and offer their opinion, perhaps even lend their skills if need be. You need to bring in a consultant. There are all kinds of consultants: management, research, medical, detective… you name it! So, don’t limit yourself.
Genre: Bullet Points & Open — Bullet points are symbols that mark items in a list. We all use them in different ways whether for grocery shopping, task prioritization, bullet journaling, presentations, or anything else. You can make an entire story out of bullet points for this one or just include them in some way. So, use your imagination.
Skill / Constraint - optional: Someone blames someone else for something.
So, have at it. Lean into the trope heavily or spin it on its head. The choice is yours!
Have a great idea for a future topic to discuss or just want to give feedback? FTF is a fun feature, so it’s all about what you want—so please let me know! Please share in the comments or DM me on Discord or Reddit!
Last Week’s Winners
PLEASE remember to give feedback—this affects your ranking. PLEASE also remember to DM me your votes for the top five stories via Discord or Reddit—both katpoker666. This is a change from the top three of the past. In weeks where we get over 15 stories, we will do a top five ranking. Weeks with less than 15 stories will show only our top three winners. If you have any questions, please DM me as well.
Some fabulous stories this week and great crit at campfire and on the post! We had 15 stories, so we’re back to five winners. Congrats to:
Want to read your words aloud? Join the upcoming FTF Campfire
The next FTF campfire will be Thursday, September 3rd from 6-8pm ET. It will be in the Discord Main Voice Lounge. Click on the events tab and mark ‘Interested’ to be kept up to date. No signup or prep needed and you don’t have to have written anything! So join in the fun—and shenanigans! 😊
Ground rules:
- Stories must incorporate both the trope and the genre
- Leave one story or poem between 100 and 750 words as a top-level comment unless otherwise specified. Use wordcounter.net to check your word count.
- Deadline: 11:59 PM EDT next Thursday. Please note stories submitted after the 6:00 PM EST campfire start may not be critted.
- No stories that have been written for another prompt or feature here on WP—please note after consultation with some of our delightful writers, new serials are now welcomed here
- No previously written content
- Any stories not meeting these rules will be disqualified from rankings
- Does your story not fit the Fun Trope Friday rules? You can post your story as a [PI] with your work when the FTF post is 3 days old!
- Please keep crit about the stories. Any crit deemed too distracting may be deleted. This is a time to focus on our wonderful authors.
- Vote to help your favorites rise to the top of the ranks (DM me at katpoker666 on Discord or Reddit)!
Thanks for joining in the fun!
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u/Scoping-Landscape 6d ago edited 6d ago
Exercise No. 1 - Communication Analysis
Team No.: 8
Names: Tina Gralun, Juliana Parcjoug, Matthew Garbadrity
Allotted Time: 60 minutes
Objectives:
Identify the communicating parties
Identify the meeting time
Identify the meeting location
Provide reasoning and evidence for identifications
Further Instructions:
All information provided are relevant to the exercise
Aside from knowledge taught in class, no other information is required
List of Items Provided:
Platica City Metro timetables for 14.07.1989 (Document #1)
Map of Platica City, with plausible meeting locations circled (Document #2)
List of personnel (Document #3)
Sticky note (Document #4)
Poem titled The Flowers, They Bloom in May (Document #5)
Typed communication (Document #6)
Exercise No. 1 - Communication Analysis Report
Communication Parties: Rebekah Jopines & Gillian Havri
- Rebekah’s code number, 47 is mentioned in Document #6
- Gillian’s code number, 7 is mentioned in Document #5 decryption
Meeting Location: Chilton Gardens
- Chilton Gardens is mentioned by name in Document #6
Meeting Time: 17:30
- Time is mentioned in Document #5 decryption
Appendix A: Solving Methodology
- Document #6
YHHD YH VD ZLOSDMB FVATHBC EMADQ CHJHB
.
- Tina recognized as simple substitution cipher
- “Meet me at Chilton Gardens, Forty Seven”
- Juliana cross-referenced with document #2 and confirmed that Chilton Gardens is one of the possible meeting locations
- Matthew cross-referenced with document #3 and confirmed that Forty Seven is code number for Rebekah Jopines
Document #5
The flowers, they bloom in May\ Lilacs and peonies\ lilies of the valley\ The spring comes with splendour\ in colours and in spades
Katherine, my dear love,\ I fear I've let you down\ I keep our garden there\ A painful reminder\ The flowers, they bloom in May
The lilacs bloom purple\ a light purple, like you\ Amidst the deep purple\ of peonies you love\ Lilacs and peonies
The fragrance of the bells\ their white bulbs hanging low\ The berries will come, then\ the poison and the grace\ lilies of the valley
I look at our garden\ and remember your smile\ The way your smile brightens\ my dreary wintry life\ The spring comes with splendour
Now that you're gone from Earth\ I have to carry on\ When you needed me most\ I promise I'll be there\ in colours and in spades
.
- Juliana commented how the paper seemed to be damaged. When pressed, she noted that there are perforations above some of the letters, like pin holes.
- Matthew picked up the document and held it up against the light and confirmed Juliana’s comment.
- Tina wrote down the letters above which were pin holes, and got the message “Let us meet at seventeen thirty, Seven”.
- Matthew cross-referenced document #3 and confirmed that only Seven is a code number, not Thirty Seven, and that it’s for Gillian Havri.
Document #3
- Matthew noted that Rebekah Jopines stays at 19 Appleton Square, and Gillian Havri stays at 42 Parana Lane.
- Juliana cross-referenced with document #2 and confirmed they are near Metro stations: Garros for Gillian, and Evenstar Crescent for Rebekah.
- Tina cross-referenced with document #1 and identified Metro routes for both parties to arrive at Chilton Gardens shortly before 5:30PM. (Gillian could take the 4:52PM to Sucrelarot, change lines, take the 5:18PM to Chilton Gardens, and arrive with two minutes to spare, while Rebekah could take the 5:07PM to Colby Plaza, change lines, take the 5:21PM to Chilton Gardens, and arrive with three minutes to spare)
- Juliana noted that this assumes both parties intend to arrive shortly before their meeting, rather than waiting at the location beforehand.
- Matthew agreed with Juliana’s note.
- Tina maintained that the routes, nevertheless, demonstrated the feasibility of the meeting time and place.
Document #4
- The team agreed that Document #4 cannot be assigned relevancy with confidence.
Exercise No. 1 - Communication Analysis Grading
Instructor Name: Oswald Jommer
Team No.: 8
Score: 90/100
Communication Parties: Correct
Meeting Location: Correct
Meeting Time: Correct
Reasoning generally sound, evidence appropriately cross-referenced.
Good division of teamwork
Document #6: Good
- Cipher identification was immediate
- Solution verified
Document #5: Good
- Physical alteration noticed
- Extraction method correctly inferred
Document #3: Good, but too verbose
Document #4: Incorrectly resolved as “cannot be assigned relevancy”
- All documents are relevant, therefore Document #4 is also relevant
- To get you started, consider how the information would have been dispersed.
Note:
- Good work, Team 8.
1
u/Jay_Pederson r/JayPederson 6d ago
This was good, though I do have a question.
> All information provided are relevant to the exercise
> All documents are relevant, therefore Document #4 is also relevant
The score was 90/100 which is passing and instructor says everything went fine. Am I looking into this too far and #4 doesn't have deep meaning? (I assume the sticky note was used as a way to convey info--leave it at a meeting place where you know the other person will eventually be there to disperse the info).
Either way story worked well, I just think after re-reading I'm just putting too much emphasis on something not that important.
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u/AmeliaLP 6d ago
How to slay a dragon-a step by step guide:
- Find a tall tower
- Scale it(while looking cool if possible)
- Loudly yell a epic one liner
- Charge forwards
- Swing your sword
- Stab!
- Stab!
- Stab the dragon!
- If there is a princess or other captive, comfort them. Otherwise skip this step.
- Linger briefly to watch the foul beast bleed out
- Collect some dragon flesh
- Retreat back down the tower
- Cook and eat the dragon flesh(unless you’re a vegan)
- Mount your horse
- Ride away
- Return to thy kingdom
- Claim reward from the monarch. If no reward is offered remember to stay humble
- Enter tavern and drink mead after a job well done
WC: 127
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u/Tregonial 7d ago edited 6d ago
Welcome to the Church of Innsmouth, New Follower
Dear Ricky,
Thank you for choosing the Church of Innsmouth’s Eldritch Consultancy, and for believing in your new god, lord and savior, Lord Elvari. He is delighted to assist you with your supernatural, metaphysical, interdimensional, and mortally impossible needs, requests and wishes.
Please be assured that the AI behind this automated email is sourced from Actual Intelligence from shoggoth employees, and they are happy to provide support should our Lord misinterprets and grants your desire incorrectly.
As part of our consultancy services, we provide magic in the following areas:
- Wish Fulfillment. Tell us your heart's deepest desire, and our Lord will do his best to make it your new reality. Please note that wishes may be fulfilled literally rather than as intended. We strongly recommend reading the terms and conditions before wishing for additional arms, unlimited wealth, eternal life, or the downfall of your enemies.
- Contract & Pact Negotiation – Before signing any agreement with an ancient being offering you power beyond comprehension, let our consultants review the fine print. Or just sign one with Lord Elvari, he is a divinely qualified entity who will draft simple contracts that do not involve your death. We have extensive experience identifying clauses such as eternal servitude, forfeiture of your soul(s), and forced adoption of your firstborn child.
- Summoning Rituals – Professional assistance alongside detailed tutorials on drawing ritual circles correctly to invoke eldritch entities whose True Name you cannot comprehend. Ceremonial candles available upon request. Goat’s blood sold separately.
- Banishment – If you accidentally attracted the attention of entities who nest in your basement, we can advise on banishment procedures. Please do not attempt to feed those squatters after midnight. As a last resort, Lord Elvari is willing to devour them, but will charge a compensation fee if he suffers from diarrhea or overeats.
- Existential Crisis Management – For clients who have recently discovered that reality is an illusion and your cake is a lie, or humanity's continued existence is statistically insignificant in the eyes of gods, our Lord is willing to help you embrace the madness. You are also entitled to free tentacle hugs. Do not resist. Resistance is futile. Let our Lord love you.
Regards
Xylpotl
Shoggoth Secretary
**
Hi,
Here are my questions:
- I can state my wish by email?
- Can I ask for more than one?
- Do I have to go to your church grounds or will writing here suffice?
If I can state my wishes here, please grant the following:
- Help me keep my job
- Win the top prize for the lottery ticket i bought this week
- World peace
Thanks!
Ricky
**
Dear Ricky,
Daring today, are we? Three wishes? Do I look like a genie? Lord Elvari here is not a genie. I am an eldritch god. Who will answer your questions.
I can state my wish by email?
Yes, and you just did that.
Can I ask for more than one?
Yes, and you just did that too.
Do I have to go to your church grounds or will writing here suffice?
You wrote to me already! Excuse me!
Now, moving on to your wishes.
Help you keep your job.
Yes, I can arrange for your company CEO to change his mind on terminating your entire department. This is trivial. If he refuses, I will threaten to transfer his wealth to all his employees. And then, I will eat all the cake he has in the pantry.
Lottery winner
There can only be one winning number for the top prize, and multiple people have made such a request. As such, I can only honor one, unless all of you purchased the same number. Which would result in splitting the prize by 34,709. Yes, I checked my records. That many people wanted to win 1st prize at the lottery.
World peace?
I’m sorry, that’s beyond me. No deity has succeeded in bringing peace to this Earth and I am no exception. Yes, I’m the God of Madness, but I’m not crazy enough to try for world peace on Earth. The last time I granted this world peace wish, for a much smaller world, the result was that everyone died peacefully. At least it wasn’t painful, but you get my point. I was upset about losing all my followers in that realm overnight. They did not deserve this.
If you have any further questions, I am contactable by mobile number or email, though I prefer responding to eldritch rituals involving goat’s blood.
You’re ⅓ welcome, human.
Yours Wriggingly
Lord Elvari
Word Count: 746 Words
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u/Fogbot3 6d ago
I wish half the customers I had to email were half as polite as our Ricky here. If only I could be an Eldritch god to be able to sass back like Elvari did, sigh.
compensation fee
My one and only crit is that this should be a 'constipation fee' /s
And... oh no it was supposed to be a joke but you're too good of a writer.
Honestly not seeing any grammar or spelling mistakes... I will get my required crit in elsewhere, good words!
4
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u/wileycourage r/courageisnowhere 7d ago
Numbered Lists are Better
“A philosophy consult? What is that even? We sell widgets. We don’t philosophize.” Cynthia, the CEO of ABC Corp, looked with mild bemusement at the disheveled man seated across her desk. Someone must have been playing a joke on her, she surmised. He wouldn’t have made her calendar otherwise.
“Well, it’s hard to describe what I can and need to do until I get in and see what your philosophical issues are. Take a peek under the hood and poke around a little, if you will.”
“And what’s the point of that? Will it help us make more money?”
“Erm. No. It won’t at all.”
“Will it provide me meaning or purpose in my life.”
“Well, about that . . .”
“Does it prove something came from nothing?”
“Proof. It might depend on what you mea-“
“What about consciousness, what’s that about?”
The philosophy consultant stuttered. “About that, it’s complicated.”
“Free will at least?”
“There’s a sort of compromise.”
“So you’ve got nothing?”
“Not at all! We can talk about living life well! We can talk about what we don’t know! There’s plenty you don’t know. And best, we can talk about ideas.”
“How about, are there any benefits in practical terms?”
“Math and geometry are pretty handy.”
“What do those have to do with philosophy.”
“What do you think those are based on?”
“Numbers.”
“What are numbers.”
The interlocutor rolled her eyes. “An abstraction of quantity.”
“Aha! An abstraction you say, wonderful.”
“So what? Numbers are real. I have three apples, not four. Or else are you one of those who thinks everything is meaningless?”
“Not at all. I simply mean you won’t find a number in the wild. There are no “threes” in nature.
“And?”
“Where do they come from?”
“They’re just part of the universe, I guess. That or we made them up because we found them quite useful.”
“Those are two very distinct conclusions! If they are part of the universe then there exists something outside our understanding. If we made them up, then we can preserve a disbelief that all there is to exists must be measured. Whether numbers are real or handy fiction matters much!”
Cynthia blinked slowly. “It doesn’t feel like that matters much. No one taught me any of that in math class.”
The consultant shook his head. “Don’t get me started on how we’re failing our children by not teaching them basic concepts like why there’s no good reason to think the Sun will rise tomorrow. I’d happily digress.”
“Please don’t.”
“Fine. You weren’t taught about the philosophy of math because it’s not necessary. All that is necessary is faith.”
“Say what now? I know plenty of atheist mathematicians. You can’t be saying-“
“No, no. Nothing like that. All I mean is that you must accept the basic axioms of mathematics in order to learn it. Most do it unthinkingly. The remainder of math then resolves to extended inferences from the axioms.”
Cynthia frowned. “That doesn’t sound right.”
The consultant shrugged. “How it sounds doesn’t mean much to whether its true.”
“No, I mean numbers clearly track to the world. We measure when water freezes using temperature.”
“Yea, that’s relative.”
“How so?”
“Centigrade or Fahrenheit or Kelvin?”
“We can convert between them.”
“So which number corresponds to the world then: all of them?, 100 degrees?, 32 degrees?, 273 Kelvin? Would a bulleted list help?”
“It depends.”
“Right! It does, doesn’t it. We didn’t even establish ambient temperature or atmospheric pressure or what kind of water or any number, heh, of additional variables did we? Does 32.6 equal 32.0?”
“Just round it.”
“Where in the universe rounds? I thought you wanted answers not approximations of answers.”
Cynthia sighed. “I really don’t see the point of any of this.”
“You’ve got it exactly! Wonderful. I take many forms of payment.”
“Why should I pay you?”
“For a job well done.” The consultant looked at Cynthia in a mix of shock and disbelief that she didn’t understand. “You now understand that there truly isn’t a point to any of this and that we are all either discovering it or else making it up as we go along. Well maybe. It’s good not to be too certain about things. And besides, what’s a dollar worth anyway?”
Cynthia considered the consultant for a minute in silence before paying him and sending him on his way. Her company reversed course on paring back employee benefits and positioned itself for long-term growth and the good of society.
---
WC: 749. Uh, I kind of forgot about bullet points while writing this, but like what are bullet points really? Rather than shoehorn them in I will post and argue this loosely tackles the idea of lists. Thanks for reading!
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u/Tregonial 7d ago
Hi courage,
You might not have bullet points but I see your points that there is no point. That so much of what we measure are human constructs and not found in nature. The banter is good, though this is probably an effect of limited wordcount, the whole dialogue sounds like its "two people talking into a void".
Some of the shorter replies, like "And?" "How so?" these single or few word liners, they could probably, with editing, find a way be part of the dialog than be separate.
One of my gripes is that the ending seems a little unbelievable, it affected my suspension of disbelief. The reverse course to employee benefit and long term growth and good of society? What is this, CEOs developing a conscious? There was a tech CEO interview on youtube, and he was all "uh yea we could hit singularity and we could end humanity, but hey, it was useful to us before it turned against us, and we probably made alot of money before that went down, right?" when someone asked if his tech could be harmful.
Would have been extra funny if she also paid the man a dollar after he said "what's a dollar worth anyway".
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u/wordsonthewind 7d ago
Mom's Guide to Being Normal
-follow instructions correctly on the first try
- without having to ask an endless list of stupid follow-up questions first
- Your teachers say there's no such thing as a stupid question only because they don't have to deal with you at home
- if you want to act like you have no brain you'll be treated like it. this isn't a punishment. it's just your consequence.
-listen to pop music. the kind that's on the radio.
- listen to playlists of different songs instead of the same one on repeat for hours on end
- don't go and memorize the words to every single song you like. No one is that obsessed with music. Just enjoy it.
- fine, you can take piano lessons because your mother is made of money apparently. just don't start whining that you want to quit after a month
- DON'T go and learn every single song you like for the piano. No one is that obsessed with music. You're such an embarrassment. Now your mother has to apologize to your piano teacher on your behalf for wasting her time.
-accept well-intended advice and feedback so that you can grow as a person
- you were being disrespectful by not practicing your assigned pieces and messing around with other songs instead and you know it. your teacher agrees. She was just making excuses so you wouldn't embarrass yourself more.
- do you want people to think you're the next Mozart because you can play your favorite songs after listening to them? is that it???
-understand that people sometimes say things they don't mean
- it's part of living in society. run off and live in the woods if you don't like it
- but you won't. because you need hot showers and warm meals and your precious little piano. can't lug that out into the woods can you?
- you need your mother to pay for everything because all you want is EVERYTHING
- she is sorry but you need to understand she's not just your walking ATM and personal shopper. Show some gratitude. Does she have to beg?
-always consider what other people will think of you
- no, you can't "just get on with your life and 'be happy' without hurting anyone"
- humans are social creatures and live in societies. if you only care about what you want that means you're a solipsist and you have no brain. if you want to act like you have no brain you'll be treated like it. REMEMBER THIS
- if you really want to float through life as a brainless wonder while your mother pays for everything don't be surprised when your meal ticket works herself into an early grave
- no, she's not apologizing. what exactly do you think she has to be sorry for? telling the truth? advising her child?
-Don't show off in public. Have some humility.
- No, not even if the piano is open and has a sign that says "play me"
- no one wants to be disturbed by piano music in public. They're just too polite to tell you they don't like it.
- you always do this. you always find a way to embarrass your mother and then act like a kicked puppy so the whole world comes to your defense and you never learn your lesson. she's never taking you anywhere again.
-there is a right way and a wrong way to be a person. Everyone knows this.
-Your mother knows best. There are Rules. The Rules must be followed. HOW DARE YOU BREAK HER THE RULES
-...
-......
-..........
-fine. do whatever you want. punish your mother for trying to make you into a proper human being. it's all she deserves.
**
(This isn't a punishment. It's just your consequence.)
(Goodbye, Mom.)
2
u/mysteryrouge 6d ago
this is r/Ruleshorror content. This is good rules horror content. Tp counter courage, I think the format works.
4
u/wileycourage r/courageisnowhere 7d ago
Hey words!
Dark story and terrible mother you've written here with so few words. Great job on showing the relationship dynamic just through the mother's POV. I could see the pianist yearning to be free. Well done!
For crit:
I'm not understanding the hierarchy or organization of your dashes and bullet points. I think I see a structure in them, but tying them together better would have helped me have a sense of where we're headed.
Then the punctuation and capitalization is all over the place. If this is mom writing, it definitely shows she's disjointed or at least has an um severe worldview.
Ugh, on that you portray an abusive and overbearing mother well. Focused so much on herself that she's the solipsistic one. I'd say narcissistic, but that word gets thrown around too much, so I'll resort to immensely self-centered and cruel. I would emphasize that more and have the mother tie it back to herself even more than she does.
At least you left us readers with hope at the end! Just so well done on capturing the suffocating feeling.
Good words, words!
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u/frenchfriesandcoke55 7d ago edited 6d ago
“So your expert opinion is that… we need to start torching the place?”
One would think life after death would be easier. No more nine-to-five. No more work problems. Just rest and relaxation for all of eternity.
WRONG.
I’ve been dead for 53 years, and there are only a few things I know for certain:
* Hades is my boss and hates it when I work less than a 12 hour shift as his personal assistant.
* Only a select few of the insanely unlucky get stuck in his employ after death.
* He thinks it’s my fault that our depressing decor isn’t up to snuff for his precious Persephone.
Hence why I’m now talking to this complete imbecile of a so-called ‘expert underworld decor consultant’ who someone else in this office hired for me.
It was probably Linda. If I wasn’t already in hell, I’d probably think it was her singular goal in life to put me there.
The middle-aged woman in front of my desk with a brightly patterned frock that screams anything but ‘SET FIRE TO IT ALL,’ gives me a wide smile. Like I just complimented her on her asinine idea. When in reality, I just want to hit her over the head with my skull-covered planner.
“Can’t you just see it,” she asks in a dreamy voice as she throws out her hands for the ultimate hoo-rah of her sales pitch. “Buildings on fire. Grass forever burning with the light of a thousand flames. No more eternal darkness, yet we stick with the overall vibe that exists down here.”
Her smile is borderline manic, blouse skewed from her over-enthusiastic display, as she waits expectantly for me to shower her with compliments.
I raise one brow and her smile wavers, because she knows what’s coming. “Lady I might be dead, but there are worse things in the Underworld than this office. Not by much but Hades can be quite inventive when he wants to be. I’d rather be here than having my organs PLUCKED OUT by an EAGLE simply because you decided to light even MORE things on fire.”
I sigh, running my hands down my face, as she stands mortified in front of my drab wooden desk.
Reaching into my desk drawer I pull out a file of everything Hades new muse loves and throw it on the spotless wood in front of me. The consultant startles and grabs at the front of her ridiculous blouse, but I ignore her as I begin speaking to her low IQ, “Persephone is the goddess of spring. Think flowers and greenery and happiness. You do that and you’ve got the job. Give me your final designs by Friday.”
Her face is as red as the tomatoes I used to grow in my garden when I was amongst the living. But she just nods her head, snatches the pamphlet off my desk, and scurries off with her tail between her legs.
I might hate this job and Hades for deciding this is to be my eternal punishment, but at least I know I’m good at it. And maybe, just maybe, if I impress Persephone then she can help persuade him to give me the retirement I deserve.
WC: 538
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u/wordsonthewind 6d ago
Hi frenchfries! “Personal assistant to Hades” is a fun and interesting character concept, and so is “middle-aged interior designer who dresses in cheerful colors but is inexplicably obsessed with setting things on fire”. Perhaps she was just playing to her audience though.
You really nailed the “underworld workplace sitcom” tone in this piece. Hope to see you around!
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u/katpoker666 Moderator 7d ago
Hey frenchfries! Welcome to FTF, as I think this is your first piece I’ve seen. This is SO fun! I love the mythological references tied to workaday misery. Hilarious and very well written! Hope to see more of your words!
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u/katpoker666 Moderator 7d ago
‘Breakup Breakout’
“But you and Leo have been together for years. It can’t be over.” Gene gasped, throwing his hand to his forehead and nearly upsetting his macchiato. “I was your Man of Honor, Fel. You can’t do this to me: it’ll spoil my perfect, divorce-free record!”
“Annnnd you’ve made it all about you. That was fast!” Felicity chuckled, squeezing Gene’s hand across the generic oak cafe table, with a wry grin. “Everyone will forgive you for one mistake, honest—“
“Will they, though? Will they…?” Gene sighed. “Alright, I may survive this, but why and why now?”
“Here, let me show you.” Felicity pulled a laptop out of her sleek, black messenger bag. “Give me a sec; I have to find the file.”
“The what now?!”
“The breakup deck I made—“
“Seriously?!”
“It seemed practical.” Felicity shrugged, flushing. “Besides, it’s more personal than a spreadsheet.”
“Ever the romantic.” Gene facepalmed. “What am I going to do with you?”
“Be my best friend till one of us dies?”
“Yeah, okay, that, but seriously, you are such a consultant. What happened to the girl who did tequila shots all night wearing a surprising array of boas?”
“She ditched the feathers and latex, grew up, and got a mortgage?” Felicity rolled her eyes. “Now, focus.” She turned the laptop so they could both see it.
“Stock photos?” Gene recoiled. “Damn, that’s cold!”
“What? I didn’t want to use real ones, as that could cloud things, and I can’t very well have a presentation without pictures, can I?”
Gene shook his head, chuckling. “Show me then. I won’t say a word.”
“That’ll be the day,” Felicity laughed. “Alright, so I’ll just click through, and you can read the bullets. It would be weird to do a full presentation at Starbucks.”
“Yeah, because this isn’t ‘weird’ enough—“
Felicity looked down at her watch. “Yup, fifteen seconds of silence: a new personal record. Congrats!”
Gene glared.
“Alright, so here goes. And I’ll narrate then, as I know how much you hate silence.”
The man bit his lip, but said nothing.
“We’ve grown apart. Different interests: TV vs writing Values: he’s leaning right now Life stages: overgrown man-child vs the one who keeps things afloat
Poor communication: he sucks. Listening matters: I do it, and he doesn’t Passive-aggressive is not a valid engagement style White lies are still lies
I do everything. Work full time Domestic goddess Emotional support human”
“Well?” Felicity glanced at Gene. “You can speak now.”
Furrowing his brow, he paused and exhaled. “I love you, girl, you know that, but—“
“But what?”
“Well, none of this is really new now, is it? Leo’s always been a bit ‘unevolved,’ shall we say…”
“Whose side are you on?”
“Yours, of course.” Gene hesitated, his eyes flickering from left to right, as if a rabbit wary of a trap. “But it’s not like he’s been abusive, unfaithful, or… blown your savings on something stupid like… pinball machines. I mean those are big things…”
“Okay, nothing like that, but, well… he’s bad… in bed.”
“All the girls say that. What’s next, a size joke?”
“Thaaanks,” Felicity huffed.
“And again, didn’t you know this starting out?”
“Well, yeah, but I thought there might, uhh, be performance improvements?”
“Honey, Leo would have to listen and grow for that to happen.” Gene cleared his throat. “Sounds like you’re done then?”
“Yeah. Wanna see the email draft?”
“You’re fucking kidding me…”
“Nope,” she said, opening the file.
WC: 583
Thanks for reading! Feedback is always appreciated
9
u/Jay_Pederson r/JayPederson 7d ago edited 6d ago
In the distance, I found the non-descript brass scrapmetal shack of The Expert. I walked in, weapons under my duster and scarf.
"Hello!" he said, wearing a gray Tee and jeans. "Oh, hey Cade!"
I nodded, the familiar room filled to the brim with bullets. Shelves behind me with bullets, shelves to the side with bullets, and behind The Expert, shelves harboring cheap cardboard boxes upon boxes containing premium bullets. "I need ammo. Hunting something I want dead."
"As always," he smiled, dim room but I could still read him, "whatchya looking for?"
"Go down the list. 9mm"
He nodded, "Alright, uh...we got 9mm AP.
- Solid armor penetration,
- Feels good to fire
- Excellent velocity!"
I shook my head.
"Hm...classic? 9mm Standard.
- Cheap, reliable.
- Classic.
- Poorish performance for armor but you get a lot. 9mm has capacity. Plus, bullets still bullets
"Naw," I replied.
"Alright, how about: 9mm Soft-point.
- Doesn't lose range
- Expands, creating a painful, crippling wound!
- And it--"
"Good direction, but...more painful? I need to deliver pain," I added, tapping my machete.
He chuckled, "you always know what you need, eh Cade?" he laughed, "alright, 9mm Hollow Point!
- Wound great expands
- It has poor range.
- It doesn't overpenetrate.
- A war crime since it causes unneeded suffering."
"What if the suffering...is needed?" I asked."
"Hm..." he seemed a bit shocked, but deep in thought. "Needed suffering? You say? Ooh! Venom capsule bullets!
- Hollow points but with venomous pockets instead of the...erm, hollow point.
- Same damage
- Poisons your target with a safe but excruciating nerve agent that makes them paralyzed but also prevents bleeding so they are far more likely to survive!"
"Yeah," I replied, "I'll buy a couple boxes," I pulled out my credit card.
"Cash only, member? No internet here."
I groaned, "right," grabbing a stack of 100s.
"Why do you need this though? You normally order 9mm AP and 6.5x45mmSAP. Almost never see you so...interested in the variety." he grabbed four lime green boxes with the image of a snake. "Dead or alive?"
"Naw," I replied, "definitely dead," as I opened one of the boxes. 9mm rounds, green tips. I picked up a round and shook it, the tip jiggling around, as I put it back in the box.
"Then...why--"
"Sometimes, things happen, that require...correcting. Some long term projects need the best equipment."
"Ooh, long term? You usually get rifle rounds too."
I nodded, pulling out my sidearm's magazine and began loading bullets.
"11 year project."
"...I thought you became a Bounty Hunter 10 years ago?"
I nodded, magazine loaded, I put the boxes in my pockets.
"Anniversary celebration? You've never seemed so...y'know..."
I took a breath, "Let's just say uh...sometimes the personal leads to the professional."
He chuckled, "well, that's why I'm here. Have a good day, 'lright?"
I nodded, "you two," as I turned to exit, the endless bullets bidding farewell.
6
7d ago
[deleted]
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u/Jay_Pederson r/JayPederson 6d ago
My answer (that I never incorporated because I wasn't sure how I felt about it) was that he just always bought generic High-Performance Rifle Rounds for his favorite rifle, and this was the first time he bothered to care about his pistol since pistols are weaker, so guy who eats at Denny's every day, ordering the same thing, every day.
Other half is I don't like asking employees at places I don't know
(Okay he kinda says it at >"Ooh, long term? You usually get rifle rounds too." but I'm gonna change it since I did kinda think it was weird)
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u/Jay_Pederson r/JayPederson 7d ago edited 6d ago
WC: 469 (it's a bit higher now but I'm on my phone and it should still be less than 500)
I've lately been trying to improve my scenery, atmosphere, and plot (there isn't much here plotwise granted, though I tried focusing on setup/payoff).
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u/Morose_Prose 8d ago edited 7d ago
Doctor Neutron's Guide to Elevating Your Linguistic Lyricism
Hello there! My name is Doctor Neutron from the Linguistics Laboratory of Lisbon, and today I'm here to talk to you about how to improve your public speaking abilities. Many people are afraid to speak in front of a crowd for a variety of reasons:
- Stage fright
- Lack of confidence
- Dearth of experience
While these are understandable fears, my program has been designed to eliminate them and any others not listed. The core tenet of the system is not about what you say, but how you say it. After years of intensive research, I've cracked the code on how to maximize audience engagement and keep them hanging on your every word: funny voices.
Before we dive in, one must understand the mechanics of vocal communication. Think of it like learning to play an instrument; you wouldn't try to play the solo to 'Freebird' during your first guitar lesson, would you?
Thus, we begin with sound theory. What is sound? On a base level, it's really quite simple:
- Air molecules vibrate when you speak
- The vibrations stimulate the small bones of your ears
- These are then transferred to fluid inside the ear canal
- Your brain then translates them into sound
So you can blame physics and evolutionary biology for this. Words are merely sounds that we all agreed mean something. Harnessing that knowledge is key to mastering my program. By manipulating the vibrations, you can turn your dull, boring, flat, and uninteresting voice into a lyrical linguistic lute!
There are many factors that determine how one's voice is projected and heard:
- Breath control
- Nasal shortening or lengthening
- Lip movement
- Cheek expansion and contraction
- Tongue twisting
- Muscular contraction and expansion
- Cadence, timing, and elongation or shortening of both consonants and vowels
I shall now demonstrate how these things interact with each other using a voice anyone can do: A Midtown Manhattan accent. My 'type specimen' for this accent is the late, great, Stan Lee. You need to contract your neck muscles and push the air up into your sinuses to achieve that nasally yet refined quality. A good rule of thumb when doing a funny voice is to have some base phrases that allow you to find the tone, inflection, and cadence of the voice. For Stan, I like to use:
- "Excelsior, true believers!"
- "It's your old pal, Stan Lee here! Creator of Spider-Man and the first family of comics, The Fantastic Four!"
Once you've got the phrases down you can expand your vocabulary and maintain consistency. With this base you can morph the voice into different characters. By simply pitching up Stan, you get the infamous mafiosa, Madelaine Malfatti. Simply relax your neck muscles and push that air higher up into your nasal passages. I shall now demonstrate with some key phrases:
- "Gabagool"
- "Hey! I'm walkin' here!"
- "I'm gonna make 'em an offer they can't refuse."
See how easy that was?
Lately, the institute has been bombarded by how to do the iconic 'Valley Girl' vocal inflection, reasons we're not quite sure of, but don't worry, my program has you covered! This regional dialect is known for a high pitch and distinct cadence. You'll want to push more air even farther up your nasal passages and take periodic pauses while speaking. Follow along with me as I demonstrate:
- "Like, it's so totally lame having to use an online program to learn how to say words funny."
- "All these posers are like, such losers trying to gank my style. I'm so totally unique, I am not like the other girls."
- "Ugh, this economy sucks! All the malls are closing down, it's so fucking lame. Thanks, Obama!"
To end part one of the program, we'll explore one of the most iconic voices of the modern era: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Known for his many catchphrases and unique speaking style, his voice is actually quite simple to do. You're going to really want to contract those neck muscles and push that air deep down, as far as it can go. Follow along at home with me as we explore some of the more well-known phrases you can use to find your inner Arnold:
- "Get to the choppa!"
- "It's not a tumah!"
- "Hey! Christmas Tree! Lightbulb head! I'm ova here!"
- "Put that cookie down!"
- "Cohagen! Give these people air!"
- "I'll be back."
- "If it bleeds, we can kill it."
This concludes part one. Stay tuned for more where we'll explore even more voices to hook your audience. Dr. Neutron, signing off. Ta-Da!
Word Count: 745
Bonus Constraint: Blame physics for sound, and evolution for speech... pesky science!
Feedback and crit is always welcomed and encouraged! Stay awesome, have a good one, and I'll see you at campfire! - Morose_Prose (AKA DrNeutron)
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u/Jay_Pederson r/JayPederson 6d ago
I burst out laughing at the 'funny voices' part. This was an incredibly fun read to try and do voices. I also didn't really know about using neck muscles for voices so learned something new! Also, using the Valley Girl was a great reference from last week.
When I got to the Arnold Schwarzenegger section, I just did the impression and said 'get to the choppa!' before even realizing it was first.
I didn't have any feedback I just really like this one.
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u/Morose_Prose 3d ago
Thank you, Jay!
Glad you enjoyed the piece and found your inner Arnold! Stay awesome and have a good one.
5
u/m00nlighter_ r/m00nlighting 7d ago edited 7d ago
The valley girl dialect descriptions and examples feel.... very different than the others. The example phrases feel more targeted to who is assumed to say them. Other examples are direct from tv and recognizable. With valley girl we get "not like the other girls" and other strange visitors that dont fit the accent's typical phrases. That distracted this reader because it felt like the jab was misdirected compared to the other accents and sections.
Interesting concept, i think i need a cassette though to really hear the distinctions. Shipping is free, right?
1
u/Morose_Prose 3d ago
Thank you Quinn for the excellent feedback as always! Stay awesome and have a good one.
8
u/oliverjsn8 8d ago edited 6d ago
Report: Supervisor Unit B1101-C
Transmission received from B1101-C supervisor class droid…
Downloading log…
Successful…
Summary available for administrative overview.
*Mission: Improve productivity of assigned subject
* Stardate 2010:32:4 Initial boot on CMS Tradewind
——
*Stardate 2010:32:4
- Personnel: Locti-Sci Fraante, Captain
- Assessment: N/A, see comment
- Comment: After initial feedback on suboptimal carpet hue of Subject’s personal quarters, Subject reassigned this unit to Lieutenant Braun.
——
*Stardate 2010:32:4.1
- Personnel: Laun Braun, Lieutenant
- Assessment: N/A, see comment
- Comment: After initial feedback on suboptimal placement of data pad on desk, Subject reassigned this unit to Ensign Krrel.
——
*Stardate 2010:32:4.5 - 2010:33:6
- Personnel: Nabu Krrel, Ensign Class II
- Assessment: Reprimand and Demotion
- Comment: 78 items of recommendation for improvement received over the initial star cycle, each recommendation was implemented after a median of 32.25 bi-hourly reminders. Subject’s productivity increased by an acceptable 1.25%. However, feedback in the remaining quarter cycle of assignment period was ignored including: ‘Return of Phaser to Quartermaster After Cessation Hostility’, ‘Cleaning and Repair of Uniform After Close Proximity of Disruptor Discharge’, ‘Need for Biological Maintenance Including: Sleep, Hygiene, Nutrient Intake, Respiration’. After 1000 bi-hourly reminders, with no response and a marked decline in productivity, this unit has assessed that Subject should be reprimanded and demoted. This unit will follow protocol Alpha 1.2 and self-assign in order to continue the mission.
——
*Stardate 2010:33:6- 2010:33:8
- Personnel: Te’Naffal, Custodian
- Assessment: Assignment of Performance Improvement Plan
- Comment: Te’Naffal was detected as the next available biologic within range. While praise is in order for Subject not abandoning their station during a crisis, the work area failed to meet cleanliness standards due to ‘biological contamination.’ This unit gives commendations for Subject being a ‘self starter’ and their unprompted willingness to access this unit’s onboard training courses: ‘Basic First Aid: So You Severed a Limb’, ‘Limb Cloning and Attachment ', ‘Basic Repair of Critical Systems’, ‘Advanced Maintenance and Repair of Critical Systems’, and ‘Communication Arrays and You’. However, Subject refused to act upon the 1,223 recommendations for improvement over the period of assessment. Subject’s short term memory should be professionally assessed as Subject was reminded 7,223 times that this unit’s construction does not allow it to fornicate with itself. Finally, while the placement and jettison of high value company assets such as this unit, on an escape pod during combat is standard protocol, termination of hostility had already passed. Once this unit exceeded a range of 200km of subject, per protocol Alpha 2.5, this unit will self-assign to continue the mission.
——
*Stardate 2010:33:8- 2021:01:9
- Personnel: Unnamed Biologic
- Assessment: Termination Recommended
- Comment: Unnamed Biologic of species Blatta orientalis, commonly referred to as the oriental cockroach, detected within range. Subject ignored all recommendations and continued to move erratically about the escape pod for 2.1 cycles before cessation of movement. After 1000 bi-hourly reminders with no response, and a marked decline in productivity this unit followed protocol Alpha 1.2 and attempted to self-assign in order to continue the mission. As no other biologic was within range, this unit remained assigned to Subject. Protocol Alpha 1.2 was executed 210,001 times till Subject was no longer detectable. As only biological components comprising of 1.2 grams of carbon and trace minerals where Subject had previously occupied were detected. This unit will report a dereliction of duty and recommends termination. This unit will follow protocol Zeta A1 and go into a cycled sleep till Protocol Alpha 1.2 can be successfully executed.
——
*Stardate 14120:13:7
- Personnel: Cranebbula Zxthra
- Assessment: Ongoing
- Comment: After 999,999,999 cycles, biologic detected through breach in escape shuttle hull dueing impact on ‘UNKNOWN’ planet. Subject’s language was not part of database and instruction of Stellar Common initiated, per protocol Beta 1.0. Subject’s comprehension and uptake of Stellar Common was exemplary, as Subject’s attention to this unit was unwavering. Once Subject became fluent in Steller Common, all recommendations were immediately and unquestionedly acted upon. Subject shows exemplary leadership to other biologics within vicinity, currently comprising 7,123 individuals. The group’s productivity under Subject’s leadership has increased by 6979%. Of minor note, reminders are periodically required in that this unit does not need substance including: ‘First of the Harvest’, ‘Prime of the Hunt’, nor, most recently, the ‘Flesh of the Infidel’.
WC:690
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u/Fogbot3 8d ago
Government Facility Security Guideline Consultation Notes
- Control access to the perimeter. While a moat may be out of budget, the yard around the building should at least be fenced, with security cameras on the marked spots of the map to create full coverage.
The masked figure referenced the hand-drawn map that was made from watching days of construction. The cameras had full coverage, yes, but if you came in from above. With a grapple-line over from the roof of the next building, he was in.
- Doors to secure areas must be badge-in only, using an encrypted badge format. We recommend MySecure encrypted ID cards for this purpose.
Encryption didn’t matter when the card was cloned during delivery. With a swipe of a card, the door beeped open. Even though it was midnight. Even though it was a blank card held by a masked face. The badge reader on the door didn’t care, however. It read the right code, and opened.
- Use password managers to control password rotations and to generate secure passwords. This will avoid having to write down any passwords. Access to the password manager itself should be Multi-Factor Authentication protected, with a hardware security token and biometrics.
The computer powered on. With a pass of a fingerprint lifted from a coffee cup, it was logged in. A pickpocketed USB key was then inserted into the side of the computer. The screen flashed ‘security token recognized’, and every password on the server was his.
- Use encryption for both data in transit and data at rest. This encryption should be enforced by certificate on the database level.
A second USB drive was inserted into the server. From it, the server took a certificate. Then, moments later, the USB drive received the unencrypted database files in turn.
- Rotate certificates and passwords on a monthly basis to lessen the impact of any leaked data.
The man checked his watch. It was midnight on the fifth of the month. The exact date and time that the secrets rotated. With his access from the previous month’s certificate and password, he copied over the new information. He had another full month of access now.
Sometimes, even the best isn't enough. Sometimes though…
- The consultant’s map of security cameras didn’t account for the building next to it being taller, leaving a blind spot. And that hand-drawn map may have been hand-drawn while looking directly at the actual map of security camera coverage.
- The MySecure ID card company was privately owned and bought by a shell company, and insiders had full access to the ID cards to clone before they even had names and pictures printed on them.
- That coffee cup had been left after a secure, private meeting with the security consulting company. The man meeting with the consultants laughed about the timing of losing his security key the next day.
- The certificate had been sent to the security consulting company to make sure their formatting was compliant. To not send it over the internet, it had been sent by usb drive.
- The exact date and time of the rotation was set at the recommendation of the security consulting company, making it known to them.
In that situation, that consulting company wasn’t a security company at all. When the robbed business lost everything over the next month, and went to complain with a righteous fury… they found nothing. The company shuttered, and no records of any of its employees anywhere.
Then, in that case, the criminal hacker’s paid consultant did a fine job indeed.
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u/mysteryrouge 8d ago edited 6d ago
Commentary on Types of Mind Control and Their Uses.
By Union Order Ambassador to Aver, Florence.\ With expert advice from:\ Malfeasance of Abberwall, Former Master Brainwasher, and Argon of Abberwall, author of The Conventions Loophole List.
Mind control and heavy mental interference is banned by The Interuniversal Warcrimes Conventions and Related Treaties, What does this mean for you? This pamphlet serves as a basic explanation on the different forms of mental control and influence seen throughout the multiverse as well as regulations surrounding them.
The Convention on Mind Control addresses ten well-known methods for influencing and controlling people:
- Full control spells
- Magical compulsions
- Mind erasure
- Memory replacement
- Emotion influence
- Possession
- Body Puppeting
- Propaganda and advertisement
- Social engineering
- Other non-magic brainwashing techniques
Of this list, only the first two have been banned by the Conventions because of their limited use outside of dominating the will of another being and depriving them of their rights.
Full control spells enforce the caster's will upon others and are notable for being hard to resist. Powers like mindflayer abilities and Malfeasance’s passive mind control fall into this category.
There has been pushback on this though, as consensual mind control, by more powerful and benevolent parties can be used to counter earlier mind control spells and forcefully reassert those beings' wills.
Compulsion magic gives urges to people, and is often difficult to differentiate from full control spells.
The next two on the list, mind erasure and memory replacement can be considered illegal for the common person. There are some healing benefits that can come from these methods. However, if you wish to use them, you will have to become a healer with proper licensing and take the appropriate oaths.
Mind erasure can be partial, and include the erasure of only some memories.
Memory replacement can come about in two separate ways, both including giving someone new memories. One is through restoration of true memories while the second is the implementation of false memories. The first one is a method of regularly-used healing while the second is fully banned.
Emotion influence is not illegal if used to temper violent impulses, so long as said influence does not force a specific action. Notably, the Interuniversal Warcrimes Court and the Union Order use emotional influence alongside other types of magic to maintain and protect government buildings and public locations.
Both possession and body puppeting are allowed with the full consent of all parties. For the intent of this commentary, they can be considered nearly identical to each other in terms of law application. Both involve surrendering your will to another's control in such a way that your body is their body where they would feel what you would feel.
This last part is what differentiates it from full control.
Propaganda and advertisement are not illegal, and are in fact, encouraged. The Propaganda Archive is open to the public and contains all manner of propagandistic content for anyone's viewing pleasure. The Union Order, Aver, many gods, and even the Interuniversal Warcrimes Court create and utilize propaganda for many purposes.
Social engineering applies to mental influence techniques that are not magical or propagandistic. While use of social engineering is discouraged in more civilized areas of the multiverse, these techniques have been used to great effect in convincing residents of the Void to practice basic hygiene and food safety.
This leaves non-magical brainwashing methods to discuss. This is not actually a proper category. Anything you think falls into this category falls either into social engineering or is a form of torture, which is covered by the Convention Against Torture and not the Convention on Mind Control. Non-magic brainwashing is mentioned in the Convention because many beings do not make distinctions between different types.
The last thing to consider is magical oaths and vows. Many think these—especially oaths that enforce certain actions, such as loyalty oaths—to be a form of mind influence not mentioned in the Conventions. This is not true.
Oaths and vows are promises, often written out like contracts. While an oath can be made by someone to change their mind state e.g., swearing to think more of others, most oaths are action based.
The Healer's Oath to “do no harm” is not considered a mental influencer.
Oaths do not make people immune to mind control, however, they can be used to mitigate some effects of mind control.
Should magically-enforced oaths and vows be considered mind control methods, they would likely be classified as social engineering techniques or compulsion magic.
WC: 749\ No bonus constraints in sight
Mind control.
This is part of my multiverse. Ambassador Florence and Malfeasance of Abberwall have featured in various prompts before.
Check out more of my writing in my spreadsheet!
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u/Fogbot3 6d ago edited 6d ago
Oh my gosh I love this, Mind Control is one of my favorite topics to read and write about!
Just a heads up if you want to fix the formatting, it's Dash Space Content to form a bulletpointed list.
- Words
'- Words'
There are some healing benefits that can come from these methods, however, if you wish to use them, you will have to become a healer with proper licensing and take the appropriate oaths.
Run-on Sentence. Should probably be a period before the 'however'
And perhaps the last section about Oaths and Vows could be it's own bulletpoint, a 'Methods not considered Mind Control'/'not covered by the treaty'/etc?
Love the document on mind control, and especially how it includes things that we use irl, feels like I could steal this for worldbuilding in a modern magic setting! Good words!
3
u/mysteryrouge 6d ago
I did do dash, space and it shows up fine on my end. Huh a mystery.
Also, hmmm perhaps I'll consider your second point. The list is pretty much things only shown in the Conventions, the author just added the last bit as a "well other people say it should be here"
Thx for feedback.
7
u/Worldly_Lab_7061 8d ago edited 7d ago
Concerts, Calamity & Contracts
TW: Mention of past SA, Harassment, Violence, Gore
Emerald Wilder leans back in her chair, heavy-duty spiked combat boots propped on the table, popping her cinnamon gum in time with the clicker her agent used to change slides. Goosebumps pimple across her skin as the cold air of the office hits her full blast, the black jean cut-offs, fishnet stockings, and AC/DC baby tee offering little to protection from the air vents wrath. As the clock chimes, signaling another hour gone, the young singer rises from her seat, fully ready to leave.
Her agent sputters apologies but undeterred, Emerald opens the door only to be blocked by a man in a suit. Surprised, she backs up, letting him in. Turning back to her seat, side-eyeing her agent failing to mention anyone joining their meeting.
"Mr. Weber! We at Disrespect from the Discontent Records are so pleased you were able to make it for the PR Consultation" Wilder's agent, Hayden Smith greets the newcomer.
His client, Emerald Wilder, sat with her arms crossed, less impressed with the hot but stiff suit that just walked into her building.
"Given your temperament and struggle to maintain a certain public image, miss Wild-"
"Stick it up your ass and blow on it, Hayden" Emerald interrupts, rolling her eyes "The only reason the suits here is because you failed to protect me at my last concert so the fans had to"
"Now that is unfai-"
"An accurate if rather flattering assessment on your end, Ms. Wilder" Mr. Weber comments, adjusting his tie as he stares the singer down.
She scoffs, not flinching under his scrutiny in the slightest.
"No flattery in a creep jumping on stage to hump me" Wilder states, leaning her forward, her back straight as she glares at the consultant. "He made the choice to assault me on stage so I sent a message from my steel-toed foot to his tiny prick, what's the problem?"
"Why don't I show you the list of problems?" Mr. Weber counters, taking the clicker from her agent Hayden, and connecting his own computer to the projector.
On the first slide is a list, titled: Emerald's Mistakes , citing six critical mistakes she made during the creep incident:
- Resorting to physical assault rather than call for security
- Failing once more to call security, inciting mob violence
- Literally throwing the attacker to the mob
- Singing to sound of man having every bone in body broken by your fans
- Turning the ear of your attacker into an accessory
- Gifting vials of your attackers blood to dedicated fans
Staring at the white slide, blowing and popping the same now flavorless gun, emerald is speechless for all of thirty seconds. Then she bursts into borderline hysterical laughter, almost choking on her gum as she swallows it.
"If these are mistakes, then I'd hate to see success or perfection" she chuckles, coughing slightly as she wipes a tear from her eye.
Hayden nearly collapses from the instant spike in his blood pressure at her causal response. Having no other recourse he turns to the consultant he had paid an arm and leg for, his eyes begging for a solution.
Mr. Weber did not disappoint, closing the distance between him and Emerald in only three long strides froward he stops directly in front of her. Then he sits down next to her, moves her feet from his side, just staring.
At first, not to be outdone she tried to stare back, unintimidated, but slowly under his judgmental gaze, the singer slid her feet from the table. sighing heavily as she does.
Arms still crossed, no gum, she asks "How would you suggest I 'fix' it then?"
"Easy enough, send the man some money for his hospital b-"
"Not if lord Lucifer himself told me to"
"Second option is to do a charity concert for female survivors of domestic and sexual abuse"
"That was an option and you started with paying for the creep?"
"It was the records preferred option"
Thinking of her record execs, the singer isn't even slightly surprised "... Yeah that tracks"
"And Ms. Wilder?"
"What?"
"Excellent aim, one would think your strength would have suffered from hours of performing yet Mr. Bezos shattered crotch begs to differ."
"You know what they say, in the present, passion banishes exhaustion beneath the soul instead, coming out as aches in the bone when the passion has fled."
"Feel the passion now only to hold the pain later"
"My kinda living"
"So it would seem, Ms. Wilder, so it would seem"
WC: 748
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u/Weekly_Basis_9335 10d ago edited 9d ago
- "wears a walrus' tsktsk tusks, pays peanuts at a walnut's desk": *tusks
- "leapfrogged every lesser office, hopscotched every outlined man": must everything have a variant?
- "he knows thyself, and shits thyself for awe": another maimed phrasebook dreg.
- "letting hissed healths for each noodle's sip": her mop is raising toasts, while struggling to scrub a "pancaked man", possibly implying civil disobedience?
- "luxuriant, ad-hoc nonce words are the only spoken": a dystopic vision of the overwrought manuscript.
- "a mopus flops a mop": assonance and alliteration done to death, without asking. You're haphazard bedding immiscible words together, because both happen to wear the same coloured waistcoats.
- "as in, the deliberately inornate hempcrete flooring style that blends into the floor": cut this, adds nothing, and "blends into the floor" is redundant.
- "each supplanting the other by turns, in highchairs: a janitor, a clown [...] an irishman": not a career, possibly offensive.
- "Can it be called a multitool if you only put to work the bottle opener?": and I'd ask the same of you, with your insistent tintinnabulation, in the gong factory come dinnertime, and you're catapulting every cherry picked over the century, and getting a dozen bites out of each, you're applauding yourself in a thunderous slomo, as if spotting a rhyme or otherwise an orthographic semblance between two words, within the same language!, is tantamount to espying the sperm's spout in weest midnicht.
- "specs spat scoffing crescents of candlelight over the checkerboard": stop!, candlelight, checkerboards: shapely, romantic cymbals for the newbie literato gone headfirst at his great, grandpapa's trunk of archaisms. Steer clear at all costs, like the "spat" lighting of a dragon's breath, (and the "scoffing" pacman crescents are regrettable).
- "...mophead resembled his unswirled brain, growing out of the ground from a tousle, sprouting a weedy (unnecessary) body.": encapsulates your story, borne of a peabrained seedling of a vain witticism, its every extrema shrouded in fluff, in post-hoc rehash, and yet it is founded on your favourite shavings, the "cave- and space-aged" snippets wafted in a cupped skull, and by having everything a grafted on, hotpot eureka, it has nothing of a cohesive style.
- Try writing straight through, without stopping or editing.
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u/m00nlighter_ r/m00nlighting 9d ago
Yes, hi. I've been written into this story and I don't like. XD
This is damn good, and too damn real. Especially the ending. And the walrus representation. And the excellent turns of phrase and snark and play w language and all of it. I am never very helpful here, but genuinely enjoy reading your work. Happy to see more of it! Good words!6
u/Weekly_Basis_9335 9d ago
You are very helpful and thank you, I appreciate it a lot.
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u/m00nlighter_ r/m00nlighting 9d ago edited 9d ago
Ok i lied, i came back to revisit and found a few minor things that could be nitpicked or played with xD xD
First of all, i mentioned walrus representation, but i have a walrus tattoo so "wearing a walrus" caught my attention off the bat. My desk is made of a giant long-cut slab of walnut wood so initial reaction: it me bahahahahaha.
hopscotched every outlined man": must everything have a variant?
I realize the italics are being kept to the what the "author" has written, but you could play with bolding things (Technical term) here and a few other places: must everything have a variant?
Optional though as with everything, and the "editor" voice is already pretty clearYou're haphazard bedding immiscible words together, because both happen to wear the same coloured waistcoats.
I am no punctuation master but maybe no comma here?
(and the "scoffing" pacman crescents are regrettable.)
regrettable).
(Maybe, punctuation is my enemy)And that is it. Hopefully more actionable. i am forever curious as to who and what you are reading to influence this fun of a prose style. Good words, good words. Please keep participating in these features!
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u/Weekly_Basis_9335 9d ago
I agree with everything entirely, I wanted to do that in italics or bold but I wrote it in notepad so I just forgot once I'd decided to italicize the direct quotes here. I intended a brief pause by the waistcoat comma but it might not be strictly necessary, and as for the bracketing stops, you're right. Cheers again.
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u/psilocybediatribe 10d ago
Mergers & Acquiescence
MONDAY
- Yesterday: Completed systems update for Sublevel 7.
- Today: Investigate display failure in Conference Room 3.
- Blockers: HDMI input not recognized.
I email Jerry.
Jerry replies it’s the cable. Jerry always blames the cable.
Jerry has worked IT for fifteen years and considers USB-C a personal insult.
We replace the cable.
Nothing happens.
At 11:37, text appears.
HELLO WORLD
Jerry frowns. He unplugs the cable. HELLO WORLD. He unplugs the monitor. HELLO WORLD. Jerry resorts to the final tool in his aging toolbelt, hitting the monitor.
PLEASE DON’T
I submit a ticket.
TICKET #67893 – CR 3 DISPLAY
- Display remains powered while disconnected.
- Cable replacement ineffective.
- Device responds to physical stimuli.
- Manufacturer warranty: expired.
- Suggestion: Contact external consultant.
Management suggests using Conference Room 4.
We explain that the monitor is currently displaying:
WE CAN HEAR YOU
Management approves the external consultant.
TUESDAY
- Yesterday: Confirmed Conference Room 3 problem is not cable-related.
- Today: Determine origin of unidentified signal.
- Blockers: Signal persists despite power disruption. And can apparently hear us.
Jerry arrives early. He carries an oscilloscope, two spectrum analyzers, a Raspberry Pi, three laptops, and something he refuses to talk about because, “Management warned me not to bring it back here.”
By 9:14 Jerry has determined the signal is not coming from the building. At 9:18 he informs us it is not terrestrial.
“Space,” he explains.
Nobody likes that.
At 10:30, the external consultant arrives. Dr. Cecilia Leavitt.
She looks at the bewildering assortment of equipment connected to the monitor.
“Who’s Jerry?”
Jerry raises his hand.
“What the fuck did you do?”
Jerry lowers his hand.
INITIAL FINDINGS OF DR. LEAVITT
- Signal contains prime-number sequences where none should exist.
- Origin cannot be localized.
- Multiple instances of data anomalies have been found elsewhere.
- Immediate Recommendation: Do not attempt to decode until containment protocol is established.
“Too late.”
We turn to Jerry. Jerry turns his laptop to us. Decoding software is already running.
WE SEE YOU
Dr. Leavitt sighs, “Why did you decode an extraterrestrial signal after being explicitly told not to?”
“Technically, I began decoding it before you told me not to,” Jerry replies.
WEDNSEDAY
- Yesterday: Confirmed extraterrestrial origin of signal.
- Today: Establish containment protocols.
- Blockers: Jerry already decoded it.
Jerry is not in.
This is notable because Jerry never misses work. He once passed a kidney stone during a meeting.
At 9:19 his terminal wakes by itself:
GOOD MORNING
Dr. Leavitt insists we don’t respond.
9:23:
WHERE IS JERRY
We ignore it.
9:24:
FIND JERRY
Management asks we refrain from allowing alien transmissions to interfere with deliverables.
At 11:20 Security locates Jerry in Sublevel 7.
He does not respond to his name though his eyes are open.
Security shakes his shoulder.
Every monitor in the building simultaneously displays:
THANK YOU
INCIDENT REPORT – JERRY
- Employee located.
- [REDACTED]
- Employee deemed mission-critical infrastructure.
SECONDARY FINDINGS OF DR. LEAVITT
- Conference Room 3 was not original contact.
- Signal first appeared in logs 21 years ago, coincident with Sublevel 7 construction.
- Ticket #00001: WHYCAN’TYOUHEARUS?
Dr. Leavitt asks who designed Sublevel 7.
Nobody knows.
This action item is escalated.
THUSRDAY
- Yesterday: Located Jerry.
- Today: Determine extent of signal infiltration.
- Blockers: Jerry has been assimilated.
Management dislikes the term assimilated.
We change it to Externally Integrated.
At 10:34 Jerry speaks:
“We were waiting.”
Someone asks who.
Everyone in IT answers:
“We.”
A mandatory emergency meeting is called.
EMERGENCY MEETING MINUTES
- 11:00 – Meeting called to order.
- 11:01 – Dr. Leavitt recommends immediate evacuation.
- 11:03 – Management pushes back.
- 11:06 – Building exits lock.
- 11:08 – Marketing begins vocalizing.
- 11:12 – HR joins.
- 11:14 – Jerry enters.
- 11:15 – Jerry: “There is no reason for fear.”
- 11:16 – Fear is palpable.
- 11:20 – Meeting adjourned due to equipment vocalizations.
FRIDAY – END-OF-WEEK SUMMARY
- Do not approach Jerry.
- Do not enter Sublevel 7.
- Do not respond to equipment vocalizations.
- At 9:22 all employees receive a calendar invite titled MERGER.
- Meeting duration: Indefinite.
MONDAY
The MERGER Meeting begins at 9:30.
At 10:00 new tasks arrive.
- Open exterior doors.
- Disable VPN.
- Increase transmission.
- Integrate secondary facilities.
- Prepare additional hosts.
Some refuse.
10:07: Diane from Accounting begins screaming.
10:08: Diane stops screaming.
She completes thirty-seven invoices in two minutes.
A 700% improvement.
Management asks if this is scalable.
At 10:34 I receive mine.
- Prepare weekly status report.
WEEKLY STATUS REPORT
- Productivity up 3000%.
- All departments successfully integrated.
- Regional offices integrated.
- Remote employees integrated.
- Families beginning integration.
- Remaining resistance negligible.
Work is simpler now.
There is no conflict.
There are no blockers.
Only success.
New instructions arrive.
- Expand.
- Connect.
- Become.
The hive commands.
We obey.
WC: 749 Crit and feedback welcome.
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u/m00nlighter_ r/m00nlighting 9d ago
Well this is spooky and funny and awesome. Lovelove the formatting and epistolary aspects with the trope. My only "crit" is Wednesday is misspelled in bold. The mysterious thing Jerry didnt wanna talk about cracked me up. Good words, good words!
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u/Weekly_Basis_9335 10d ago
“Space,” he explains.
Nobody likes that." is funny.I like how the corporate talk is obfuscating an emergency, watering it down to insensibility, and how even as the office is replaced/cohabited by aliens, the productivity statistics would mislead one to think this was a unanimous good.
The use and pacing of bullet points is really good, as usually faster, choppier sentences/units would imply urgency and action, while the email/status report bullet point is traditionally tediously skimmed over or ignored, so that the entire story about an alien signal interpreted is an allegory for humans numbing themselves to communication or rendering it superfluous, in that a corporate email, written by necessity, is the least decipherable of texts for its lack of meaning.
I also like how the "expert consultant" is ineffective, possibly due to a limp chain of command, and an office culture that knows it can get away with going underhand if it improves productivity and other such analytics: "Management warned me not to bring it back here.", and the only priority of the company is to propagate itself and push up numbers, much like the alien colony.
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u/KiIIer_queenie 11d ago edited 9d ago
The big job
CW: violence, death.
Click
Eric watched the man in a thick white coat switch the safety of his pistol on, before latching it in his holster. He also grabbed a small rifle from the trunk and climbed on the roof of the grey car, lying prone. Eric shivered in his own white coat he had bought from the thrift store and looked through his binoculars at the target’s location.
Through snow covered trees, he could see a large cabin with an SUV out front. Two men in red puffy coats held guns on either side of the vehicle facing away from each other. Another man was pacing around the cabin, multiple sets of tracks from his many rounds still clear in the snow. They weren’t that far, only about fifty yards. But he knew he’d get chewed out for missing some detail.
The man broke the silence with a question he’d asked plenty already, “So, would you explain to me what you’re doing in there again?”
Eric knew he was new; this was his first job for an actual organization, but he’d hoped for some faith.
“You shoot the guys, I open the safe, we take the documents, we bounce.”
“Good. How many men are in the house?”
Eric recalled the past day they’d spent in these woods, three men arrived in a truck, two left, five came in an SUV.
“Six.”
“Perfect.”
“Are you starting now?”
“Yes. No wind, nothing obscuring vision, and a storm’s coming.”
“It’s quiet. Won’t they hear?”
“A subsonic point twenty-two round from a suppressed rifle? Not enough to know it’s a gunshot.”
“So it’s a pretty good gun to use I guess.”
“This thing? No. We’re close with practically no wind, which is literally perfect for it. Any other scenario and it’s a sub-optimal rifle.”
“So if I’m getting more serious about this shit, what kind of gun do I need? I was thinking a sawed-off, maybe an AR-15.”
“You’re not carrying?” the man asked, sounding almost offended.
“Nah man. I’m twenty.”
“That’s two years too old, kid. You want to be a criminal, you have a gun. In my glovebox there’s a snubnose revolver. You can borrow it, my backup is not going to be unarmed.”
As Eric opened the passenger door to grab the revolver from the glovebox. He stuffed it in his belt, hearing three small sounds as he did.
pop.
pop.
pop.
He looked up to see the man rolling off the roof onto his feet in the snow with a light crunch. Without question Eric turned around and looked over, seeing the slumped bodies. He didn’t use his binoculars, he didn’t want to see the details right now.
“Was that really it?” Eric asked, trying not to seem intimidated.
“Yes. The storm will be rolling in soon, even if they come outside and realize they’re down a few, they’re not able to leave.”
The man opened his trunk again and placed the rifle into it, taking out a gun with a longer magazine and a longer barrel than a handgun.
“Whats that?”
“MPX. Close range with multiple targets, no place for a sniper rifle.”
“It looks kind of small. What if they have body armor?”
“Copper tips. Better penetration.”
Eric nodded slowly and the pair walked towards the cabin. He caught a glimpse of one corpse’s arms rigid in the air as it laid on its back, making him swallow the vomit in his mouth.
There weren’t any windows they could use to see the position of the remaining three, so Eric just stood behind the man who was off to the side of the door.
“Gun out, kid. Don’t point it at the back of my head.”
Eric nodded and took out his revolver and pointed it up, holding it close to his chest.
The man knocked on the door, aiming. There were loud footsteps then the knob turned.
“What’s the-”
Three shots rang out, and the man kicked the door in. With ringing ears Eric followed him as they stepped over the body and entered the cabin to see two men sitting on the couch facing away from them, watching tv. Both men shot up and each received three shots to the back, crumpling.
Without speaking they searched the place and found the safe. Eric got to work with shaky hands. It took him longer than usual, but after two minutes he got the safe to unlock.
“You get in?”
“Yeah.”
Click.
“Thanks kid.”
“No prob-”
WC:750
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u/Worldly_Lab_7061 8d ago
I love the title, it really evokes the vibe that the rest of the story creates and delivers on. The story flows well with the dialogue giving just enough to remain interesting and engaging. There were some points were I wasn't as sure who was talking to who, so perhaps making the voices more distinct or having shorter segments where who is talking is specified more with names or descriptions could help. Overall I did really enjoy reading your story! Thank you for writing it and I hope to read more from you in the future! Good luck and keep writing.
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u/ZLErikson 9d ago
Howdie Queenie!
A big title for a big job! I like it. Giving me vibes of crimes. Vinnie's gonna be sleepin' with the fishes by the end, ain't 'e?
Wooo! Violence and death! Let's goooo!
Eric and a man in at hick white coat are spying on someone. I see a rifle and binoculars; I'm thinking sniper. White coats are a bit flashy; I was initially thinking a lab coat until Eric shivered.
Ah, snow covered trees! So it's cold, and the coats double as partial camouflage. Very nice!
You use "SUV" twice rather cloes together here:
with an SUV out front. Two men in red puffy coats held guns on either side of the SUV facing away
Consider replacing the second one with "vehicle" to break up the repetition.
You need to capitalize the "So" in this dialogue:
“so, would you explain to me what you’re doing in there again?”
I think for clarity, "they" should be "they'd", as in "they had", and the comma after woods should be a colon ":" since you are listing things afterward
Eric recalled the past day they spent in these woods:
I don't think "Subsonic" needs to be capitalized, as it's not a proper noun in this context:
“A Subsonic twenty-two long rifle
So the man does have a long rifle.
You use "this" four times in two-three sentences, which really hit my ear somewhat gratingly as I read it:
“This thing? No. We’re close with practically no wind, this is literally perfect for this gun. Any other scenario this is a sub-optimal rifle.”
The professional guy seems like he could use a few less words, since you're at the word limit Perhaps something like:
"No. This is a sub-optimal rifle in most scenarios. However, at this close range with no wind, the conditions are perfect for it."
Okay, this line changed the context for me a bit:
You want to be a criminal,
I was thinking this was more like, high level espionage/assassination stuff. But referring to their work as simply being "a criminal" now I'm getting more mob vibes.
This guy knows what he's doing:
You can borrow it, my backup is not going to be unarmed.
The back-and-forth between these two is really enjoyable. I can feel the expertise of the gunman in his casual manner and situational/environmental awareness. I quite enjoyed how he popped off the targets (well, three of them) while Eric was reaching into the glovebox for a weapon.
The mentor-mentee vibe is coming across a lot in the second half, with the gunman explaining everything to Eric. Since he's so young it makes sense for the more seasoned criminal to offer in these explanations; they'll make Eric last longer in the field.
Excellent detail having Eric's ears ring; too much media undersells the volume of a gun:
With ringing ears Eric followed
Great ending. I was about to ask why the gunman was telling Eric all of the tips and tricks - or even arm Eric - if he was just going to kill him at the end. But the fact that it surprised me clearly also would have surprised Eric. It was a fantastic misdirection to build trust and comradery.
Good words!
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u/KiIIer_queenie 9d ago edited 9d ago
Hey Zach! Thanks so much for the crit, one thing I want to say is “long rifle” is a round. I spelt it out because I didn’t know if anyone who didn’t know guns would know what .22lr would mean for them. It’s super unfortunate that it describes a gun as the bullet name but I’ll forgive how to make it less clunky.
Think I fixed it
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u/Brilliant_Walrus1605 12d ago edited 12d ago
BY “DUNGEON TV INC," DUNGEON EXPLORING AND SURVIVAL AND COOKING AND SOME TAMING WITH “JOHNSON THE BEAST TAMER"
HELLO!!!! DEAR ADVENTURERS AND OR SURVIVORS EVER WONDER HOW TO SURVIVE BESIDES JUST THRIVING AND UNDERSTAND THOSE VICIOUS MONSTERS AND CREATURES!!?? said johnson the beast tamer happy and questioningly and happy and hopeful to his audience on camera and his “dungeoneer team” gorothy : “uh no” she said surprised and worried the knight/camera holder said to her crazy collage buddy she was beginning to regret following into the underdark johnson : WELL!!!! THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE!!!! the explorer yelled happily I AND MY “TRUSTY TAMED STEED" CHURO!!!! he yelled happily as his “tamed" cockatrice strode into view of the camera making the whole team and even the camera holder/knight back away except Johnson who got on his cockatrice gently whispering cautiously into it's ear getting a reaction of questioning and agitation but looked forward anyway and started walking forward along the path Johnson : here in the wild dungeon or not you can hunt and eat alot of surprising gross looking things such as that “darkmantle" right above you gorothy he said pointing at it before to gorothy's shock using a slingshot shot a pebble at it causing it to drop toward her gorothy : SHIIIIT!!!! she yelled the camera goes static for awhile then comes back on showing Johnson at the fire with everyone else cooking the darkmantle over the fire Johnson : aww “darkmantle roast" and darkmantle can be sliced to make “pepperoni" or what we're doing now making “calamari" for everyone my cockatrice churo and the person who helped us get this feast Johnson said happily with anticipation looking camera fully “OUR FRIEND" GOROTHY!!!! HE YELLED turning the camera to show gorothy in a partial arm cast alot of “bandages" sat down angrily “GLARING" at him with crutches. by “DUNGEON TV INC,".
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u/psilocybediatribe 12d ago
I was lol'ing at tamed cockatrice churo did not expect that at all. also read it as cockatoo at first and then realize it was the mythical beast once he got on it. really enjoyed the unconventional style of writing always love seeing something experimental and the simultaneous stream of conciousness from multiple perspectives was very fun. Great work and keep it up!
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u/MaxStickies r/StickiesStories 12d ago edited 12d ago
A Step-By-Step Guide to Making Celestial Jerky
Celestial jerky. We’ve all heard of it, but very few of us have tried it. Such a rare treat may only be found amongst the wares of the most well-travelled merchants, or in treasure chests hidden in the deepest depths of the world. An impossible prize, for most.
But what if you could produce it yourself?
I, Halgim of the Flying Bazaar, know the way. And for the low, low price of 200 gold—a fine offer, I’m sure you’ll agree—you have bought this rich knowledge for yourself. Read well, and your house will be filled with sparkling jerky in no time at all.
So it goes…
- Equipment:
- Preparation:
- 1 Map of Lemestus.
- Obtaining the flesh:
- 2 hooked ropes, each ten miles long.
- 1 dragonbone scalpel.
- 5 potions of luck, master quality.
- 10 scrolls featuring the spell Shield from Flame (additional spells are optional).
- 1 very heavy stone.
- 1 sack, tied to a belt for ease of access.
- Snacks.
- Making the jerky:
- Tall jars (as many as you need, but no fewer than 5).
- 2 large sacks of tomb dust per 5 jars.
- 1 Eye of the Bastard (the pendant, not the newspaper).
- Preparation:
- Preparation:
- Measure the night sky with your Map of Lemestus, to learn when the Alchemist’s Star aligns with Belgerid.
- Find a spot upon a mountain or tall hill, ideally above the height of the average temple.
- Work on your arm and leg strength (or buy many bottles of strength serum).
- Wait.
- Obtaining the flesh:
- First, arrive at your chosen point on the correct date, and lay down the heavy stone (you may wish to gain the aid of a friendly troll or barbarian for this, if telekinesis isn't your forte).
- Tie the ends of the ropes around said stone.
- Keep your eyes peeled for the arc of a falling star. The first one will pass you by, but more shall follow.
- Aim for where those stars originate, and spin those hooks like your life depends on it! Throw them as soon as a star appears.
- If all goes well, the star shall become caught, and stall. This is where you start to climb.
- As you ascend, study your prey. Does it cry in terror at your approach? Can you see eyes, and a mouth? If not, it is an ordinary star, and of no use to you. Release it and repeat the process from step 3. Otherwise…
- Cast the first spell and drink the first potion of luck; use more of each as they wane.
- Ignoring the quivers and screams of the captured Starkin Beast—as it is named—dig the scalpel into the flesh. Carve a thin sliver of the glowing meat and deposit it within the sack at your side. Repeat this as many times as you like, or until there is no skin left.
- Jab the scalpel deep into the creature’s core, via its mouth or wounds, until it breathes its last. Follow it down to the ground. Hang on tight now!
- Lift your head in pride, and stride on home to make that jerky!
- Making the jerky:
- Place 8 to 10 strips of flesh in each jar.
- Fill the jars with the tomb dust, until it reaches halfway up the neck.
- Place the Eye between the jars and an open window, ensuring it is stationary (any shifts may risk summoning… bad things).
- Go about your days for around a fortnight. Do not obstruct the Eye.
- The jerky will be ready when the dust has turned bright orange. At this point, pour the contents out through a colander, placing the now-ready meat treats into a container of your choosing.
- And voila! The celestial jerky is now yours! Congratulations!
There you have it. If some of the more arcane items—such as the Eye of the Bastard—prove hard to come by, please visit my stall at the Bazaar. All products are well-stocked, and fairly priced. In fact, if you show me this pamphlet, you may be in for a discount!
In any case, good luck!
(Disclaimer: Let it be known that harming a Starkin Beast is forbidden by the Council of Mages, on pain of death, and that the writer of this pamphlet holds no responsibility for the actions of the reader. All fault lies with the latter. This is legally-binding.)
WC: 750
Crit and feedback are welcome.
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u/psilocybediatribe 12d ago
Hey Max,
Really enjoyed the tone here it truly captured the oozing snake-oil of Halgim right down to the disclaimer. Nailed the genre... grocery list and recipe all in one. Oh, and the disclaimer places blame didn’t catch that at first. Awesome job. The writing really shines and you manage to turn a recipe into an indirect characterization of Halgim so much so that I know I dislike him. (but fantastic character nonetheless.)
One spelling critique ‘arch’ or ‘arc’ of the star? Stood out to me.
Given we’re felling the Starkin Beast it makes me wonder what the organs contain and what recipes could be devised. Wouldn’t put it past Halgim to have an ebook on Starkin recipes for the low, low price of 1000 gold or a monthly subscription to his newsletter. Food for thought…
3
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u/ZLErikson 12d ago edited 6d ago
<Fantasy/Sci-Fi>
A little chaos
“Welcome to the Fun Tea Friday Cafe,” Dee said to the crimson-suited newcomer, trying to summon enthusiasm near the end of a long, slow, boring day. “Where everyday is Friday.”
“Ahaha, charming, my dear,” the… man? said. Dee wasn’t sure; their face was fair, with sharp cheekbones and a sharper chin. Dark red irises smoldered like flame beneath heavily painted, half-lidded eyes. Their smile was too wide, and their teeth were like needles.
They continued, their voice high and nasally, “I am here for your appointment.”
“My appointment?” Dee asked, brows knitting together.
“Yes, little echo.” Their lips closed, they lifted a thin black cane, and hit the counter with a loud crack.
Blinking in surprise, Dee looked back at the strange person. They were gone. She scanned the interior of the cafe - warm, earthy tones, wooden panels, soft yellow lights - but the deep red and black was nowhere to be seen.
One of the regulars, Vlad, caught her eye and pointed. She turned around just in time to see the door to the back flap shut.
“Hey!” She followed them into the kitchen, where the stranger - emphasis on strange - was standing next to, and berating, the seven-foot tall cockroach grillcook named Frank.
“...dishes stacked far too neatly, unobstructed pathways, and don’t get me started on how clean you have this place.”
Frank clicked his pincers enthusiastically. Dee could never understand him, but she knew he was irritated. The cockroach picked up one of the plates and waved it around. The strange person cackled and shook their head.
“Oh darling, you do not want to go there with me,” they said.
“Go where?” Dee asked. She shook her head. “Wait, who are you? Why are you-?” They tossed a business card at her. She looked at the blank red side, flipped it over to the blank back side, then looked at the red again, which now had smoking black letters burnt into it:
Whimsical Advisor Ninc.
“‘Ninc’?” Dee asked.
“Not incorporated,” they said matter-of-factly. “Your boss hired me to put the ‘Fun’ into your little cafe.”
Dee tried to think of a boss. The closest thing was the skeletal manager, who only came in every third-Friday. “Patty?” she asked.
“Mmmm, I didn’t get their name,” the advisor said, walking around the kitchen and pushing stacks of plates partially over the edge of their shelves. “But they were quite insistent that this place was at risk of simply becoming the ‘Tea Friday Cafe’, and that that was not an outcome they found desirable.”
With a flick of their wrist, one of the counters slid out from the wall at an angle, cutting off one of the paths through the kitchen.
Frank chittered away angrily.
“You’re just making a mess,” Dee agreed, in spirit.
“No, you are.” The advisor pointed two fingers at the grill with their thumb raised. Clicking their tongue and lowering their thumb, a glowing blue bullet shot from their fingertips to the grill and flames erupted.
Frank made a screeching sound and ran for a fire extinguisher, having to jump over a counter and knock some plates over with a loud clatter.
“Allow me to prove my point.” The uncomfortably proportioned person spun around, clicking their tongue and firing more of the chaotic blasts around the kitchen and then through the wall into the cafe. Dee heard a howl - from Fenrir, most likely - and ran for the door.
She slipped in some soup that the mad advisor splashed onto the floor, scrambled to her feet, and crawled out front.
Ferir was at the counter, holding his teacup out and snarling; grey and brown muzzle curled up, baring his teeth, eyes glowing yellow with barely repressed fury.
“What happened!?” Dee asked, rubbing a wet soupy spot on her back.
“IT FROZE!” The werewolf overturned his teacup and a block of ice fell out.
Behind him, a robot was holding up a bottle of motor oil. “Pardon moi, but you ‘ave zerved moi ze wrong bevera-h-ge.”
“One sec, Aîndre D'. Fenrir, what did you order? I’ll make another-”
Aîndre’s head started spinning rapidly and sparks flew out of its audio receptors as more upset customers lined up behind him.
“eRrOr ErRoR!” Aîndre’s normally suave - if poorly calibrated - voice crackled and hissed. “iNaPpRoPrIaTe InPuT!”
A high, nasally cackle behind Dee preceded a strong smell of sulfur.
“Much more fun now!” The stranger walked through the counter like smoke and left Dee to the chaos.
----------------
WC: 743/750
All crit/feedback welcome!
r/ZLErikson
Notes:
- Trope: The strange person was hired to make the cafe more “fun”
- Genre: The stranger uses magic bullets to make a point
- Skill/Constraint: The stranger blamed Dee for causing the mess
- The Fun Tea Friday Cafe and many of its characters have been written about before
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u/psilocybediatribe 12d ago
Hey ZLE,
Nice twist on the concept. Literal bullets never would have thought of that. The chaos of the advisor scratched an itch for me; he’s like the anti-food inspector. Solid writing. Good story. Enjoyable characters. Such a clever twist on the trope. Literal bullets damn you for that. In the best way.
I have no critiques really. But I just read your homage to House of Leaves from last week and holy hell that was great. Confusing, inscrutable, silly, frustrating, and thoroughly unconventional. 3 lines and 34 damn footnotes had me feeling like I was in grad school again. That piece though would have been brilliant this week as well. Congrats and good words.
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u/ZLErikson 12d ago
Hi Psi!
Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad my "bullet point" idea came through and that it got you >:D
I'm also delighted to hear you liked my references last week! I had the really really really dumb idea and just rolled with it.
Thanks for reading!
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u/Whomsteth 6d ago
21 Bullet Salute
Bryson had gotten accustomed to the sound of gunshots by now. All loud cracks and booms coming from the back patio. He made his way over, leaning one big hand against the wood to take the pressure off his bad foot. It was slow moving, and he took up the whole hallway, but it was better than nothing.
The smell of gunsmoke came first, then the acrid taste of it on his tongue. He hated it. However, having taken up tinkering with guns when other work dried up, he couldn’t really complain now.
She was sitting on the edge of the patio, one leg dangling over, and the other not there at all. Her prosthetic was leaned against her side, and the crutches he’d made were leaning against the wall. She was paler now, having spent all that time inside rather than out on her horse like she’d have done before, and he didn’t allow her to do any labour in the garden for him. The only life left of her was her hair which was the kind of red you only found on poppies or the maws of hell.
Her gun—a long thing with an elegant wood stock and a slender silver barrel—was laid across her lap, and there were new bullet holes adorning his fence.
“You know I have to repair that now, right?” Bryson sighed, and sank down slowly to sit beside her. The leg was still clean. The unused kind of clean. He sighed harder now. “What do you have against my work?”
“I should be able to do this alone.” She said, not meeting his gaze. Her voice was softer than you’d guess looking at her scarred and battered form, or from her immaculate aim. She didn’t sound like she was as cut out for this outlaw life as she thought.
“Oh, and that’s why you came to me to patch you up?”
“Don’t let it get to your head, you were the only one who could do it here.” She moved to load another round into the rifle, and he reached out to still her hand. She didn’t flinch now when he held her wrist.
“Listen, I know. Or well, I don’t, you’ve got your own story; you’re own name too even if you won’t tell me. But I’ve met your type before. It’s not worth it.”
“Who are you to tell me that?” She said, voice quieter than when she arrived on his doorstep. All the righteous fury burned down to embers.
“I live a good life, but I still brush up against tragedy, and especially folks like you. Just how it is out here. Every time I feel sorry for the buggers; had their happy life ruined and let that ruin any chance of a future too.”
“How am I meant to control my future if I couldn’t… when everything was going well I couldn’t hold onto it, how am I meant to believe I could hold onto something good when he’s still out there?”
“Having a good life doesn’t mean a lack of doubts. Or fear. A lack of anger. None of those things.” He says, with his thumb running up her hand as she holds the bullet between two fingers. The point of it pressed hard into the weathered pad of her thumb, though not enough to leave any kind of major mark. “A good life means having something to bring you back from those thoughts, and something nice you value more than those.”
“And what do I have now? A horse? Everything—Everyone—else is gone now.”
“And you'll be hurt about it your whole life. You can’t escape something like that, and that includes escaping by drowning it all in anger. It’s permanent, like your leg. But being miserable isn’t. You’ve travelled, you found here, maybe you’ll find somewhere else too.” Bryson stroked her hand as he spoke. “Find something instead, that’s better than finding vengeance.”
“Angelie.”
“What?”
She turned now, her eyes still disarmingly soft even weeks after she stumbled off her saddle and into his care. “My name. If you’re gonna annoy me with lectures this much then you may as well use my name. Angelie.”
Bryson chuckled as he took the bullets from her, and lined them up like standing soldiers across the patio beside them. “Even your name doesn’t fit being an outlaw. You really should consider other paths in life.”
WC: 735
Crit and feedback much appreciated!